Name: Norm Macdonald on The Mickey, Amelia & Spiegel show (2012) 'Patrick Fitzryan & Ryan Fitzpatrick'
Uploaded: 2020-08-25T00:07:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on The Mickey, Amelia & Spiegel show (2012) 'Patrick Fitzryan & Ryan Fitzpatrick'' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on The Mickey, Amelia & Spiegel show (2012) 'Patrick Fitzryan & Ryan Fitzpatrick'' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-25. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald on The Mickey, Amelia & Spiegel show (2012) 'Patrick Fitzryan & Ryan Fitzpatrick'

Hey, are you getting Sean on the camera there?
Tell them your last name again, Sean.
Sean O'Connor.
Yeah.
Jesus.
How Irish can you get?
Yeah, Sean Patrick O'Connor.
Wow.
Jesus God.
Now, Norm, you know, I knew a couple of Irish guys.
I bet you did.
It was, what were their names?
I didn't know them.
Oh, no, Patrick Fitz Ryan.
And Ryan Fitzpatrick.
What, you know those guys?
Yeah, I know.
What, Patrick Fitz Ryan and Ryan Fitzpatrick?
Yeah, who are they?
The first Irish gay couple.
They fit each other.
I always love Norm because he explains the joke.
Marcus, he's all just looking at me.
Oh, he does sound Irish.
Hey, Norm, when did you know?
When, I'm serious.
When did you know you were good at stand-up?
Like, I think he just made himself cry.
Yeah, I know, right?
When did you know?
Okay, you know what?
I might be able to make some money doing this.
You know what it was?
It was like, everyone else.
I didn't think I'd be any good because the guy said, you should do it.
It was mostly that everyone else sucked.
Is that what it was?
And you thought, I got to be better than this?
Kind of.
Really?
I didn't, because you always like, because when I started stand-up, I didn't
know there
was stand-up.
Right.
I thought there was like six stand-ups.
You'd see that TV right now.
Right, CMO Carson.
Yeah, right.
Knocky bastards.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
So you never thought there were actual clubs.
And then when I found out there were clubs, and then I said there were amateur
nights,
and then when I ended up there, everyone didn't seem very good.
So you watched it one night and thought, I can do this.
Do you remember your first joke?
Oh, God, they were so terrible.
Awesome.
I remember writing it down.
I remember writing down my jokes on a piece of paper, and then I had spaces
where the audience
would say things, and then I'd say bad things.
Did you ever do that?
No.
Like a bad loop.
Yeah, like I had it all planned out, what they would say to me.
They just didn't do their part, did they?
Yeah, they didn't have that.
We had to hand out scripts.
I paid you, man.
Why am I doing your job?
Did you have, like...
But amateur night, as you know, is weird because there's a lot of, like,
psychopaths.
Oh, my God, dude.
I call it therapy.
It's therapy night, especially open mics, because I've been to a couple of
those.
Oh, my God, yeah.
You're like, what is wrong with you?
I really don't...
Lay down when you do this.
Right.
Norm, I got real lucky in town here, and I got to live every comic's dream,
which is
I get to work nonstop, great money, and not have to go on the road.
Yeah, that's great.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
And I was able to do that early, even before radio and stuff.
And I just got really lucky.
Well, I used to host this open mic night, and there was a guy called himself,
like, the
iron-working comedian.
Oh, no.
And this is, like, I want to say early 90s.
But there was jobs.
Well, you know, it's, like, right after the Kinison dice explosion and
everybody in the
world, if you knew a cuss word, you could be a comedian, you know?
And this guy got up and he wrote an opera about the N-word.
And it was just that word sung in a melody.
Oh, my God.
And he did it for a minute and a half.
Wow.
Now, every comic in the room is on the floor, and every audience member is dead
silent.
And which, as you know, someone bombing is the greatest thing you've ever seen,
is it not?
Yes.
Open mics are the funniest things ever.
Do you ever still go?
You ever go?
I should, because they always are the most enjoyable things.
I've gone.
And they might look cruel now, because I've been on TV.
Was the guy white or black that did that?
White.
Oh, my God.
That's why it was so insane.
Yeah.
What, he was a W-word?
Yeah, he was a W-word.
