Name: Norm Macdonald - Long Joke Compilation Early CONAN (1996-1999)
Uploaded: 2019-05-24T01:08:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald - Long Joke Compilation Early CONAN (1996-1999)' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald - Long Joke Compilation Early CONAN (1996-1999)' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-24. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald - Long Joke Compilation Early CONAN (1996-1999)

I'm here with Norm MacDonald.
You often speak of your native Canada.
Yeah, I love Canada.
You mention it a lot.
Yeah, people love people, a couple of people.
Three to be exact.
They like it.
That's important.
Where are you from?
Are you from a big city?
No, I'm from a little town.
It's called Monkland, and it's only 108 people.
108?
That's small.
Yeah, it's country, you know.
It's really rural.
But man, I'll tell you, there's lots of funny stories from there.
Well, I'm sorry we don't have time.
Thank you very much for coming, Norm.
It was good having you here.
It was Norm MacDonald.
Good night, everybody.
Because farm people, you know.
Really, there are funny stories from this town.
Yeah, because farm people, they all seem to be, you know,
they all seem to be a funny story.
I remember one time.
There better be, Norm.
There was a guy, man.
He lived down the road.
His name was John Neal Mergerison.
And this guy, I went to him once.
I've been away for a couple of years, you know.
I moved to the city, you know.
And I came back, and I said,
John Neal, how are you doing?
You know, I went to his, what do you call it, farm?
Yeah, that thing, yeah.
So he showed me his pigs.
He had a bunch of pigs there, you know.
He had a bunch of pigs, a bunch of them.
And one of the pigs, one of the pigs had a wooden leg, you know.
What?
Oh, yeah, wooden leg.
So I thought that was odd, you know.
So I said to him, I said, John Neal, that's odd.
There, what's that pig?
What's the story with that pig?
So John Neal, he goes, oh, man, Norm.
He says, that's a special pig.
He goes, you wouldn't believe that pig.
I go, yeah?
Well, tell me about it.
He goes, that pig.
You wouldn't believe it.
He says, last winter, you know.
He goes, the house burned down.
You know, you probably heard.
The house burned down.
And he says, me and the wife, we were sleeping in our bed.
And he says, we never would have heard.
We never would have heard.
We never would have woken up.
But he goes, that pig, he broke out of his pen.
He ran all the way to the house.
And he went up to the bedroom window, you know.
He says, he starts hitting his little snout on a window, you know.
And he says, me and the wife, we woke up.
And we got out, man, just in time.
We escaped that inferno.
He didn't use the word inferno.
He's just a farmer.
You threw that in there.
Yeah, he said, we escaped that conflagration, you know.
So I go, man, that's quite a story about the pig.
He goes, oh, man, it doesn't stop there.
I go, really?
And he goes, yeah.
And he goes, just later after that, like the following summer,
me and the wife were plowing in North 40.
And our little boy, only two years old, man, fell into the well.
And all alone, you know.
And there was no way we could do anything.
We were plowing.
And he says, we didn't hear, you know.
And he says, man, you know, we're getting older.
We're probably not going to have another kid.
You know, that kid means everything to us.
I go, I know, John Neal.
I know that.
You don't have to tell me that.
So I said, what happens?
He goes, that's their very same pig.
He says, he heard the child's wailing plaintiff cry.
He didn't say plaintiff, you know.
He's a farmer.
But he says, he heard.
He heard the child.
He broke out of his pen.
He ran all the way to the well.
He looked down.
There was the poor son of ours there, Billy, you know, down at the bottom of
the well.
He says, the pig, he took his snout there.
He started pulling up on a rope.
And he got, the kid got right out, you know.
And he, man, that's great, isn't it?
And I go, I go, man, that's the greatest story I ever heard.
Man, oh, what a pig.
I said, what a pig that is.
I said, one question, though, John Neal.
I said, he got a wooden leg.
I don't understand that part.
He got, pig, pig got a wooden leg over there.
John Neal goes, man, he goes, what are you crazy?
