Name: Norm Macdonald on 'Where's Elvis This Week?' hosted by Jon Stewart (1996)
Uploaded: 2019-11-07T16:22:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on 'Where's Elvis This Week?' hosted by Jon Stewart (1996)' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-11-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on 'Where's Elvis This Week?' hosted by Jon Stewart (1996)' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-11-07. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald on 'Where's Elvis This Week?' hosted by Jon Stewart (1996)

from new york the city that never sleeps it's where's elvis this week our guest
tonight comedian
felix dexter writer and critic joe queenan columnist lowrie turner and saturday
night
live norm mcdonald ladies and gentlemen john stewart
hello and welcome to america ladies and gentlemen and specifically new york
city
let me remind you
let me remind you of the old saying new york city if you can make it here the
rest of the world thinks
you're a condescending prick
you in america mister one slip up away from hosting a game show
by the way in response to all your cards and letters sagittarius
okay uh tonight on where's elvis this week we'll be aiming to once again bring
our two countries a little closer together
spitting distance if you will
we have so much in common britain in america you like beer we like beer you
watch friends
we watch friends you have die we wish she would you see
this week in america the stock market hit a new high dole and clinton were
debating again and talk show host kathy lee gifford
has said she's going to adopt an underprivileged baby as if poverty and famine
weren't enough for this kid
now it's got to live with kathy lee gifford how much can one baby take
and finally of course where's elvis this week
well according to the internet he's in fact moved to britain
uh he's been spotted buying jelly donuts in asda in glasgow
singing and drinking in a bar in lowestoft
and queuing for a burger at mcdonald's in windsor
all we know is elvis is dead but he's still hungry all right
let's move on to the show ladies and gentlemen shall we
joining me tonight from england sunday mirror columnist and agony aunt
lowry turner and comedian felix dexter ladies and gentlemen please welcome
uh-huh
all right
and uh on the american side writer critic and broadcaster joe queenan and from
saturday night live
mr norm mcdonald is with us so let's uh let's get out with the headlines here
we've met everybody
uh larry uh let me bring this up to you definitely the biggest piece of news in
the world this week
uh is is this headline right here take a look she's madonna now it's about madonna
having a baby
which to me uh with all the sex she's had law of averages i would think so uh
why why do people care about this
the amazing thing of course is that she actually had the baby herself surely a
woman with
that degree of wealth would pay somebody else to look fat for nine months i
mean she's had to hide away hasn't she
for her entire pregnancy because you know most women their their ankles swell a
little
this woman's neck swelled i mean you know she looked horrendous
according to the the uh there's been much talk obviously about the naming of
the baby
right lords and the vatican are not terribly happy about that
did the vatican actually have a response did the pope come out and go she did
what
i think she should be congratulated on
who uh madonna should be congratulated on she on choosing this name because
here's a woman who spent
her entire life basically um throwing open the door to her boudoir to any
sexual pilgrim who happens to be passing
and so she calls so she calls her daughter we try for all the talk of that i
don't know one guy who's
done her you know for all the talk of oh madonna has everybody me and my
friends are sitting around
going hey the sad fact is where's our turn at the deli counter the sad fact is
the one guy who has
done her as he so uh sublimely put it yeah he's been told that uh she's not
interested in him anymore
so this guy has got to live with the fact that he's given birth to perhaps the
most famous baby
uh in the current times sure for a few years well
that's what happens to every man after his wife has a baby this is no exception
i think we've taken a turn
for the bitter well you know i think most women after they've had babies are
less interested in their
husbands for a while because they're they're tired you know they're worn out
well plus they've had like a
six-pan thing go through the right right all right well let's uh let's move on
shall we before this
really degrades joe this seems to make perfect sense here's the next headline
uh handguns outlawed now
this is in britain they've out uh outlawed handguns why can't we ban guns in
this country what's what's our
problem guns are part of folklore you know folklore yeah i mean people think
they're people have always
thought you know the founding of the west and everything and all the lunatics
in america really
believe that if you have a gun you can defend yourself against the government
if the government
comes so i so i don't think i don't think but hoop skirts are a part of
folklore and we don't wear
those anymore you make a good point norm would you ban guns if you know not in
a million years i i got
a gun i own a gun all right that's a bit worrying don't you think well guns you
gotta have guns on account
of uh uh what if the another character has a gun you don't have a gun now that's
an interesting point one
guns really are horrible and they should be banned in all countries you shouldn't
have one oh i would
love if if i was the only guy to have one looks like norm would be getting a
lot of free lunches
with that one you see it's called the right to bear arms isn't it isn't that
supposed we have a
constitution the constitutional preset oh the right to bear arms but actually
it's the right to kill
people i mean it's so simple that's what a gun does i think you're just bitter
because our right
that we had got us our country i mean let's face facts if we didn't have guns
220 years ago you guys
would still be taxing the tea but we had a couple of you know we had a couple
of rifles we marched
down you guys wanted to walk in single file i don't know why you did that but
