Name: Bill Burr - Worst Birthday Gift Evaaah
Uploaded: 2020-04-10T16:59:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Worst Birthday Gift Evaaah' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Worst Birthday Gift Evaaah' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-10. Transcript available.

So have so okay, so I want to hear about like did you ever go on like a crazy
date and and have like a horrible time
Did you ever have any of those experiences? I know you're married. Yeah, so I
gotta watch out
You gotta be careful what you say. I know I say that. I don't feel like
stirring up the beehive of exes. You don't have to do that. You don't have to
do that.
You don't have to do that. I am difficult to live with. Put it that way so
Yeah, you don't have to mention names. Okay, you don't have to mention that and
you don't have to mention names. What about jobs even?
I will tell you this one time I
One of my first girlfriends I grew up. I had like all brothers and stuff
It was like, you know until my sister came along so it was like more like dudes.
Yeah, it was very
Testosterone even the dog was a male. We used to fight all the time, so I didn't
know shit about female energy nothing
So I got my first girlfriend like serious girlfriend when I had moved out or
whatever and I remember it was her birthday
And I had no fucking idea what to get her and I was also too embarrassed that I
didn't know
so I was in a mall and I just they had you know like those polo style shirts,
you know like they had the alligator pull
so for whatever fucking reason
I bought her like three of those
I don't know why I don't know why the lacoste I don't know. Yeah, I don't know
if they were that I don't so I bought her those
So I was so fucking nervous
I questioned a million times is she gonna like these no she's like she'll like
it. She like I just questioned like 50
I'm getting like embarrassed tell us now and I gave it to her and
And she's so excited and she fucking opened it up when she looked at she just
wasn't like
Cuz what what is this?
She's like holding them up
It's a golf shirt. Yeah, why did why did you bet? And I was so embarrassed like
I literally
I mean she went in her bedroom and I like sat down on the bed and I was just
sitting there like this and then she just went off on me on
How bad the fucking gifts were and who the fuck gives somebody like that and I
feel like
Probably like two and a half minutes it felt like an hour and I was just
sitting there
Like getting so rated yeah, it took up a good five minutes before my self-esteem
came back like wait a minute
It's your fucking birthday. I got you something you say. Thanks, and then I
Was so fucking humiliated like I had like major like major major fucking women
issues
With a bunch of other shit that I don't want to get into already
So then I finally get a fucking girlfriend and then like that shit fucking
happened. Yeah
Oh, yeah
Yeah, I had I had she was really trying to be careful here. Yeah trying to be
careful. That's not cool though. I had
Yeah, dude, I had I had a lot of like I but I was like I was not so I was
attracted to crazy
So I mean I was bringing my 50% of it to a shit magnet. Yeah
Yeah, yeah, so I was like I was more like I would yeah
No, I was you know, it was a it was a dark. It was this weird
Amazing and dark time in my life where my you know, I decided to become a
comedian this excitement
Oh my god, I'm actually doing my dream even though I'm not getting paid for but
I'm doing it
So there's this super excitement here and then everything else was just fucking
you know
Yeah, it was like and you know and I'm and I was you and you and you and you're
the problem you're the problems, you know
I was me. I was just like this fucking
Fucking just sucking everything into my bullshit. It was it was really bad. It's
funny cuz I don't remember a lot of it now
I think just out of like
Protective shit until I get in the shower I get in the fucking shower not all
the time
But every like once a month or something something pops in my head and I just
go
Why did I get in those shirts but you but yes, but you're married now and
everything like, you know
It seems like you've like figured out you're you're like, you know
You're not taking I figured that part out. But but now I'm figuring out the
being married part. Yeah, that's the you know
Oh, yeah, well good luck. Yeah, well everyone's figuring it out. I mean we're
married and we're newly married never stopped figuring
No, no
Yeah, cuz people start you know big thing is people continue to grow so you got
to make sure that you're not doing this
That's the loneliest feeling ever
Yeah, and I think every relationship kind of experiences that but the loneliest
feeling ever is when you're starting to go like this
Yeah, and uh
Yeah, you got it. Yeah, that happened a little bit to us right after we had
Our daughter because like so much, you know, I was this before that and then
you get that it becomes this
So then you're communicating through and it was just then we would go out on
dates and literally have nothing to talk about and then we'd be like
Oh, look at our
Yeah, our baby's really cute. Should we talk about her some more? Yeah, I just
remember one point during the height of it
We were kind of passing each other in the hallway and I said what's up to her
like I was in a college dorm
And it was just some guy coming by and I was just like, all right
Okay, we gotta we need to like fix this
It was funny cuz she has such a great sense of humor that we just started
laughing about it
And then that became a joke within the relationship passing each other in the
house being like what's up?
