Name: Norm Macdonald on Holmberg's Morning Sickness Show (2014)
Uploaded: 2020-04-19T21:32:59.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on Holmberg's Morning Sickness Show (2014)' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on Holmberg's Morning Sickness Show (2014)' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-19. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald on Holmberg's Morning Sickness Show (2014)

the
98k upd norm mcdonald's one of my favorite people on the planet doesn't
even know that you don't know that i know i don't know do you yeah
one of my favorite people come in here every time it's been like two years you
kind of took a year away i think so yeah holy crow yeah yeah you uh you've been
busy doing eating evidently
and not now you've cleared it up you had to eat and then lose the way
so you took a year off from us some weird thing happened where i had a huge
hunger and sean was around uh... you have an issue i'm sorry sean o'connor
honors your helper yet though he's the future of comedy oh is he the future
this isn't like a liberace situation
however i mean he did say he would pay for my plastic surgery
you're going to make you look like norm that's the fact that sean's got a house
can i read a little news story a brazilian serial killer has confessed to
murdering thirty nine people the alleged serial killer uh... apparently he
court was
coerced into confessing his crime uh... and what he did was uh... jeez this is
kind of
grizzly now that i read it he would uh... lure young women and men he would
kill
regardless of gender uh... slice uh... chop up the victim
and then uh... i mean this guy was a real jerk
and that's why
you're one of my favorite people you did so succinct it's such a bit so yes i
had a big i had a
hunger issue what i would call it what did you put on because when i turned i
was watching your podcast
i think i was about 250
what no kidding maybe i remember one time i was 235 but i i remember being fatter
after that
but yeah i would eat uh... all the time
and that way just for no reason because he all sudden the appetite just started
you know constantly nowhere and then i got real worried like and i i said to
him i went to a doctor and
there's all the tests came out positive and i'm like uh...
i mean the eyes here and i tell you about his doctor but he wasn't the nicest
guy you know
like at one point he said uh... open your mouth and say oink
that's not nice right
so uh... earlier this morning you say the people in cool were doing mounds of
blow at the station
what the hell was that
oh my god
i didn't know we could talk about that
sure we can
you're in a safe place
so did you cut some lines
we cut lines off america
no they just kept giving us doughnuts
they had
they were like going away for a while
they had incredible energy man
they were like
it was fantastic to see
it's the old station
they have to have energy i guess
i guess
yeah it was a man
it was uh
it was it was a lot of fun though
i don't buy it
but listen man sean
you know
the future of comedy
the future of comedy
uh it reminded me last night
because i got in early
uh yesterday
and then i waited up on sean
because he drove from los angeles
oh geez
because he's afraid of ebola
and it sort of reminded me like
because he
i would phone him
you know on his car
and i go how you doing
he goes now i'm in you know
wherever he was
quartzite
yeah
and it reminded me of
date shake
of like uh
yeah he had a date shake
no i ate at mcdonald's twice
on the drive
that's a long drive
you ever have a date shake
no
oh they're awesome
yeah
but it reminded me of
kind of like a stephen king novel
i'm on the phone
right
he's like you know
i haven't touched anyone yet
you know
and like uh
he's so afraid of ebola
but
are you really afraid of the ebola
because i think i'm i'm horrified
oh yeah i'm terrified
because what just happened
is it was one person
then it was two people
then it was three people
and then that second person
went on a plane
yeah
so now 800 people
are quarantined
and there's another one
on a boat now
on a cruise line
the one on a plane
doesn't have it yet
yeah but close enough
it's so close
we've had two people
that have had it
and the other one
that was handling
the other one
are being accused
yeah
right now we're taking
the witches
right now
and we're gonna start
burning them
good
yeah
who's for burning
show of hands
if it's
i mean
if it saves me
me too
that's all
I'm gonna tell you
diarying blood
yes
burn that guy
fidel castro
right
uh-huh
yeah
who has an island
his country's an island
right
so when the aids outbreak
happened
you know you're on an island
it could knock your whole island down
right
yeah
so what he did is
they had a big beautiful resort
right
and he just took it over
you know
because that's what they can do
right
when it's your island
yeah
and he put all the aids patients
in this beautiful resort
fed them all
and uh
what's wrong with that
yeah
I don't know
it almost makes you want AIDS
in Cuba doesn't it
kind of like trying to get it
but it knocked the uh
disease out
it killed the disease
yeah
because you quarantine everybody
into their own little package
yeah
that's the thing
this other lady who they keep saying
was handling samples
which basically means
the poop and pee
of the Duncan guy
she was taking them out
he's on a royal caribbean cruise
and she's got locked in a cabin now
I'm the same way
but also a doc
like a nurse
if a nurse can get it
I mean
because they take care
they try not to get stuff
every day
that's their job
so if it's not airborne
Sean was saying
it's just a droplet
yeah
well wait till terrorists get it
I mean
of course
if you take in someone's breath
that has Ebola
you know
it's like a horrible movie
it's going to be awful
I had to stop drinking people's blood
oh that'll do it
I mean
yeah you gotta be careful
with that
stupid twilight movies
and now we've got this
taking a horrible turn
on all of us
yeah
I mean
it would be the worst
when terrorists get it
but I also think
it would be bad
when just like
innocent people get it
that's when you got something
I think you misunderstood me
but it's okay
who did you usurp
as the future of comedy
there has to be like
