Name: Norm Macdonald on The Herd with Colin Cowherd (2015) Full Interview
Uploaded: 2020-08-30T23:32:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on The Herd with Colin Cowherd (2015) Full Interview' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on The Herd with Colin Cowherd (2015) Full Interview' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-30. Transcript available.

Well, if you've watched my show for years, you know I love stand-up comedy, and
I've said multiple occasions.
The two people who I think are the great stand-ups of my life are Gary Shandling,
who just passed away, and Norm Macdonald.
He's a comedian, an actor, a writer, a producer. He's got a new book called
Norm Macdonald, based on a true story.
Just met him before we went on the air. An absolute career high for me.
Let's bring in Norm Macdonald. Let's bring him in.
Look at him. Run to the stage.
Yeah, baby.
What are you drinking there?
Oh, just coffee.
Okay.
I think this is the first time we had someone bring their own coffee.
The person behind me.
It's odd. We're going to figure this out. Pull that mic up.
Directly behind me.
It's interesting.
I asked for some cans, but they didn't give me any.
Cans?
Yeah.
Of beer?
Yeah, what business are you in? They're headphones, but people in the biz, they
call them cans.
You are beloved by comedians. Does that mean more to you?
Would you say, okay, I'm going to do a stand-up for the next year, I'm going to
bomb everywhere, but comedians will love me?
What matters more to you?
No, I don't want to bomb.
I would take the not bombing option.
Yes.
You would rather get critical acclaim elsewhere.
Yeah, I don't really care what comedians think.
I mean, you know, if it's a really great comedian, I like it.
Like Letterman, you cry.
Yeah, if Letterman likes you, then that's a huge thing.
But yeah, so Letterman was sort of my Johnny Carson, you know?
And my plan was to go on Johnny Carson and be his last comic that he anointed,
you know what I mean?
Sure.
It went like that, too.
Because he did it to Leno.
He did it to Letterman.
He did it to Seinfeld.
Exactly.
So I knew he had eight months left or something.
And so I went to move to Los Angeles for this reason.
And I said, I'm going to be his last guest.
And then there was this guy that booked the show named Jim McCauley.
And God, the first time I went up, he comes up after and goes, I didn't like
you, but I'm drunk.
I'm really drunk.
And then the next time I was doing it, I look over and he's necking with a girl.
So I'm like, oh, this is going bad.
And then so afterwards he goes, you know what?
You're a Jay comic, like more than a Johnny comic.
Well, you were huge with Jay.
That means anything, you know?
So Jay was doing Monday night, like he was guest hosting at the time.
But he was going to replace Johnny.
Everybody knew it.
And then Jim McCauley goes, yeah, you're a Jay comic, not a Johnny comic.
So that, of course, is meaningless.
So I'm like, no, I think I'm a Johnny comic.
That's what all my friends tell me.
Everybody crafts a joke differently.
Like, do you craft them better after, you know, you smoke something, you drink
something by yourself in a group?
Like, where does it emanate from?
When are you at your best comedic writing moments?
Directly before the show, like within that half hour before the show.
And then when I'm on stage.
So you're just making it up, basically.
Yeah.
But like, I'll have a very good idea, you know?
So you go on Letterman and you don't know every joke you're playing?
On Letterman?
Yes.
No.
Well, what I used to do, I thought, you know, he wouldn't let me on anymore.
But, you know, you have to do pre-interviews on these shows.
You have to tell a guy all your funny stories.
And then he goes and tells Letterman.
And that's funny.
And then you've got to tell, you know, he's already heard the story.
So anyways, I would make up a whole thing, you know, and then Letterman would
go, you know,
I understand you have a cat.
And I go, I got a little cat.
You know, but one time I was, you know, in Austin and I tell another different
story.
So, and then he got a kick out of that.
And then after a while, I didn't have to do any pre-interviews.
Okay.
I have an idea for a joke.
Oh, you have an idea.
I'm not funny.
But I have a...
I love you.
I think you are funny.
Not really.
And I love this show.
Okay.
Are you ready to hear this?
Yes.
Now, I can't do this joke.
So my staff has actually warned me not to do this with you.
They said he's...
It's true.
They've all said, he's a legend.
You're an idiot, Colin.
No.
Don't do this.
I've been warned by everybody.
I have a premise for a joke.
Yeah.
You believe in it.
So why would you listen to your staff?
That's a great question, Norm.
Do you have staff, too?
Well, I had staff a couple of months ago.
So here's the premise.
I think I had MRSA, too.
Oh, no.
I had so much antibiotics flowing through me.
I was like...
Anyways.
So I'm sitting with my cat.
So this is the joke.
