Name: Norm Macdonald Vintage Stand Up
Uploaded: 2020-01-30T17:53:19.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Vintage Stand Up' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Vintage Stand Up' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-30. Transcript available.

Well, thank you. So, how are you guys doing? Are you alright?
Oh, you look good. And, uh, you ever have a dream? I had a dream the other day
there.
And, uh, you ever have one of them dreams, and then you wake up, right in the
good part,
right in the best part, you wake up, you know, and then you're back in your stinking
life again.
And, uh, so then you try to fall asleep, re-dream it.
Man, that never works, huh? Always end up with some weird mutation of your
original dream there,
you know. Like, the other day there, I was having a dream of, uh, I was in a
pool with Christy Brinkley.
You know, we were approaching each other there, and we're going, and then I
woke up.
And then I tried to fall asleep there, and ended up, uh, shooting pool with
David Brinkley.
But that wasn't that. Everybody lies, right? You gotta lie there, but, uh, you
ever lie for no reason?
That's a bad lie there. You know, usually there's a reason, like, you want to
protect somebody's feelings,
or, you know, screw over your buddy or something like that, but you ever lie
for no reason at all?
Just all of a sudden, a big lie spills out of your evil head there, you know?
And you don't even know, like, a guy come up to you and go, "Hey, you ever see
that movie with Meryl Streep
and a horse?" And you go, "Yes!"
And in the back of your head, you go, "What the hell am I lying about over here?"
I stand to gain nothing by this lie.
The hell am I thinking back here in my head?
I don't know, man. I gotta get in shape. That's what I gotta do. Work out.
Be a big... I haven't worked out forever. I never worked out. I was gonna lie
there again.
God, has it been that long ever? But, uh, I gotta start, you know?
I used to be in good shape when I was younger. Oh, man, I look good back then.
Should have seen me back when I was, like, uh, one.
That's when I look good, one. Oh, man, I was young and fresh. Oh, God.
If I could show you pictures of me when I was one, you wouldn't know me now,
you know?
I've just gone to hell. Hell in a handbasket, as my great-uncle used to say.
Oh, you got it. And I look even good from my age back then.
People come out to me and go, "What are you, zero?"
And I go, "No, I'm one over here."
And you go, "Man, don't look a day past zero there. I'm not bull..."
Look, zero. And I go, "Well, thank you, but I must insist I'm one."
I like watching sports. Yeah, I love that. I watch sports on the TV all the
time.
Man, they're good. Oh, except those sports.
You ever see those sports where they just try to combine two sports and make up
a new sport?
Man, that stinks, huh? You know, they don't even go together.
It'd be like a guy, run a hundred-yard dash, and then fish.
It's not as cliff diving. You ever see that guy hopping off a cliff,
trying to pass that off as a sport, you know?
Man, look at that guy, like attempted suicide as a sport there.
Next week, they got washing down Quaaludes with wood alcohol.
That's next week, though. Can you read that?
I was just making that part up.
But, uh, cliff diving, what a crazy...
And you can't tell who's better, either.
You see a guy hopping off a cliff, and you go, "Man, look at that."
And then the next guy hops off a cliff, and you go, "Oh, look at that again,
there."
Another guy hopping off a cliff.
But you can't tell who's better, you know?
If you survive at all, you're a great...
You're a great...
You're the...
There's only...
There's only a couple of different levels of cliff diving.
It's Grand Champion, and then Stuff on a Rock over there.
One of the two.
It's a kind of a thing.
Ah, but who knows, though.
I love the TV.
Anything at all on the TV.
That's my life, man, a TV.
Game shows.
I love game shows.
That is one game show.
The Dating Game.
You ever see that show?
That's an odd show there, huh?
No prize in the show.
They give you, like, another contestant.
That's your prize.
No budget at all on the show.
And they always do the same thing.
Get a beautiful girl on the show.
A beautiful, gorgeous girl.
Then they match her up with three giant gorks there, you know?
Three of the biggest gorks you've ever seen.
Last week, they had a guy on.
It was like a crazy guy.
One kind of...
Some kind of a loony bin.
Psycho wing nut kind of a guy, you know?
You can tell by the way they introduce him.
The bachelor number two is a shadowy lurking character.
Please welcome, from no fixed address.
He's just a guy there.
And then this menacing figure shambles into the studio there
with a well-thumbed copy of Catcher in her eye sticking out of her back pocket.
And then they make the girls ask those questions.
That always would be laced with sex, these questions.
You know, a girl would go,
Bachelor number two, if I were a popsicle,
what would you do to me?
What would you do to me if I were a popsicle?
Unless this isn't a card here.
And I go, well, if you're a popsicle, huh?
Well, first of all, I guess I'd take your wrapper off.
If you know what I mean.
And then I'd grab a hold of your sticks.
If you know what I mean.
And then I'd press you against the counter.
You're broken, too.
Hey, you guys have been great.
Thanks very much.
And I love you.
I love you very much.