He was an H-word?
Yeah, he was an H-word.
Michael Richard.
The early years.
No, and you're not really, like, I mean, your stand-up's never really been
outrageously dirty.
No.
I mean, you'll say some crazy stuff, but I've never heard you go on a tirade or
anything,
right?
Oh, no, no.
Or are you doing that now?
No, I don't get very dirty.
I mean, I don't, I swear kind of like, whatever, what do you call it, like,
just when you talk.
Yeah, like fleeting.
Yeah, gratuitously, kind of pointlessly, just how people talk.
But I don't do anything dirty.
Do you have a favorite joke that you've ever written?
The top ten.
Oh, Sean has one.
Uh-oh.
That he wrote or didn't know that he does in his act.
Of yours?
No.
Wait, do I?
Then you.
I thought you did.
Oh, no, I don't have a favorite joke of mine.
What's one you like, though?
Norm can't think of any of his jokes right now.
Norm's going to show up and he made it.
Don't worry.
What was one of your first jokes?
Oh, my first joke is awful.
Well, let's hear it.
It was really bad.
It was dirty?
Yeah, no, I mean, I guess kind of the topic is dirty, but it's a clean, dirty
joke.
Go ahead.
If we have to dump it, we will.
It was about Rocky 4.
Yes.
Or Rocky 5.
It was about Rocky 5.
Jesus.
It was about Rocky 5.
He's young.
Yeah.
I was actually Rocky 2.
That puts it in perspective.
It was about Rocky 5 and how he bare-knuckle-boxed Tommy the Machine Gun, which
is Tommy Morrison.
Yeah.
And how that guy has AIDS.
Yeah.
So, you know that old saying, when you bare-knuckle-box someone, you're bare-knuckle-boxing
everyone.
That's a bare-knuckle-box.
That's a great joke.
Way better than the first joke I ever wrote.
Yeah.
Oh, it was horrible.
The Snickers joke.
My girlfriend, literally, I used to open one.
This is so bad.
My girl, I'm sorry if I seem like I'm in a bad mood, but my girlfriend just
broke off with
me because she said I couldn't satisfy her, so I bought her a box of Snickers
bars because
they really satisfy me.
That's my first joke.
I like how you have to say the end.
Yeah, because they really- I had to explain it.
Did you close with, that's my first joke ever?
Did you bring it back?
I was so lucky, though.
The first time on stage, I did well.
And then the next four times, I just ate a giant, huge, whatever.
Yeah.
But those four times where I bombed, I'll never forget.
I can't remember any other open mic experiences, but those four in a row where
I'm just like,
what am I- why am I- like the third one, you really start to question your own
sanity.
Yeah, I didn't do well for my entire first year of comedy.
I bombed the entire time.
I don't even know why I still do it.
I just bombed so hard.
Norm, have you ever seen a complete meltdown?
Have you seen people down on stage?
I mean, like, that kind of psychotic F-you audience and just somebody walk-
Oh, yeah, where they blame the audience for their lack of-
Oh, you mean other than me?
Yeah, other than you.
I mean, your stories are legendary.
Oh, yeah, I've seen that a lot, yeah.
Yeah.
People really seem to blame the audience.
I saw Hicks, Bill Hicks, in Baltimore at an old club that used to be called Winchester's.
And it was upstairs.
It was a really cool comedy room.
And I was hosting.
I mean, I was so young.
And it was Bill Hicks, man.
You know?
Yeah.
The first show, he's so brilliant.
Like, you're just like, oh, my God.
In between the first and second show, you know what a shaker glass is, bartender
shoes, the
big tin things.
Ice and Crown Royal to the top.
And he just drank the whole thing in between the two shows and then took
another one on stage.
And I'm not making this up.
The place used to hold, like, 191 people.
It was sold out.
He did not leave until it was me, him, the waitstaff, and the owner left on
stage.
He made everybody walk.
Like, you hear guys walk a room.
He literally walked everyone.
And as the last person left, he said, you should be ashamed of yourself for
sitting through this
for as long as you did.
He slammed the mic down and walked back to the bar, sat down and looked at the
owner and
went, you don't have to pay me for that.
It was so insane.
Did you ever meet him?