You're sitting with your cat?
The other day I'm watching a football game.
You're watching a football game, yeah.
And I thought to myself, don't make fun of me.
This is hard for me with Norm.
So I'm sitting with my cat and I'm watching football.
Yeah.
And I'm thinking, she didn't look happy.
And I thought, because we just got rid of a dog, and I thought, wouldn't it be
terrible
if you were a cat and you were depressed?
Because you have the ability to climb virtually anywhere to the tallest peak.
Right.
But if you try to jump and commit suicide, you'll always land on your feet.
That's funny.
That's not the worst thing you've ever heard.
Oh, no, no.
I think that would work.
I could take that joke.
You could make that funny.
Sure.
I'll put that in my next special.
You will not.
Yes, I will.
You would put that in your next special?
Sure.
Because it's a funny idea.
I've made the argument, everybody has about seven years to be the funniest guy
on the planet.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Mike Myers, Jim Carrey, Will Ferrell.
Then they have a third house and a fourth Lexus, and they're not funny anymore.
Well, that makes sense.
Yeah.
Comfort is the enemy of comedy.
That makes complete sense.
Comfort.
Funny is eight kids in a small house in Yonkers.
Bel Air is obnoxious.
Yes.
So wealth is the enemy of comedy.
That makes complete sense.
Yeah, I agree with that.
And also being content, which I guess wealth brings you.
You're never content?
No.
Why?
No, I was trying to work on stand-up comedy,
like trying to make it perfect.
You know, I know I never will, but...
So are you tortured?
I don't know.
I'm always sort of ahead of my material, you know what I mean?
So if I do like a special, like, I don't like any of those,
I wish that wasn't out because I'm already better, you know what I mean?
Because I just keep getting better and better
because I do so many, you know, hundreds of hours a year compared to everyone
else.
Oh, you do?
Oh, yeah.
You do more stand-up?
Oh, yeah.
You're just non-stop?
Like, I have to do a special for Netflix,
and, you know, I'm going to have trouble, like, picking the hour
because I got eight or nine hours of material, you know?
So when I go on stage, like my dream always was,
I go on stage and just talk to the audience.
Whatever subject they bring up, I already have a bit on it.
You know what I mean?
So I just speak to them.
So if I threw something at you.
Like a cat.
Like you say you have a cat.
I go, I got a cat, too.
But, you know, he's suicidal.
And when he jumps off a bridge, he lands on his feet every time.
And that makes him more sad.
And it's a vicious cycle, you know?
See, he made it funny.
I don't think he likes watching football anyway.
Like, he'd probably like to watch a show about a mouse.
Like, cats love to eat mouses.
And dogs like to eat cats.
I don't know why I'm explaining the food chain to you.
You literally have a joke for everything.
No, not yet.
But that's my dream, you know?
I would think most of your observational, right?
I mean, if you're on the road, there's a lot of material.
You know, Seinfeld always calls it the comedic jet stream.
Seattle, Minneapolis, Boston, Chicago, New York.
And when I used to watch Last Comic Standing, northern cities were funnier.
Because it's cold and miserable.
Uh-huh, yes.
Like, are there cities that you've gone to and you're like, it's not as good?
Like, the south is not as good.
Definitely.
The south is not as good.
No.
It's like a different country.
And then what happened to me in the south when I was going to go there and do
stand-up,
there'd be a big fat guy.
First of all, everyone's a big fat guy.
The whole, yeah.
Yeah, and they get the girls.
Like, there'd be a beautiful girl with a big fat guy.
And so, anyways, the middle, the opening act for me, a big fat guy would come
out and destroy.
And then I would go out with a little tie.
This was back in the 80s, a thin tie.
And then everybody would, you know, yell at me and questioning my sexual
preferences.
And so then about, like, the second night, the owner would come up and go, how
about we switch the order and let that big fat guy go on last?
And I go, do I get the same money?
He go, yeah.
I go, yeah, of course, let's do that.
There was one guy in the south, his name was James Gregory.
Now, this shows you we've never heard of James Gregory, right?
Never.
And so they said, I was in the south, they go, do you mind if James Gregory
goes on?
I go, no, I don't mind.
And then I'm just sitting around, I look at the menu, and it's like the James
Gregory hamburger.
And, like, all the food was James Gregory's name on it.
And then there was a thing on the top that had a caricature of his face, a
James Gregory, the funniest man in the world.
So, which is pretty ballsy, right?
And then that's how the guy announces him, the funniest guy in the world.
Then he goes on, and sure enough, he's the funniest guy in the world.
And then I have to go on, and I just suck, you know?
And I'm like, and so the guy's like, how about that James Gregory goes up again?