Yeah, so we were able to get it back
but uh, yeah, it's a
She must have a great sense of humor being around you
Yeah, I think a lot of ways she's funnier than I am. Oh, she's fucking
hilarious. No, she's fucking hilarious. That's awesome
This one is just absolutely retarded. My face hurts a lot of times I can go on
like this to like cuz it hurts
Yeah, I think I'm just crazy so
All right
Entertaining
Um, but no you said the same thing happened to you when you had your your kids
Yeah, I had a back-to-back and I went from being like I always relate to this
is like like the the billboard charts
I went from like number one with a bullet like top of the charts to like
fucking
260 with a fucking anchor. Yeah, like I I couldn't
Everything was about the kids every single thing and I'm just like
What how what happened?
I'm over here
Yeah
Like just
I'm gonna get it they need but that's that sense
Especially beginning they need all that attention and and kids don't come with
manuals
Nor do marriages with new kids come with manuals
So you just you're just scraping trying to figure out how to fucking do it all
Yeah, and I would think back to back. Yeah, that would be tough
But I yeah, but we figured it out and everything I don't have like that
I'm a fucking weird dude man, so I don't have like
I am man like I have like this self
Sustaining thing about myself, which is really good for the business I picked
but is hard on relationships
And I have to try to open it up a lot where I'm just kind of like I don't need
anybody or anything
I can sleep on this slab of granite. I don't give a shit
Like I remember I watched the dirty dozen when I was a kid remember that movie
I remember they were shaving in the cold water
I remember I started shaving in cold water for what as is like I just of how
hard I thought life was gonna be
Because of this other bullshit that happened to me
I was like alright if that can happen here at home
What the fuck's gonna happen when I go out there?
So I literally started doing shit the hard way
To like build up like this callus or something was just so fucked up no like I
look back at it now
Just putting yourself through hell
I made that decision and I was looking in the mirror doing it
But it's still way in here
There's not that moment you can be with yourself like hey bill what the fuck
are you doing right now?
You have hot water there's people around the world would kill for this hot
water use it
What's wrong with fucking
You're just punishing yourself you're trying to prepare yourself for pain
I was trying to yeah
Yeah
That was the business model there for a while
Right?
I know it is kind of crazy but like I mean it is I guess it is like a lot of
pressure too
Because you know once you do get married and start a family it's not just you
anymore
It's not like you're like
No it's the greatest thing ever
It's just it wasn't like I don't give a shit that it's all about her
I love having to be all about my daughter
But it's the stuff about with my wife
Yeah
And not connecting with her where we were like best friends
And I felt like this there was there was a point where it started to go like
this
I'm like what the fuck
And I was just like oh this is the shit that people talk about
Yeah it happens
I'm like wow
Because I remember a long time ago I was working in a warehouse
One of my worst fucking jobs ever
I used to work like fucking 11 to 4 in the morning
Ew
Oh yeah unloading this thing
Just lifting lumber
Oh dude and this fucking
There used to be this guy who was fucking rail thin
One of the scariest guys I've ever seen in my life
First day I showed up he was fucking gacked out of his mind
Uh oh
And he was on this electric pallet jack just being like
I'm gonna drive it off the dock
And he kept doing that
The other guy I worked with was all laid back
Just kind of smiling like
There was a Vietnam vet there
Who was just like you go out drinking with him
One of those guys you go out with him in like within three minutes
You had like you had like four trying to keep up with the guy
So we used to fucking work till four in the morning
There was a guy who was divorced
And I'm oh my god I remember I just remember this
He told me a fucking story how
Like his his relationship he goes
I could tell you exactly what was gonna happen every single day
And we would just pass each other in the hallways
And I wouldn't even say hello to anyone
And I was just like oh my god
Oh my god
Am I going down that road
Because I don't want to I don't want to do the 11 to 4 a.m. shift again
To fucking play
No
Fucking child support or some shit
So let me let me fucking
But what's great about my wife is we are such great
We're fucking great friends
Yes
So if we do
But we're also stubborn
So if we do the fucking battering ram thing
We'll do that for like a week or two
Some stupid shit
Before we like what are we doing
And then we're laughing again
And then it gets back to where it like needs to be
But I don't know
I
I refuse to ever let it get worse than that
Like I'm not gonna like
Yeah
You know
That's the thing
Like as long as you're willing
I mean like same with us
Like we'll bicker
But then we'll be like
What are we doing
Like I love you
Yeah
And it's always over to some
The dumbest shit
Dumbest shit
What are we doing
Yeah
What are we seven
Yeah
Sometimes
I'm seven
I'm seven
No you didn't
No you didn't
No yeah
We do the same thing
And I mean it's like
Wanting to win
I mean yeah
Wanting to win
Or wanting to be right
Like I don't know why being right is so important
Yeah there's no trophy
It's not like it does anything
It's nice to hear it every once in a while
It's nice to hear
You're right baby
Hey you know what
Now that I think about it
You know that was
That was probably
We should have done it your way