you did and uh
if we if we hadn't if we hadn't taught you how to use the guns in the first
place then you wouldn't
have been oh yeah like geronimo didn't teach us how to shoot straighter than
lord cornwallis
all right uh felix we got some more uh headlines going here have you uh uh had
one of these in
england uh million man march in england are there a million black guys in england
to have a march
do they have like a hundred thousand i think i think actually there's about
five of us oh my god
things are pretty depleted right now what with me being over here the way it
was perceived certainly
by the majority of people in britain was actually a little bit distorted
because i think there was
this notion that it was some kind of anti-semitic um initiative and that farrakhan
is viewed in that
way now i don't know enough about what he's been saying no i think he loves the
jews i've seen him
well yeah in fact the other day he had a bagel with a schmear the guy loves the
jews
now i think it's it's stupid for minority groups jews and blacks to like not
get on because hey we
all know about persecution i stayed indoors that day you know i just try to try
to stay out of the way when
these seminal events occur that can't do me any good see i'm irish american and
the great thing
about being irish is that you can claim to be a minority but you still control
the police department
so you don't have to so you don't have to worry about anything let's go finally
norm uh uh this
looks like the election has finally got exciting as bob dole got dirty gloves
are off what took bob
dole so long to get uh nasty in the campaign it took him a long time to get his
gloves off because it
was one arm that doesn't i feel shame and yet delight that man lost that arm at
the battle of ancio
fighting the nazis and you make fun of him like that no i love dole i vote for
dole he's the best
man you know norm i hate to say this and i know this uh to bring this up but i
don't think canadians
can vote in our elections we appreciate your support and your enthusiasm i'll
tell you i can't vote in
the election but i can pay the huge taxes to clinton yeah it's a beautiful
country all right
do you believe dole has gotten nasty too late do you uh have you seen dole get
nasty is not capable of
getting nasty from from from the perspective of all the way across the atlantic
you know he just appears
to be this doddery old guy who falls off the edge of stages occasionally and
that is that is largely
what we're seeing you see dole has got a bad image problem in britain really
because dole means
unemployment benefit in britain yes so it's like hey i'm going to really sort
the economy out my name is
mr unemployment benefit doesn't compute i think dole like didn't go on the
attack as much as he could
have because there's scandal after scandal after scandal with this clinton
character you know and uh
i was reading one this morning they said uh uh clinton apparently back when he's
governor of arkansas
you know back then he got real drunk one night apparently had sex with uh with
hillary
well let's see what all this uh negative stuff is about uh they say dole has
gone negative and uh
in britain apparently a picture of tony blair with red eyes caused a major
controversy uh but in
america viewers have been exposed to 450 million dollars worth of political ads
90 of which are
negative so uh are we just mean people you know why are we being shown these
things let's let's take a
look at something dole voted to raise payroll taxes social security taxes the
90 income tax increase
900 billion in higher taxes and look closely at his risky tax scheme he'd
actually raise taxes on nine
million working families bob dole 35 years in washington 35 years of higher
taxes we send them off to
school and we worry teenage drug use has doubled since 1992 and bill clinton he
cut the white house drug
office 83 his own surgeon general even considered legalizing drugs and in front
of our children on mtv
the president himself if you had it to do over again would you inhale sure if i
could i tried before
bill clinton he just doesn't get it but we do uh they say uh american people
hate negative advertising
but yet it's shown to work so what's the i can't believe people think that that's
particularly negative
that's not negative when andrew jackson was president in the 1830s he they they
said that his they said
that he was a bigamist they said that he'd murdered a minister then he went to
his he went to his death
bed convinced that the critics had killed his wife because of these accusations
we don't have anything
like this grover cleveland was accused of being of having an illegitimate child
which he had um warren
harding was accused of having a mistress you know there were all kinds of which
he had which he had
right there were all kinds of like horrible accusations about god and then they've
got this kind of stuff
which is where you know bill clinton once said that he almost inhaled marijuana
i mean i you know i don't
this whole story you think we've actually gotten kinder that we're not nearly
as negative as we used
to be i just think these commercials just like suck right that's the issue is
that the commercials just
suck so would you like to see what like singing raisins for the uh government
commercials what what do you
need really nasty i'd like to see real i'd like to see ads where they said clinton
you know this is the
motel this is the desk clerk he paid 27.95 here's the receipt here are the
sheets you know that'd be
negative you know did they do negative now this uh what was it uh uh tony blair
what was it yeah these
were ridiculous all they did is they sort of cut out he took a picture and cut
out his eyes and then put
little somebody else's eyes that colored red upside down i mean you know it was
a joke what i would
like to see is a bit there was an outcry am i right there was an outcry against
negative advertising
so will negative advertising never come britain's way we already we already
have negative advertising but
obviously it is it is more muted but simply that's because there isn't the
money in britain to to engage
in the vast amounts of advertising that you have here but we also happen to
have much better ad