I'm like, oh, no.
Let him, you know, can't he just get his hamburger money?
Norm's book is Norm MacDonald based on a true story.
A memoir.
A memoir.
Yeah.
So you can kind of tell your life.
Yes.
But what I found quickly when you examine your life, you know, someone once
said, like, I saw Elvis Presley.
A man once said that a life unexamined is not worth living.
Socrates said it.
Right.
But when you examine your life, oh, that's not fun.
So I tried to think, what do I do, you know?
And then I came to the realization that, like, I wake up, I eat my Count Chocula,
and then I'm like, pretty soon after that, I'm like, what am I going to get for
lunch?
You know?
And so I go and get a ham sandwich with cheese, you know?
And then I go, I got to eat this.
You know, and I got to save enough time because I have dinner.
You know, I have dinner coming up.
Right.
And I have to go buy some groceries.
So, anyways, I realized that most of my time in life was spent finding and
consuming food.
The whole book is about that.
That depressed me, you know?
I was like, oh, my God, I shouldn't be spending so much time on that, you know?
And plus, I didn't think it would make for a good read.
But, yeah, most of the stuff you do is just repetition, repetition of habits,
you know?
Feels mundane.
It is mundane.
And I don't have enough story.
You know, they want 300 pages, you know, 100,000 words.
And my life's, you know, only worth 8,000, 9,000 words.
I read every autobiography, and the only good ones were Ben Franklin.
Yeah.
He did one that was to his child, and he was talking to his child.
The autobiography of Malcolm X.
Mm-hmm.
And this one by Rachel Dratch.
No.
No.
Those two, before the Rachel Dratch, those two were the only good ones because
they had so much to say.
Okay, so it's Norm MacDonald based on a true story, a memoir.
This has been an absolute pleasure for me.
Oh, I love you, Colin.
I mean, I know I said that to Letterman.
Now it sounds like I said it to everybody.
But I know I love this show.
I love this set.
It's so cool.
All right, they're telling me I've got to get out of here.
Oh, that's the end?
That's a terrible ending.
Well, no, I don't know.
That's the end of the game.
Often in my show, you know, I know how to do it because I've seen so much stand-up
in the end of your show.
Yeah.
You say a joke, and it gets a big laugh, and then while they're laughing, you
go,
goodnight, everybody, and you run away.
That's the way to do it.
Yeah, that's the best way.
But I, a lot of times, it just fizzles out.
I know.
And I kind of think of it, and I go, I'm tired.
I've got to get me a James Gregory hamburger.
Norm MacDonald.
That's the hurt.

Norm Macdonald on The Herd with Colin Cowherd (2015) Full Interview

Well, if you've watched my show for years, you know I love stand-up comedy, and
I've said multiple occasions.
The two people who I think are the great stand-ups of my life are Gary Shandling,
who just passed away, and Norm Macdonald.
He's a comedian, an actor, a writer, a producer. He's got a new book called
Norm Macdonald, based on a true story.
Just met him before we went on the air. An absolute career high for me.
Let's bring in Norm Macdonald. Let's bring him in.
Look at him. Run to the stage.
Yeah, baby.
What are you drinking there?
Oh, just coffee.
Okay.
I think this is the first time we had someone bring their own coffee.
The person behind me.
It's odd. We're going to figure this out. Pull that mic up.
Directly behind me.
It's interesting.
I asked for some cans, but they didn't give me any.
Cans?
Yeah.
Of beer?
Yeah, what business are you in? They're headphones, but people in the biz, they
call them cans.
You are beloved by comedians. Does that mean more to you?
Would you say, okay, I'm going to do a stand-up for the next year, I'm going to
bomb everywhere, but comedians will love me?
What matters more to you?
No, I don't want to bomb.
I would take the not bombing option.
Yes.
You would rather get critical acclaim elsewhere.
Yeah, I don't really care what comedians think.
I mean, you know, if it's a really great comedian, I like it.
Like Letterman, you cry.
Yeah, if Letterman likes you, then that's a huge thing.
But yeah, so Letterman was sort of my Johnny Carson, you know?
And my plan was to go on Johnny Carson and be his last comic that he anointed,
you know what I mean?
Sure.
It went like that, too.
Because he did it to Leno.
He did it to Letterman.
He did it to Seinfeld.
Exactly.
So I knew he had eight months left or something.
And so I went to move to Los Angeles for this reason.
And I said, I'm going to be his last guest.
And then there was this guy that booked the show named Jim McCauley.
And God, the first time I went up, he comes up after and goes, I didn't like
you, but I'm drunk.
I'm really drunk.
