Name: Norm Macdonald on the Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno (Apr 1998) Mickey Mouse Story
Uploaded: 2019-05-30T01:01:41.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on the Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno (Apr 1998) Mickey Mouse Story' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on the Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno (Apr 1998) Mickey Mouse Story' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-30. Transcript available.

First guest, a very funny man. He's an actor, he's a writer, he's a comedian,
he's a raconteur.
His latest movie is called Dirty Work. It opens this June. Please welcome Norm
MacDonald.
Good to see you.
Hey, good to be here, man.
I love that bump we shared of you getting out of the limo in the orange.
You look like you just got out of county rehab in the orange jumpsuit you had
on.
I had an orange jumpsuit?
You had some kind of orange sweatshirt on when you were riding.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I wonder what that was.
You having a nice Earth Day?
Earth Day, yeah, I'm enjoying it. I do what I do on all... I got drunk.
Yeah?
That's what I do when there's a holiday.
But no, it's nice. It was...
I appreciated the Earth.
Yeah?
I don't know. I appreciate the Earth. I don't even get it. It's just a bunch of
dirt, isn't it?
Yeah.
It's just a giant round ball of dirt.
Yeah, that's one way of looking at it.
Yeah, I don't like the Earth.
No? Not an Earth fan?
No, I don't care for the Earth.
But apparently I was seeing on the news there that the Clinton, President
Clinton, he celebrated Earth Day.
He had sex with a tree.
Really?
Yeah, really.
But it's none of our business, you know?
Now, what are you up to? How's your son? You guys having fun together? Are you
doing that?
Oh, yeah. We went to Disney World last week in Florida?
Oh, in Florida?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that place is great, man.
Yeah.
There are all these, like, Goofies there, and Mickey Mouse, and Pluto, and Chip
and Dale.
Yeah, old Chip and Dale.
Yeah, they're all there, and they don't, like, wander around like they used to.
No?
They keep them in, like, one place, and you have to line up to get, and even
give autographs, you know?
What the hell do you want an autograph from?
So, yeah.
You get an autograph from a bitter college student making four bucks an hour,
you know?
But I didn't stand in line. That was an hour line to get an autograph from one
of these guys.
So, I, I, uh, what I did is I got autographs from some of the characters that
my kids weren't aware of that are at Disneyland.
Like, I got an autograph from a security man guy, and, uh, Mr. Popcorn Stan,
you know?
They had a weird thing in that thing.
There was, yeah, a guy was, uh, taking a picture with his kid, and Goofy was
there, you know?
Or, no, it was Mickey, Mickey Mouse.
Right.
And, uh, Mickey Mouse was taking a picture with a little two-year-old, and the,
the two-year-old's father was taking the picture.
And the kid, like, slipped out of Mickey's hands and fell down.
And, uh, fortunately, Mickey has giant shoes.
So, it protected the child from smashing into the concrete.
Right.
And it hit him, he bounced off the shoe, you know?
And then there was bedlam.
Everybody was, like, scared and everything.
And everybody was all worried and yelling.
And, meanwhile, Mickey has this big smile on his face.
He doesn't know where he can't change his expression, you know?
All he can do is, like, go, woo-hoo-hoo!
And I took him to Animal Kingdom.
Did I have a new thing?
Have you heard about the Animal Kingdom?
Yeah, the real animals, that's what it is?
Real animals.
It's unbelievable.
It's, like, in Africa.
Not in Africa, but it's, they make it look like Africa.
And, uh, they, uh, all the animals, they're real animals.
They're not, like, fake animals from, like, the Disney World.
And, uh, which is the problem with it, because you've got your little five-year-old,
and, uh, the problem with all the real animals is you've got to look at the
giant animal penises
all over the place.
And I never thought of it that way.
It's horrible.
Yeah.
That's one way of looking at it.
They should do it like the Disney World, put a pair of pants on them.
Yeah.
Nobody wants to see that.
That would be my first concern.
Yeah, I know.
Well, I don't think the kid can want all the grass.
Especially the giraffe.
The giraffe, yeah.
Holy lord almighty.
I've never seen anything like it.
You try to explain it.
You try to explain it the best you can to my little five-year-old.
I'm going, like, that's his trunk.
You know, I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't want them to know that real animals are all dirty.
Those real animals, I think all they want is dirty, dirty sex.
Yeah.
Well, let me ask you something.
Now, I knew you when you started here in L.A., but you're from Canada.
Yeah.
You started in Canada.
I did some gigs in Canada.
Yeah.
And it's a little different, isn't it?
It's kind of rough there, because they've got, like, a lot of people that, like,
hate me.
Oh, well, that could be a disadvantage.
That's rough going in.
But, like, it was all, like, you'd go to these crazy places, like Medicine Hat
or Red Deer.
Yeah, yeah.
Or I played one place, Head Smashed In, Buffalo Jump.
It was a crazy place.
