Name: Norm Macdonald on Dennis Miller Live Compilation (1997-1999) Uncut & Unfiltered - 4 Appearances
Uploaded: 2019-07-04T22:43:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on Dennis Miller Live Compilation (1997-1999) Uncut & Unfiltered - 4 Appearances' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on Dennis Miller Live Compilation (1997-1999) Uncut & Unfiltered - 4 Appearances' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-04. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald on Dennis Miller Live Compilation (1997-1999) Uncut & Unfiltered - 4 Appearances

He anchors the Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live, and he has recently quit
the nasty habit of smoking.
Norm MacDonald. Norm!
All right.
Come on, Norm.
You're a wrap-up.
Now, you're a young iconoclast, Norm. You know, the kids, they get you.
What?
I was going to wear a suit, and I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I don't need you.
I like this old D.B. Cooper look for you, man.
This is, now, is he the guy who jumped out of the plane?
No, no. He's married to Alice Cooper.
Now, the thing I'm, uh, remember you wrote for my first talk show?
Yeah, you gave me my first job.
And I used to come in the room, and you and Drake say there had no lights on.
It was like some fucking Anton LaVey's Satan cult in there.
And you guys used to turn out the sickest jokes ever.
And everybody was always smoking.
Then I see you on Saturday Night Live during the opening credits.
And one of the things I like about you is you're completely unfiltered on that
show.
You'll say anything.
And I saw in the picture you had a cigarette in your mouth.
This guy just doesn't give a shit.
So I asked you to come on.
I find out you pussed out on me and quit smoking.
What is that all about?
No, because it's bad for you.
They have these fucking things on the side.
You have to read the fine print where it says, it's bad.
Now, when did you first start smoking?
I started smoking as a kid, like when I was, I think I was like 14, and I
thought, I'll
look really cool, like if I start smoking, because I didn't get along with
anybody.
So I started smoking.
Wouldn't you know it, I did look cool.
All of a sudden, all these broads like me and everything.
Not broads, but ladies, girls.
And it was hard, though, man, because I was guilty about all the time I smoked,
because
I always thought, you know, I always knew it was bad for me, you know, like
even though
some, you know, some guys will say that it's good because their uncle lived
long or something
and he smoked, you know, and they'll go, hey, what about, you know, that old
guy, you
know, Burt Mustin, what about that guy, you know, and then he, just because he
lived
long, that doesn't mean anything, right?
That's just one guy.
You can't, just because Burt Mustin lived long, you're all of a sudden.
You did your master's theses on this, didn't you?
Now, do people bother you a lot when you're smoking, or are people pissed off
when?
Yeah, people don't like when you smoke, you know, they're bothered, like, I got
to admit
though, secondhand smoke is bad, like I don't like, when I smoked, I didn't
like secondhand
smoke, you know?
I like that firsthand smoke, because you get to suck it right out of the
cigarette, you
know?
And the secondhand, any, any fucking thing that's already been ingested by
someone is
not as good, you know?
You know what I mean?
I, I, like a pork sandwich is delicious, but after a digested pork sandwich,
that's fucking
shit.
You know, you can't fight that logic, Norman.
You cannot.
Do you think advertising brings kids to smoking?
You know, they have a lot of fights with the Joe Camel thing.
Do you think they really?
Yeah, they got, no, yeah, definitely they got to, because the thing is this,
the advertisers,
they got to go after kids, because they're not going to get adults.
Like, there's not going to be a 50-year-old guy going, hey, I should start
smoking.
That goddamn Camel.
Look at him.
They're going to get little children.
Joe Camel.
Yeah.
That's a frightening looking beast.
He looks like a cock.
I didn't make this up.
And I know you don't mind first-hand cock, but, uh...
You don't know that.
Don't say that.
I know how this stuff happens, man.
There's a buddy of mine who worked on Saturday Night Live, and he said he was a
fag once, as
a joke.
And then he said, everybody comes up to him and says, are you a fag?
