Name: Norm Macdonald and Sam Simon on Tom Green Live (2007)
Uploaded: 2019-07-28T03:50:47.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald and Sam Simon on Tom Green Live (2007)' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald and Sam Simon on Tom Green Live (2007)' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-28. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald and Sam Simon on Tom Green Live (2007)

The End of the Day
Pass it over here
How about you, Jefferson? You're keeping quiet
I'm more of a writer, you know
Oh, thank you
I have a teddy bear
Declare this
You know, that cherry tree thing
Come on
Really?
Fable
All fable
I knew it
All fable
That looks awesome
That makes it look way better
Is that fucking
Oh, yeah, yeah
With the TV
Was that not here the last time you were here?
The TV was
Nah, that's way better
The time is 8.47, ladies and gentlemen
This is exciting
We're going on late tonight
Yeah, I know
We want to take our time getting on the air
Norm MacDonald is here
Yeah, this rocks
We have, you know
Why are we going on late tonight?
You broke the toilet, that's why
I was in there with my hands in the toilet a minute ago
No, that's not why
I don't know
That's the worst opening question any host has ever asked in broadcasting
The guy who has Jack Barr tapes in the back
He's like, you broke the toilet, I understand
A little bird told me
That's not good
You're right, you're right
You're a young broadcaster
Yeah
You have big ambitions now
Yeah
Do you think that's ever been asked by a host?
No, no
It wasn't really a question
It was more of a
You're right
No, but most hosts would
You know, Carson would keep that quiet
No, it wouldn't have been
If Red Skeleton had broken the toilet
But they also
Carson didn't go on 45 minutes late either
No, that's true
But, no, it wasn't a broken toilet
I'm just joking
Our audio actually broke here at the channel
A light bulb
The video toaster system broke
Now, when you say video toaster
Are you saying that's a joke
Because that was back in the 80s?
No, it's really what it's called
It's called the video toaster system
Oh, because, you know
There was a video toaster back, I remember, in the 80s
When computers were starting
So I thought you were joking
So we've been rebooting for the last 45 minutes
So I apologize for that
Oh, no, cheers, man
Bud Light, it's great
You got a sponsor?
Yeah, absolutely
We did not have a sponsor last time
We did not have the TV on the wall
I got a sponsor
I got a Coca-Cola
Really?
Yeah, they sponsor me as a guest
Like when I go on
Because I go on talk shows sometimes
Like this
Right, right, right
So I said, hey, man
How'd you like to
How'd you like to get your Coke on the TV more?
For this appearance?
Or any appearance on The Tonight Show
Or Letterman
How'd you like if I was swigging some Coca-Cola
For the entire interview?
Oh, really?
And they said they would pay me
I get $3,000 every year
Oh, really?
For drinking the Coke?
Well, yeah
I don't know
I hope we can do that here
With the Bud thing
I'll drink some Bud too, man
I was thinking maybe we could put that in a mug or something
Put the Coke in the mug
I know
That was horrible
I think there's
This is what happened before the fucking show
Yeah
Sam
I'm talking to him
Sam
What's the matter?
I'm talking to Tom
So I go, hey
I think this sounds like retarded
Like if I have a Coke
And pretend that's my sponsor
We didn't discuss
He goes
He goes, no
It'll be hilarious
He goes, it'll be like Bob and Ray
Yeah
I'm like, no
I don't
I did not say it would be like Bob and Ray
You brought up Bob and Ray
One of us did
Yeah, you said you were watching Bob and Ray on YouTube
And I'm like, it has no comic premise
How can this one possibly work?
You were the one that wanted to do the Coke idea
I know
Now you're trying to make it seem like it's my fault
Yeah
Tell me about the poker
Tell me about the poker thing
You just won the poker
Or almost
The World Series of Poker, right?