No.
Yes.
Did you see the documentary?
I'm sorry, I did.
No, I didn't see the documentary.
You should see it.
Yeah.
I think you'd like it, yeah.
What documentary?
It's called American, the Bill Hicks story.
Oh, did you know that?
I know, I know.
I didn't know that.
Yeah, it's really cool.
It's really cool.
It's pretty awesome.
I'm not sure you've even heard of Bill Hicks.
Who?
Who's this guy?
Shut up.
You know who Bill Hicks is.
I didn't know who he was until I started working with you.
Yeah, but you're not smart.
They are.
I'm glad to hear that we're actually still
still doing our city show.
Hey, Norm, you still do Burt Reynolds?
Uh, no.
Come on.
Greatest impression in the history of Burt Reynolds.
I didn't like doing Burt Reynolds.
Why?
Because when I was young, he was the coolest guy.
I still think he is.
I used to watch him, and I loved Smokey and the Bandit.
See?
Greg.
You see this kid right here?
Explain to him.
He's leaving.
No, no, no.
Get over to the microphone, Greg.
We had this discussion two weeks ago.
He doesn't like Smokey and the Bandit?
I told him you're not a man unless you think that's one of the top five movies
ever made.
And he totally doesn't get the movie.
Doesn't like the car.
Doesn't like anything.
That's unbelievable.
What'd you call the car?
You said something.
You said something.
Own the microphone, Dom Dom.
Let's go.
I said it looked like a car from Dundalk.
I said it's the same ones that are, you know, I don't know.
Like a white, trashy.
It's Trans Am.
Come on.
It's the coolest.
I know, Norm.
There's no response.
I guess it's cool.
The hero of Bubba Watson is going to bring to the Masters next year?
No joke?
Oh, what?
Apparently, he owns General Lee from Dukes of Hazzard.
Oh, really?
Bubba Watson is going to show up in the General Lee.
That's what they say.
Everybody's worried because, you know, the Masters guys, they're in enough
trouble.
They don't want the General Leadership.
Yeah, they don't actually want the flag.
As much as they'd love to fly it.
It's bad enough they've got to let Tiger in the front door.
You think they're going to want the General Lee?
You ever had a joke about when Tiger goes to Augusta, you know, he's just
driving through Georgia, you know?
Yeah.
This was a guy that told me this, a Southern guy that told me this.
He said, man, Tiger, come up to Augusta, and he's just driving by and wanting
to play a practice round.
So he goes, and the guy at the front, he's a good old boy, you know, the guard.
And he says, listen now, he says, you can't play here at Augusta now.
If you want to play, there's a public course down.
He goes, it's about a four-iron down the road.
Tiger says, don't you know who I am?
I'm Tiger Woods.
I'm sorry, the fella says.
It's about an eight-iron.
Sean, Norm, you guys okay?
I can turn the music down.
What's the matter, Norm?
I got it, I got it, I got it.
What did you think?
I thought I lost my phone.
That's the worst, didn't it?
You guys are both working on your phones.
Yeah, I lost my keys earlier today.
What do you have keys for?
You don't even have a car?
Oh, yeah, your house.
So they're gone.
Do you live in Hollywood, or where do you live out there?
I live in, yeah, well, Santa Monica, it's called.
Yeah.
I've heard of it.
He lives in Hollywood.
Sean lives in Hollywood.
I do live in Hollywood.
What part?
Hollywood.
Downtown?
I live right above downtown.
Yeah.
Yeah, I live in an Armenian neighborhood.
Well, that's not bad if it's the Kardashian one.
Oh, yeah.
I have a feeling it's not that one.
It is not that one.
They're definitely as hairy, but they love yelling at them.
Remember in the good old days when you could just call them gypsies?
Now, Sean, I mean, you said you knew one of our friends, Justin Daniels, who
works here
at 98 Rock.
How did he end up in a really nice suburb of, like, Burbank, and you're in,
like, hell?
Oh, I have no idea.
I guess he had this sweet radio gig.
And he has a girlfriend that works really hard.
Yeah, you have a girlfriend that's helping you out?
Yeah, I have a girlfriend.
I have a girlfriend.
She works at a...
He's going to ma