Gay man, I mean.
Show about smoking.
They thought you meant the British word for cigarette.
All right, uh...
Exactly.
Can I bum a fag?
That's what they say in England.
Where else?
All right, uh...
The thing about Joe Camel looking like a cock, Dennis...
Oh, yeah.
I lost my train of thought.
Thanks for bringing me back.
Is this.
This is what I've noticed.
He doesn't even look like a fucking camel.
He looks so much like a cock.
Because you know how it's usually subliminal?
Yeah.
Where you have to find the cock, right?
This character, you have to find the goddamn camel.
Yeah, believe me, when you only get two humps out of a cock, it's not worth
smoking.
All right, now...
Line two, we've got a phone call for you.
Although I can't believe they'd still be on the line after this departure.
Line two, we've got Beverly from Middletown, Ohio.
Beverly?
Yeah, hi, Dennis.
Hi, Norm.
Hi.
You didn't know my name, I don't think.
Yes, I did.
I watched Saturday Night.
Do you like it?
Yeah.
I liked it when Dennis was on it.
Yeah, me too.
I watched Dennis every few years.
Get out of here.
You're great at that, man.
You're great at Dennis.
You know why?
Because you don't give a shit about Dennis.
You know what I mean?
It's like the best thing you can do.
Whenever I'd go on, they'd go, what's it like following Chevy?
And I like Chevy.
He makes me laugh.
What the fuck do I think about Chevy?
I'm trying to make a living here.
Right.
You know what I mean?
Right.
When I see you, I know you're thinking the same thing.
Like, screw Dennis.
I'm killing it.
Okay.
Anyway, go ahead.
What's your question?
Okay.
Since nicotine is such an addictive drug, do you think someday you'll have to
have a prescription
to buy a pack of cigarettes?
Well, you know, they always bring up the Constitution and talk about how we
should still have the
right to a militia and all that.
But let's face facts.
This country was built on tobacco growers.
So, you know, if you're going to start changing, if you're not going to change
one thing
because it comes from way back then, you can't change this either.
There are farmers out there who make a living.
Tobacco is one of the crops that got this country going.
So, no, I don't think they'll ever make it illegal.
Yeah, no, they shouldn't make it illegal.
I know, I know.
I think Norm's backing me up on that.
What motivated you to quit?
Well, I guess, you know, I guess I was just, I read this thing about how it was
like a phallic
symbol and my doctor went in and I said, he said, you probably have an oral fixation,
which
you know what that means.
Let's not kid ourselves, right?
So, that's why I always smoke like cigarettes instead of cigars, because if I'm
going to
have a, I like a little white thin cock, you know?
Are we back to cocks again?
I go away to Ohio, Middletown, the center of the universe, to take a nice clean
call, and
then I space out.
I'm thinking, I can't listen to Norm for a second.
I got to get a time cue here.
I come back and you're talking about having a thin white cock in your mouth.
I don't, no, I don't have a thin white cock in my cock, you mean?
No.
In my mouth?
No, no, you misunderstand.
What I'm saying is this.
I'm just saying this.
Well, don't make the mistake of thinking I fucking listen to you.
I just want to make it clear about that cock thing.
I was just saying, if I ever was gay, if they, like, suddenly made it mandatory
or something,
then I would choose the smallest cock, and I would like a guy that came fast.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I thought the subject was cocks.
No cocks is next week.
I'm sorry.
Does that answer your question?
Yes, it does.
Lauren McDonnell, ladies and gentlemen.
I was just thinking, you know, because they have that Viagra thing out.
Yeah.
And the other day, you know, Bob Dole came right out and said...
He was one of the first.
Yeah.
And, you know, you don't want to hear about Bob Dole's cock, you know?
I mean, President Clinton's cock, Bob Dole's cock, what the hell?
But mostly, an old man like that, an old man, you don't want him to have a
super hard
cock.
You know what I mean?
Why?
Why?
