Name: Bill Burr - End Of Stand-Up Comedy As We Know It
Uploaded: 2020-06-10T13:02:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - End Of Stand-Up Comedy As We Know It' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - End Of Stand-Up Comedy As We Know It' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-10. Transcript available.

So we're very happy to have you guys.
And I'm very humbled to be a guest here.
But I don't want to start off negative.
But I mean, Chris, I got to go with your co-host here, Mr. Fucking Gloom and
Doom.
If I see one more fucking fucking Instagram thing from him predicting the end
of stand-up as we know it.
Like, I want to know what 24-hour news channel you're watching.
You're old enough to remember 9-11 when they were all like,
is anything ever going to be funny again?
And within two weeks, the place was fucking packed.
Packed.
Here's the thing.
It's Yanni Long Days.
Yanni Long Days, it's my fucking existence.
It's just dealing with Yanni Long Days.
And I appreciate you saying it, General Burr.
I really do.
But Yanni, can you defend yourself on this?
Well, think about this, Burr.
General Burr, you fucking supporter of a piece of shit.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
General Burr.
Ryan Furrow.
Think about it.
Have you ever thought about this?
I was saying stand-up is over, right?
And then I moved to the country right before the pandemic.
It almost looks like I was in on this thing with Bill Gates, who's a vaccine
criminal.
Can I ask you a question?
Well, what about, what are you looking at that is making you, literally at the
height?
It's like, you feel like you're in the roaring 20s and everybody's like doing
the Charleston.
You're like, you know the market's going to crash.
It's going to crash.
Listen, this is an unprecedented fucking great time in stand-up comedy where
there's been booms and dips throughout the art form, right?
But the difference is, is now there's the internet.
And all people want to do is laugh, see people fail, and see people fuck.
We're on the Mount Rushmore there.
People are never going to get tired of laughing.
I don't, like, what goes on between your fucking ears that literally, the hand
that feeds you, you're sitting there just going, it's over.
Does Steve Jobs, did he ever come out and be like, this is our last great
invention.
We're never coming up.
Computers are over.
I don't, I could see if you weren't a comedian, but I don't know what jam-packed
lines around the block.
Would there be ebbs and flows?
Absolutely.
But you're literally saying that stand-up is done.
Like, never again.
He canceled all his dates already for the rest of the year.
He canceled them all.
This is what it is.
Giannis doesn't want to do stand-up.
He wants to be a podcaster.
But Giannis is one of those guys, if he doesn't get to do it, nobody gets to do
it.
So what he's suddenly trying to do is torpedo the entire art form just because
he doesn't want to go down and go do a fucking,
guest spot on a Wednesday.
That's what it is.
It's a controlled demolition to remake the whole economy of stand-up into
podcasting because that's the only thing that's working for me right now.
I know.
I talk to Giannis all day, every day.
We do this podcast, and I feel like it's going to fucking end.
Everything's going to end, and I repeat my ideas, repeat his ideas, and my
friends are just like, Chris, shut the fuck up.
None of that is true, what he's saying.
I'm like, well, I mean, you do it.
Listen, here's the truth with Giannis long days.
He's extremely, extremely, extremely smart.
So, you know, some of the things, he can make you believe it, but then other
times I'm like, I don't fucking know.
I mean, Giannis said that we're all going to die.
It's all going to get in our lungs, and everyone's going to have scar tissue
for the rest of our lives,
and no one's going to be able to breathe again, including the NBA athletes who
got in coronavirus.
Here's the thing.
On your cell phone, there's a button that says end, okay?
And you have to establish a relationship that when Giannis starts going down
that road,
that you will just hit the end button, put a hang up, whatever the fuck it is.
Just like, you know, you're of that age where you're almost out of it,
where you actually sit across from somebody while they do this chicken little
shit,
which, you know, eventually everything is going to end.
But when it's still going, you should go out and enjoy it before the sky falls,
rather than Gianni Longdays, man.
That's one of the most accurate fucking nicknames.
Like, I get bummed out when he writes that, and I have to walk it off and
whisper to myself
fake argument with Giannis Papas that it's not over, and I will still be able
to pay my mortgage.
No, you're supposed to be bringing joy, Giannis, and make people forget about
their problems,
not creating ones that don't even fucking exist.
I didn't create the problem.
Here's the problem.
Stand-up's obviously going to be fine.
But as soon as everyone started releasing-
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What do you mean if it's obviously going to be fine, what the fuck are you
writing?
I mean, I-
When did you come to that?
When did you come to that?
