Name: Norm Macdonald on Lopez Tonight (2011) Full Interview Funny Stories
Uploaded: 2019-04-18T22:55:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on Lopez Tonight (2011) Full Interview Funny Stories' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-04-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on Lopez Tonight (2011) Full Interview Funny Stories' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-04-18. Transcript available.

This is awesome man! You got a TV show? It's cool. How about that man? I haven't
seen you in forever. I know, it was the last time I was at the life factory.
And you sound the same. Yeah. Hey so I was at the Pacquiao and I almost made a
bet. I almost made a bet that it would go the distance in Mosley's favor.
Almost. Wow. But I was a little bit afraid. Tell everybody what your bet was
Norman. I bet Pacquiao to win.
$25,000 to win $3,000. Wait a minute. How is that possible? You put down $25,000.
Maybe lose $25,000 to win $3,000. Yeah. But I won $3,000. Was it a knockout or
what was the actual bet? It was just that he would win. But I got scared
because I was so happy when Mosley went down. And then all of a sudden he got
up.
And then I was scared because, you know, one punch can end it at any moment,
you know? Yeah. Yeah. And that's the most money I ever put on a fight. And also,
I don't know nothing about boxing.
How did you, what did you go? By the commercials or is karaoke singing or?
How did you pick Pacquiao? Well, usually I kind of went against my instincts on
this one because usually I pick the bigger, blacker guy.
But in this instance, you know, I met him, Pacquiao, and he seemed, he seemed
unbeatable.
Yeah, he is. You know, pound for pound.
Yeah.
Unfortunately, the other guy weighed more pounds.
Now, have you ever lost, have you ever been devastated and lost like a big bet?
No, I've lost everything I own three times.
Like, tapped out?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That happened to me three times. But since, I've
gotten control of it since.
But one time, man, I was, see, actually, after you lose everything, sometimes
you kind of feel good. It's odd.
But you feel like, you feel like clean. You go, hey, man, I feel all right, you
know.
But, uh.
My car's gone. My house is gone. I mean, you know what? I'm all right. I feel,
I'm cleansed.
I don't have my watch anymore.
But one time, I had nothing left. I went up to my room, and I was like, I
walked by the Coca-Cola machine.
I love Coca-Cola, you know.
So I said, I'm going to have a frosty Coca-Cola, you know.
But I only had 65 cents to my name, right, and it cost a dollar.
So I go, I get this, hatch this plan, I'll go down to the nickel slots, and I'll
make myself a dollar.
So I go down there at my 65 cents, I'm putting in nickels, and it took an hour
and a half.
And I get up to, I get up to 95 cents eight times.
And I never broke a dollar.
And then later, I thought, I think they would have given me a free drink.
Yeah, right. All you got to do is, you know, the cocktails.
Yeah.
That's, by the way, how you know you're not good in gambling, when you have a
gambling problem, is when the guys start giving you things.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Like, because pit boss, when you first go, you're like, hey, man, the pit boss
just offered me some free meat.
You know?
That's a nice fella, you know.
And then you realize he's only doing it because you're a sap.
But, man, I would go in, I'd bet so much money at the end of the thing, the guy
would be like, you want some meat, anything to keep me in the casino.
Hey, some beef.
Hey, want to have sex with my wife?
Anything.
You know?
Yeah.
What about your whole sports show?
What sports do you do?
Now, you're into sports.
I know you love sports.
I love sports, man.
I love golf.
I know you're a good golfer.
Yeah, a huge golfer.
Yeah, yeah.
And I see, you know, I always want to play that Edgewater, you know, that.
Right.
That Tahoe thing that you play in, it's so exciting.
But I only played one celebrity golf tournament.
I suck at golf.
And I only played one celebrity course in my life.
And, you know, I wasn't such a big celebrity back then.
And I showed up.
Very peripheral celebrities.
It was like me, soap opera people, you know.
And as a matter of fact, I remember we're in the ballroom.
This is how you know you're not a celebrity.
We're in the ballroom and a lady comes over to the mic and goes,
Will all celebrities please identify themselves at table two?
All celebrities.
So the idea of the golf tournament was they had a guy who pays a lot of money,
like a businessman, and he gets to play with a golf bro and a celebrity.
So I get there early, you know, and I go up.
They go, there's your businessman, you know.
So I go up to the businessman.
I'm talking to him.
And all of a sudden, the businessman says,
Hey, I wonder who our celebrity is.
So then I was humiliating because I'm a bad golfer.
I'm ruining his score.
And then he's recognizing every other guy, you know.
He's like, that's the guy from Police Doctor, you know.
And I'm like, so I started just making up stuff.
I'm like, I know that guy.
So when you were on Saturday Night Live, you made a lot of jokes about O.J.
Simpson.
Like serious, right?
Yeah, I did a few, yeah.
Yeah.
Did you ever, in real life, have you ever run into him?
Yeah, I met him one time.
I was playing golf, actually, with Kato.
How does that happen?
I don't know.
I just like ridiculous people.
And so me and Kato went golfing.
And then it was surreal.
They're like, O.J.'s on the next tee.
So I said, hey, that's cool.
Let's, like, hit into him or something.
And then he'll get mad and come at us, and it'll be fun, you know.
But Kato wanted to run away.
So we ran away.
You never got to meet him?
Never got to meet him.
No, we ran for Kato's car and beat a hasty retreat.
Now, you opened for Bill Cosby, which, a lot of times, Bill Cosby never has an
opening act.
So it's very rare.
Yeah, and he's my hero, you know.
I know you love him.
Yeah, absolutely.
And it was amazing.
It was the University of Tall.
It was 100,000 people in this college football, you know, football stadium.
And it was almost impossible to do.
I didn't know how to do it.
Like, I just went up there, and I was like, anyone have an answering machine or
whatever?
And all you'd hear is, like, grumble.
There's just people talking.
Not that they hated me.
They didn't even notice me.
Yeah.
And then Cosby was amazing.
But afterwards, I was talking to Cosby, and I was like, you know, I just want
to tell you,
like, when I grew up, my dad and I listened to you on records.
You're the first guy I ever heard, and I love you, you know.
And it was so important to me when you were young, when I was young.
And so he says, where does your dad live?
And he talks in, he doesn't use full sentences.
And where'd dad live?
So I said, he lives in Ottawa.
So, you know, he turns to his road manager.
He goes, Stan, the man's father lived.
Now, aren't we doing Ottawa?
So Stan says, yeah.
He looks at Chex.
He goes, we're doing Ottawa in August, you know.
So he says, give the man his father.
We're going to get the number of the man's father, and then we will put him in
the front
row.
Now, afterwards, we will take him back to the back, and we will talk to his
father, because
his father likes me.
And this would be a good thing for the man.
So Stan, now I have to give my father's phone number to Stan.
Problem is, my father has been dead 10 years.
But I didn't want to say that, and ruin the whole mood, because he was being
such a sweet
guy.
So I just write down some numbers.
Like, I write the area code of Ottawa, and then seven random numbers.
And I go, here you go.
So then, like, a couple of months go by, and I'm doing a thing on the Drew Carey
show.
I'm doing a guest spot.
Stage manager runs over to him.
He says, Bill Cosby's on the phone, you know, which shows you these powerful
guys can just
find anybody.
So I run over to the phone.
I answer.
He's like, the man that answered the phone says that he is not, and then the
other fellow
and the people, you know.
So I'm like, no, that's my father's phone number.
I just lie again.
So anyways, if Bill Cosby's watching, he's really sweet.
Sports Show with Norm MacDonald airs Tuesdays on Comedy Central.
Norm MacDonald.
I love you, man.
Thank you.