Name: Norm Macdonald on CONAN - Christmas dinner, a bum & Michael Jackson (Jan 1996)
Uploaded: 2019-05-07T20:08:53.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on CONAN - Christmas dinner, a bum & Michael Jackson (Jan 1996)' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on CONAN - Christmas dinner, a bum & Michael Jackson (Jan 1996)' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-07. Transcript available.

All right, folks. My first guest tonight is The Anchorman on Saturday Night
Live's Weekend Update.
It's always a pleasure having this man on our show. Please welcome Norm MacDonald.
Norm!
Good to see you, Norm!
That's good. Dang.
I was trying to think of that guy's name. Grady's name?
Yeah.
Whitman Mayo?
Whitman Mayo. That's right. Good for you.
You should have, like, what's that guy's name? Robert Stack do that.
Do that little thing.
We can't get people like that, Norm.
We can't get Robert Stack. He costs real money.
How are you?
Great, man. Did you have good holidays?
Yeah, my holidays were pretty good. We just had, like, the weekend off. That
was fine.
That was it?
Yeah. Went home, and I have, like, you know, like 50 kids in my family, so we
just threw stuff at each other, and then I came back.
Did you have a nice Christmas?
Yeah, Christmas was all right. Yeah.
Oh, that's great.
Well, actually, thanks for asking. You're really concerned about me. That's
great.
No, I had a joke about it. I was trying to get into it.
Oh, really? Oh, I don't know. Let's just have real exchanges and see your
emotions and screw the jokes. That's what people really want to see.
No, you had a good Christmas, though. You had a good time. Did you get anything
good?
I got a... My brother gave me a lottery ticket, and I was thinking, this is the
worst. Did you ever get a lottery ticket for Christmas?
I've never heard of that.
It's the worst damn gift you could get, you know? Because, like, you know, what's
a guy thinking there? He'd go, here you go, nothing. You know? It's not
anything. Nothing for Christmas.
Yeah.
And then, if it wins, then it's something, but the guy doesn't want you to win.
You know what I'm saying? Like, imagine you win.
Uh-huh.
Holy Lord. Uh, imagine, like, you give a guy a lottery ticket, and then, like,
a week after Christmas, you phone a guy, hey, Bill, hey, uh, uh, what? Yeah, I
remember that ticket I gave you? Yeah.
Oh, 14 million bucks, huh? Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. You know? Yeah. He
doesn't want you to win, no.
Yeah, and then you got, like, a World's Greatest Fisherman Cup or something. He
gets 14 million bucks, you know?
I'll tell you something about those World's Greatest Fisherman Cups. Yeah.
They never, uh, uh, skyrocket in value. You know, that's what I've... No, they
haven't yet? No.
They always remain, like, fixed.
That's true about them cups, I hear. Well, what else is going on? Did you ever,
you went back? Did you get in the holiday spirit?
Are you the kind of guy that gets, you know, feeling?
I try to do something nice, you know? You ever try to do something nice?
No.
Oh.
It's not my style, Norm.
But, uh, I was, uh, it was Christmas in New York, you know, and I was alone, so
anyways, I went, there was a, uh, a diner that I always go to near my house.
It's a really nice diner, and, uh, so I went there, and there was this homeless
bum there, you know?
Just say a homeless guy.
It's not politically correct to say bum, but I can't say homeless bum.
No, I thought they didn't like to be kind of bums.
Yeah, right. A homeless guy, yeah.
Okay, okay. Well, anyway, so, okay.
I'm not going to let you get to this story. I'm just going to keep giving you a
hard time about bums.
You need a bum, a hobo, a tramp.
A tramp, yeah.
He had a little stick with a thing on it.
He was from the 1930s, yeah, okay.
And, uh, so he says to me, he says, uh, uh, can I get some, uh, some money off?
You know, I don't like giving the homeless bums money. I'll tell you why.
Because I figured they'll do the crack.
Right?
They'll, they'll, they'll do the crack.
Yeah, my dad, my mom says, never give a homeless bums money because they'll go
do the crack.
So I said, okay, I said, I don't want to give this guy money.
He'll go to the guy.
I said, why don't I just bring you in the diner, you know?
And I'll get you a meal. I'll buy you a meal.
It's Christmas, you know, it'll be nice.
So, uh, the guy goes, okay.
So we go in the diner and we order, you know, the, the meal.
And this guy just keeps ordering food, you know?
Like he's really hungry.
Yeah.
And, uh, so he orders and orders and orders.
And I'm like, well, you know, you gotta be nice.
Got to the, you know, thing.
Sure.
And, uh, so I, I, I order like a soup or something.
And then, uh, all of a sudden, like, this unbearable stench comes off the guy.
Huge stench.
Really?
It smelled like, like, uh, like, like.
That's okay.
Anyway, so, I don't know what the smell was.
Yeah, uh-huh.
It was like, I don't, it was like human waste or something, you know?
And it seemed to be coming from the guy's, like, trousers.
Norm, I said, that's okay.
Okay, okay.
I was like, the stench is enough.
We all can do the rest in our head.
Yeah, so this stench fills the diner, right?
So I have to go to this diner, right?
So everybody's looking at me, like, what the hell did you bring a homeless bum
in the diner for?
With a stench, you know?
So I'm like, I'm trying to eat my soup.
I can't even eat it.
And I'm wishing I'd, I'm wishing I'd bought this guy crack.
I wish I'd got, you know what I mean?
I wish I'd gone and found some crack and bought it for the guy.
So, anyway, and everybody hates me, the guy that, you know, you go there every
day.
And so then the end of the meal comes, this guy's ordered everything, and I'm
looking at my wallet.
