Name: Norm Macdonald - One Night Stand (1991) HBO Stand-Up Special
Uploaded: 2019-12-27T18:12:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald - One Night Stand (1991) HBO Stand-Up Special' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-12-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald - One Night Stand (1991) HBO Stand-Up Special' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-12-27. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald - One Night Stand (1991) HBO Stand-Up Special

All right, throw the pie.
Oh, this is such a lovely dinner party, Norm.
I'm so sorry Billy couldn't make it.
He's just so busy with his ventriloquism.
You must be so proud of him.
I am.
I know, we're really proud of our Jimmy.
Well, there's no business like show business.
Norm, what are you doing these days?
I'm a doctor.
My son, the doctor.
Don't.
What the hell is wrong with you?
I'm a surgeon, Dad. You've never been able to accept that.
Oh, where did I go wrong?
I raised him to be a comedian, but no.
First, fourth birthday, I gave him a rubber chicken.
He tried to revive the goddamn thing.
I removed a man's spleen today.
What kind of job is that for a grown man?
When I was your age, I was on the Jack Pa show, remember?
I just want to help people, Dad.
Make them feel better.
You make them feel better, you make them laugh.
Now, laughter's the best medicine, huh?
That's true.
No, Dad.
Sometimes synthetic morphine through a slow drip is the best medicine.
Oh, that's all right, dear.
It's just a phase he's going through.
No.
No, I want to tell you.
Oh, honey.
I was talking to Millie today down at the HBO, and she said they have an
opening for a comedian tonight.
Well, you'd have your own half-hour special and a comprehensive dental plan.
It's such a good opportunity, dear.
But, Mom, I'm not a comic.
I'm a healer.
Just this once, dear.
Do it for your father's sake.
He'd be so proud, hm?
Then Nipsey says to me, I got news for you.
That is not a bratwurst.
All right, I'll do the damn show.
But I won't be happy.
I'll be miserable.
Fair enough.
We better leave now.
You're on stage in 15 minutes.
Oh.
From the Vic Theatre in Chicago, HBO presents One Night Stand.
Starring Norm MacDonald.
Ladies and gentlemen, Norm MacDonald.
Thanks.
Well, good to see you.
Good crowd here.
How are you doing tonight?
You all right?
Good stuff there.
Well, I'm doing all right, too.
Not much of a day for me.
I bit my tongue today.
That was about all.
You ever do that?
Man, that hurts, huh?
Still hurts.
Very embarrassing biting your tongue, you know?
You used to be walking down the street minding your own business, you know?
Doodly-doo.
Doodly-doo.
Doodly-ho!
And then everybody's looking at you and everything in there, you know?
And you're ashamed, you know?
You feel ashamed that you bit your tongue.
People go, "Hey, what's the matter with you there?"
You go, "Ahhh."
My uncle's sick.
Yeah, I didn't bite my tongue, if that's what you think.
I'm surprised I don't bite my tongue all the time, actually, you know?
Because I've got so many teeth, you know?
I've got 50, 100 teeth, something like that.
And they're all right around my tongue there, you know?
They don't get out much.
Ah, but I quit smoking, that's good for your teeth, man.
You ever tried that?
Holy cow, is that tough, huh?
I smoked every time I was a kid.
I always remember smoking, you know?
One time I remember I was a little kid.
I was like eight years old.
And I was behind my garage.
I was sneaking a cigarette back there.
And my dad caught me.
I'll never forget it.
His big head came around the corner of the garage.
There was my dad's big head.
And then his body, right after it, there was his body.
Trailing his head as it often would.
And he grabbed me, and he hauled me in.
And I thought I was in for the strapping of my life, you know?
What he did is he pulled out his giant cigar.
Must have been half the size of my arm, this big cigar.
Stuck it in my mouth, lit it up, made me smoke it all the way through,
right to the end.
That's when I started smoking cigars real heavily.
And, uh, that plan backfired on him.
Then there was another time I remember, now that I'm thinking about it.
