Name: Norm Macdonald on Conan - Sick cat story (June 1996) Full Appearance Hilarious Jokes
Uploaded: 2019-05-31T00:46:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on Conan - Sick cat story (June 1996) Full Appearance Hilarious Jokes' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on Conan - Sick cat story (June 1996) Full Appearance Hilarious Jokes' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-31. Transcript available.

what a crowd hey man the greatest that's a good crowd but you're norm mcdonald
you know you get
that everywhere this is an exciting day here at 30 rock you know the uh rosie o'donnell
show
premiere today and i was in it's tapes at the same floor at saturday live on 8h
they had flowers sent
there was the whole it's unbelievable you know people must love it there's
flowers all along the
entire 8h all flowers they're sent by like there's one from madonna one from elizabeth
taylor regis
and kathy lee i've never seen so many flowers it was i didn't even realize you
could eat flowers
but no hiya rosie i'll be a pal that's mighty neighborly of you yeah nice of
you to eat all
those flowers no she's great the show is great you know
ah you're screwed now how's that how's it going it's summertime now so you got
a break from that
whole nutty news thing yeah yeah that's why i love coming on this show i get to
do the news stories
that i wouldn't be able to do you know what i'm saying uh-huh really that's the
nice thing about
this show it's like you could just do them to a mirror but what fun would that
be you come here
and you can do your uh do your stuff yeah i got other things i like doing in
front of the mirror
the uh that's gross i don't know what they're thinking you didn't mean it that
way of course
no no so uh but one big news story twister is the big is the big uh the big uh
what do you call it
movie yeah twister's the big movie and uh uh i got some news apparently now
they're thinking about
oscars for the movie yeah the uh they're thinking of best actor uh for uh for
the wind
before the show you said that was that stunk yeah yeah you're right i i did i i
did they showed me a
sheet of some stuff norm might talk about we all know these are completely
spontaneous and uh i picked
that one out i circled it and said that ain't gonna work i know this crowd you're
right yeah i'm your
friend i'm looking out for you but you got other ones that i thought were
terrific yeah i i didn't
like them that much but but there was one i just thought of i was just reading
the paper backstage
dr kevorkian did you read this he killed his 29th person oh just today and uh
let me tell you
something and i want to tell uh america this guy is not a good doctor i mean
people should start
it's crazy you know i i would have killed less people than that i'm not even a
doctor you know
yeah yeah uh-huh no i i go well how is how is life i know besides thinking of
uh these news story
things and stuff like that you know you're having a good time you able to relax
over the summer have
a good time am i able to have a good time my cat just had a heart attack are
you serious yeah he had
a heart you ever hear such a crazy thing no i didn't know they got things like
that yeah they
get a heart attack so i got it off steve corin this writer up uh uh yeah yeah
so he gives me his cat
turns out it's some kind of a defective cat you know so he's a nice cat and
everything i'm getting
along with him i come back to my apartment last week the cat's like foaming at
the mouth he's shaking
like this he's foam coming out so i didn't want to get near it i thought maybe
you know who knows he
was delirious made me think i'm a mouse so i said i don't want to get near him
so i phoned 9-1-1 you
know i panicked i phoned 9-1-1 right right which uh turns out it's just for
people
i didn't know that you didn't know either they got mad they said that they
would have me arrested
if i phoned oh okay but anyways you know i love this cat it's a good cat so i
took him down i i got him
in a cab and i took him down to the hospital the animal hospital uh-huh and uh
the guy tells me he's
my cat had a heart attack he takes him away he says oh yeah yeah he had cardiac
arrest and stuff
and he started asking me questions about like he says uh i said what would
cause that he goes you
know diet stress stress yeah well yeah he had a big promotion coming out
so uh uh-huh and then he made he let me visit the cat uh-huh he says you can
visit the cat you know
there's visiting hours like all right so you go in this room and then they
bring the cat in in a cage
he's all drugged up and then they put the cat like on a bed and then the guy
goes okay we'll be back
in a half an hour you have half an hour you know with my the cat like for half
an hour so after five
minutes you know i figured i got a life to give back you know it's a cat so uh
uh we go out and uh
so afterwards he told me he had a lot of he said okay i could have an operation
which was like four
thousand dollars which you know i could buy like a hundred cats for that you
know but uh i figured what
what the hell would i do with a hundred cats right right so you you got the cat
you sprung for the
operation no i didn't oh no there was another thing where where uh he's on
medication uh-huh you
know and i have my medication i have this medication he said uh he said uh he
said there was some good
news and bad news he said the the bad news was the cat only has like a 20
chance of survival
but he says the good news is uh it's just a cat
