Name: Norm Macdonald on the Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno (Dec 1999) "The perfect stocking stuffer"
Uploaded: 2022-01-01T19:11:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on the Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno (Dec 1999) "The perfect stocking stuffer"' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on the Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno (Dec 1999) "The perfect stocking stuffer"' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-01. Transcript available.

that is the fastest entrance i've ever seen anyone make right that was the
fastest entrance you got
from point a to point b in like a middle i went no and you're here i know it's
only nine feet away
wow hey what's up man not too much not too much yeah i'm gonna go to holiday
season have you
finished your christmas shopping uh yeah i've shopped for almost everything i
do it on the uh
the uh dot uh mla e uh bay i don't know yeah whatever it is the computer you go
on the computer
you shop on the computer yeah yeah they just uh take your credit card you know
and then they send
you uh stuff you don't have to go out and christmas shop oh you don't you don't
like you don't like to
go to the malls huh don't like the malls do you no well i i i kind of like the
malls sometimes you
know you know what's fun to do at the malls uh if you want to be popular with
the young kids in the
malls yeah give them give them free cigarettes really they think you're like
the coolest guy in
the world oh yeah yeah just tossing out cartons of old gold yeah yeah i i'm
shopping for a lot of
things this year i i had trouble last year because i got you ever get a gift
you know uh for a dude
your friend you know and uh then uh your gift that you get him like is way
worse than a gift he got
you yeah like last year my friend ben johnson man that guy give me a uh one of
them laser disc uh
whole laser disc thing oh so like a dvd player yeah yeah with all that dvd that
yeah not laser disc
and uh it was really cool you know and i felt happy and then i realized that he
was about to
my gift i got him a chia head right oh yeah so i knew it was horrible i didn't
realize that he
liked me so much more than i liked him right yeah that's certainly a sign of
liking someone yeah
spending more money on them well you know and uh i i got i always used to get a
lottery tickets but
then i stopped doing that because yeah you know i figure you go you just get a
lottery ticket and it
seems like a good gift even though it's nothing at all you know right it seems
like it could be
something yeah yeah but you don't want it to be something the last thing you
want guy to win you
know what i mean oh yeah yeah you don't want you want to be like a number off
yeah exactly nine eight
oh that would be perfect one time i remember my dad my my aunt always uh i don't
know if this is
funny or not but my aunt always i should think about it before i get out of
here yeah it'd be nice
just a little bit but my aunt always got her lottery tickets every week you
know and she always had
her numbers she always played the same numbers and uh one week there she couldn't
get to the store
and uh my dad said uh uh well what the hell is the difference you know if you
don't get it one week
she goes oh no well those are my numbers and i wouldn't want uh uh these are my
lucky numbers and i
wouldn't want to not do it this week and then the numbers come up well yeah and
then my father said
well if that happened they wouldn't be your lucky numbers
you know i i never thought it would that way yes kind of a wise old sage your
dad
i see you've got much of your influence and wisdom from your father he's a very
wise man
he's yeah he's the guy that told me no matter how bad things get you can always
drink whiskey
you know those old canadian homilies yeah they're fascinating fascinating what
do you want for
christmas do you know what you want you seem like a man at the top of his game
you got a tv show you
got a lovely son what do you want is there something you want for christmas
sure all right yeah let's
pick christmas okay i wasn't thinking christmas i just asked if there's
something you want but all
right let's say for christmas i'd love to get and i've never gotten this and i
think it's
the perfect gift is a christmas tree why can't you just go out and buy a tree
exactly but why can't
somebody give me one that's what i need at christmas that's what i really need
yeah hey i thought of
the perfect uh stocking stuffer what's that a human leg really a human leg that
would be uh fine
yeah yeah that'd be nice a lovely gift lovely lovely it would fit perfectly i
guess you're right
depending on the sign how about new year's eve do you have plans or well new
year's eve i always try
to make a resolution i made a couple of resolutions last year they they panned
out you know they did
well that's very good what i try to do with my resolutions jays and i think a
lot of people make
