Name: Norm Macdonald on CONAN - Bob Dole, Gay Porn & Uncle Basil (Nov 1996) Full Interview
Uploaded: 2019-07-09T22:43:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on CONAN - Bob Dole, Gay Porn & Uncle Basil (Nov 1996) Full Interview' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on CONAN - Bob Dole, Gay Porn & Uncle Basil (Nov 1996) Full Interview' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-09. Transcript available.

All right, everybody, we're back.
Thanks for cooking along.
My first guest tonight is the anchor of Saturday Night Live's weekend update.
He also did his Dole impression with Bob Dole himself last weekend.
It was quite an event.
Please welcome our old chum, Norm MacDonald.
I've got to say, I like the way you just accept the love.
This is a great crowd.
You're doing well, huh?
I want to talk about the Bob Dole thing in just a second,
because that was quite an event, you with the Dole guy himself.
But first, as is traditional here, you always like to come here,
and you give us a couple of the topical jokes.
Yeah, well, what's going on, you know?
What's going on in the world?
I like to talk about that, you know?
Topical jokes.
Yeah, I read the paper, and I figure out what's going on.
And I've realized now, this is a new thing.
This is a big thing, is that the movie,
the big movie, you know what the big movie is this weekend?
It opened at $30 million.
Which one?
Space Jam.
You know about this movie?
Yeah, yeah.
Sure, it's Space Jam.
I thought everybody would know it.
You know, Space Jam is, yeah.
It opened at number one, $30 million,
and I saw the movie, you know, it's pretty good.
Michael Jackson's actually a very good actor, you know?
Yeah.
He's no Shaquille O'Neal, you know,
but he's a good, I don't know, this isn't going well.
Michael Jordan.
What did I say?
Michael Jackson.
Oh, that's why.
That's what happened there.
That's why.
Did I say Michael Jackson?
You said Michael Jackson.
Didn't he say Michael?
I said just...
I have 230 witnesses here.
No, that's good.
It doesn't happen much in life.
You can turn to 230 people.
Was I right?
Yes, you are!
No, I'll tell you why.
I didn't know what you were talking about.
Before the show, I was watching TV back in the dressing room,
and there was a sketch on it about a guy...
Michael Jackson, yeah.
Michael Jackson in a utero.
I'm sorry.
Well, so that one didn't quite go the way you wanted, but still.
No, but Michael Jordan is in this movie, right?
He is in the movie, yeah.
And he made 30 million for it,
and apparently he did the movie
because apparently there was some money in the world he didn't have, you know?
So he had to...
Did I say Michael Jordan?
He said Michael Jordan that time.
Yeah, you did good that time.
So anyway, I wanted to talk about that
because that's the number one movie.
And the number one book is The Rules.
You know about this book?
I've heard stuff about it.
Tell us about it.
It's The Rules.
It's how to capture a man's heart.
And it's for women,
and it says all these rules that you have to follow,
and you will capture a man's heart.
And the rule number one,
have huge breasts.
Yeah, that guy likes it.
Yeah.
Because apparently men love women with huge breasts.
They do.
They like that.
That's what they say.
Yeah.
Not this character over here, Andy.
Oh, me.
Oh.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
That's...
Any other topicals you want to zing out there before we move along?
It's not going very well.
Michael Jackson.
Yeah.
Did you mean to say Michael Jordan there,
or do you want to say Michael Jackson?
Michael Jackson.
He said, I heard a quote where he said,
he said,
I don't care if my child is a boy or a girl,
as long as it's a boy.
He's going to name it.
He said he doesn't know what he's going to name it.
He said he thinks if it's a girl,
he's going to name it Sharon.
Really?
Yeah.
And if it's a boy,
he's going to have sex with it.
That's what he said.
Oh, the camera's on me now.
Kind of thought it would linger over there,
and I could kind of look down
and get my wind back.
I was talking about it, too.
Well, what do you say?
What do you say we do a commercial right now?
Okay.
And I'm going to take a walk around a little bit,
and then we're going to come back,
and we'll talk,
because we've got real stuff to talk about here.
Yeah, we have actual stuff.
These are just jokes, you know?
These are all just jokes.
Yeah.
We're going to talk about some actual stuff after this.
Some actual stuff.
So stick around.
It's not your TV,
and we'll be right back
with more Norm MacDonald in just a second.
Hello, everybody.
We're back here at Norm MacDonald.
And, you know,
I mentioned in the previous segment
that you actually,
on Saturday Night Live this weekend,
you performed with...
Yeah, I got the honor
to perform with Senator Dole.
That was great.
Well, you did your impression.
It was like with him right there,
which must have been
a really strange experience.
Oh, yeah, it was cool.
Yeah.
It was great.
We have a clip of it,
just in case, you know,
for those that didn't see it.
Let's take a look at this clip
from Norm and Bob Dole
on Saturday Night Live.
There's no chance
of you running for president again?
No.
I don't think so.
Oh, really?
Because, you know,
it would be good for me.
Kind of help you keep you
on the front pages, you know?
Yeah, believe me, Norm,
running for president
doesn't always keep you
in the front pages
unless you, of course,
take a dive off the podium.
Yeah, that did get
a lot of coverage, didn't it?
Yeah, and thanks for noticing
here on Saturday Night Live.
I appreciate it.
I don't write a lot of this stuff.
The greatest defense of all.
I didn't write it.
Was it really,
was it fun working with him?
Was it exciting?
Oh, yeah,
because he's my hero.
He's been my hero
for a long time,
you know,
and, you know,
to meet your hero.
