Name: Norm Macdonald on the Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno (Sep 1999) "You have to memorize them all"
Uploaded: 2022-05-09T00:29:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on the Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno (Sep 1999) "You have to memorize them all"' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on the Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno (Sep 1999) "You have to memorize them all"' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-09. Transcript available.

-On ABC, please welcome our buddy, Norm MacDonald!
-You have a theme and everything. -Oh, yeah.
That was funny. When you said Pee Wee Herman,
everybody laughed 'cause they still think of him.
-Well, never mind.
-'Cause he's trying to get his career back on, but...
-Oh, he's doing fine.
-No, I have no problem.
Actually, what I think what he did in that movie theater,
because it was a dirty movie theater,
I think it was kind of like just applause.
You know what I mean? Like in a regular...
But it's funny, everybody still remembers that,
even though he's trying to get his career back.
-Yes, yes, yes.
And he'll appreciate you bringing it up.
-So, I'm sure.
-Now, how was your summer going, huh?
-Oh, great, man. -Summer's going well?
What are you doing? What have you been up to?
What are you doing? You're a big star, you got a TV show.
What kind of hip celebrity things do you do?
-I've been doing kind of like celebrity...
I played celebrity softball with Kevin.
-Yeah. -Remember that?
-That was cool, man.
Your buddy got hurt, right?
-That's right. My buddy got hurt, man.
And my buddy, Artie, right?
And he was sliding into third base,
and he, like, cracked his ankle.
He broke his ankle.
So then there was this other jackass on our team.
This guy from Baywatch, remember that dude?
And so he thought it was, like, a joke.
So he started, like, fake-humping my buddy.
My buddy's like, "Aah!"
-Oh, man, huh? -But then I went in a...
I'm doing a lot of celebrity stuff.
-Yeah. -And I went in a celebrity golf tournament.
-You play golf, yeah?
-Yeah, I suck at it, though. I'm real bad.
But because I'm a celebrity, as you know,
I get to play, right?
-Yeah. So you play with, like, civilians?
People pay big money to get a chance to play with you?
-Yeah, to get a chance to play with me.
And it's, like, me-- this is how it works.
It's me, I'm the celebrity, as you know,
the golf pro, and then this businessman
that spends a lot of money to get the celebrity.
And so I go to the-- they show me where to go, right?
To meet my club pro and my famous business--
I mean, my businessman.
And so then I go there, and the businessman's there,
and he's talking to me, and he goes,
"Hey," he goes, "I wonder who our celebrity is, right?"
So it's very embarrassing when you have to identify yourself
as the celebrity, right?
It's horrible.
So I'm like, "No, no, I'm a celebrity, right?"
He goes, "You are?"
And I go, "Yeah, no, I swear to God, I am, right?"
And so it was horrible, like, as we're playing golf,
he's-- you know, I'm trying to convince him.
And then, meanwhile, the guy up in the next--
the businessman up in the next hole in front of us,
he had Chachi, you know?
Chachi? Chachi?
Scott Bale.
Scott Bale.
No, Chachi.
Yeah, yeah.
I couldn't remember his name,
and this dude couldn't either,
but he's like, "Hey, Chachi!"
He's all excited, 'cause that's why he paid all the money,
to see an actual celebrity.
Yeah, and he's got me, and he's like,
he keeps looking, "Hey, man, that's Chachi, right?"
And, uh, so I just want to make him feel like--
so I go, "Yeah, I know him.
You know, I don't know him, really."
But I want the famous businessman
to get something out of this for his money, right?
He's getting all that dough, yeah.
So I'm like, "Oh, yeah, yeah, I know Chachi."
I go, "He's actually, he's shy in real life,
just making up stuff, you know?"
So then we get clogged up.
The 16th's an island green,
so, you know, people get clogged up at the hole.
When you know it, I'm sitting, "There's Chachi."
So the businessman, "Hey, can you introduce me to Chachi, right?"
And we still don't know the guy's real name.
So I can't say, "Hey, businessman, Chachi," you know?
So I had to go and whisper to Chachi.
It was a horrible moment, but I had to go,
"Listen, man, the guy doesn't know I'm a--
really doesn't even believe I'm a celebrity.
I don't know your name."
I mean, it was a horrible thing.
But it turned out all right,
-and everybody had a good time. - Turned out great.
And we went and visited some sick kids,
and they didn't recognize me either.
It was horrible.
I was like a sick child,
and I'm, like, wasting his last precious moments
trying to describe what I am.
It was horrible.
It's nice to see you're doing a lot of good in the world.
I'm trying.
I need to become a bigger celebrity.
Yeah.
-You're from Canada in Canada. -I want to become big enough,
a big enough celebrity where, where, like,
I can get a liver right away if I need a liver ever.
You know what I mean?
Where I'm not going to be on no waiting list.
I just be, "That guy gets a liver," you know?
Once I get that famous,
I'm going to start boozing, you know?
Getting people to punch me in the liver and everything.
But you're a big celebrity in Canada.
That's your home country.
-Oh, yeah, yeah. -Oh, many Canadians, sure.
-Yeah, yeah. -See, in Canada, you're huge.
Yeah, I'm somewhat, no, I'm not real huge,
but I'm a bit of a celebrity there, yeah.
