Name: Norm Macdonald Stand Up - An Evening at the Improv (1990) 'Show me to your bin of dogs'
Uploaded: 2020-05-17T19:18:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Stand Up - An Evening at the Improv (1990) 'Show me to your bin of dogs'' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Stand Up - An Evening at the Improv (1990) 'Show me to your bin of dogs'' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-17. Transcript available.

And now, here comes Norm MacDonald.
Oh, thanks. How are you guys doing? All right?
The weirdest show I ever see is a dating game. That's a weird show.
The prize on the dating game, another contestant.
Talk about cheap, you know. They shuck you somebody else.
They always do the same thing on the dating game.
They get a beautiful girl, match her up with three big geeks.
Last week they had a guy, I was like a crazy guy, loony pin, psycho, wingnut,
crazy guy.
You can tell by the way they introduced him, you know, they go,
Bachelor number two is a shadowy lurking character.
From no fixed address, please welcome.
Guy comes shambling into the studio, well-thumbed copy of Catcher in the Rye,
sticking out of his back pocket area.
And then, they made the girls ask those questions.
They always be laced with sexual innuendo, you know.
Girl got to go, Bachelor number two, if I were a Popsicle,
what would you do to me then?
That's what it says in the card here, something but a Popsicle.
And then the guy goes, well, if you were a Popsicle, huh?
Well, first of all, I guess I'd take your wrapper off,
if you know what I mean.
Then I'd grab ahold of your sticks.
If you know what I mean.
Then I'd press you against the counter to your broken two.
Put half you in the freezer until later.
You know what I mean.
You understand what I'm getting at there.
Crazy guy that turned out to be.
But everything's expensive, isn't it?
Oh, man.
I wanted to buy this dog.
You should have seen this dog.
This guy wanted to sell me a dog in the store.
It was $600, this dog.
Can you believe it?
$600 for a dog?
Oh, man.
I was looking to pay, you know, a buck.
I just wanted a bargain dog.
A nice discount dog.
A cheap, off-the-rack kind of dog.
Any kind of show me to your bin of dogs, my good man.
I said to the guy.
But this guy, he says, no.
He says, why don't you buy this dog?
He says, it's $600, this dog.
But he says, this dog is a pit bull.
He says, this dog will protect your valuables.
And I don't even have anything very valuable, you know.
I buy the pit bull.
That would be the most valuable thing I can do.
I'd have to buy something to protect it then, you know.
I'd be out shopping for wolverines the next day there.
Show me something in a timber wolf if you could.
No, you don't want a dog like that.
I want a dog.
Do things for me, you know.
Fetch my slippers and things like that.
You know, pit bull won't do that.
He says, hey, pit bull, fetch my slippers.
You know, pit bull go, I could kill you, pal.
I'm a pit bull.
Don't you read the papers or anything?
I don't fetch slippers, I fetch people.
That's all right.
I could fetch you a guy.
That's the best I could do.
Maybe be wearing some slippers.
How about bump a guy off around bedtime?
How about that?
You go, all right then.
Fair enough.
Boy, those dogs will kill you fast too, man.
Just they rip your throat out.
That's what pit bull does.
Rips your throat out and you die.
And you die before he hits you.
Dog being in there, you go, I think I'll have a heart attack.
When I was a kid, it was a Doberman.
That was a mean dog when I was a kid.
And they'd rip your throat out too, but they'd give you a little, you know,
head start.
Doberman is here on the street.
Is that your house over there?
So, you don't even see Dobermans around anymore.
You know, it's that because pit bulls have all the work now.
They're the big dog.
Dobermans, once in a while you see them on a street corner, you know.
It's sad.
On a park match with a frisbee.
I used to be somebody, hey.
I'm a Doberman.
And they, got a buck.
Buck for the Doberman here.
Yeah, I don't get those crazy killer dogs.
When I buy a dog, I always try to buy a dog that, you know, if he goes berserk,
I can take him.
I got to, I like to be able to beat up my dog if I have to.
I got a, I got a wiener dog.
You know, I got one of those.
Look, a wiener dog can't rip your throat out, you know.
Unless you're lying down, you know.
That would be about the only way.
You don't have to be lying down sleeping.
And the wiener dog sneak up late at night, start nibbling out of your throat
there.
Maybe by daybreak, he's got a hold of a vein.
He's pulling out a vein there, you know.
When you wake up, oh, get away from me, you wiener dog.
What the hell, you think you got a pit bull there or something?
You get, look at my vein back there.
That's my vein you got there.
Where's the wiener dog giving maybe a hickey?
That's about all you got.
That's embarrassing too.
You have a hickey.
People see you on the street go, hey, you got a wiener dog over there, huh?
Okay, listen, that's the end, the end of my jokes.
But thanks a lot, you've been great.
See you later, Dan.
Thank you.
Good night.
Good night.