And then the next time I was doing it, I look over and he's necking with a girl.
So I'm like, oh, this is going bad.
And then so afterwards he goes, you know what?
You're a Jay comic, like more than a Johnny comic.
Well, you were huge with Jay.
That means anything, you know?
So Jay was doing Monday night, like he was guest hosting at the time.
But he was going to replace Johnny.
Everybody knew it.
And then Jim McCauley goes, yeah, you're a Jay comic, not a Johnny comic.
So that, of course, is meaningless.
So I'm like, no, I think I'm a Johnny comic.
That's what all my friends tell me.
Everybody crafts a joke differently.
Like, do you craft them better after, you know, you smoke something, you drink
something by yourself in a group?
Like, where does it emanate from?
When are you at your best comedic writing moments?
Directly before the show, like within that half hour before the show.
And then when I'm on stage.
So you're just making it up, basically.
Yeah.
But like, I'll have a very good idea, you know?
So you go on Letterman and you don't know every joke you're playing?
On Letterman?
Yes.
No.
Well, what I used to do, I thought, you know, he wouldn't let me on anymore.
But, you know, you have to do pre-interviews on these shows.
You have to tell a guy all your funny stories.
And then he goes and tells Letterman.
And that's funny.
And then you've got to tell, you know, he's already heard the story.
So anyways, I would make up a whole thing, you know, and then Letterman would
go, you know,
I understand you have a cat.
And I go, I got a little cat.
You know, but one time I was, you know, in Austin and I tell another different
story.
So, and then he got a kick out of that.
And then after a while, I didn't have to do any pre-interviews.
Okay.
I have an idea for a joke.
Oh, you have an idea.
I'm not funny.
But I have a...
I love you.
I think you are funny.
Not really.
And I love this show.
Okay.
Are you ready to hear this?
Yes.
Now, I can't do this joke.
So my staff has actually warned me not to do this with you.
They said he's...
It's true.
They've all said, he's a legend.
You're an idiot, Colin.
No.
Don't do this.
I've been warned by everybody.
I have a premise for a joke.
Yeah.
You believe in it.
So why would you listen to your staff?
That's a great question, Norm.
Do you have staff, too?
Well, I had staff a couple of months ago.
So here's the premise.
I think I had MRSA, too.
Oh, no.
I had so much antibiotics flowing through me.
I was like...
Anyways.
So I'm sitting with my cat.
So this is the joke.
You're sitting with your cat?
The other day I'm watching a football game.
You're watching a football game, yeah.
And I thought to myself, don't make fun of me.
This is hard for me with Norm.
So I'm sitting with my cat and I'm watching football.
Yeah.
And I'm thinking, she didn't look happy.
And I thought, because we just got rid of a dog, and I thought, wouldn't it be
terrible
if you were a cat and you were depressed?
Because you have the ability to climb virtually anywhere to the tallest peak.
Right.
But if you try to jump and commit suicide, you'll always land on your feet.
That's funny.
That's not the worst thing you've ever heard.
Oh, no, no.
I think that would work.
I could take that joke.
You could make that funny.
Sure.
I'll put that in my next special.
You will not.
Yes, I will.
You would put that in your next special?
Sure.
Because it's a funny idea.
I've made the argument, everybody has about seven years to be the funniest guy
on the planet.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Mike Myers, Jim Carrey, Will Ferrell.
Then they have a third house and a fourth Lexus, and they're not funny anymore.
Well, that makes sense.
Yeah.
Comfort is the enemy of comedy.
That makes complete sense.
Comfort.
Funny is eight kids in a small house in Yonkers.
Bel Air is obnoxious.
Yes.
So wealth is the enemy of comedy.
That makes complete sense.
Yeah, I agree with that.
And also being content, which I guess wealth brings you.
You're never content?
No.
Why?
No, I was trying to work on stand-up comedy,
like trying to make it perfect.
You know, I know I never will, but...
So are you tortured?
I don't know.
I'm always sort of ahead of my material, you know what I mean?
So if I do like a special, like, I don't like any of those,
I wish that wasn't out because I'm already better, you know what I mean?
Because I just keep getting better and better
because I do so many, you know, hundreds of hours a year compared to everyone
else.
Oh, you do?
Oh, yeah.
You do more stand-up?
Oh, yeah.
You're just non-stop?
Like, I have to do a special for Netflix,
and, you know, I'm going to have trouble, like, picking the hour
because I got eight or nine hours of material, you know?
So when I go on stage, like my dream always was,
I go on stage and just talk to the audience.
Whatever subject they bring up, I already have a bit on it.
You know what I mean?
So I just speak to them.
So if I threw something at you.
Like a cat.
