Name: Norm Macdonald on CONAN - Lent & Uncle Phil (Feb 1997) Full Interview Hilarious Jokes
Uploaded: 2019-08-21T15:02:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on CONAN - Lent & Uncle Phil (Feb 1997) Full Interview Hilarious Jokes' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on CONAN - Lent & Uncle Phil (Feb 1997) Full Interview Hilarious Jokes' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-21. Transcript available.

Hey everybody, we're back.
Ladies and gentlemen, you can see my first guest in The People vs. Larry Flint.
He also anchors the weekend update each week on Saturday Night Live.
Please welcome our buddy and our pal, Norm MacDonald.
Norm, very nice to see you.
Oh, it's great to be here, man.
How are you?
I'm good, I'm all right, I'm all right.
Yeah?
You're enjoying life?
Yeah.
You like doing that, you call it the fake news.
You like doing that.
I like doing that because I always can keep up with the news, you know?
And also, before I start with my jokes, I just want to say, like, I said a
thing on last
show about Andy enjoying gay porn.
Right, yeah.
Yeah, I remember you saying that.
And I thought later that was just a stupid thing to do.
Well, I guess it was all forgotten until you just brought it up.
So, he doesn't like gay porn, you know?
He doesn't like gay porn.
So, anyway.
I can't stand gay porn.
Oh, gay porn, no thanks.
So, if you're getting me a birthday present, no gay porn.
I'm glad, you know, that's great because it really cleared the air.
Okay, so, I wanted to talk about, but the news, you know, that's going on
nowadays.
Yeah, the news, the news.
Yeah.
All kinds of things going on.
There's the Dick Morris is getting a new show.
Did you hear about that?
Dick Morris, the presidential advisor in the scandal, yeah.
Didn't you hear that now he's getting a show?
He's like, can you believe the guy is actually getting a show on the TV?
That's amazing.
Yeah.
And it's a morning show.
It's called Good Morning Whores.
I'd watch that.
I'd watch that in a second.
And what else?
The Mad Chopper.
Have you heard about that guy?
Oh, everyone's heard about the Mad Chopper.
He's the Mad Chopper.
They let him out, and then, of course, what's he going to do?
He's the Mad Chopper.
He starts chopping people up, you know what I mean?
Uh-huh, yeah.
So, they should never let a guy out with that nickname.
You know?
Uh-huh.
He doesn't have that nickname, and then they're always in the paper.
They try to make a story like there's two sides to it, you know,
because they interview different people, and one guy goes,
Oh, you know, he was a nice guy.
He gave me a birthday cake once, and one time he helped me, you know,
fix my, you know, stereo.
You know?
And then they interview another guy, and he goes,
Yeah, that guy chopped me up, you know?
So, they go, there were two sides to the Mad Chopper.
You know?
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
It's crazy.
And then there's this other story about the Incubus.
You know about this?
It's a sneaker or something?
It's a woman's shoe.
It's a shoe for women, and it's called the Incubus.
And then it turns out that the Incubus is this guy from way back in the old
days.
He's a medieval demon that, like, has, what do you call it, like, unconsensual
sex with women in their sleep.
Really?
And he was like, he was a mythological character.
Yeah, he didn't really exist, but still, he was a bad, bad demon.
Uh-huh.
And then they go and name the shoe that, you know?
Uh-huh.
That's, for that, you shouldn't name a shoe that.
Uh-huh.
No, that's bad.
That's crazy.
Uh-huh.
So, that's your take on it, that they shouldn't name a shoe.
I got you.
I don't know.
You're right.
It worked fine.
What about, I understand you, Lent, you take Lent pretty seriously, the
Catholic holiday of Lent.
Is that the case?
Well, you have to give up stuff on Lent.
So, every year on Lent, I give up stuff.
And I made up a list, you know?
Oh, really?
Of stuff that I gave up.
Uh-huh.
So, I have it here in my pocket.
Can I read it?
I would love to hear what Norm gave up for Lent.
Yeah.
Why not?
I don't have it in my pocket.
You don't have it?
Oh, here it is.
It's in this pocket.
Okay.
Yes, this is a list of things that I gave up for Lent.
Okay, you ready?
I gave up power lifting.
All right.
Ouch.
Yeah, I didn't want to do that anymore.
And then I gave up lifting of any kind.
Okay.
That's good.
And then I gave up dressing up like an incubus, now that people know what it is,
you know?
Not going to do that.
And then I gave up, this isn't a good one.
I gave up feeding my cat.
You got to break that habit.
Yeah, that's not good.
Lent's a good time to do that.
Oh, and then I gave up spending thousands of dollars trying to methodically seduce
Andy's wife.
No more of that, huh?
That's very nice.
Good for you.
What a relief.
Plus, he gets in the idea that Andy has a wife.
Andy has a wife.
Yeah, he does.
I know.
I am a wife.
I know, I know.
And he has a great wife.
I don't like it.
No, he has an excellent wife.
Don't like it.
Well, okay.
