Name: Norm Macdonald on Conan - Bob Kendall & The Turtle Joke (May 1996) Full Interview
Uploaded: 2019-05-16T01:24:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on Conan - Bob Kendall & The Turtle Joke (May 1996) Full Interview' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on Conan - Bob Kendall & The Turtle Joke (May 1996) Full Interview' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-16. Transcript available.

Our buddy, our pal, our lifelong chum, Mr. Norm MacDonald.
Hey, Norm, how are you?
Very good, how are you?
I'm doing real good. You look fine. You look snazzy tonight.
Yeah, I show the respect.
Thank you, I appreciate that.
Good, the respect that I'm due. Thank you.
I like that Madonna's baby thing.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's funny.
You know, I really have to give it to that guy that's the father, you know,
Carlos...
Leon.
Carlos Leon.
Or Carlos Leon, I forget which one.
Because you've got to have a lot of guts.
That means he had sex with Madonna without a condom.
Right?
That's great.
You know what I always admire about you, Norm?
You like to set the tone right away.
You like to come out and sort of set the table for everybody and say, this is
what we'll be doing.
Very nice.
Well, you know, you've got to be thinking of these all the time, right?
You're doing the update...
I call it the update gig.
You don't mind if I call it that.
Yeah, the update gig, I do it.
And to do that, I have to, every day, comb the papers, you know?
Comb them.
I don't really comb them.
Right, right.
Figure of speech, yeah.
And read them.
I check...
First, I check the NBA lines for the night, you know?
Find out what I'm going to bet on.
And then I go straight to the news, you know?
Find out what news figure I'm going to skewer.
Yeah.
So, interesting story I say this week is that on Rikers Island, they have
banned, like two
months ago, they banned pornography, any porno magazines from the prison, you
know?
Because I don't know why they did it, but now I just read the headlines.
Sure, you don't need to know that part, right?
Who cares about that part, right?
But now they had to bring it back this week, so they had a compromise.
They're allowing one porno magazine.
Only one?
Only one.
Yeah.
Unfortunately, the porno magazine that they're putting in is Hairy Guy's Ass
Illustrated.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, if you're going to only allow one, I would think that's the one, you know?
Probably.
It's a good magazine, though.
It is a good...
You know...
It's not all just pictures of Hairy Guy's Ass.
No, the articles are good, actually.
Good articles on if you're buying a home, what home to buy.
Good areas to look.
Good stereo advice.
That's what I read them.
Yeah.
Killer crossword puzzle.
It's just a good publication.
All right.
See, I just read it for Hairy Guy's Ass.
Well, see, that's you, Andy.
Just people are all different.
He was telling me before the show, the last week, he went to the Hairy Guy's
Ass Mansion.
You're doing great.
Why didn't you...
Andy has all the fun.
He gets to all the big celebrity parties.
All right.
Him and Jimmy Conn.
All right.
Oh, man.
That's one news story.
That was a minor news story.
Yeah, minor news story.
Sure.
The big news story this week.
Have you seen those ads for Ronald McDonald?
He's growing up.
Yeah.
And they have him in a discotheque and stuff.
And...
They show him in more adult situations.
Right.
He's trying to grow up.
Mm-hmm.
Now he wants to be called...
He insists on being called Ron.
Really?
And so they're trying to be more adult.
The Happy Meal now consists of a big bottle of whiskey.
And that's making people real happy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
Very fine.
All right.
It's fun to be on the show, you know.
I get recognized a little now, you know.
Sure.
And...
Good for you.
Yeah.
I got a kind of peripheral celebrity now.
Like, I get recognized, but people don't know my name.
Mm-hmm.
So I was on the plane, you know.
I came back, like, yesterday.
Mm-hmm.
And let's say yesterday.
It was, like, three days ago.
Whatever.
But...
Well, then we shouldn't go on with the story unless the date is actually right.
No, it was three days ago.
Okay.
Three days ago.
And I fly back, you know.
And I get on the plane.