Talk about that
You almost won the poker
You almost won the poker
Let's talk about something
You're right
I mean, you don't open with a toilet question
Even if it is true
No, I didn't almost win the poker
You know, no
I was in a field of 800
I came in 20th
So
Okay
Sort of almost
World Series of Poker
Yeah
And who wants to be a millionaire too
So you win all these things
Yeah, no, I don't win
I came in 20th
Or something like that
Okay, let's
Sam did better than me
Did we have this last time you were here?
What?
Did we have this last time you were here?
You know what's interesting?
I don't want to ask you questions about
Things like we talked about last time
Like, oh, we're from the same town
Where you grew up just down the street from me
And then we talk about the same thing again
So it's kind of
Yeah
It's kind of
You know
We're doing
Kind of fun to just talk about the Coca-Cola thing
No, no
And the toilet
No, that didn't work out
You know, I'm not going to apologize for it
Okay, here we got a guy here
Let's take some calls here
We got a question here
Yeah
On Skype
Let's just take some Skype calls
And Skype it up
These people are going to have
Look at this
We have Thrustmaster 3K
How are you doing, Thrustmaster?
Why does he have to have a dirty name?
Doing pretty good, guys
Let's go
We've got great audio
Why does he have to have a dirty name?
Just because he's on the computer
You know
Yeah, you don't have to
You can
We're better than that, right?
This is exciting, though
You're the first caller
Carry on with Norm
Go ahead and ask Norm a question
Thrustmaster
I was just wondering if he enjoyed writing more than acting
Or vice versa
Well, he wants to know
Come on
Come up with something better than that
A better question
Yeah
Well, you know
Because that's the kind of question that
You know, when people
Who gives a fuck
Which is not the right answer
Did you really break the toilet, man?
No
No, no
I have a default
A faulty toilet here
Yeah, this toilet
All they did was piss
You know
No, no
There's a faulty toilet here
I got here
I had to piss like
Not to be indelicate
I had to piss like a wolf
So I went to the toilet
And obviously
When he says breaking the toilet
It makes it sound like
Feces was involved
But, you know
No, no
There was no
The toilet was already broken
Yeah
There's a chain that's disengaged
Can we get a camera in there?
Logan?
We probably can
There's a chain that's disengaged in it
Okay
And so
I guess writing
Hey, thank you for your call
Okay, now see
Now that
That's funny, right?
That's funny stuff
I can't believe you saw this
Yeah, that was more
Bob and Ray
Than our fucking coke thing
Yeah
Well, you know
I think we're arcing
We're ramping up here
You know
It's a little off
You know
The audio didn't work
But here's John
And once again
The media
Is becoming part of the story
Yes
We have media
You know
Let's not
We gotta talk about
The goddamn gorilla
In the room
You know
The 400 pound gorilla
In the room
Okay
I mean
It's not literally
Joe is a great guy
We had breakfast yesterday
From the New York Times
Is here tonight
The New York Times
Is here tonight
On the one night
That my audio thing breaks
Yes
And so
So it's a little bit stressful
And then the toilet broke
Right before the show
And when the toilet breaks
It makes the sound
The whole show
Heesh
Like the
Refilling constantly
Acting's good too
But if I had to make the choice
Yeah
Yeah, no
The New York Times
Is here
So it's a little stressful
Yeah, so it's a little stressful
I actually get a little discombobulated
And once again
It's a big show for me
He becomes part of the story
He insinuates himself
Into the story so deeply
He makes goddamn
Hunter S. Thompson
Look like George Will
No, he's sitting there
What are you
What?
No, he's a good guy
Yeah, oh yeah, yeah
He's not inserting himself
Into the stories
Yeah, as all the good
New journalists do
Hey
Capote, you know what I mean?
It's a good thing to do
Yeah
He'll be sitting here
Yeah, no, it's cool
We've been having fun
Hanging out
And I've been showing
Joe the whole channel
Who was the guy
In Paper Lion
That Alan Alda played?
No, I don't know
Remember he was the journalist
And then he'd go box
I didn't see Paper Lion
And then he became
A lion
A Detroit lion
Okay
What was his name?