Do you have a hero?
Norman Fell
from Three's Company.
That's your hero?
Yeah.
Mr. Roper.
Yeah.
Mr. Roper?
Yeah.
That's not a good hero.
That's all I got.
Better than this guy's hero
is some gay porn actor.
Anyway.
What are you talking?
What?
I don't know.
I don't see.
What are you saying?
Let me tell you something
about gay porn.
Seriously.
It's fun.
I don't know.
Okay.
No, I'll tell you something
about gay porn.
Seriously.
Okay.
That doesn't mean
a guy's gay.
I'm not saying that
because a guy watches
gay porn all the time.
It's cut to a single.
Just of norm.
Really?
Gay porn.
I enjoy gay porn.
I'm not gay.
Gay porn is a genre
that just cuts across
all demographics.
You know?
Young people,
old people,
straight people,
the gay people enjoy it.
Everybody likes gay porn.
But this guy really likes it.
No, I...
I don't know.
I'm sorry.
I heard patriotic music
playing behind that speech.
No, that's not what I meant to say.
I meant to talk about Bob Dole.
This guy's my...
No, this guy's my hero.
ruined my reputation, you know?
Just in passing.
This guy is not gay.
If anybody's not gay,
it's this guy.
Oh, I'm so...
Seriously.
I am so totally straight.
Oh, yeah.
No, you are.
Oh, I love the ladies.
No, he does.
No, he likes girls.
He likes girls.
Does this happen every time
you try and talk about Bob Dole?
You start talking about gay porn.
I don't know what that was.
But listen,
Bob Dole,
I love this guy.
He's my hero.
He's always been my hero
for like the last 18 years
since I was very young.
And I always liked Bob Dole.
And so it was a very...
It was an honor to...
Now it sounds weird
because I was talking about gay porn.
I don't...
I'm questioning your ability
to continue here.
Yeah.
After the...
But go ahead.
You know what he did?
He gave me his purple heart.
He has two purple hearts, you know?
And so when we were doing it,
he put a purple heart on my lapel
because he had one on his lapel.
Oh, that's cool.
So it was very moving, you know?
That's cool.
To have Bob Dole.
Were you going to say
Michael Jackson again?
That's Bob.
Why do you have to
point everything out?
Nobody heard.
I heard you.
You heard me, right?
They're going to...
Like you're just having
a conversation
and they're all like
doing tax work or something?
Well,
they're sort of paying attention,
you know?
There's a third of the audience
that is doing other stuff,
but for us...
He gave me a purple heart.
You're going to try
and continue this joke?
All right.
It's not a joke.
It was a very moving thing.
It was one of the most
moving things
that ever happened to me.
I got a purple heart
and I was standing there
with Bob Dole beside me
and this purple heart
and, you know,
it was just a very moving thing
because, you know,
I don't know.
You don't have...
You know?
That's cool.
I would think
that would be a moving thing.
Yeah, it was very moving
because you think
of how he got the purple heart,
you know?
Mm-hmm.
And, you know,
he took a...
He's being serious now.
He's not being serious.
It was a very moving thing.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
Well, that's cool.
All right.
I'm not very good
with the stories
about the moving things.
I liked it fine.
Yeah, it was moving.
All right.
Yeah, sure.
Now, we're just about
out of time here,
but...
We are?
Yeah.
Believe it or not.
I had funny stuff.
I didn't get to it.
Oh.
That's the story of my life.
All right.
Wait.
Are you going to have
Thanksgiving, though?
Thanksgiving's coming up.
Oh, yeah.
Thanksgiving.
We're going to have
a lot of time.
We're going to go see my uncle.
I saw my uncle the other day.
Oh, my uncle.
He's having troubles, Conny.
Why?
Why is he having trouble?
You know my uncle, Basil?
I don't know him, but...
No, but I've talked to him
before.
Yeah, you've mentioned him.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He's having troubles.
His memory's not too good.
You know?
And it's not, thank God,
it's not Alzheimer's
or anything like that.
But when a guy gets old,
he starts forgetting.
His memory starts.
He doesn't, you know, remember.
Right.
So I went to him, you know.
I went and talked to him, you know.
And I said to him,
because I heard he got
this new medicine
for his memory
at the doctors.
Yeah.
So I said to him,
I said,
Uncle Basil,
I said,
how's that memory stuff
working out of the medicine?
He says,
it's going good.
I said,
what's it called,
that medicine memory?
Memory medicine.
Memory medicine, yeah.
I said,
what's it called?
What's the name of it?
He goes,
oh, the name of it.
What is it now?
Again,
I can't remember now.
He says,
what's the name of that flower
you give to people?
And I said,
I don't know.
What, a tulip?
And he said,
no, no, no, no,
not a tulip.
He said,
what is it now?
It's a kind of a flower
people wear.
I said,
is it a carnation?
I don't know,
Uncle Basil.
He says,
no, no,
what the hell
is it called?
It's red.
I said,
I don't know,
a rose?
He said,
yes, yes, yes.
He says,
rose,
what's the name
of that medicine hat
that the doctor did me?
You rock scallions.
All right,
let me mention this.
Starting out live
this weekend
with Phil Hartman.
Great buddy guy
and musical guest Bush.
They'll be on.
Norm,
come back
because there's so much stuff
we didn't talk about.
It'll be better
next time.
That's a nice ad
for tonight's show.
All right,
Norm MacDonald,
thank you very much.
Robert Schimmel,
James Dooner,
We're coming up, we'll be right back.