I was behind the garage again, as luck would have it.
And, uh, this time I was smoking a big fat joint back there.
And, uh, don't do drugs, ha, ha, ha, ha.
And, uh, my dad's big head showed up again.
And there's no body this time, just a big head.
That was the funny part.
You like to mix it up like that, you know?
So anyways, he grabbed me there with his teeth, and he hauled me in.
And, uh, I thought I was in for the strapping of my life, you know?
But, uh, he injected me with heroin.
He was a strict man, I'll tell you that.
But you gotta quit smoking, that's all I know, man.
You gotta quit smoking.
It's not all I know, I know other things, too.
But, uh, it'd be kind of a wasted life if that's all I combed out of it there.
But, uh, you gotta quit smoking, 'cause otherwise you get old and then
unhealthy, you know?
You see a lot of that, you know?
Although some guys don't.
You ever see those old guys?
Doesn't matter what the hell they do to themselves.
They just grow old anyway, you know?
Meet a guy, be the oldest bastard you ever met, you know?
Just does everything wrong, you know?
Every day I smoke four packs of cigarettes, I drink a bottle of Jack Daniels,
and I hit myself in the head with a shovel every goddamn day.
I'd like to die.
God, I'd love to die.
One time I put a shotgun in my mouth and blew the whole goddamn back of my head
out there.
Just a slight ringing in the ears.
I can't die.
I think my girlfriend wants to get married or something, you know?
She's droppin' hints now all the time, you know?
I think she wants to get...
Last week, she got a one-year subscription to, uh, Bride Magazine.
And, uh, I renewed it for another five years.
Man, them engagement rings, boy, they cost a lot, boy.
I was lookin' at them, cost like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, you know?
Three thousand bucks, something like that.
Four thousand bucks.
Big number divisible by a thousand, anyways.
And, uh, you can get cheap ones, too.
I saw one ring, twenty bucks there, engagement ring, you know?
But, uh, what the hell are you gonna do with that, huh?
You know?
Here you go, honey.
I love you a little bit.
I get down on my knees, but it seems kinda stupid for twenty bucks.
I don't mind spending a lot of money, but a ring, eh?
That's kind of a pointless thing there, you know?
I don't know.
I think I'm gonna give my girlfriend a nice engagement stereo.
You know, that's...
You know, that's...
So, with this wall unit I thee wed.
Here you go.
Here you hold onto that.
So, who knows, though, huh?
Everything's expensive.
Everything costs money there, you know?
I went to buy a dog.
I couldn't believe how much these dogs cost.
Salesman in a store, trying to sell me the most expensive dog in a store, you
know?
Big six hundred dollar dog.
Big pit bull.
Six hundred bucks, you know?
And I was looking to pay, you know, maybe a...
A buck, something like that, you know, man?
Two bucks, something like that, you know?
But I was going, hey, don't you got a bargain dog around a joint here?
Any kind of a dog of the week going on this week?
A big bin of dogs, maybe, that I can pull something out of there?
But this guy goes, no.
He says, why don't you buy this pit bull?
He says, this is an expensive dog.
And he goes, this will protect your valuables, this dog, you know?
And, you know, I don't have anything very valuable, you know?
I don't own a lot of stuff there, you know?
I'd buy the pit bull.
That would be the most valuable thing I own, right?
I'd have to buy something to protect it then, you know?
Be out shopping for wolverines the next day there.
Show me something in a timber wolf, my good man.
I'd be saying to some good man there.
No, you don't want a dog like that, man.
I want a dog to do things for me, you know?
Fetch my slippers.
That's the joy of having a dog, you know?
Pit bull won't do that stuff.
Go, hey, pit bull, fetch my slippers.
Pit bull go, hey, I could kill you, pal.
I'm a pit bull.
Don't you read the papers or anything?
I kill, that's all I don't fetch.
I fetch people, that's all I fetch.
I could fetch you a guy, that's the best I could do there.
And maybe you'd be wearing some slippers.