Like you say you have a cat.
I go, I got a cat, too.
But, you know, he's suicidal.
And when he jumps off a bridge, he lands on his feet every time.
And that makes him more sad.
And it's a vicious cycle, you know?
See, he made it funny.
I don't think he likes watching football anyway.
Like, he'd probably like to watch a show about a mouse.
Like, cats love to eat mouses.
And dogs like to eat cats.
I don't know why I'm explaining the food chain to you.
You literally have a joke for everything.
No, not yet.
But that's my dream, you know?
I would think most of your observational, right?
I mean, if you're on the road, there's a lot of material.
You know, Seinfeld always calls it the comedic jet stream.
Seattle, Minneapolis, Boston, Chicago, New York.
And when I used to watch Last Comic Standing, northern cities were funnier.
Because it's cold and miserable.
Uh-huh, yes.
Like, are there cities that you've gone to and you're like, it's not as good?
Like, the south is not as good.
Definitely.
The south is not as good.
No.
It's like a different country.
And then what happened to me in the south when I was going to go there and do
stand-up,
there'd be a big fat guy.
First of all, everyone's a big fat guy.
The whole, yeah.
Yeah, and they get the girls.
Like, there'd be a beautiful girl with a big fat guy.
And so, anyways, the middle, the opening act for me, a big fat guy would come
out and destroy.
And then I would go out with a little tie.
This was back in the 80s, a thin tie.
And then everybody would, you know, yell at me and questioning my sexual
preferences.
And so then about, like, the second night, the owner would come up and go, how
about we switch the order and let that big fat guy go on last?
And I go, do I get the same money?
He go, yeah.
I go, yeah, of course, let's do that.
There was one guy in the south, his name was James Gregory.
Now, this shows you we've never heard of James Gregory, right?
Never.
And so they said, I was in the south, they go, do you mind if James Gregory
goes on?
I go, no, I don't mind.
And then I'm just sitting around, I look at the menu, and it's like the James
Gregory hamburger.
And, like, all the food was James Gregory's name on it.
And then there was a thing on the top that had a caricature of his face, a
James Gregory, the funniest man in the world.
So, which is pretty ballsy, right?
And then that's how the guy announces him, the funniest guy in the world.
Then he goes on, and sure enough, he's the funniest guy in the world.
And then I have to go on, and I just suck, you know?
And I'm like, and so the guy's like, how about that James Gregory goes up again?
I'm like, oh, no.
Let him, you know, can't he just get his hamburger money?
Norm's book is Norm MacDonald based on a true story.
A memoir.
A memoir.
Yeah.
So you can kind of tell your life.
Yes.
But what I found quickly when you examine your life, you know, someone once
said, like, I saw Elvis Presley.
A man once said that a life unexamined is not worth living.
Socrates said it.
Right.
But when you examine your life, oh, that's not fun.
So I tried to think, what do I do, you know?
And then I came to the realization that, like, I wake up, I eat my Count Chocula,
and then I'm like, pretty soon after that, I'm like, what am I going to get for
lunch?
You know?
And so I go and get a ham sandwich with cheese, you know?
And then I go, I got to eat this.
You know, and I got to save enough time because I have dinner.
You know, I have dinner coming up.
Right.
And I have to go buy some groceries.
So, anyways, I realized that most of my time in life was spent finding and
consuming food.
The whole book is about that.
That depressed me, you know?
I was like, oh, my God, I shouldn't be spending so much time on that, you know?
And plus, I didn't think it would make for a good read.
But, yeah, most of the stuff you do is just repetition, repetition of habits,
you know?
Feels mundane.
It is mundane.
And I don't have enough story.
You know, they want 300 pages, you know, 100,000 words.
And my life's, you know, only worth 8,000, 9,000 words.
I read every autobiography, and the only good ones were Ben Franklin.
Yeah.
He did one that was to his child, and he was talking to his child.
The autobiography of Malcolm X.
Mm-hmm.
And this one by Rachel Dratch.
No.
No.
Those two, before the Rachel Dratch, those two were the only good ones because
they had so much to say.
Okay, so it's Norm MacDonald based on a true story, a memoir.
This has been an absolute pleasure for me.
Oh, I love you, Colin.
I mean, I know I said that to Letterman.
Now it sounds like I said it to everybody.
But I know I love this show.
I love this set.
It's so cool.
All right, they're telling me I've got to get out of here.
Oh, that's the end?
That's a terrible ending.
Well, no, I don't know.
That's the end of the game.
Often in my show, you know, I know how to do it because I've seen so much stand-up
in the end of your show.
Yeah.
You say a joke, and it gets a big laugh, and then w