Name: Norm Macdonald Stand Up at Yuk Yuks - Comedy Club Network
Uploaded: 2022-05-31T19:24:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Stand Up at Yuk Yuks - Comedy Club Network' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Stand Up at Yuk Yuks - Comedy Club Network' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-31. Transcript available.

You ever play to lotteries?
Yeah!
Yeah, I've never played them.
You ever get a lottery ticket, somebody give it to you as a gift, like for
Christmas or something?
I always thought that was the weirdest gift to give somebody, a lottery ticket,
you know?
So here you go. Nothing.
That's nothing at all there.
From me to you, a worthless hunk of cardboard.
But that's all it is, unless it pays off, you know?
And that'd be worse, imagine giving a guy a lottery ticket for Christmas, it
wins.
You call a guy from like a week later and go, "Yeah, what's that bill?"
"Yeah, I remember that ticket I gave you."
"14 million bucks, huh?"
"Yeah."
Well, Merry Christmas to you then.
What did you get me again?
Oh, you had a cup.
Oh, that was some cup too, wasn't it?
Guess no chance of that cup skyrocketing in value in the next little while, is
there?
You dirty dog!
I'm trying to quit smoking now, that's tough, man, because I smoked it when I
was a kid, you know?
I remember one time, I was young, I was like 11, and I was behind my garage, I
was sneaking a cigarette back here.
My dad caught me.
He hauled me in, I thought I was in for the strapping of my life.
What he did is he pulled out his big cigar, must have been half the size of my
arm, his cigar.
Stuck it in my mouth, lit it up, made me smoke it all the way through, right to
the end.
That's when I started smoking cigars real heavy.
That plan didn't work out too good there.
There was a time he caught me smoking a joint.
Injected me with heroin that time, he pulled out his...
He was strict, that's what I'm trying to say, he was a strict man.
That's the point, I'm trying to drive home, you know?
It's hard to quit though, man.
You know, my doctor, he tried to scare me out of smoking.
He showed me a picture of a smoker's lung.
HO!
It was really gross and disgusting.
Then he showed me a picture of this healthy guy's lung.
HO!
It was really gross and disgusting too.
What do you think of that, huh?
Turns out it was just lungs, that's why they put them inside.
You don't have to look at them all the time, huh?
Show some discretion for God's sakes.
But you can't use gimmicks either.
I tried to quit smoking, I went to a guy who was like a hypnotist, you know?
Put me under a spell.
Every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up.
Very embarrassing right after sex.
Oh!
It might be pretty hard to get that second date after that, you know?
Oh!
After you barf on them, women get real snobby all of a sudden, you know?
Go figure, am I a big nose at a joint there?
You're fine when you're not barfing on them.
Huh.
You gotta quit though.
He even tells you right on the pack to quit.
Right on the back, it has little words on the side of the cigarette pack.
Says, "What are you doing?"
Something like that.
I don't know the exact words, but something.
I understand now they want to take it one step further.
On the back of the pack, they want to put on pictures of terminally ill
patients.
And that's pretty rough there, you know?
That's like a picture of the worst possible thing that could happen to you.
You know, I hope they don't start doing that with other products.
You know, like you walk into a bakery, buy a chocolate cake.
Big fat pimply guy in the back of the pack there, you know?
Ja-ho!
There's a big fat pimply guy in the back of the pack there.
Big...
I only had three teeth back there.
Big pimply...
Fat three-toothed guy.
Or maybe you walk into a jewelry store, you buy a nice diamond engagement ring
for your beautiful fiancee.
Some old bag with curlers in her hair in the back of the pack there, you know?
Ja-ho!
Old bag back there with curlers.
Big floppy slippers on back there.
So it's good to quit smoking.
You still gotta keep in shape, you know?
I don't work out or nothing like that.
That's my problem.
I don't work out, you know?
I haven't worked out for, uh, forever.
I never worked out, you know?
You gotta, you gotta work out.
You didn't have to use the workout when you were a kid.
You don't have to, you know?
When I was a kid, I looked good.
You know when I was in really good shape?
When I was like, uh, one.
Oh, you wouldn't know me now, you know, if you saw me when I was one.
I look good and young and fresh and...
Even for one, I look good.
People would come out to me and go, "What, you zero?"
What, you zero?
You look zero.
About, maybe...