Name: Bill Burr - Near Death Experience
Uploaded: 2020-04-25T19:10:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Near Death Experience' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Near Death Experience' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-25. Transcript available.

Have you ever had a time where you thought you were going to die?
Oh, yeah.
What?
Oh, yeah.
Well, I didn't think I was going to die, but I should have died.
Oh, no.
I was racing my brother home from a convenience store,
and we used to always race home.
We lived on a busy street, and then our house was--
you had to cross the busy street and go up this driveway,
and my brother was just older, and he was stronger.
So I'd always do better than him getting to it,
but then we had to wait for the traffic,
and then he would beat me up the hill.
So we were racing home.
I was like, I know what I'm going to do.
I'm going to look over my shoulder, make sure nobody's coming,
and then I'll cross the street before him, then I'll be fine.
So that was my thing, and I was so focused on doing it.
I looked over.
I swear to God, I thought I looked.
There was nobody there.
I went out, went right in front of this guy driving a Jeep,
and all I heard was--
and next thing I was upside down, and I remember seeing the bumper.
It's weird, the vivid snapshot.
Sure.
The tire, the bumper, and I felt the heat of the engine,
and then it was just knocked out,
and I woke up, like, I don't know how much longer later,
but I was laying across the double lines.
And I was--
So I got up.
My bike was all mad.
I wish I had video of it.
How the fuck?
I didn't go underneath it.
And I got up, and I ran to the sidewalk,
and the biggest guy you ever saw in your life got out of this Jeep,
just crying, like, "Oh, my God!"
I killed a kid.
Yeah, and he came up to me, and he was, like, holding me up and shit,
and I was going, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry,"
because I was just thinking, "My dad's going to kill me,"
because my bike was all fucked up.
The guy's like, "I'll buy you a new bike."
"Oh, I'm so sorry, you just came out."
And I was just like--
And all I remember was that happened on a Thursday-- a Wednesday,
because the doctor said I didn't have to go to school for the next two days,
so I didn't have to fake sleep.
And all it was was, like, I got hit right in the temple,
and if you bite down on your back teeth, that thing goes in and out.
Yeah.
So it hurt to chew.
So I had to eat with a little spoon for, like, two days.
But I didn't have to fake sick, so it was kind of cool.
How did you not, like--
I got a four-day weekend out of it.
Nice!
Did you get broken bones or anything?
No, I got hit in the head.
And then what was hilarious was the ambulance showed up,
and there was a shit hospital near us,
and my mother's like, "Yeah, he's not going to that hospital,"
and she sent him away.
And then I took a cab in town to Children's Hospital,
which is one of the best ones ever in Boston.
So we went into there,
and the whole time she wouldn't let me go to sleep,
because she knew I had, like--
Concussion, yeah.
Well, she didn't know what was going on,
so she was just like, "Stay awake, stay awake,"
and I'm like, "I just want to go to sleep."
Yeah, I'm tired.
I got hit by a bus, yeah.
And then it was another time, the first time
and only time ever went skydiving.
Oh, my God, you went skydiving?
He likes skydiving.
I'm never going to do it.
It was a static line jump,
so you're hooked up to the thing,
so you don't have to pull the chute.
And it was a one-day course.
And the command was, "Sit in the door, get out, go."
So when you got out, I still remember how to do it, right?
They had a little fucking square plate,
like, for you to stand on over the wheels,
like a little Cessna, you know, fucking--
Yeah, yeah, piece of shit.
So you fucking stood like this, like this.
It was like, "Sit in the door, get out, like this,"
and then he hits you, "Go,"
and then you were supposed to go like--
Yeah, and just fall.
It was ARC 1,000, 2-1,000, 3-1,000.
Look, if nothing, look, reach, pull.
Because if you didn't look down,
you'd be like flailing like that, right?
So, one day training, he goes, "Go."
First of all, he said, "Sit in the door."
I thought he was saying, "Close the door,"
so I was trying to close it.
