Name: Norm Macdonald on the Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno (Sep 1999)
Uploaded: 2020-01-18T03:18:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on the Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno (Sep 1999)' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on the Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno (Sep 1999)' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-18. Transcript available.

Which is called Norm. Coincidence? You be the judge. It airs Friday nights on
ABC. Please welcome Norm McDonnell.
Good to see you again, buddy. Good to see you, man. You look fit, you look tanned,
you look ready for action.
Yeah, I'm not tanned. I have heavy makeup on. Oh, that's what it is. You know,
Costas is here. Now, you see, that's a real man here. There you go.
Do you think he dies it? What do you think? Oh, no, no. I saw him backstage. It
looked like jet black.
Yeah, yeah. So you're with me. You're in my camp. No, I think he doesn't die it.
I've never seen hair that's preternaturally black.
Yeah, you think so? Looks good. He's a great man, you know. I love watching
sports.
You know, I feel sorry for a little bit in the Olympics. Those commentators
that they get the less than marquee sports, you know what I mean?
And they're not used to it because they're used to covering real sports like
baseball, football.
Then all of a sudden, they're covering a guy chucking a hammer or something
like that, you know, or shot put something.
They don't know. And they don't know what to say. You know, a couple guys, and
they're like, hey, man, that guy chucked it a long way, you know?
Right?
And then the other guy's, yeah, but not as far as that dude before him.
And then they're like, I'll tell you something. I think that other guys in
first place are kind of, you know.
Do you understand all the sports?
I don't know, because they're so uninteresting.
You know, like, if you met a dude that, like, in not, if it was not an Olympic
year, if a guy come up, you go, you know what?
I like watching lots of women's gymnastics. You go, good Lord.
That would be creepy.
You know, you're checking box scores on that every day on the paper.
But every four years, you're like, hey, that's great. Women's gymnastics, you
know?
And then you get to, you feel like you're an expert.
Like a couple days into it, you're like, you know, 8.5, what kind of horse that?
You know?
You call that an 8, honey, come in here, 8.5.
That's, son of a, you know, you get all mad.
And you just feel like you can really, really get into it.
You know, some of the sports, though, in those Olympics are kind of odd, you
know?
I don't know why they don't just do all real sports.
But they have, like, sometimes they'll try to combine a couple of sports.
Yeah, I know.
You know what I mean?
I saw one there on the TV, Jay, I swear to God.
I shouldn't swear to God, because it's not true.
Right, right.
You're a deeply religious man that you are, yeah.
Yeah, I didn't realize that I was saying.
But, Jay, this is true.
This is the truth, yeah?
Yeah, okay.
That, uh, that I saw, uh, one, that you mind two sports to, separately the
sports are good.
Right.
But it was a guy who ran a hundred-yard dash, and then, uh, a fish.
Really?
Yeah.
I don't know that one.
I must have been on late at night.
Yeah, I was a guy, the first bar was exciting, and then he was fishing in a crick.
Do you have any favorites?
Is there any one you enjoyed more than?
I don't know.
Uh, the, the, there's some, uh, odd ones, like, one that always makes me laugh
is the, uh, fast walker.
You ever see that?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, going like that, and his ass looks ridiculous, you know?
And, uh, and you gotta figure that these guys, you know, I don't know how they
get into walking,
you know, I figured, I could even do that, you know?
If I practiced, maybe I could walk.
Right.
But, uh, but, uh, you gotta figure these guys, maybe the sprinters, kind of
make fun of these
dudes, you know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah.
Like, around the Olympic Village there, maybe Maurice Green, hey, hey, Bill!
The guy's name's Bill.
All right.
He goes, hey, hey, Bill, I saw your, uh, walk today.
That was a, kind of a good, brisk stroll you had going there, Bill.
You know?
You broke the 25-minute mile.
They said that could never be done.
You know?
This is difficult.
Now, you had a story about, uh, about living in New York.
One more thing.
Want me on one more sport?
This is the weirdest sport I saw.
A guy shooting a gun.
They had a thing where it was like a target, right?
Right.
And the guy goes like this and he shoots the gun.
Right.