Yeah.
And you know how it got its name?
It was a guy, in the old days, the buffalo used to run, open in the plains.
It was beautiful, you know, way back in the 70s.
And they would run, and so the way they'd catch them is, Jay, they'd dig a hole
with a shovel.
Right.
Dig a hole.
Yeah, I got you.
And then they'd dig the hole with the shovel, and then the buffalo, they're
dumb animals.
They just run, you know, and run and run and run, and then fall into the hole,
right?
So one time, this Indian dude, a brave, you know, he was digging the hole, and
he didn't hear all the buffaloes were already running.
And then all the buffaloes fell on his head and smashed it in.
So then they called the town, Head Smashed In, Buffalo Jump.
It's a very unwieldy name.
Really, unwieldy name.
And you played gigs there?
I mean, what were the audiences like?
They were horrible.
Man, they hated my guts.
Yeah.
I remember this one gig I did, I went in, and the guy goes like, he goes, you
have to do an hour, because you have to do an hour.
And he goes, I don't want you doing any shorter than an hour, because a lot of
guys, they'll just run away in the middle.
You know, they don't have any problems.
Where a lot of comedians would freak out in bulk, because everyone hated them.
So I said, all right, all right, I'll do an hour.
So I do an hour.
They hate me the whole time.
They're screaming and yelling and saying they don't like me and everything.
And then, at the end of it, I have to host this thing they have, it's called a
joke contest.
And it's where members of the audience, right, will come up from the audience
and tell jokes.
And I'd be the emcee.
So, but they hated me, you know.
And so I'd go, here, come on up here, you got a joke there, Bill?
And then every guy would, like, use me in the joke, you know.
Like, they'd take a mic, they'd go, okay, yeah, there's, what's your name again?
Norm.
Yeah, there's this fruit Norm.
And then everyone would laugh, you know.
And then this one dude, he came up and he had a beer, you know, and he'd take a
swig of beer.
And he goes, hey, Norm, you want to see my impression of a whale?
And I go, yeah, all right, I enjoy whales.
And then he, like, spit all the beer in my face like a whale, like a spout of a
whale.
And then he won.
I had to give him, like, a gift certificate.
Well, let me ask you about, let me ask you about your movie.
Oh, yeah, the movie.
Describe your, Journey of Work is a movie.
It opens next, it opens in June?
Yeah, yeah, it opens in June.
And that was cool.
I never did a movie before.
That's hard, man.
Hard work?
Holy Lord, you gotta, first of all, like, you gotta go by a different name in
the movie.
Like, my name's Norm, as you know.
So, in the movie, I play this dude, Mitch.
Mitch.
Right?
So, you know, it's hard.
A guy calls you Mitch, and you go, what?
And then they go, cats, we're wasting money.
You know, they get all mad.
And I go, I'm sorry, the guy called me Mitch.
You know what I mean?
And I say, why can't he call me Norm?
You know?
This is the name.
Who the hell cares, you know?
It'd be like on your show, if a guy goes, well, Phil, you know?
You're going to go, Phil?
Now, what is this clip we're going to see?
Does he need any explanation to this clip?
This clip is, I just want to say before the clip, Jay.
This is a very important, no, no, I won't say that.
Let's watch the clip.
I think this is a clip, I think this is a clip, because we do revenge in the
business.
Is it already starting?
Okay.
We do revenge.
You're in the revenge business?
We're in the revenge business.
Like, if you need any revenge, I get it for you.
Me and my buddy are already.
Oh, and you charge people for this service?
Yeah, we charge people for the service.
So, this guy's a bad dude, this character you see here on the screen.
And so we get revenge on him.
All right, let's take a look.
Here's the scene from Dirty Word.
I'm right here with you, live, to show you a great batch of luxury automobiles.
Like this one-year-old Cadillac DeVille.
Priced right at $36,000.
Fully loaded.
V8 engine.
Standard.
Shock-resistant CD player.
Standard.
Hey, the trunk looks kind of small there, Anton.
This is live.
I'm on live TV.
Trunk's fine.
As you can see, friend, it's...
Not small.
It's a big trunk.
I'll show you right here.
Well, you got a dead hooker in the trunk.
What?
No.
It can't be.
Yes, it was.
It was a dead hooker.
It wasn't a dead hooker.
Hell, I know a dead hooker when I see one.
Hey, folks.
Come on, Dan.
Hey, here's another dead hooker in this trunk.
What?
Oh, my goodness.
What are you doing?
I've never seen so many dead hookers in all my life.
Lord knows I have.
Well, Norm, good luck with the movie.
The movie's called Dirty Work.
It opens in June.
I know you've got to run with you on stage in Tucson tonight.
Yeah, I've got to go do Tucson.
You're not going to make that play, but look, good luck, huh?
Okay, right.
Nice to try.
Morning, darling.
Thanks for coming right back with Tiffany Amethisa, man.