i like that he's a bad doctor he's a bad doctor too he's hanging on one second
yeah we're gonna take
a break folks we'll be back with uh more norm mcdonald but first this message
from coca-cola
after a long day of carrying the olympic torch nothing relieves your thirst
like an ice cold coca-cola
right oldie olsen
hey everybody we're back here with norm mcdonald and uh you were talking about
uh the going to
the last segment i understand you actually had to visit yourself
yeah i went uh i um what happened was on the show on the saturday live show
yeah that show yeah i know that show i was on that and uh dennis rodman was a
guest dennis
rodman right and uh so we thought it'd be funny if he head butted me you know
so he head butted me
but he he did it really hard you know do we have a uh i think actually we
someone supplied the clip
this is you're you're not yeah
yeah you hear that you hear that dull thud of like skull on skull it really
yeah and my i don't have
like a strong head oh i haven't been working it out later really but he has
like an athlete's head you
know but uh no beforehand he said like i said hey don't hit me with your head
or no you know don't
really hit me and he goes no no he goes he had this thing where he was going to
put his thumbs and as
soon as he touched my thumbs i go back and then he got all excited and headbutted
me so like so he put
you feel like pull the thumbs back and then real head was coming at you and so
i like blacked out for
like a minute and then the next day i had this huge headache so i thought i was
going to die you know
and uh so i went to the hospital i went to say i don't want to say the hospital
but i went to this
hospital and to emergency you know and uh they're all like yeah they're the
craziest guys in emergency
it's all like crap everybody's on crack you know every emergency is a guy on
crack yeah so i went in
and they go uh they go like hey uh how much crack did you have you know i'm not
on crack and i go what
what happened i go dennis rodman headbutted me on the tv he headbutted me on
the tv so they go yeah
how much crack uh-huh so what happened well you would they anything wrong yeah
i don't know man they
said like uh you can't tell they said like uh the only way you can tell is if
later on if you go to
sleep and you don't wake up yeah that's why you didn't mention the name of the
hospital yeah i don't
want to mention it i i i i didn't know this too if you yeah you if you go to
emergency you gotta pay
they keep sending me bills like all kinds of bills you thought it was free that
you could just
go there and yeah yeah i'm from canada it's all free then oh okay
now uh you know i i guess i've known you uh for i don't know for a little while
now and you've come
on the show a bunch of times and we've gotten you know i was kind of surprised
because someone told me
that that uh norm mcdonald you uh has gotten kind of you know superstitious and
i thought
that's odd because i don't think of you as that kind of person i never was i
was always a doubting
thomas i couldn't think of the name
i was always a doubting i was gonna say fred
i was always a doubting thomas you know i was always nah that's stuff that's
not true that's a
load of stuff you know so but then i had this thing you wouldn't believe it you
know i opened my
eyes it made a believer out of me what happened was i had a dream and it was
like the number seven
in my dream a giant number seven it was the most vivid dream i ever had so i
wake up from the dream
right uh-huh i'm with you yeah so i wake up from the dream from this number
seven i look over at my
clock seven o'clock right wow so i get up it's not that coincidental no i'm
just sort of going along
with yeah yeah so then i go out and i decide hey why don't i take a cab you
know so i get in the cab
and it's cab number seven i notice when i'm in the cab now i'm starting to get
a little freaked out you
know and uh so i say hey take me to the track i enjoy uh playing the ponies you
know sure i hear
what you're saying yeah i like going down there and i like uh visiting my money
so no you crack me up my uncle needs to say that so i go to the track you know
and i say okay what do
i owe you there fella he says seven dollars and seventy seven cents oh i said
good lord i said i thought
it was like 40 cents and anyways so i go here you go i pay him you know i give
him like
eight bucks right so uh i get i walk through like uh i walk through gate seven
you know we have to
ticket number window number seven there at the the horse place you know and i
look up they have the
form there you know the racing form shows you all the races so i look and i see
in the seventh race
there's a horse called lucky seven and he pays 77 to one you know so i say to
hell with this i say i'm
gonna pull out all my money bet i pull out all my money i had like 700 bucks
wow
pull it out i said put this all on lucky seventh and a seventh you know i go
watch the the race damn if
he didn't come in seventh that's incredible
that's an incredible story norm i'm sorry about cursing i forgot that's all
right we're on cable by
now i think uh listen now let me tell everybody where you are this saturday
night live this weekend's a
good one it's a rerun but let's get real excited about it john goodman and everclear
are going to be
on that show yeah they're great people should check that out and uh rita rudner
the sunny burgess and
rosie florist combo coming up norm mcdonald thank you very much for doing it we'll
be right back stick
you