What we're going to do is we're going to take a quick break, and then we're all
going to confer with our lawyers.
And then we're going to come back, and we'll have more with Norm MacDonald in
just a second.
We're going to take a quick break, and we're going to take a quick break, and
we'll have to take a quick break, and we'll have to take a quick break, and
then we'll have to take a quick break, and we'll have to take a quick break,
and then we'll have to take a quick break, and then we'll have to take a quick
break.
All right, we're back, everybody.
Stop comparing notes on gay porn, all right?
No.
We were actually talking about the Sports Illustrated, the swimsuit issue.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You guys like that issue.
No, I love it.
Andy said it's his least favorite Sports Illustrated.
Oh, shut up.
He says he can't.
Never mind.
I'm going to say something.
Andy, it's like quicksand.
If you struggle, it gets worse.
I know, I know.
You're just going to sit very still, and it'll go away.
Say something bad.
So you've got a week off a little while.
Yeah, I've got a week off coming up.
After this show, I've got a week off, so it's going to be great.
Do you see your family much?
Every break, I like to go back and see my folks, you know, and also my uncles
and aunts
and all that, you know.
They're great people.
The old people, you know, what I find about the old people is...
Just in general.
In general, they had so much more interesting lives than we do, you know.
Like, you know what I mean?
Like, we, you know, we go out, our generation, we go, okay, hey, let's go to a
movie, and
then we'll do the laundry and get some quarters for the laundry, and then we'll
have a read
the Sports Illustrated, you know, and whatever, right?
Right, right.
But these guys, they had lives, you know?
You know what I'm saying?
Sure.
Yeah.
So anyways, for instance, my Uncle Phil, you ever meet my Uncle Phil?
I didn't meet your Uncle Phil, no.
Oh, you didn't?
He was...
Yeah, we don't know each other that well.
Sure.
Remember?
That's true.
No, I've not met your Uncle Phil.
He's a good man, Uncle Phil.
So he was telling me, you know, he's just one of these guys that has so many
lives pushed
into one.
He just does so many things, you know?
Mm-hmm.
And he was telling me, he says, he's a kind of a jack-of-all-trades, you'd call
him.
Yeah.
That's a good phrase.
Yeah, he's a jack-of-all-trades.
So he was telling me, he said, the problem is, you're not really appreciated
for any single
thing because you're so good at so many things.
You understand what I mean?
I hear you.
Yeah.
So he says, he said to me one time, he says, Norm, he says, we were just
walking through
his town, you know, of Monkland, Maine, he lives in.
Uh-huh.
And we were just walking through the town.
He's an old fella, you know?
Right, one of the old people.
Yeah, he's 80.
Yeah, 80, okay.
80 years young, he says.
Uh-huh.
So he goes, he goes, he goes, Norm, you see that barn over there, he says to me.
I look over, there's a barn.
I go, yeah, yeah.
He goes, I built that barn with my own hands, all by myself.
But he goes, do they call me?
Do they say there's Phil, the barn builder?
No, sir, he says.
I said, yeah, yeah.
He goes, look over there.
You see that weather balloon?
He says, you don't know this about me, Norm.
He says, I was one of the first men ever to fly in a weather balloon.
Wow.
He says, but do they say, hey, there goes Phil, the weather balloon pioneer?
No.
He says, look over there.
There's a bakery that I started, you know?
That dirty bastard Bob has it now, but I'm the guy that started that bakery.
Uh-huh.
And I go, all right, all right, easy.
And he goes, he goes, I started that bakery and I was the best baker, but does
anybody go, oh, there goes Phil, the great baker?
No, he says, but he says, let me tell you something, Norm.
He says, you have sex with one goat.
He says, people, then they say, there goes Phil, the dirty goat.
I didn't get rid of that.
We don't need that microphone anymore, do we?
Wow, well, I do want to meet this man someday.
He sounds fascinating.
We got to talk about this.
Saturday Night Live this Saturday, you got your Alec Baldwin.
Yeah, he's going to be great.
He's the greatest host.
He was a great host when I was there years ago.
Musical guest Tina Turner.
I wanted to ask you if I could do your thing that you wrote about the perfect
murder.
Remember that sketch that you wrote when you were there?
Yeah, it wasn't just me.
It was a couple of us.
We wrote a sketch.
Did they ever do that?
Yeah.
I think they tried it at Dressed once and it bombed.
But go ahead.
Okay.
Have fun with that sketch.
I should ask you that in the commercial.
No, let's let them in and see what our lives are like.
Alec Baldwin, Tina Turner, and special appearance by Howard Stern.
Yeah, that's going to be cool.
How about Stern, huh?
That's going to be fun.
That's a big show.
Yeah.
So have fun with that.
Have fun with that program.
Okay, man.
You enjoy.
What are we, buddy cops now?
Yeah.
All right.
And come by any time and tell us about your family.
Yeah.
Anytime you want.
Them older folk.
All right.
Norm, thank you very much.
Norm MacDonald, everybody.
Mr. Regas is coming up.
We'll take a break.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.