And then, uh, whoever's the best at hitting the target, you know?
And it was very odd because, you know, is it really a sport if they give you a
gun?
You know what I mean?
Because the gun is a big part of it, you know?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like the speed of the bullet and everything, you know?
That mostly comes from the gun.
Right, yeah.
And also, I'll tell you something else.
The judges, they don't like giving a bad score to a dude holding a gun.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Yeah, he can't, yeah.
Yeah.
You know?
They're deciding their score.
I don't know.
Maybe an 8-6.
And then the guy's going, what?
Come on, man.
What are you?
What's my...
What are you going to tell me about New York?
Sometimes I find it easier to start my own apartment.
Really?
Get the thing going, yeah.
Yeah.
What was the homeless guy?
You started to tell me his story before.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was going to tell you that.
I had a homeless guy that was in my apartment in New York.
You know, I lived in a nice walk-up.
It's called a walk-up in New York.
There's no elevators.
The idea is you walk up, and that way it's easier to get, like, knifed and
raped and so
far.
We have no doorman, you know?
So a lot of times you'll go up, you'll walk up, and then there'll be a guy in
the...
And then you run, you know?
So anyways, there was a homeless guy that was always in front of my apartment,
and I grew
a guy.
He'd always be real friendly.
They're very...
Well, one of the only gentlemanly people left are the homeless, I find.
Really?
They're very nice to you.
They're like, sir.
They call you sir, you know?
And you could be anybody, but they're like, sir, can you find it in your heart
to give
me a dollar?
And I always give the guy, every day, I give the guy a dollar.
I think he was saving up for crack or something.
So I could give the guy a dollar.
And with the price of crack, you know, you gotta give him a dollar.
You gotta give him a dollar.
Anything that helps out.
So one day there, Jay, I decided to get some delicious Kentucky Fried Chicken
to eat.
You know, I love that stuff.
And I go, I buy my Kentucky Fried Chicken, and this is what happens when I'm in
the Kentucky...
This is another thing, but when I was in the Kentucky Fried Chicken place, I
guess I hadn't
been there for a while, right?
So I go, hey, man, can I get some of that Kentucky Fried Chicken?
So they give me that thing.
I go, hey, why don't you throw in some potato salad?
The girl behind the desk, she goes, potato salad?
Where have you been?
But anyway, I guess I don't serve potato.
I don't have it anymore.
So I get my Kentucky Fried Chicken, I go, man, I'm gonna go home, eat this
Kentucky Fried Chicken,
maybe drink a couple of beer, you know?
And that's a good evening for me, you know?
So I get home with my thing, Kentucky Fried Chicken, I go up, and the homeless
guy's there,
I don't have a dollar for him, I spend it all on the Kentucky Fried Chicken.
So I get up, and I open my Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Goodness gracious, if they haven't given me seven pieces instead of my three
that I ordered,
so I figure, hey, I can save this, right?
But I figure, hey, you know what would be nice if I gave the homeless guy the
other four pieces of chicken, right?
And then I thought, I better keep four.
It's not fair.
He gets four, I get three.
You know, I'm a guy with a home, you know?
Yeah, right, you got a home.
Yeah, so I say, I'll keep four, I'll bring this guy three, he'll like that, and
I'll give him a couple of beer, you know?
So I come down, and I give the guy a couple of beer there, the three pieces of
chicken,
and he's, thank you, sir, thank you very much.
And so he's eating them, and then I lock myself out, I forgot my key, I'm
locked out of the apartment, you know?
So I have to phone a locksmith, and I'm just standing around with this homeless
guy, you know?
So I say, hey, listen, give me a piece of chicken there, would you?
And this guy, he goes like this, he goes, get your own chicken.
It just goes to show you, you can't do anything for a homeless guy.
Yeah, a homeless guy, yeah.
You see, now he was saving up for the crack.
Anyway, it's it.
I should have just bought him some crack.
Should have got him the crack, yeah.
Friday night, start again.
What's that?
Another season, your 12th season of Norm, right?
That's right.
12th year, ladies and gentlemen, Norm Macdonald.
Be right back with Ruben Gardner right after this.