He says, he says, a great pig like that, you can't eat him all at once.
You know, he said.
Mr. Abraham Lincoln, everybody.
Yeah, there we are.
Back, everybody, here with Norm MacDonald.
And, you know, I find out more and more about you every time you come on the
program.
You know, I always study up on a file and I learn more about you.
And I was really surprised to learn I didn't know this.
I didn't know this, but you were a bartender.
Yeah, I did a lot of jobs before I got into comedy, you know.
And for a while, I was slinging the hash.
No, no.
You idiot.
That was when I was a fry cook.
I was a bartender.
I was slinging the drinks, you know.
Sure, right.
And, oh, man, that was fun.
I'll tell you what was fun about being a bartender.
Always a story, you know.
Really?
Always something funny happening down at the bar.
That's perfect for a talk show, then.
Yeah, this is a good example.
I was, one time I was working in there.
A drunk guy comes in, you know.
And you're not supposed to serve the drunk guys, you know.
That's one of the things you learn.
So, uh.
Okay.
And also, you learn how to make the drinks.
Yeah.
But, uh.
So, the drunk guy comes in, you know, real drunk, you know.
Three sheets to the wind, you know.
Uh-huh.
So, this character sits down, you know.
And I says to him, I says, I says, what do you want?
I can't serve you, you know.
He goes, I don't want a drink, he says, you know.
He says, I want to shoot a dart at your dart board, you know.
So, I go to the guy.
I say, you can't shoot a dart at my dart board.
He goes, you're, I go, you're, uh, you're not, uh, you're drunk, you know.
I said, I'm not going to let you, that'd be dangerous.
That's a sharp thing, a dart, you know.
So, the guy goes, no, let me shoot one shot at the dart board.
So, I go, all right, one shot, that's it.
So, the guy shoots the dart, bullseye.
I've never seen anything like it, you know.
Even in his state, bullseye.
So, the guy says to me, he says, what do I win, you know.
Uh-huh.
So, I, now, I don't know what he wins.
I'm confused, you know.
So, I start looking around, try to find something for him.
And I see in a, in a, right in the bottom of the bar area,
there's a, uh, there's a shoe box with a turtle in it.
From where?
What, what is that doing there?
What?
I was going to give it.
I was going to give it.
I was going to give it as a gift to my nephew.
Okay, all right.
He wanted a turtle, and I said, I'll give him a turtle.
That'll be a good gift.
Okay.
But then, later, I thought, that's a dumb gift to turtle.
Nobody likes a turtle, you know.
The kid will probably just put him on his back until he dies.
Kids are cruel, you know.
So, I said, why not just give it to this drunk?
Okay.
You know.
Okay.
So, I said, here's your prize.
Here it is.
And so, the guy takes it in the shoe box, you know,
and he goes, thanks, and he walks out with it.
So, I figured, that's the last I'll ever see
of that guy.
Sure.
Two weeks later, the guy shows up again.
Drunk again.
So, now I go, oh, my God.
That's that guy from two weeks ago, you know.
So, he walks up to the bar.
I go, I can't serve you, buddy.
I can't do that.
He goes, I don't want you.
He says, I want to shoot a dart at your dart board.
Uh-huh.
I go, oh, no, man.
I let you do that before.
He goes, but I got a bullseye.
I say, yeah, yeah, but you can't do that again.
You know, I was lucky.
He goes, let me try.
So, he takes it, shoots it, bullseye again.
Oh, man.
So, he goes, what do I win?
You know?
So, I'm confused.
I don't know, you know.
I look around.
I go, I don't know.
I go, what did you win last time?
He goes, oh, last time.
He goes, last time I won a, I won a roast beef on a hard roll.
It was a turtle.
We know it was the turtle.
It was the turtle.
We know.
Oh, my God.
It was the turtle.
Guy must have gone out and ate it.
It was crazy.
Oh, he ate the turtle.
I see now.
It was crazy.
That's the real end of the joke.
It wasn't a joke.
I know it really happened, right.
God forbid that was a joke.
