Name: Norm Macdonald on CONAN - Neverland Rides, Star Search & Heroic Pig (Mar 1996)
Uploaded: 2019-05-12T01:32:46.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on CONAN - Neverland Rides, Star Search & Heroic Pig (Mar 1996)' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on CONAN - Neverland Rides, Star Search & Heroic Pig (Mar 1996)' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-12. Transcript available.

You must be happy about this whole Michael Jackson thing.
You know, he's in the news. That's good stuff to do.
Yeah, he merged with a prince, and they're getting all their money together,
and he's going to open a theme park, heard that,
and they're saying, I've got kind of a scoop, you know.
Their first ride is going to be, they've got the homosexual pedophiles of the
Caribbean.
That's going to be their first.
Are you sure that's true, Norm?
No, no, no.
Are you sure that's absolutely true?
Somebody told me that. I don't know.
All the information, I either get it, like, I never remember where I get it.
It could be, like, from Time Magazine or Shakespeare.
It could be something I read in a wall in a bathroom.
Sure, you never know what's going on.
What do you care? You're not a real newsman, anyway.
No, I don't like the paper.
You were a Star Search contestant once, weren't you?
Didn't you want to compete in Star Search?
Yeah, when I first started, I was on it.
It was a special Star Search, because I was from Canada,
so it was international Star Search.
Oh.
Yeah, they did it once a year, and what they do is they get people from all
over the world, you know?
Stars of the future, you know what I mean?
And then, so I was up, I was in the comedy category, the comedian.
Oh, good for you.
You had to work that one out, yeah.
So, I represented Canada, you know?
Uh-huh.
And then I was up against the guy that he was representing Africa.
He was an African guy.
Uh-huh.
So, he was much more international than I was.
Right.
He had, like, a gown, you know?
Tribal gown.
And he wore one of them hats they wear, you know?
And, uh, I didn't have a hat.
Right.
So, I just looked like a regular lame stand-up.
I had my suit on, like now.
Yeah, right, right.
Uh, I went out there, I was excited, you know?
Because it was, it was America to me, you know?
Yeah.
I'm from Canada, star search.
I thought, I'll become a, uh, a star.
Hence the name, star search.
Yeah, if you win, right?
Yeah, yeah.
So, uh, I go out there, I'm excited, man.
I went out there, and they had, uh, uh, you go out, and, uh, and they have,
like, a clock.
You know, you got two minutes to do?
You only got to do two minutes?
And I had, at that time, I had, like, I had about two minutes.
So, uh, I, uh.
So, this is going to work out well, you thought?
Yeah, and I go out, and everybody hates my guts, you know?
It's, like, dead silence.
There's, like, no one laughing at all, you know?
And, uh, you know.
And the clock starts to run the minute you get going.
Yeah, you see the clock going down.
And around, uh, you know, after about a minute and a half, you know, you're not,
you know,
not much chance, you know, winning them back.
Uh-huh.
And, uh, I think some people thought I was in a different category, you know?
But, uh, nobody laughing is the worst thing.
And, uh, you know, the Canadian flags behind.
Oh, God.
Oh, no, really?
Yeah.
And then one time, I remember the worst part.
I looked over at Ed McMahon.
Uh-huh.
He was, like, glaring at me, like, a mean look.
Ed McMahon glaring at you?
He wasn't even laughing.
That's his job, you know?
That's what he does.
He was taking some time off.
You know?
I've never seen him glare.
I don't think anybody...
I know.
I was mean, mean.
Mean glare.
So then I got off.
I was shaking, you know?
I was, like, stunned.
And then my manager and agent, they're, like, idiots, you know?
And so they go, like, uh, it was good!
You know?
That was great!
They're shaking my hand.
So I go, really?
Yeah?
You think it was good?
It worked out, huh?
He goes, yeah, yeah.
Oh, man.
I go, but nobody was laughing, you know?
Which I thought was, uh, Gage, you know?
And they go, no, no, that's the way it is on this show.
No, don't worry about that.
And then as they're saying it, you know, the African guy comes on?
Yeah.
He says one joke.
They laugh for two minutes, you know?
And it's, like, huge laughter.
I can't even hear him.
I'm, like, what?
It doesn't mean that that's the way they liked you!
Uh-huh.
So what happened?
What was the end result here?
The end result is, you know, they have judges that give you the, they make up
your score.
And so then the most humiliating thing is, you know, you've lost, you have to
go back
out with the guy, you know?
You, like, stand there, you know?
And then Ed McMahon, he just, you know, another tough decision for the judges!
That was actually the first time I heard laughter during the whole thing.
So, and the judges, it was, like, it was, like, three guys.
Robin Leach was the only guy I knew, and then there were three other guys.