How'd that be?
When I was young, no such thing as a pit bull.
When I was a kid, it was the meanest dog around,
the Doberman dog, you know?
And they'd kill you too.
They'd rip your throat out just the same, you know?
But not fast like a pit bull, eh?
A Doberman always give you a little head start there, you know?
They were a sporting dog named Doberman.
They'd see you in the street, they'd go,
"Hey, that your house over there?"
"Hey, go ahead."
And then they'd soar through the air and rip your throat out.
And do a flip, you know?
And you'd be impressed, even though you're dead, you know?
Man, look at that flip now.
But I don't want it.
You don't see Dobermans around anymore, you ever notice that?
Pit bulls now, they got all the work and everything.
All the domestic security jobs go to the pit bulls.
And man, a Doberman's like the forgotten dog now, you know?
Once in a while you see him on a park bench with a frisbee there, you know?
I used to be somebody.
I'm a Doberman.
Got a buck?
Buck for the Doberman?
So I don't get any of those killer dogs, you know?
I always buy a dog.
When I'm buying a dog, I think to myself, I go,
"Hey, if this dog goes berserk, could I take him?"
I got a nice wiener dog.
I got one of them wiener dogs.
Wiener dog can't rip your throat out or anything like that, you know?
Unless you're lying down, you know?
You have to be lying down sleeping there, you know?
And a wiener dog sneak up late at night, start nibbling at your throat there.
Maybe by daybreak, he's got a hold of a vein there.
He's pulling out a vein there.
You know, you wake up,
"Oh, get away from me, you wiener dog!"
"What the hell do you think you are, a pit bull or something there?"
"Look at my vein back there."
Where does he get off a wiener dog?
He's a hickey, a little hickey there.
That's about all.
And that's embarrassing, too.
Hey, you ever have a hickey, man?
You'd be walking down the street, people see you.
"Hey, you got a wiener dog over there, huh?"
"Oh, ha, ha, ha."
"So I do, now that you mention him."
"So you never know, though, huh?"
But to hell with dogs.
I'm going to be a big guy, just defend myself.
You know, I'm going to work out.
That's what I'm going to start doing, you know?
I haven't worked out forever.
I never worked out.
Good God, has it been that long, ever?
But I got to start, you know, because, man.
I used to be in good shape.
When I was younger, that's when I was in good shape, you know?
I was in my peak physical condition
when I was about, like, one.
Man, you should have seen me back then.
When I was one.
Oh, God, I look good.
Young and fresh.
You wouldn't know me now
if you've seen me when I was one, you know?
I even look good for my age.
People would come out to me and go,
"What are you, zero?"
And I go, "No, I'm one over here."
They go, "Man, don't look a day past zero.
I'm not bullshitting you there.
Look good."
And I go, "Oh, thank you very much.
I appreciate it, but I'm one."
So, you gotta stay in shape.
I watch the TV.
I watch a lot of sports on the TV.
Everything on any sport at all, you know?
I don't care, you know?
And some of those sports are not even sports, you know?
You ever see those sports on the TV
where they just try to take two different sports
and combine them together and make up a new sport?
You know?
They don't even work together, you know?
Like, guy will run a hundred-yard dash
and then fish.
But I don't know, I saw this one cliff diving.
Here's a weird sport, eh?
A guy diving off a cliff there
and they're trying to pass it off as a sport.
You know, it's like attempted suicide pretty well, eh?
Next week, I saw a TV guy that got washing down quaaludes
with wood alcohol.
Can you believe that?
How about that for a sport, eh?
But, uh...
It's tough to know who's better in cliff diving, either.
Like, you see a guy diving off a cliff,
they go, "Oh, man, a guy diving off a cliff."
And then another guy dive,
"Oh, there's another guy diving off a cliff there."
But you can't tell who's better, you know?
Like, if you survive at all, hey, you're a great cliff diver there.
There's only two classifications in cliff diving there.
There's a grand champion and then stuff on a rock.
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