I only have, like, 28 bucks.
It was, like, 31 bucks.
I don't know if it was a soup.
Uh-huh.
And so, uh, now basically we're two homeless bums, you know?
And either of us, I go, look, buddy.
And he's been, he's been jabbering about Rockefeller.
He was at Rockefeller's funeral.
I didn't know what he was talking about.
And I go, look, buddy, you've got to come up with something here, you know?
Kick in something.
You want him to, yeah, it's only fair.
He ate almost everything.
I had a soup.
He was having a hamburger.
So the guy goes in his pocket, and then, you know, I didn't want him to, I didn't,
who, God knows what he has in his pocket, right?
But he had some, uh, some coins, and they were all gross, and they were, like,
some of them were black.
Anyway, that's my Christmas story.
Man, wow, what a youngster.
You were, you were, you were a regular garrison killer over here.
And some of the coins were black.
Good night, ladies and gentlemen.
You closed the book and kiss your child good night.
That's a nice story.
Can we do, can we have time for a little more with Norm if we go in a
commercial?
We do?
All right, I get the thumbs up.
We're going to do a break.
We'll have a little more with Norm.
Stick around.
What do you have to do?
We're back here at Norm MacDonald.
So, uh, you know, this is this part of your job now.
You've got to keep up on the news.
Whether you did that before or now that you're doing an update, you've got to.
I, uh, I don't follow politics that much, but I like the, uh, entertainment.
Like, I read the entertainment section.
You know, I read, uh, you know, uh, I was reading, uh, Pamela Anderson is
married.
That's in the news.
That's right.
She's, that's technically in the news.
Yeah.
To rock her, uh, Tommy Lee.
And she's pregnant.
Yeah.
She's going to have a baby.
And, uh, so I was reading there, uh, they're deciding what to call the baby.
You understand?
Uh-huh.
So they don't know.
I, I'm with you so far.
Yeah.
They say, they say, they say, they say if the baby's a girl, they're going to
name
it after the mother.
So they call it Pamela.
Right?
Mm-hmm.
But if the girl's, if the baby's a boy, then they're going to name it after the
father.
They're going to call it, uh, Lucky Bastard.
He told it with such joy.
I don't know, I don't know.
That's so, he told it with such joy and commitment.
That alone will get you an Emmy.
Well, you got it.
This is a field day for you.
As you know, it just came over the wire, not hours ago, Lisa Marie, Michael
Jackson.
What do you think of that whole thing?
I just heard that before we went on.
Yeah, Lisa Marie and Michael Jackson are getting divorced.
Uh-huh.
And they cited irreconcilable differences.
And I have the inside story.
I heard that Lisa Marie was actually, he was, behind Michael's back, she was
fooling around
with another, uh, homosexual pedophile.
He didn't even know about it.
Is that crazy?
I...
Women.
Women, huh?
That's women for you.
Oh, you blew that hair.
You could have used that on the update.
I was thinking of that right before I could have said that.
Oh, man.
Well, uh, all good stuff.
All gold.
And thanks so much for coming here.
I know, this is hard.
You know, you made it all the way here, I guess.
Yeah, you know what?
I drove with my buddies from California all the way to here because I don't, uh,
fly, you
know?
And, uh...
You don't fly?
I'm afraid of flying.
Oh.
I don't know.
I just, because, uh...
It's scary.
Yeah, you die and you crash and die.
The whole crashing, dying thing.
That's what I'm really scared of.
It's not the flying as much as the crashing and the dying.
So you drove across country?
You know what the worst thing is when you...
I'm sorry.
You like driving?
No, I'm just getting into it.
So, uh...
No, I was going to say about crashing, but I don't even know if it's funny.
But, um...
Hey, you know, you're on a hit and a roll right now.
Just go for it.
Come on.
Well, you know when you crash and then they, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, you know,
identify you
after?
Yeah.
And they always have your dental records?
Uh-huh.
What if you had, like, bad teeth and stuff?
Wouldn't that be embarrassing?
Like, you're already dead.
You're...
I don't know.
It's not funny.
I should have said the other thing.
No!
We can edit that out.
No, we won't.
We'll leave that in.
That would be kind if you did that.
That would be great.
I don't think I'm gonna.
Let's leave it in.
What do you people say?
No, I was going to tell you about driving here, because...
But I know we don't have a lot of time.
We're seconds away from the joke for the dental thing.
Yeah.
That took all the time for the other story.
I know.
I had a great story about driving here with my buddies.
Well, you can, you know...
It's topical.
You know, it's timely.
Uh-huh.
But I was thinking maybe the next time I come, I could just pretend that I just
drove here
with my buddies.
That'd be great.
Next time you're on the show, just say, I just drove here, and that'll be a
completely
different audience.
On a study show, no people watch this show two nights consecutively.
Every night, it's a whole new group of people that are like, who's that guy?
Where's Dave?
Who's that guy?
What's going on?
That's the beauty of this show.
It's like a whole new memory every night.
On our show, studies show that people don't watch the show, period.
Well, that's going to change.
That'll change.
That's going to change this week, because you guys have Alec Baldwin and Tori
Amos.
Yeah, Alec Baldwin's the coolest.
Yeah, he's a cool dude.
Yeah, he's the greatest.
I can't believe I just said he's a cool dude.
I can pass him a note if you want.
Do that for me.
Man.
It's the queerest thing I've said in three years on TV.
All right, we're going to go.
Hey, listen, thanks a lot for coming.
Norman Bound, everybody.
Paul and William Gladden, Wayne, are at the theater coming up.
And I have a little bone to fix with Max when we come back.
So stick around.
You don't want to miss that.
You don't want to miss that.