And so it was, like, so I got, this is my score.
Okay.
I got three-quarters of a star.
They actually, they can cut a star up?
No, what happens is three guys give you one star, and one guy, and I think it
was Robin
Leach, gives you no star.
So you got three-quarters of a star, and you lost.
Yeah, you got four stars.
And then afterwards, it's, you go to this, a guy, you got this place, it's like
a room,
and then there's a party after the show, and everybody's there, and, like, all
the winners
are, like, in one section, you know, happy.
And then you're, like, sitting there with the Nicaraguan junior dancers.
We would call them the losers, yeah.
Can you hang on one sec?
We've got to do a commercial break.
More with Norm MacDonald in a moment.
Stick around.
I'm here with Norm MacDonald.
You often speak of your native Canada.
Yeah, I love Canada.
You mention it a lot.
Yeah, people love, people, a couple of people.
Three to be exact.
They like it.
That's important.
Where are you from?
Are you from a big city?
No, I'm from a little town.
It's called Monkland, and it's only 108 people.
108?
That's small.
Yeah, it's country, you know.
It's really rural.
But, man, I'll tell you, there's lots of funny stories from there.
Well, I'm sorry we don't have time.
Thank you very much for coming, Norm.
It was good having you here.
It was Norm MacDonald.
Good night, everybody.
Good people, you know.
There are funny stories from this town.
Yeah, because farm people, they all seem to be, you know, they all seem to be a
funny story.
I remember one time.
There better be, Norm.
There was a guy, man.
He lived down the road.
His name was John Neal Mergerison.
And this guy, I went to him once.
I've been away for a couple of years, you know.
I moved to the city, you know.
And I came back, and I said, John Neal, how are you doing?
You know, I went to his, what do you call it, farm?
Yeah, that thing, yeah.
So he showed me his pigs.
He had a bunch of pigs there, you know.
He had a bunch of pigs, a bunch of them.
And one of the pigs had a wooden leg, you know.
What?
Oh, yeah, wooden leg.
So I thought that was odd, you know.
So I said to him, I said, John Neal, that's odd.
What's that pig?
What's the story with that pig?
So John Neal, he goes, oh, man, Norm.
He says, that's a special pig.
He goes, you wouldn't believe that pig.
I go, yeah?
Well, tell me about it.
He goes, that pig.
You wouldn't believe it.
He says, last winter, you know.
He goes, the house burned down.
You know, you probably heard.
The house burned down.
And he says, me and the wife, we were sleeping on our bed.
And he says, we never would have heard.
We never would have heard.
We never would have woken up.
But he goes, that pig, he broke out of his pen.
He ran all the way to the house.
And he went up to the bedroom window, you know.
And he says, he starts hitting his little snout on a window, you know.
And he says, me and the wife, we woke up.
And we got out, man, just in time.
We escaped that inferno.
He didn't use the word inferno.
He's just a farmer.
You threw that in there.
Yeah.
He said, we escaped that conflagration, you know.
So I go, man, that's quite a story about the pig.
He goes, oh, man, it doesn't stop there.
I go, really?
And he goes, yeah.
And he goes, just later after that, like the following summer,
me and the wife were plowing a North 40.
And our little boy, only two years old, man, fell into the well.
And all alone, you know.
And there was no way we could do anything.
We were plowing.
And he says, we didn't hear, you know.
And he says, man, you know, we're getting older.
We're probably not going to have another kid.
You know, that kid means everything to us.
I go, I know, John Neal.
I know that.
You don't have to tell me that.
So I said, what happens?
He goes, that's their very same pig.
He says, he heard the child's wailing plaintiff cry.
He didn't say plaintiff.
You know, he's a farmer.
He says, he heard.
He heard the child.
He broke out of his pen.
He ran all the way to the well.
He looked down.
There was the poor son of ours there, Billy, you know, down at the bottom of
the well.
He says, the pig, he took his snout there.
He started pulling up on a rope.
And he got, the kid got right out, you know.
And he, man, that's great, isn't it?
And I go, I go, man, that's the greatest story I ever heard.
Man, oh, what a pig.
I said, what a pig that is.
I said, one question, though, John Neal.
I said, he got a wooden leg.
I don't understand that part.
He got, pig, pig got a wooden leg over there.
John Neal goes, man, he goes, what are you, crazy?
He says, a great pig like that, you can't eat them all at once.
Mr. Abraham Lincoln, everybody.
All right.
I can never forgive you.
All right.
Well, let's talk about, let's mention this.
Turn Out Live this week with Phil Hartman.
Yeah, it's going to be exciting.
Jim Blossom's on that show.
That's a great show.
Yeah, I don't know who they are, but Phil Hartman is great.
Norm MacDonald, everybody.