Because an old man, you want him to be, got a pipe going, a newspaper, the dog
at his feet
there?
Well, that, in some corners, is considered pipe.
Oh.
But now, they're going to have to create some goddamn pill that makes women arouse
at the
side of a fucking 70-year-old dude with a super hard cock.
You know what I'm saying?
It's crazy.
This is Viagra.
It's insane.
You know, it's for impotent people.
Yeah.
It's for impotent guys.
So, get this.
I read this.
The pill can make your cock hard for four hours.
Right.
So, now, who has the four-hour hard cock?
The impotent guys.
The rest of us are fucked.
Me and you.
Me and you got our regular cocks.
Meanwhile, the fucking spade is, you know, is...
Refer to spade.
Oh, man.
I didn't see it.
I didn't see it coming back.
Dude, I know you didn't.
He brought it all around and then a vicious rip kick into his best friend's
cock.
Once there's too much cock talk, I try to just zone out for a minute until it
goes back
the other way.
If there's too much cock talk, this guy has fevered nightmares all night.
Dreams, I mean.
Like, sweaty, fevered dreams from the cock talk that's been all over his head.
Cock, cock, cock.
Why bury me twice?
He's killing me.
No, he's a good man.
That erased it.
All right.
No, he's a good man.
Who cares?
After all that, that's the white-out he puts on.
I know, it's awesome.
After he talks about you doing shit-ups on cock for 18 minutes, he goes, no, he's
a
good guy.
If you're gay, he's a completely straight guy.
He gets a lot of ladies.
You know that about him with the ladies.
Don't say ladies.
Women, girls.
Okay, thank you.
Ladies, what are we, fucking on an FM station here?
He's John Cornelius.
But these gay guys, man, I was reading, you know about the...
These gay guys.
I haven't even said hi yet.
All right.
Tell me what it is with these gay guys.
I just read this thing about the Michael, George Michael.
You're reading a lot, aren't you?
Yeah, I read.
I got a little time off.
Now I read the newspaper.
And this really strikes me about the gay community.
I don't know if they're a community, but...
It's called West Hollywood.
Yeah, they're gay, and it's...
You know George Michael?
He hangs around the bathroom.
He has sex with multiple guys.
This is like...
No, no, no, no way.
You got to get it right.
Hangs around the bathroom.
Right.
And it was described as a lewd behavior, but I don't remember sex with numerous
guys.
Well, what is...
Is that what you took away from it?
What does he do?
Well, were you in the next stall?
I could have been just having a nice bathroom regular thing.
I don't know what lewd behavior is, but I don't know that he was in there with
numerous guys.
But anyway, we get the gist of that.
This is definitely a gay thing, like...
Because this is a pop superstar, you know what I mean?
You're not going to walk into a bathroom and all of a sudden Farrah Fawcett's
like...
You know?
You're not going to...
What?
I love it.
What I'm saying is why...
Why would a famous...
Wait, what was she doing?
What was that?
Some sort of cervical belt sander thing.
Or what was that?
Oh, Christ, what are you, Linda Blair?
They do.
That's what they do, right?
That's what they...
That's what ladies that I know do.
Good to know that primetime exposure is paying dividends there.
But I think that's what it is, is that the gay...
That's why they have separate bathrooms.
Let's face it.
If they had women and, you know, women, as you call them.
I call them ladies.
If you had them in the same bathroom...
Like you go in the bathroom to do your business, see a man about a dog there,
you know?
And you're in the bathroom.
You're in the bathroom.
All of a sudden, a beautiful lady comes out.
Oh, here's my vagina and breasts.
You're going to be hanging out at that bathroom a lot.
So I don't blame anybody for anything.
Can you believe Ohlmeyer didn't get him?
We're all the same, man.
Have you ever met Ohlmeyer since then?
Don Ohlmeyer I met once, yeah, after he fired me.
Yeah.
Then I went and visited him in his office, which was, it wasn't an office I've
never seen.
It was like a wet bar and a 