I guess I've known you for, I don't know, for a little while now.
And you've come on the show a bunch of times.
And we've gotten, you know, I was kind of surprised because someone told me
that, that Norm MacDonald, you, has gotten kind of, you know, superstitious.
And I thought, that's odd.
Because I don't think of you as that kind of person.
I never was.
I was always a doubting Thomas.
I couldn't think of the name.
I was always a doubting, I was going to say Fred.
I was always a doubting Thomas.
You know, I was always, nah, that's stuff.
That's not true.
That's a load of stuff, you know.
So, but then I had this thing.
You wouldn't believe it.
You know, it opened my eyes.
It made a believer out of me.
What happened was I had a dream.
And it was like the number seven in my dream.
A giant number seven.
It was the most vivid dream I ever had.
So I wake up from the dream, right.
Uh-huh.
I'm with you.
Yeah.
So I wake up from the dream, from this number seven.
I look over at my clock, seven o'clock.
Right?
Wow.
So I get up.
It's not that coincidental.
No, I'm just sort of going along with you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So then I go out and I decide, hey, why don't I take a cab, you know.
So I get in the cab.
And it's cab number seven, I notice, when I'm in the cab.
Now I'm starting to get a little freaked out, you know.
And so I say, hey, take me to the track.
I enjoy playing the ponies, you know what I mean?
Sure, I hear what you're saying.
Yeah.
I like going down there going, I like visiting my money.
No, you crack me up.
My uncle used to say that.
So I go to the track, you know, and I say, okay, what do I owe you there, fella?
He says, $7.77.
Oh.
I said, good Lord.
I said, I thought it was like 40 cents a month.
Anyways.
So I go, here you go.
I pay him, you know, I give him like eight bucks.
Right.
So I get, I walk through, like, I walk through gate seven, you know.
We have to ticket number, window number seven there at the horse place, you
know.
And I look up, they have the form there, you know, the racing form shows you
all the races.
So I look and I see in the seventh race, there's a horse called Lucky Seven.
And he pays 77 to one, you know.
So I say, to hell with this.
I say, I'm going to pull out all my money.
I pull out all my money.
I had like 700 bucks.
Wow.
Pull it out.
I said, put this all on Lucky 7th and a 7th, you know.
I go watch the race.
Damn, if he didn't come in 7th.
That's incredible.
What an amazing story.
Well, that's an incredible story, Norm.
I'm sorry about cursing.
I forgot that.
That's all right.
We're on cable by now.
Every day I meet somebody new, you know.
This city's great because of the neighborly people, you know.
But I did meet one neighbor.
Interesting story, you know.
That this guy just moved in, you know, next door to me.
So I'm always one to meet the neighbors.
You like to chat with the neighbors, yeah.
Yeah, because, you know, so I went over to the guy.
I knocked on the door, next door to where I live.
And I say to the guy, I said, hey, I'm your new neighbor, you know.
And I said, good to see you.
You know, nice to run into you, you know.
Welcome to the neighborhood, you know.
And so the guy, I said, what do you do for a living there, sir?
You know, if you don't mind me asking.
You know, what do you do for a living?
I'm a nightclub comic, I tell the guy.
So he says to me, he says, I work down at the University of Science there.
He says, I'm a, I'm a, um.
That's a good school, by the way.
I can't remember the exact place.
Sure.
He says, I, uh, I'm a professor of logic.
Oh.
So he says to the guy, he says, logic.
Now, what the hell is that?
I never heard tell of that.
He says, oh, well, he says it's a kind of a pattern of, uh, syllogistic, uh,
well, he says
it's hard to explain.
He says, uh, uh, why don't I give you an example?
Mm-hmm.
So I said, fair enough.
Why don't you do that?
So the guy says, well, he says, let me ask you a question.
He says, do you own a dog house?
So I go, yes, I do.
He says, well, then, that means you probably have a dog.
I said, yes.
Mm-hmm.
He says, uh, well, that means you're likely you have a family if you have a dog.
I said, yes,