Name: Norm Macdonald and Artie Lange share old stories on some podcast - September 2008
Uploaded: 2024-07-14T22:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald and Artie Lange share old stories on some podcast - September 2008' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald and Artie Lange share old stories on some podcast - September 2008' from Happy the Dog on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-14. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald and Artie Lange share old stories on some podcast - September 2008

Artie talked about if therapy is helping or hurting him and basically said that
he's slowly withdrawing from life.
But first, the featured guest on the show today was Norm MacDonald, and Norm's
always great in the studio, Gary.
I love Norm. Norm's one of my favorite funny comedians, and here he comes
walking in now wearing a Green Bay Packers hat.
Norm said something I never thought I'd heard him say.
Which is?
I guess I'm a Jet fan now.
He loves Favre.
I gotta get a new hat.
You're following Favre to the Jets, huh?
I'm following Favre to the gates of hell.
I just got a Favre Jet fathead.
You know, that should be good for a season.
God, it's gonna be the worst season of all time.
Well, they're only one and two.
They got a good shot of beating Arizona this week.
It'll be two and two.
I think they'll win four games.
Oh, come on, Norm.
Please.
I beg of you.
Do you really think they'll only win four games?
Yeah.
Favre does look like he's having a little difficulty learning the offense, huh?
Yeah, my lord.
It's sad, but...
Norm, I have a meeting.
I'll see you.
I'll see you later.
Is this on?
I gotta get my cans on, man.
I gotta get my cans on.
It's on.
Oh, these cans are hot.
Yeah, and you see the button there right in the middle?
Yeah.
Hello?
Is this on?
Yes.
It is?
Sorry.
How are your cans?
These cans are hotter than Lonnie Andrews.
I don't know how you use it.
Yeah, that would have been a great line if it were 73.
I don't know.
Norm's like 68 years old.
I'm sorry.
Mamie Van Doren.
How old are you?
68.
68 years young.
Mamie Van Doren.
I love what Bob Hope used to say.
I'm 79 years young.
How does that work?
110 years young.
I gotta return a rental car.
Hey, a guy from Jersey just died that was 110.
Did you hear about that?
No?
No, who?
I had an uncle I haven't heard from him.
He was 109.
Couldn't be the same guy.
It's not the same guy.
Yeah, he's 110.
You can say that bookie's name on this show.
Nobody listens.
No, I don't mind.
I don't mind.
He might have changed his ways.
No, listen, he still owes me the 50.
We're still confused about who had the over and who had the under on that.
No, he was right.
It was the lowest scoring game ever, so Norm won because he bet the over.
I bet the under.
I gotta tell you, I was reading one of the chapters to Artie's book last night.
I don't want to give anything away, but it was one of your gambling chapters.
And I thought I'd heard every one of your stories, and I hadn't.
It was the one about the hockey bets, and I'm just not going to get it to you.
I told that story on the air, you know.
I don't remember, but I could not stop laughing my ass off.
Artie and his friends found a bookie who didn't realize that every Wednesday
there was a day hockey game.
Norm, did I ever tell you that story?
They didn't realize every Wednesday there was a...
The guy just didn't know hockey.
He was like, you know, he followed the game.
I didn't know there was a day hockey game.
What he did was...
What happened was I was...
Oh, you passed post and kill it.
That's exactly what we were doing.
We were passed post and how?
So the guys would watch the Wednesday game and put a bet in with this guy, and
they would win.
He'd call the bets in at 7, you know.
So the guy was just like...
The guy figured that, you know, all the hockey...
He would look at the scores on Thursday morning and just go, who won?
And he didn't know that they called in the bets at 7 after one game had
happened.
But they were fucking morons.
They were morons because they had a good thing going, but they would usually
bet like 50 bucks.
So on this one game every Wednesday, they would bet like 100-time parlays.
They would parlay like the over and the team.
And so finally, after three weeks, they beat the guy for like $1,200.
And he goes, what's going on here?
And he looks at the paper and he finds out they've been betting on a game that
already happened.
So the funny part is, though, my buddy who was the middleman for the bookie
says to me, look, you've got to come with me because the middleman says the
actual bookie, this guy from Staten Island is going to be there.
And he's really mad.
He wants to scream at you.
So why would you agree to go to that meeting?
Well, I went with the kid because I don't know.
Oh, you did it too?
No, no.
No, that's the funniest part.
Artie's friend did it, but this guy decided that everyone associated with him
wasn't getting paid.
Everyone was going to get punished and yell at him.
The bookie said, the bookie, like everybody who bet through this middleman was
not going to get paid because of these two assholes.
And he goes, and I want to see you, the bookie's name was Bobo, he's not around
anymore, I don't know.
But one day the phone just didn't, no one answered the phone, probably part of
a raid.
But that was like 10 years ago.
So my buddy was afraid to go by himself, so I went to meet the bookie with him.
And we went to the McDonald's on the parkway in Union where I grew up, and that's
where he met the guy every week.
And we saw the bookie sitting in the corner, he was like a balding guy, like
big tattoos and shit.
And he starts screaming at us.
We sit down, and he's got like a wad of money in his hand.
He goes, let me fucking tell you something.
You never fucking treat me like this.
This is bullshit.
I want respect from you guys.
And you tell those fucking little faggots that if I ever find out they're
ripping me off again, I'm going to kill them.
I'm going to kill their parents when they have kids.
I'm going to kill their fucking kids.
I'm going to kill you guys.
He's starting to kill everybody, and he's getting real violent.
Me and my buddy noticed at the same time.
While he's screaming at us, it was Ash Wednesday, and he had an enormous ash on
his head.
He had just gone to church, I guess.
It was one of those ashes that was like in your space.
It was so big.
And we both noticed at the same time, so we put our heads down, and we couldn't
stop laughing.
