Name: Norm Macdonald calls in The Dennis Miller Show Compilation (2007-2011) Classic Norm bits
Uploaded: 2019-08-16T01:59:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald calls in The Dennis Miller Show Compilation (2007-2011) Classic Norm bits' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald calls in The Dennis Miller Show Compilation (2007-2011) Classic Norm bits' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-16. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald calls in The Dennis Miller Show Compilation (2007-2011) Classic Norm bits

All right, is Norm back? No, he went to the bathroom.
We finally get hold of Norm.
Maybe he's in Minneapolis.
You mean with the Anglo-Nicholas brother, Larry Craig.
Just saying.
All right, well, let's go to our expert on the subject.
This is Norm MacDonald.
What?
I kid, I kid.
I know you're the world's most active hetero.
I'm not.
I'm very, as a matter of fact, I'm very asexual.
Why is that?
What drove you to that?
Is it fear of germs or what?
Just people.
Even like having a meal with them aren't enough, you know, let alone all that
filthy stuff that goes on afterwards.
So you're literally talking about watching a grilled cheese go into the oral orifice
repulses you.
You can't even.
I know about that Larry Craig guy.
There's nothing to understand about that.
I mean, what do you need a psychiatrist for?
You know it and I know it.
I mean, if there was co-ed bathrooms, we're heterosexual, if there were co-ed
bathrooms, and this kind of stuff was going on, man, I'd be there all the time.
Let's not kid ourselves.
All right, I'm not kidding myself, Norm.
You've nailed me.
Where are you at today, brother?
Where are you calling me from?
I'm calling you.
I just woke up.
Christian just woke me up.
Ah, Jesus.
Why did you do that, Christian?
You know Norm needs a C.
Christian has become the bane of my precious last few moments of life.
What don't we know, my friend?
Have you got the Epstein bar or what?
I just mean in the sense that we all only have a precious few moments of life
left.
I'm talking to the broader.
But listen, you know what I think about that Senator Craig thing now, is that
what I want to know is those codes, man.
Because you know there's these things that happen in life that I think I'm kind
of cynical, you know.
Yes.
And then they happen and I go, man, I didn't know that existed in life, you
know.
And one was the pit bull thing.
Sure.
Who would have thought that people were that monstrous?
I agree with you.
Right, but when I talk to people, they go, yeah, that happens.
Like I knew about that, you know.
And I go, you did?
Like I never knew that.
But not that I compare the two.
But I had no idea there was this bathroom thing going on that was so, you know.
It wasn't just a small thing because they had a sting operation.
They had a code, you know, in the Minneapolis airport.
The bathroom was apparently famous.
It's the Tagris and Euphrates of the code tapping.
Exactly.
So for you or me, we would just be a, hopefully, I can't speak for you, but for
me, it would just be a place we'd quickly run in, you know.
These guys, they go, you know, they're going, have you been to the Minneapolis
airport bathroom?
This place is the hottest joint in town.
Talk about your mind-blowing sex.
There's like a velvet rope, like outside Studio 54.
That would be great.
There's an old black gentleman allowing you in.
Are you on the list?
Exactly.
You know, my feeling, Norm, is they ought to put in, like Grauman's Chinese
Theater, put how wide Craig's footprints were in soft cement in there so people
can come in for photo ops and see how.
That's perfect.
I think they should put a list of what the code is because I don't know code,
you know, and I don't want to do the code by mistake because a lot of times I'll
be listening to my iPod.
Well, you know, the thing about the code is if you don't know it and you miss...
What if I was tapping my toes to listen to my Joe Shaver CD and my toe tapped
against an old dude's police officer and then he knocked on a thing and I took
off my boat and I go, what?
He goes, what time is it?
I go, seven o'clock.
I look at my watch.
He goes, are you sure?
I go, absolutely.
Next thing, he's clambering under or something.
I go, no, no.
Misreading the whole thing.