So I'm sitting beside this character, you know.
And the guy says to me, he says to me, he says, uh...
He says, hey, I like you on the show there, on the news.
And I go, oh, yeah, thanks.
He goes, man, you're really funny, Bob.
He calls me Bob.
So I said, what the hell, Bob?
That's a name, you know.
Yeah.
So I go, yeah, thanks.
I don't want to say, hey, my name's not Bob, you know.
And it's just a guy on the plane, you know.
So I go, yeah, thanks a lot.
He goes, yeah, yeah, I like you, Bob.
He keeps calling me Bob, you know.
So I go, yeah, good, good.
So anyways, so I just went along with him, you know.
My name was Bob.
And then this other character comes out of the bathroom, you know.
I don't know what he was doing in there.
Probably going to the...
What?
Probably going to the bathroom.
Yeah, he's going to the bathroom.
All right.
But so he comes out, and he's walking down, and he sees me, you know.
And he says, hey, you're that guy on the show.
And I go, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He goes, what's your name?
And then I go, Bob.
You know, I have to say Bob.
So then the guy goes, Bob what?
What's he, because he's confused and everything, you know.
He goes, Bob what?
So I don't want to say Bob McDonald, because then I figure maybe the guy goes,
no, Norm McDonald.
And then the other guy, right?
So I go, Bob Kendall.
I say, Kendall?
I had a teacher named Kendall.
It's the only name I could come up with.
I go, Bob Kendall, you know.
And he goes, yeah, yeah, Bob Kendall.
So that's the...
That's so bad.
No, really?
Yeah.
Oh, man.
And then I try to talk to this guy, you know.
I was sitting beside this guy for five hours.
And I don't know the guy from Bob, Kendall.
I don't know this character.
Yeah.
And I'm forced to talk to him, you know, for five hours.
And I don't know what to talk about.
I don't have a lot to talk about, you know.
And I realize that, like, I don't know.
I know maybe, like, six, seven things, you know.
Uh-huh.
And so I just finish them in, like, a half an hour, I tell them.
And then I don't know what to do, you know.
Right.
And that's hard, huh?
Yeah, hey.
I know four, and I'm running out every night here.
Yeah, it's so hard.
Everybody seems to know so much stuff, you know.
This guy was telling me all kinds of stuff.
He told me that...
He said, I don't know if you know this.
This is an interesting thing.
He told me, did you know that elephants,
uh, do not really have a good memory?
I didn't know that.
Is that true?
Well, that's what this guy said.
Well, then it must be true.
He also said that on, you know that show Star Trek?
Yeah.
He said the actual name of the starship
was not the Star Trek.
It was the Enterprise.
These are gems for people at home.
I hope they're writing them down.
So many people were fooled by that.
Can you hang on one second?
Yeah, that'd be great.
We'll do a commercial.
When we come back more with Mr. Norm MacDonald,
we'll see you in a second.
Back, everybody, here with Norm MacDonald.
And, uh, you know, I find out more and more about you
every time you, uh, come on the program.
You know, I always study up on a file
and I learn more about you.
Uh-huh.
And, uh, I was really surprised to learn.
I didn't know this.
I didn't know this, but you were a bartender.
Yeah, I did a lot of jobs before I got into comedy, you know,
and for a while I was, uh, slinging the, uh, hash.
No, no.
You idiot!
That was when I was a fry cook.
I was a bartender.
I was slinging the drinks, you know?
Sure.
Right.
And, uh, oh, man, that was fun.
I'll tell you what was fun about being a bartender.
Uh-huh.
Always a story, you know?
Really?
Always something funny happening down at the bar.
Uh-huh.
Oh, that's perfect for a talk show, then.
Yeah.
This is a good example.
I was, uh, one time I was worried about
working in there.
Uh-huh.
Drunk guy comes in, you know?
And, uh, you're not supposed to serve the drunk guys, you know?
That's one of the things you learn.
So, uh...
Okay.
And also, you learn how to make the drinks.
Yeah.
