Name: Norm Macdonald - Radio Interview KDKB ROCKS Arizona (2010) w/ video
Uploaded: 2019-08-05T11:27:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald - Radio Interview KDKB ROCKS Arizona (2010) w/ video' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald - Radio Interview KDKB ROCKS Arizona (2010) w/ video' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-05. Transcript available.

For the show at the Tempe Improv with Norm MacDonald!
Alright, Norm MacDonald!
How are you doing?
What's going on, baby?
Hey, we're just doing a little radio show here.
Yeah, let's do radio and talk about the local news.
Do you want to do that?
Yeah, I see tigers in the news.
I'm just looking at the TV.
Is he real local?
No, what's local? You tell me the local news.
I'll tell you the local news.
A guy from Tempe, from ASU,
won Big Brother 12.
They called him the animal.
Did you watch the Big Brother at all or no?
Big Brother?
The first nine seasons were excellent.
Then I felt it slipped.
I feel it slipping.
What happened?
The year Barry won.
You know the guy's name?
Yeah, you don't remember Barry.
No, I don't.
I don't even remember who won the Super Bowl
four years ago.
I see these reality shows and they go,
"Next, tonight, watch what happens
when Harry tries to get across the rope.
I'd rather watch a real sport
where I know the rules."
Then they go,
"The guy was a good player.
You got to give that to him."
Like there was a game.
He goes, "He was good because he'd lie
behind other people's back."
And then they'd figure he...
Turned out he didn't like him in the first place.
They found that.
I'll come voting dead.
I have Lou Diamond Phillips here for you today, by the way.
Or the kid from Independence Day.
Lou Diamond Phillips.
Yeah, hippie down.
Lou Diamond Phillips lost a lady to another lady.
Remember that?
That's right.
He did.
His wife left him for a woman.
His wife left him for a woman.
Probably better than leaving you for a guy
because they left you for a guy.
You know what I mean?
They're measuring you up.
What do they have that you don't?
You can't say that about a lady.
Right.
What does she have that I don't?
Oh, I guess everything.
Everything that's good that you like.
Okay, well I understand.
Have you ever had a threesome?
No.
All those years on SNL and everything.
I've had a twosome.
Yeah.
Me and another lady and then I talk her into letting me lie down on top of her.
She agrees.
That's a good name.
Anyways.
I've had a lot of onesomes.
That's what I'm having.
I know.
I just moved her out.
I just whoopee watch.
Counting everybody.
Even if I hadn't made a relationship, my onesomes are more than my twosomes.
My threesomes never happened.
Anything more than that is life.
If you have five or six people, you spend most of your life not trying to have
five or
six people around you, let alone make your bedroom.
Whatever.
We're just peaked inside the brain of Norm MacDonald.
No, this is what it's like.
I don't want a whole bunch of people.
I figure if I was with five women, it would just be like being with one super
heavy lady.
I wouldn't care for it too much.
All right, Norm MacDonald, the Tempe Impro...
A guy was buried at sea.
I don't know where you want to be buried.
A guy was buried at sea?
Right.
But he floated.
And he wouldn't sink.
And he didn't know what to do.
And the body just kind of floated away.
And that happened.
It's a great story.
It's a great story.
On a slow news day.
Well, burying at sea, the problem is...
Slow news day.
The problem with burying at sea is the ocean, when you try to shovel it, never
seems to get
a hole going.
It's very hard to get a hole going.
That's my ship burying at sea joke.
It was funny.
But I always have it in my back pocket in case.
I thought about being buried at sea because I thought it would be a cool way.
Because people go like, oh, how could you be, you know, whatever, burned or
something,
or whatever they decide to kill you.
But, you know, it's much more weird to go, how could you bury you under the
ground?
And then some crazy stuff happens and you're a monster, you know?
You turn into a skeleton monster, you know?
So, I was thinking of burial at sea because they throw you over and a whole
bunch of sharks
all attack you and eat you.
Uh-huh.
But you don't care because you're dead.
Right.
Well, they gotta eat too, right?
But it's super dramatic, you know, it looks dramatic.
If you film it and stuff, you go, this is the last shot out of Dad.
He was fighting sharks.
He was dead.
That would look much better than just a guy.
They tell you it was sharks if you punch them in the nose.
That's a good thing.
Yeah, there was a guy that wrestled the shark in Florida.
Yeah.
The surfer.
He wrestled him?
Yeah.
Well, I guess that's what I'd do too.
Would you give him up?
Yeah.
You don't just immediately give up.
You probably wrestled him unsuccessfully.
Until you got them in a headlock.
I realized their razor sharp teeth is what you were headlocking.
It's the other face.
Here's the thing they tell you when these, like I'll say, if you're in a, if a
bear comes
at you, you know, pretend, don't be scared.
You don't just pretend to be dead, lie down.
Like it's ever easy pretending to be dead anyway, you know.
But if a, if a bear is sniffing you, a hungry bear, you're supposed to, you're
supposed to
be such a method actor that you can pretend to be sleeping or dead, relaxed.
So of course you'd be shivering and shaking and defecating.
You better sense that.
There's always, it's always on the brighter side, you'll never see a bear ever.
That's always the good ending to the story.
With a shark.
I think that's not true though.
Every time you always hear a bear like running in the city and like attacking
people.
So what if that happens?
You never hear that story.
No, listen, every city has its bear problems.
All right.
What are we going to do about this bear problem?
Enough is enough.
I heard you outside saying something about you had to be hypnotist, hypnotized
to quit smoking.
You still smoke?
No, I said that I didn't get hypnotized because a guy told me you go, I got
hypnotized and
it worked and I said I would rather have free will.
I would rather, I'd rather not go, I, I'm very susceptible.
That's the good thing.
That's what I found out about myself.
A guy can just tell me and I want to smoke but I don't because the other guy
told me.
Then I would be terrified to go through life.
So I don't like being, I wouldn't want to be hypnotized.
I don't think it's real.
I'd rather make my own decisions.
Yeah, I don't think it's real either.
I don't think it's real either.
I don't know.
I think that when I was young I saw Ravine the Impossiblist, who made people,
one person
think he was a chicken, another person think he spoke Martian.
Anyway, so I saw the guy afterwards and he was the chicken.
I remember because I was in the audience, my brother, I was 14, he was running
around.
He was pecking.
He was pecking a lot and acting like a chicken.
So I saw him after the show, you remember in the parking lot and I said, "Hey,
that's
a guy from my brother."
So I said to the guy, "What did it feel like being a chicken, like the guy
hypnotizing
of being a chicken?"
And he goes, "It was cool!"
And then I'm thinking about it, I was like, if it was real, you go, "Hey, how's
that,
man?
When you thought you were a chicken?"
He goes, "I don't know, I thought it was a chicken.
I gotta go home, think about this."
And then he would go into therapy, obviously.
Because he'd had a psychotic break from the world for 10 minutes when he was
convinced
he was a chicken.
He'd start thinking about everything differently immediately.
He wouldn't go, "That was cool!"
Oh, yeah.
Norm MacDonald!
Thank you, Norm, for stopping by the Tempe Improv.
That was fun, man.