the guy who had that role
that you took it
yeah who got enrolled
probably Aziz Ansari
you think
and now he's just comedy
yeah now he's
the president of comedy
he's the czar
and Norm are you
the ghost of comedy
I'm the past
yeah
a lot of times
me and Sean
we'll go
and then people go
hey man
that guy seems like
the future of comedy
that guy seems like
the past of comedy
where do we go
to get that
who says that to you
where do we go
to get the present
people will review
your show that way
that's just an awful
person to say that
about the show
he just watched
I saw the future
and I saw the past
just looking for
something in the middle
yeah well listen man
the future and the past
are all we got
because the present
is you know
people falling down
bleeding from every
orifice of their body
I don't like the present
did you guys ever read
the hot zone
yeah we were talking
about that
I never read it
it's the one that
makes me go
okay Ebola
I'm not going to
fool around with this
we had a record
of zero cases
up until about
a month and a half ago
could have had a vaccine
it was 20 years ago
oh that's right
they could have worked
on a vaccine
but they didn't
what was the thing
that you told me
about the hot zone
that sounded like a lie
oh what the horror
horrifying story
oh that you think
it's a lie
yeah
no in the hot zone
they're talking about
the first guy that got it
and you know
it's just a nightmare
and he gets to the
you know
it's on a little plane
from Africa
and he gets to the
hospital
and he goes there
you know
and it's an African hospital
which says
I was saying
against Africa
but by God
and then
look at these hospitals
and then he goes there
and they don't know Ebola
sure
and they said
at that point
anyways
he collapsed
and blood exploded
from everywhere
oh
and they said
that the blood
hit the ground
and started moving
what
because it's
like a sci-fi movie
like a sci-fi movie
because it's more Ebola
than plasma
at that point
and it's just looking
for a host
that's going to die
I'm out
I'm out on that
start to fire
it's like alien
yeah no that's just
an awful
so burn
all the Ebola
that's what you're saying
yeah
I'm fine with that
are you opposed
or are you opposed
to it
give me a counter argument
to it
you take that resort
Norm
and then you torch it
that's John's idea
I have an odd
approach to curing starvation
as well
which is kill
all the starving people
it goes away
if we team up
with the warlords
I mean
we've raised
so much money
and they're still hungry
we've teamed up
with the wrong side
oh yeah
don't you think
you have to go already
no Brad's just
pointing at my coffee
Brad I don't like
when you stand up
sit back down
doesn't he look like
he's from a
Wallace and Gromit special
the were-rabbit
right behind him
Norm you've been
at this for a long time
how long have you
been doing this
25 years
is it 25 years
and it's your birthday
and I started late
51 years old
happy birthday
oh yes
it is my birthday
we get lists
I actually started
very late for a stand up
yeah
25
what were you doing
before that
most of them started
as kids
you know
Sean started
started at 19
yeah
no kidding
that's just brave
and even 19
is sort of
some people are 60
so you stopped
hooking
what were you doing
what were you doing
before
were you a prostitute
that's where you pointed out
I want stuff to come
out of my mouth
well that's your choice
that's just an extra 20 bucks
you can go
in the direction
Norm were you
did you have different
aspirations before you
started doing
oh no
I just did manual labor
really
like tile work
or drywall
what are you looking at
drywall was too hard
for me
anything with any skill
I was horrible at
but I moved furniture
you know
I worked in a logging camp
I lived in Canada
I just traveled around
to
and then just all of a sudden
said this is it
what would Norm
today is your birthday
so it's a time for reflection
what would birthday Norm
today
go back and tell young Norm
25 years ago
what would I go back
and tell myself
would you go back
and say alright Norm
here's what you need to know
watch out for Ebola
first of all
that's clear
that's coming
that's coming
that's coming
you got a future
I guess
gosh man
I mean I have no regrets
in my life
I'm not asking
you're not on a deathbed
or anything
I'm not trying to pin
anything on you
just is there anything
you're like man
I could have done that better
oh almost everything
so you just have a list
of stuff for you
yeah yeah yeah
I would say
I would say
you know how they say
a life unexamined
is not worth living
true
but
another
a bad thing though
is
do you ever try to examine
your life
which is what you're asking
me to do right now
and you hate it
yeah I apologize
oh it's depressing
so you look back
you're why did I do that
why did I do that
why did I do that
why did I do that
what are these bumps
you keep dwelling on them
I've got bumps
why do I not remember
the last six days
and there's scabs
all over my face
yeah
when I used to drink
I used to walk
this is what my friends
told me
I would walk
fall down
walk fall down
walk fall down
and then I would black out
for a couple days
and I'd wake up
and there'd always be scabs
this is what your friends
told you
I thought I'd been in a big fight
but my friends told me
no you're just walking down
they were just kicking your ass
you were in a fight club
and they did beat the time
and put you in the back
Norm have you ever met
any other celebrity
that shares the same
birthday as you
like Ziggy Marley
yeah
Ziggy Marley
no he shares my birthday
yeah Eminem
oh Eminem
yes I have met him
Bill Hudson
one of the Hudson
the Hudson brothers
now was he
Goldie Hawn's
husband
he put his seat
inside Goldie Hawn
yeah
he made Kate
yep he made Kate
the Hudson brothers
George Wendt
oh really
and he played Norm
how loud is that
you know it's
you know how dumb I am
when I started doing stand up
right
I was in Canada
there was no TV
or anything right
there wasn't
not in Canada
really
I mean there was TV
25 years ago
I mean
you couldn't go do stand up
on TV
I see I got you
we'd mostly get our TV
from America
but I was going across
the country and everything
doing my stand up
but no one knew who I was
but when I
sometimes when I go on
peo