But, uh...
So, the drunk guy comes in, you know, real drunk, you know?
Three sheets to the wind, you know?
Uh-huh.
So, this character sits down, you know?
And I says to him, I says,
I says, what do you want?
I can't serve you, you know?
He goes, I don't want a drink, he says, you know?
He says, I want to shoot a dart.
You can't shoot a dart at your dart board, you know?
So, I go to the guy.
I say, you can't shoot a dart at my dart board.
He goes, you're...
I go, you're, uh, you're not in this...
You're drunk, you know?
I said, I'm not gonna let you...
That'd be dangerous.
That's a sharp thing, a dart, you know?
So, the guy goes, no, let me shoot one shot at the dart board.
So, I go, all right, one shot, that's it.
So, the guy shoots the dart bullseye.
I've never seen anything like it, you know?
Even in a state, bullseye.
So, the guy says to me, he says, what do I win?
You know?
So, I don't know what he wins.
I'm confused, you know?
So, I start looking around, try to find something for him.
And I see right in the bottom of the bar area, there's a shoebox with a turtle
in it.
From where?
What is that doing there?
What?
I was gonna give it, I was gonna give it, I was gonna give it as a gift to my
nephew.
Okay, all right.
He wanted a turtle, and I said, I'll give him a turtle.
That'll be a good gift.
Okay.
But then later, I thought, that's a dumb gift, a turtle.
Nobody likes a turtle, you know?
The kid will probably just put him on his back until he dies.
Kids are cruel, you know?
So, I said, why not just give it to this drunk?
Okay.
Yep.
Okay.
So, I said, here's your prize, here it is.
And so, the guy takes it in the shoebox, you know, and he goes, thanks, and he
walks out with it.
So, I figured, that's the last I'll ever see of that guy.
Sure.
Two weeks later, the guy shows up again.
Mm-hmm.
Drunk again.
So, now I go, oh, my God, that's that guy from two weeks ago, you know?
So, he walks up to the bar, the guy goes, I can't serve you, buddy, I can't do
that.
He goes, I don't want you, he says, I want to shoot a dart at your dart board.
Uh-huh.
I go, oh, no, man, I let you do that before.
He goes, but I got a bullseye.
I say, yeah, yeah, but you can't do that again, you know, it was luck.
He goes, let me try.
So, he takes it, shoots it bullseye again.
Oh, man.
So, he goes, what do I win, you know?
So, I'm confused, I don't know, you know?
I look around, I go, I don't know.
I go, what did you win last time?
He goes, oh, last time.
He goes, last time I won a, I won a roast beef on a hard roll.
It was the turtle.
We know it was the turtle.
It was the turtle.
We know.
Oh, my God.
It was the turtle.
Guy must have gone out and ate it.
It was crazy.
Oh, he ate the turtle, I see now.
It was crazy.
That's the real end of the joke.
It wasn't a joke.
I knew it really happened, right.
God forbid that was a joke.
Sorry for calling what really happened to you a joke.
I apologize.
All right, well, listen, Saturday Night Live this week, Christine Baranski.
She's funny.
And The Cure.
Yeah.
Sounds like a good show.
You'll be there.
I'm excited about Wayne Newton, seeing him.
I don't know these people, but Wayne Newton.
Wayne Newton, yeah.
You're going to stick around for Wayne Newton?
I can't wait to see him.
Mr. Excitement.
Yeah, that's cool.
Oh, he's the greatest.
He's going to be great.
I saw him when I was a kid.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, he was so great, you know?
All right.
He gives it his all, that guy.
No, seriously.
I'm sure he does.
I didn't mean to laugh.
I mean, he does.
I met him backstage.
This guy looks younger than us.
Yeah, he does.
He's great looking.
You guys are going to have fun in a few minutes.
What a great plug.
You've got to stick around.
You've got to take it from Norm MacDonald, everybody.
Thanks, Norm.
Wayne Newton, Tracy Bonham coming up.
It's a solid show.
Stick around.