So what did you do when you first moved to the U.S.?
Well, what was, like, one of the first things?
The first thing I did, I did this show,
"International Star Search."
You know the show "Star Search" with Ed McMahon?
He had this one "International Star Search."
So I went on that, and I was from Canada, you know?
I represented Canada. -Yeah, sure.
And then I was on against a dude from Africa
and another dude from Australia.
-Right. -And, man, I sucked.
I was horrible, you know?
And the dude, they were, like, super international, you know?
They were, like, the guy from Africa
had, like, a whole tribal thing, a robe.
-Like a dashiki, the whole thing. -Yeah, and he had a hat.
-Right.
Same with the guy from Australia.
He had, like, a safari thing and a hat.
And I didn't have a hat.
And also...
-Were you supposed to do material about your country?
-Yeah, you were supposed to do it about Canada.
I didn't realize until I got there.
And my jokes all sucked, you know?
And, uh, oh, my God.
Everybody, nobody laughed.
And not even Ed McMahon, he didn't even laugh.
-Yeah, Ed laughs at anything.
-I know, that's the guy's job.
-Well, you know, we called Ed,
and Ed was kind enough to send us...
-Oh, you got that thing.
-No, we have... -No, I don't want to see that.
-Oh, here, take a look. No, no.
-No, I hate that. -No, look, it's good.
Take a look. Here you are.
-A USA welcome to Norm MacDonald.
-Thanks, good to be here.
I'm, uh, feeling great.
Uh, I finally quit smoking, you know?
So I'm feeling pretty good about that.
I, uh, I smoke ever since I was a kid,
so it's kind of tough for me, you know?
I remember once I was eight years old,
a little kid behind my garage,
sneaking a cigarette back there,
and my dad caught me.
He hauled me in, I thought I was in
for the strap into my life, you know?
What he did is he pulled out a big cigar.
Must have been half the size of my arm,
this giant cigar.
Stuck it in my mouth, lit it up,
made me smoke it.
All the way through, right to the end.
And that's when I started smoking cigars real happy.
Four, four, four, four!
What was your numerical score, do you remember?
Uh, it sounds-- I got three-quarters of a star.
-Oh! -
There was four-- I figured out how it happened.
There was four judges.
Three of them must have given me one,
and one dirty bastard gave me zero.
And I think it was that Robin Leach son of a bitch.
You know, there's a lot of those self-hating Canadians.
Now, tell us about "The Norm Show."
You look like you're having fun.
Oh, yeah, "The Norm Show," yeah,
that's on the TV, it's, uh, uh--
-Now, you know something? -It's called "Norm" now.
-Norm, the "Norm Show." -They had to change it.
Do you have trouble memorizing your lines?
-Sometimes when I watch-- -Yeah, I suck so bad at that.
-Oh, yeah, yeah. -I'm the worst.
-Do you try? -First, they were gonna call--
this is a weird thing, they were gonna call the dude Dave,
the guy I played Dave, the character Dave.
-Right. -And I could never--
every time a dude said-- another dude in the scene went,
"Hey, Dave," I-- I wouldn't even look, you know?
- -And then they go, "Cut, they're wasting all this money,"
you know, so then finally the director goes,
"Can't we just call him Norm?" You know?
But, uh, yeah, no memorizing, holy Lord.
Every script probably has, like, six, seven hundred words in it.
-Right. -And you-- you have to memorize them all in order.
-Oh, in order. -Yeah.
-It's horrible. -Oh, that's tough, yeah.
-And I'm just used to talking like you, you know,
just showing up being a jackass. -Just talk.
-No, no, no, no, I didn't mean you, Jay,
but me, I'm used to-- -No, I understand.
-No, I didn't mean you, I meant me. -Sure, sure.
-But I'm just used to going out talking and being, you know,
you know, doing my stand-up, and you don't have to memorize
everything word for word. -Yeah, yeah.
-You know what I mean? -Well, I'm--
-And I don't have a paper in front of me.
-No, right, right.
It's a-- no, but you-- you have a-- you have a--
but see, it's blank. There's nothing on there.
It's a blank piece of paper. Look at that, you see that?
You know what I want to ask you about?
I read-- 'cause you play a social worker on this show.
-Oh, yeah. -And I read some social workers
were pro-- they had-- they were protesting you.
-Yeah, yeah, the actual social workers showed up and protested.
'Cause when we-- when I-- we wrote the show,
like, I-- I wrote a lot of the show,
and I don't know anything about social work.
And a lot of people told me, "Hey, you should research."
And I said, "Wow, how boring would that be, you know?"
So, I just, you know, I just pretend I was a social worker,
and now they're protesting, but, you know,
they're only social workers, they're not that dangerous.
It's not like--
No, I mean, you know, if it was like "The Sopranos,"
it'd be, like, mob dudes that show up.
Third Rock, it'd be horrible space aliens protesting,
you know, that could eat you.
-They're harmless, social workers. -Yeah, they're harmless,
unless you're a--
-Well, the show is very funny, and it's a big hit.
-Yeah. -Congratulations.
-I didn't mean you were a jackass. -That's fine, I am a jackass.
Norm Macdonald, ladies and gentlemen.
Right back with Jason Biggs, right after this.