this mistake they'll overreach yeah you don't want it not bad you know they'll
say i want to lose 50
pounds well come on you know what i mean you're not gonna lose 50 pounds or uh
oh i'm gonna be good
to people something you know what i mean get good to people that's ridiculous
wow so i like to just have a thing that i know i'm gonna you can attain yes so
my last year i
figured uh my last year's resolution get a haircut get a haircut yeah so i got
a haircut
all right and uh my other resolution was uh watch that show uh run away with
the rich and famous
but you couldn't bring yourself to do that one i watched one man it was still
on it was on last year
it was on it was i saw it like two months ago was it in canada no no it was
here they had uh it's it's
you know uh you know uh lifestyles of the rich and right right this is like an
offshoot it's called
run away with the rich and famous oh this is like you take the money from rich
people and then you run
away no no no no you run away like run away to a getaway let's go to the the
famous you know a
nice uh a spa a spa with a famous dude okay like i saw one day show no no no no
the camera crew
grows with the oh i see it's not two guys run away and then go to a spa no no
it's robin leach
goes and he goes you know and so he'll go here we are in lovely barbados it has
sunshine i can't do
robin leach you know really it has it has sunshine i'll try a little bit of
doing norm it has it has
sunshine and everything everything but tony danza and then they show tony danza
comes in
was tony on the uh on the rich he was on runaway with the richmond family
but this year for my uh because i'm changing my resolution this year because of
the upcoming y2k
catastrophe oh yeah that i figure i'll wipe out a lot of the earth really you
think so so you
so my resolution this year is don't let anybody into my bunker no matter how
long they hit on the
door really just keep it sealed no it's for me yeah maybe i'll let my son now
when you started out
did you have it rough in show business initially i know you don't come from a
wealthy family i come
from a wealthy family i say you know i know you don't come from a wealthy
family dirt poor and i still
i feel for poor people sometimes you know when i lived in new york there was a
lot of them homeless
dudes you know that the mayor getting in trouble there with the homeless sure
mayor giuliani with
the home and i had my experience with a homeless bum there i i would never give
money to the homeless
bums there on account of the homeless bums and uh because my mom always said
don't give it to
them they'll just use the money for crack yeah and i figured you know you know
i don't want to give money
and then they'll the homeless guys do crack with it that's terrible right and
also it uh saves me a few
bucks right and at the end of your life i that could add up to maybe like a
thousand dollars if you don't
give if you never give money to a homeless guy right right it adds up anyway so
but i saw this one time
it was it was christmas uh uh you know time and i said there's a homeless bum
there i said to myself
why don't i instead of giving this guy money all he's gonna do is buy crack buy
crack again yeah
why not just feed the guy bring him into a nice restaurant that's very admirable
and there was a
diner near my place and the prices were reasonable so it wasn't gonna put me
out too much i i took a
homeless guy said i'm gonna take you to this diner that i always go to so i go
there with him you know
into this diner sit down uh to get me a meal good god if the guy uh the the unbearable
stench of urine
starts coming off this guy so nobody wants that in a restaurant no you know you
don't want that so i'm
like all right everybody's like trying to eat you know so the guy who orders
his food and i'm trying to
talk to him he starts telling me about how this is his idea of a conversation
this guy starts telling
me about how governor rockefeller is poisoning the pigeons right in the city so
i tell this guy i go
what are you retarded i said governor rockefeller i said the governor of the
state is pataki governor
pataki he says no no you know he talked weird he was like the pigeon he says
the pigeons are cleanest
what are you ever seen i go i'm not arguing with you buddy but i'm telling you
the governor's name
is pataki it's unbelievable he's crazy he wasn't turned out he wasn't retarded
he was you know
well at least you were sensitive to that and i think that's important he's a
good man though
and he and now you're hosting what is your hosting next month the some kind of
music
american music awards with dick clark well that seems that guy's a young
looking guy you seen him
he looks good he looks very good holy lord god i asked him if i could get some
of his blood to drink
maybe that would make me young too yeah he does well norm your show was on uh
wednesday nights on
abc norm mcdonald norm thank you very much
norm mcdonald be right back with mf davis right after this
i was just