George Plimpton
George Plimpton
Uh-huh
George Plimpton over here
Okay, yeah
Go ahead
So yeah
So that's
I'm actually glad
You brought it up
Because I actually
I'll tell you
I've been thinking
About it all day
Do I mention
The New York Times
Is here tonight?
Because
This is obviously
Something that's
Heavily on my mind
And I thought
Well, you know
That kind of
That would change
The guy's scribbling shit
Like this shit
That we're saying right now
He's writing down?
Yeah, absolutely
That's going to make
You look really bad
When you called me out
On the bad opening
With the toilet thing
That's all going down
And then I started thinking
Oh, God
I got some good quotes
For you and shit, though
Really?
Like what?
Well, I'm working on them
Because I did this
One time they did a thing
On me and Rolling Stone, right?
And I was like
Hey, man
What kind of quotes you got?
To the guy
He goes
I don't have any yet
So I'm like, what?
Because I never had
An article written about me
Right, right
And I said
Well, in all these ones
That I read
Like the quotes
Are really great
About the person
No matter who it is
You know?
The guys have
Thought out their quotes
And they're like
He's like post-modern
And they have words
And everything
Huge words
To describe the guy, right?
Right, right
So I'm like
What do they got for me?
What do you got for me so far?
He's like nothing
So I'm like
How long have you been talking
For a while?
He goes, what do you have to say?
I go
I can't say something about myself
You know?
I have to get a guy
To really compliment me
Does that make you nervous
When you have a reporter
Following you around?
Do you get nervous
By the stuff
That you're going to say something?
No, obviously you don't
Can you pass me that
IMDB page?
I want to read you something
This is pretty funny
No, I do
Because I'll tell you
A funny story
Pass me that piece of paper
On the IMDB
What is it?
That's where
All your things
That you haven't really done?
The first paragraph
On IMDB
For you says
You are known
For using the word
Crack whore
Quite frequently
Which is kind of funny
It's in the first paragraph
That's in the first paragraph?
So if I die
That's what it will say?
Yeah, it's crack whore
Yeah
Let's take some calls
Hey, you're on the air
You're on the air
On the phone
Hi, Tom
Hi, how are you?
You're on with
Norm MacDonald right now
Oh, hey, Tom
I'm just
I'm calling from Michigan
Okay
Outside of my house
So I'm just going to
All right
I've got to apologize
But I'm just wondering
Is this phone call free?
This is not a free call, no
Okay
You are paying
Long distance charges right now
Other than that
It's free
Well, I'm a huge fan
Of you and of Norm
So that doesn't even
Bother me at all
Cool
Well, you're sitting
Yeah, good
You'll make a long distance call
To the show
Well, you're sitting
Right by Norm
Why don't you go ahead
And ask Norm a question
What are you doing nowadays, Norm?
What's going on?
What's happening?
Nothing
Nothing much?
Nah
We're trying to
We're trying to get
Some new questions going
You're on the air here
Hey, Norm
Hey, man
You got anything
Any questions
That people aren't used to hearing?
Hey, Norm
How you doing?
I'm all right
You ask a good question?
No
He's just making small talk
Yeah
I have been having
Sort of an ongoing issue
With the callers
You have?
Yeah, I've noticed that
Really?
You've watched the channel
Right?
Yeah, I like the Susie the goat thing
Where you fell in love with Susie
Sam would love that
Hello?
He loves animals
Oh, he's still on
Hey, no, it's a new guy
How are you?
Do you have a good question?
People call us up here
And ask a question
That Norm has never heard before
This is what we're looking for
New questions
It's too far in the other direction
Oh, yeah
This is your life now?
You paid for it?
Well, you know
It's kind of like a break-even situation
Yeah, yeah
John?
For some reason
The Skypes, I guess
Because they can be seen
Yeah
Are civilized, decent human beings
And these are animals
That's right
That's why we've been doing Skype
John, what's going on?
How are you?
Is he drinking Bud Light?
Are you?
Oh, he's drinking Bacardi
Yeah, your audio's
Kind of screwed up
You should get all your people
T