And we were like, the bookie's wife saying, listen, before you go kill that guy's
kids, get your ashes.
But, you know, you always got to play it cool.
They should have just kept betting 50 bucks.
I guess I forgot this part of the story where guys were betting on games that
already happened.
That's a dangerous game, huh?
You want to hear it as Robert Shaw again?
Yeah.
You're post-postering, aren't you, Kelly?
How?
Is that The Sting?
The Sting.
That's The Sting.
How about Danny Wilson at the Continental?
Me and Norm.
Are we doing a Frank Sinatra movie now?
No.
I shouldn't say his name.
Yeah, you should say his name.
I thought Danny Wilson.
Whatever happened to him?
He's doing well.
Is he?
No, Danny's the greatest, man.
No, he is.
He's the greatest guy.
This guy, after Norm would do weekend updates sometimes on live TV, he'd say,
Danny Wilson, 17th floor.
And that meant that this crazy kid who worked for Saturday Night Live, what did
he do?
I would say it on the air.
Yeah, I know.
I thought I was so retarded.
What did it mean?
He would go meet this kid.
Yeah, the kid had a bit of a gambling issue.
And we found out.
So one day, he vanished.
No, Norm hired him to be his assistant.
Oh, no, that's not the one I'm talking about.
I'm talking about when we went to Atlantic City to find him.
Right.
The kid vanishes, right?
So Norm calls me up and say, Danny's vanished.
And we're going to go check.
His family was worried.
Yeah.
His father was Dave Wilson, right?
Well, we don't know who he is, remember?
The common name.
Right, exactly.
Yeah, it could be any Danny Wilson.
It could be any name.
I was going to meet Danny Wilson from Frank Sinatra movies.
But he's a fantastic guy, Danny Wilson.
But he vanished.
He vanished, and we had to turn up?
Well, we went to find him.
Well, Artie and I.
Yeah, we had to go look for him.
So I'll tell the first part.
We went to find him, and we found him in a little tiny, we tracked him down in
a little
tiny hotel called the Continental.
And we asked the guy at the front desk if we could get into the room, because
we were
knocking on the door and everything, and he wouldn't answer.
3 a.m.
Yeah, at 3 a.m.
We thought maybe he was dead or something.
We were banging as hard as we could.
And we said, we'll just wait until he gets up.
So the guy was kind of suspicious, the front desk guy, because it's Atlantic
City, and we're
trying to get into this guy's room and stuff like that.
So we went to the lounge of the hotel, which was called Babes.
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, Babes.
And it was just empty.
It was just me and Artie and the bartender, and then Artie can tell the room.
Well, I don't know if it were, but so we just tried to get into this room, and,
you know,
looking really suspicious.
So we go sit at this bar, and it's just me, Norm, and the guy.
The phone rings, and the bartender picks up the phone right next to us, and he
goes,
yeah?
And he goes, Babes.
He goes, yeah?
Uh-huh.
And he looks at us, and he goes, oh, yeah.
Yeah, oh, yeah, right.
Two of them, right?
Yeah.
All right.
And he hangs up the phone, and he looks at us, and he turns around, and he
starts whistling,
like, whew, whew.
So now we think he's, like, arranging a hit or something.
Finally, we find the kid's car in the fucking parking lot, and we go up to the
room, and
we thought it was going to be, like, a freaky scene, like it was going to work
hanging from
a leather chain or something.
And he played craps.
He could win.
If he played craps long enough, he could always win money, because he had some
sort of crazy
system.
All right.
And so he was making, like, 500 bucks a week.
Oh, no.
That's why he was there.
You're forgetting.
He owed 16 grand.
Yeah, he owed money.
That's right.
The same bookie who disappeared on me, he owed 16 grand to that bookie.
He was trying to get it back.
Right.
So I said, well, technically, you owed Norm the money, because I gave him my
nine grand,
and he was afraid the kid was going to kill him.
So we went down and said, no, that kid disappeared.
There's no bookies.
And he just, it's a long story, man.
I don't know.
You guys are about to some weird shit, right?
It was like a dark thing.
I know that you like to play poker, and used to do, I heard you used to play,
like, in the
sort of underground scene in New York.
Somebody once told me that the movie Rounders was somehow based on you to some
small degree.
Is there any truth to that?
Yeah.
The Matt Damon genius character.
Well, I guess just the fact that there, did you ever go into those, you know.
What was your thing?
Goodwill Smith?
How'd that one go?
I was just, you know.
On Mad TV, they would often, like, find two things.
I pitched a thing called Goodwill Smith.
Goodwill Smith.
All right.
And he worked at an all-black college, and, you know, the problem on the blackboard
that
no one could solve was two plus two.
Then Will Smith plays a janitor who puts a four, and they go, who saw Bill?
It took us, it took the professors eight years to figure this one out.
They rejected it.
They said it was, like, racist.
They did.
Yeah.
Those politically correct idiots.
They rejected that, and Tori Amos and Andy, which was a biggie that I was.
Tori Amos.
How are you going to fit her into that one?
I don't know.
I just think one of her.
Was she singing Sorks about getting raped with a black guy?
Just sing one of her songs, like, you know, hello there.
You know, her biggest hit was a song about being raped.
Oh, it was.
Yeah, the song called Silent All These Years.
I didn't even know that.
It makes it even better.
At Man TV, you would blurt out awful puns, and then they would, like, as a joke.
Me and this kid, David Herman, used to do that.
Like, at pitch meetings, we would yell out shit as a fucking joke, and they
would go, hey, that's good.
And, like, two weeks later, we'd be in makeup filming this thing.
One time, we were trying to do a dead man walking, because Susan Sarandon, for
some ridiculous reason, agreed to be on the show.
So, we were trying to do a dead man wal