Name: Bill Burr | Cheat - A Man's Guide To Infidelity | Short Film
Uploaded: 2017-12-07T14:54:55.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | Cheat - A Man's Guide To Infidelity | Short Film' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | Cheat - A Man's Guide To Infidelity | Short Film' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-12-07. Transcript available.

Bill Burr | Cheat - A Man's Guide To Infidelity | Short Film

you
She did everything we told you to do everything Joe everything everything
Bob Joseph guys look great. Come on in
I can't relax. I'm so nervous about this whole goddamn thing. Well, you have an
emergency. That's why you came to me
You're nervous because you might get caught
Joe I've been in a situation for seven years and as far as getting caught I say
you shouldn't be so lucky
I'd be praying for a conviction. It's a way out
Fuck it's 6:30. We gotta move
Okay, so we're on a clock. What's the details?
My girlfriend's out of town. I really want to cheat on her
He filled me in on the way over the details are his girl is out of town tonight
tonight only
He's got this other broad coming in at 8
But she's got to be out early because his girlfriend comes back at 11 a.m.
tomorrow
Shit we are on a clock
All right, here's the deal
Everything tonight has to be precisely executed
All right, you get her in you get her out you shower you clean up
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Why do I have to shower?
Oh boy
Jesus Christ have you ever cheated on anybody before?
No, that's why I'm so nervous about this right now
You gotta shower. What the hell?
Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, he's no
He's no
Okay, think about it, Joe
You're gonna have this alien chick scent all over you
Women get a lot of scents
Yeah, shampoo
Perfume, body wash
Not to mention the vagina that's gonna be all over your face and fingers
You get a wash like you just murdered somebody
You understand?
All right
You understand?
Yeah, I'll take a shower
And give yourself time to scour the apartment for stuff
Okay, the earrings, the hair, the glitter
Glitter
Glitter is brutal
Women love leaving a trail too
Especially if they think you have a girlfriend
Okay, I gotta clean too, fine
No, no, Joe, scour
You scour the apartment
Okay, I'm talking beekeeper suit
Bleach a brush on your hands and knees
All right?
Okay, all right
I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it
What else?
We got a doorman building
Doorman? God, how much you paying?
17
17, you got a doorman?
Yeah
Dude, I'm paying 22, I got a walk-up
I'm paying 19, I have a doorman
Fuck you, 19
Fuck you
I gotta move
Fucking move
Guys, guys, guys, guys
All right
I'm sorry, just later for that, please
All right, you got a doorman
That's gonna be a problem, Joe
Fuck
This guy, he's so fucking irritating
Every time I see him, he's trying to start some stupid conversation with me and
get into my business
How's it going? How you been?
Uh, good, man, good
Cool, did you see the game Sunday?
No, I don't really watch TV
Oh, shit, stink, man
You know how much money I had on the game? I must have lost
Yeah, let me get that
No, no, I got it, I got it, I got it
I got it, I got it
I'll follow it, I gotta do my rounds anyhow
He does rounds
For security
So you have a doorman and he makes security rounds?
Dude, why am I living where I'm living?
All right, all right
When does he make the rounds?
Uh, he does them on the 45 minute mark of every hour and they take five minutes
All right, that's your window, five minutes
To get in and get out of sight
And I'm assuming because you have a doorman, you also have an elevator
Yeah
Don't use it, all right?
You have no control when you're in the elevator
You don't know who's gonna get in or who's getting out
Just tell her it's broken and you take the stairs
What else?
We got a nosy next door neighbor
Mrs. Lawrence
The two lovebirds
What are you gonna give that girl a ring?
All right, all right, one of these days, okay?
That's not good
Okay, that's a wild card
We're just gonna have to hope you don't run into her
But if you do, smash your nose with the butt of your gun, why don't you shut
the fuck up?
What movie?
What movie?
Oh, fiction
No, no, no, no, no, Reservoir Dogs
God damn it, dude, I can never get you
Never get this guy
All right, so you're good, we got nothing else, right?
Shit
Shit, what's shit?
What's shit?
This chick's taking the bus
Okay, so we got a bus schedule to deal with
Jesus Christ, John, you couldn't get laid any easier than this?
What do you want from me, man?
I'm just trying to make it
Come on, so we've been dealing with this for like 20 minutes
They went to high school together
Oh, I see
Nostalgia, pussy?
Is that what this is, Joe?
Oh, let me guess, let me guess
She was the cheerleader?
He was the nerd in science class
Yeah, she thought she was too good for you
It's the blow job that got away, I've been there
I always wanted this girl, man
And I could never get her
There's a score to settle here
Exactly, dude
Let's go to work
All right, first thing is getting past that doorman
Oh, that's so nice
Wow
It's fancy
Fuck
What?
Uh, Duffy, uh, I think I lost my wallet
I think I lost my wallet
Oh, sorry, excuse me, sorry
Oh, yeah, yeah, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead
Hello
Oh, I can't talk right now
I'm sorry, my date lost his wallet
Okay
Hey, hey
Wait, see, where do you think it's
I found it
I found it
Oh, okay
Hey, hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait
Why are we taking the elevator?
Oh, because it's broken
Oh, why are we whispering?
You, uh, you know, it's the stairs
I don't know
It's just a small one
Hey, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine
Yeah, you seem tense
No, no, no, no
Hey, come here
Come here
Oh, no, no, no, no
No, I want to get your one
Drew's the apartment
Okay
Okay
Okay
Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, ow
Mmm, you smell nice.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Oh.
Mmm.
You smell nice.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Okay, let's go.
Okay.
Oh!
You know where Mrs. Lawrence lives?
I got a delivery.
She lives right there, man.
Nice.
Here?
Yeah.
Take your time.
It's only my life.
Welcome to my world, right?
Yep.
People.
Uh-huh.
Oh, is that the neighbor across the hall?
Yeah.
They're adorable.
Mmm.
This is your chance, dude, so you get all you can.
You eat it up until the morning.
Oh, it's great.
It's great.
It's great.
It's so great.
Yeah?
Come here.
You want your ass to me?
Is that good?
Okay.
You should go to New York.
No.
I'm gonna move to Philly.
I'm gonna move to Philly.
That was a good out.
That was a good out.
That was a good out.
Awesome!
Awesome!
Awesome!
Awesome!
Awesome!
Awesome!
Awesome!
Alright, then you gotta get her out of there, Joe.
Get that girl out of that apartment.
That's easy.
I'm just gonna put her in a cab.
A cab?
A cab!
You're not even gonna go to the station with her?
Why do I gotta go to the station with her?
Yeah.
Why's he gotta go to the station with her?
Because she's coming all the way from Philly to suck and fuck your dirty dick.
And then what are you gonna do?
Toss her out the next morning with nothing?
No juice?
No pancakes?
Not even a friggin' Eggo?
And then you're gonna send her off down to some creepy bus station?
Not even a train station?
A bus station?
With all those friggin' weirdos bopping into her?
You know what?
I'm a dog, but you're a fucking animal.
She's right, Joe.
You're kind of an animal.
Fine.
Fine.
I'll go with her to the goddamn bus station, and I'll wait there with her.
Okay?
You don't have to wait, but you should definitely go.
I think Bobby's making a good point here.
Thank you, Billy.
You're welcome.
You know, a little bit of class after sex, you know, might not be the worst
thing.
Otherwise, she might be vindictive.
And who knows where that would lead.
You don't want a psycho on your hands, Joe.
Upsy-daisy.
Come on.
Come on.
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