He was just sort of smiling at me, like,
"What the fuck are you doing?"
Then I finally got out there and he goes, "Go."
And I let go, and I don't know,
I tried to like grab for something,
and I started doing front flips
as my chute was coming out.
Dude.
And I felt it go by my leg,
and I was like, "Oh my God, I'm dead.
I'm gonna be like a fruit roll-up in this thing.
I'm not gonna be able to pull the thing."
And somehow, I was so lucky, it just--
It just flipped around and you got--
I have no fucking idea.
Oh my God!
Pepperell, Massachusetts at that airport up there.
So I was fucking--
I would shit my pants.
So the thing was, too, was hilarious was they had like--
Shit, like shit would be in my pants.
When you had to pull the toggles,
they go, "Make sure you pull them
all the way down to your knees," right?
So there was this big girl in class,
and she couldn't fucking get him over.
She landed across the street in a pile of loom,
like dislocated her knee.
I mean, it was like--
He had us watch this whole video,
and then in the end of this whole thing,
you had to sign a thing that you wouldn't sue him
if you died and shit.
What?
It's a full-on release.
They're not responsible for shit.
You sign a thing saying if you die, they're not--
Yeah, but you can still sue them.
It's bullshit.
It's like a fucking prenup.
They can still get your house.
That's all bullshit.
Dead.
Dude, I had a similar experience.
It was my second time.
It was on my birthday.
My buddy got me the thing.
He's like, "Come on, man.
I'm fucking gonna go for your birthday."
I'm like, "All right, dope."
So this is the second time,
so I know what's going on.
I know what to expect.
And it's tandem.
The instructor's on my back.
"We're out there.
"Okay, we're 10,000 feet."
Jesus Christ.
That's high as fuck.
I know, right?
One, two, three.
"Okay."
The best feeling in the world, right?
When you feel like you're flying.
No, it was not fun.
Because when I was doing front flips,
then the second it was over,
then when the shoot was out,
you couldn't tell you were moving.
When the shoot's out,
you feel like you're just sitting there in the air.
And it's not until the tree line starts coming,
like, "Oh, fuck, we're really moving."
It was just faceplant.
So not worth it.
Not worth it.
I think what he did,
and you go with somebody else,
that's better, yeah.
Yeah, free falling.
I'm like, "This is fucking insane."
And all of a sudden,
the one thing you never want to hear from your instructor
who's fastened to you on your back
is, "Fuck!"
And I go, "I look like this."
And he's, the fucking shoots out,
but the lines are all fucked up.
And I see him.
He's got the lines,
and he's fucking yanking on them like this.
And I'm like, "Oh, my God.
We're gonna fuck, this is it."
Yeah.
And at that moment, I was like,
"Is there anything I can do?"
"Can I help you?"
"Can I shit my shoulders and make that shit happen?"
Dude, and at that moment,
I like, you know, I was scared as fuck.
And then a couple seconds later,
I just went, "You know what?
This is it.
I'm gonna just fucking enjoy this
all the way down
till I get just on the ground."
You have such a great mentality.
I'm just gonna like,
"Maybe this is it.
Maybe this is the time."
But I'll never forget that.
You never want to hear your instructor say fuck.
That's pretty impressive
that that's where you went mentally
because I had a buddy of mine-
I would not do that.
I had a buddy of mine
that happened to another comedian,
and he was on the ground crying
in the fetal position afterwards
for like,
I don't know how many minutes.
Because what happened with them,
the same thing happened
where the guy went,
"Oh fuck."
And he looked back like that too
as the guy looked back
which fucked up their balance
and then they started spinning.
He, the whole thing
and the guy finally was able
to pull the reserve chute.
Oh my God.
I have way too much anxiety for that.
I remember my buddy who passed away,
Patrice O'Neil,
funniest dude ever.
He teased him so fucking bad
because he was telling the story
and we were all listening
and he was on the ground crying
and he's just like,
"You fucking bitch."
And he just started trashing him and shit.