You need to code at all, couldn't you?
Like, if I was doing it, I would just stand in the center of the bathroom thing
and just, you know, peer at guys.
I know you give off the wrong vibe.
All of a sudden, you've got Sam Drucker.
You know when you go to get your car re-lubed and they lay on that thing that
has wheels on it?
You look down, you've got Sam Drucker coming under the stall in the years.
Or if you misdo the code, the Carpathia shows up in an effort to pull people
out of the lifeboats.
The anonymous thing to me has always been, because I find it, like, it would
take me probably a year before I was comfortable enough with a person, you know.
Right.
Show them my back of my hair, my hair on my back.
But the anonymous part, like, here's a guy who's never met a guy ever, you know,
in his whole life.
And he's in an airport, and he's like, come on in, sir, we don't have much time.
You know, I hope you like the place.
I was just defecating in it.
I thought you didn't want to do that.
Anyways, I got an 840 to Chicago.
I don't have much time.
Just robe and get to this filthy thing.
I'm going to grab a slice of Sbarro.
All right, Norman, I got to rock, baby.
I'm up against a hard break, as was Larry Craig.
This is the Dennis Miller Show.
All right, folks, we are about to be joined by a comedy genius, legitimate,
four stars, my highest approval rating,
if I am to be the David Horowitz of comedy and give the ratings.
I've always thought he was a genius.
I met him when he was younger, but I remember the true moment where I thought
this guy is an absolutely genius.
He used to do a parody of Letterman, which was so side-splittingly insightful
and funny on Saturday Night Live.
And my favorite moment was he had somehow gleaned that Letterman was so ill at
ease with being Letterman
that immediately, he might not do it now, but way back when, the moment, the
millisecond the show was over,
Letterman would take his jacket off and almost fling it and flee the stage.
And that was Norm's payoff on the bit.
And I remember seeing it and thinking, that is one of the most brilliant comedy
moments that I had seen in a long time.
Norm!
I found out you and I like the same guy.
Why is that?
It's like two girls talking.
So we're the same guy because we're like two girls talking.
You know, they would say you and I like the same guy.
Exactly.
It's Dennis, it's Brian, Brian Regan, I mean.
Oh, yeah, Jesus.
Isn't that guy amazing?
I've been talking about him forever and like, all these other bad guys get TV
shows.
Right.
And he's the funniest guy ever and he's on the road.
But now he's like, he's doing big arenas and stuff.
Yeah, something's going to happen there, Norm.
Because it's like Tim Allen.
Remember Tim used to fill the arenas, then the next thing you know he got his
payoff.
That's going to happen with Regan.
Does anybody make you laugh hard?
I mean, I'm in danger when I watch him.
I know, it's crazy.
Like, he's the kind of guy you want to bring people to, you know.
Well, you know, Norm, you have that in you.
It's impossible to be so funny and not dirty, so.
Well, you have that in you.
You were the most booked guest I had on my nine-year run on HBO because you
used to just kill me, man.
You have that ability to waste me, so.
Oh, my God.
Well, you remember you were on the last show, actually.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember.
The swearing man of the future.
Oh, that show was funny, man.
That Dennis Miller show.
Remember that show?
You remember, of course.
Just a young kid with a dream.
I was there for most of them.
You had the coolest jobs ever, like a half hour a week.
I know.
Where you just got to be yourself and talk.
I know.
They got on to me eventually.
Now I'm doing three hours.
Football, all of a sudden, like, some crazy dream happened.
Oh, my God.
Meanwhile, I'm on the Norm show.
A fever dream.
Meanwhile, I'm over on a minute with Stan Hopper.
You know what show I would like to see you host, Norm?
And this is the God's truth.
I would like to see you host Catch a Predator.
I see that as being a good medium for you.
What's your thoughts on the Catch a Predator show?
Oh, no, you just brought it up because I was telling that guy earlier, I was
thinking of that show to Catch a Predator.
Well, thank you for unfolding my conceit here.
I was trying to get you into the area you wanted to talk to.
I'm sorry.
I was like a crazy coincidence because I just talked to that Christian dude
about that.
Jesus, Norm.
How could you diffuse this anymore?
Okay, I'm sorry.
It was a setup.
I was putting the ball on the tee.
I'm Cheech Marin.
You're nice.
I'm nice.
Now, go ahead.
Knock it off.
You're like Ed McMahon.
Yeah, exactly.
Until you exposed me.
Remember when Ed would go, this is the funniest thing, is when Johnny would
have all the periodicals, you know?
Right.
They'd show all the periodicals.
Unbelievable that there could be so many.
You know, they have one on hunting and one on fishing, and Ed McMahon would go,
I'm glad you brought those, because you brought every magazine that there could
be on this subject.
Every magazine on the subject of hunting is here in this pile.
There's not a magazine that isn't.
And then Carson would come in with some sort of macro-joinder and take it back.
Yeah, yeah, he would use the hunting thing.
He'd go, you were wrong.
Yes, you were wrong, Elmer Fudd.
Elmer Fudd breath.
I thought it'd be funny if it was a 911 tape.
Remember when Carson had a heart attack?
Right.
This seemed funnier to me when he was still alive, you know?
But he had that heart attack if there was like a 911 tape, because they have
them on everywhere now, you know?
Yes.
And it was Johnny Carson with a phoning, and he was like, how do you feel, sir?
And he's like, I feel like I have a yak on my chest.
You are correct, sir.
Tell me about that.
I think it was funny about Dana and Johnny doing those guys, because that was
before I was in show business.
I just watched you guys on TV do it.
Right.
When they did the Carson, I loved that they did them different than they really
are, you know what I mean?
Like that they'd play Ed McMahon, like a very in-control guy, you know, that
talked back to Carson, you know what I mean?
And mocked him.
Right.
That was really funny.
Phil, well, that was Phil's instinct to do that.
Yeah.
You know, who was funnier than Phil?
Now, so you don't want to talk about the Predator thing.
Oh, yeah, man.
To catch a Predator?
No, I was just...
They told me they said Norm wants to talk about Predator, and all of a sudden I'm
at a Carson Wake here.
Are you sad about Johnny's loss?
That's misrepresenting it, too, because then people will think, you know, Norm's
funny and going, hey, can I talk at all about the Predator thing?
Yeah, you're right.
You're right.
It wasn't on your mind.
I kind of put it there.
Do you have any ad-lib thoughts on it?
It's not going to be funny now.
All right.
You know what I've done to you?
It's like Jerry Lewis with Charlie Callis with the Duck Hunter.
Yeah, exactly.
I have to come...
All right.
Then let me throw you a curve and see what else you...
What about O.J. or Mike Vick?
You got anything on either of them?
Okay, now this is a complete coincidence.
This is the most insane coincidence of all.
These are two big topics in the news.
I thought I'd just throw them out there and see if you had any observations.
No, I'm just kidding.
Want to know what I was?
Michael Vick was...
No, I was just saying that, you know, obviously I'm against...
I do stand-up, you know, stand-up comedy.
Sure, you do.
And by the way, I'll be at...
Can I plug something?
You can use the rest of the segment for plugs.
Because I'm not doing any stand-up.
But anyway, but when I go to the club, I went to the club and I thought of the
idea about
that Michael Vick, first of all, you know, you love football, obviously, right?
Yeah, sure.
Well, you know, sure.
I go way back with football and the cockfighting, you know?
Exactly.
So you'll say that, you know, and Michael Vick was the most exciting player in
football.
He could change a team by himself.
Yes.
Well, that's a solid observation.
That's what's so sad, you know what I mean?
Mm-hmm.
The dogfighting's sad, too.
But if it was just some guy, you know, that was played in 