I helped create a virus with Bill Gates to end it so podcasts could boom.
I mean, forgive me for being smart and predicting the future.
Yeah.
What did you predict?
No, here's what it is.
As soon as-
Oh, you sidestepped that one.
What did you predict?
As soon as they started releasing special after special after special, giving
some kids
two HBO, three HBO specials, and they were calling it specials, and there was
no new name
to call what you do and what Chappelle does and what all these experienced
comics do.
That was when we needed to come up with a new name for special.
We got to call it something else.
Because if you're going to call that a special, then you got to call something,
you got to call
what you do something different so people know this is what a comedy special is.
All right.
Well, you're changing the argument right now.
You're going from it's completely over to maybe the markets.
I mean, I don't want to get into this fucking conversation with you on.
It's going to be fine no matter what you think in your gorgeous kitchen and
your beautiful
house that was all paid for by comedy.
Yeah.
I mean, you should literally be in-
What are those fucking things they have down at the docks, you know, where they
always like-
They bring in like Vietnamese hookers and shit and drugs and cars that they're
not supposed
to sell.
You could be-
You know, the rednecks buy those things and they bury them under the ground
with like four
years of baked beans.
That's where you should be right now.
Yeah.
Saying stand-up is over.
Instead, you are in an amazing kitchen that gets an incredible amount of light.
Yeah.
The white wall is making it appear even bigger.
I'm tweeting my face in Ruth Bader Ginsburg's body just to be silly because I'm
doing comedy.
And then Giannis is doing, if you don't like my transparent, flawed, unmanicured,
multifaceted
persona, don't follow me.
There's plenty of manufactured accounts that view you as a number follower and
not a person.
Go get you medicine.
I'm interested in building a following of emotionally strong grownups.
Hilarious.
Yeah.
Giannis is fighting a one-way war.
Yeah.
He thinks everybody's out to get him.
Like, one of my main pet peeves is with rappers when they say, yo, everybody
said we couldn't
blah, blah, blah, but then we blew, blew, blew.
It's like, nobody said that.
Nobody said that.
Stop inventing enemies.
Well, I mean, I got some voices in my head that I need some medication to
silence.
Yeah, I've always-
I have your medication.
I have your medication.
Look around that gorgeous kitchen, you self-involved jackass.
You made it.
You already made it.
You got the girl.
You got the house.
You're making money, making people laugh.
And what is Giannis going to do?
He's going to destroy it.
He's going to attack his happiness.
You're calling me the coronavirus.
I didn't do anything.
The coronavirus did this.
You're projecting right now because of your childhood.
I didn't do shit.
I got no power.
I've been saying this from the moment I met Giannis and started doing this
podcast, that
Giannis is a character inside Maurice's head, that Maurice is the real person.
Maurice Rodriguez exists in reality, and Giannis is just a character as long as
Mr. Panos and
everyone else, but the real one is Maurice.
That's who you're always talking to.
Giannis is going to get arrested for some brutal crime in the future, and he's
going to be
so fascinating to the police psychologists that they'll put him in that special
fucking
jail where they talk to you and then nine different scripts get made about nine
different
serial killers.
You know that Ed Gein guy?
Yeah, sure.
Like Texas Chainsaw, Silence of the Lambs, like four different serial killer
movies were
all based on that one guy.
Giannis Papas is the Ed Gein of the stand-up world.
Well, here's the thing.
Ed Gein, that's the new nickname.
Run with it.
Fans, run with it.
Giannis Gein.
You're wrong again.
What I'm going to do is I'm going to commit the crime, and then I'm going to
get in the
wig and the outfit, and I'm just going to become Maurice so they can't find me.
I'm going to move to the Lower East Side.
You can look for Giannis Papas all you want, but he don't exist because he
lived down in
the Lower East Side with Sergio Chico.
You know what's amazing?
Every time I do this podcast with no headphones in, right now they couldn't
hear it, but usually
when I do it with no headphones in, you break into Maurice, my kid's mom thinks
it's one
of her relatives.
That's just what it is.
I've been doing this.
I've been doing the podcast every day from where me and my kid's mom used to
live.
That's where I've been doing it from.
So I've been doing the podcast every day because we decided to all quarantine
together because
of our child.
So it's been very interesting to do this podcast.
We're doing the podcast Behind Enemy Lines.
Every single episode, something's went in.
She may burst in here right now and hit me with a shoe or something.
So it's just, you know, it's been fun so far.
I was kind of hoping, I was going more Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan with the scenario
that you guys
would rekindle your love.
I'm really seeing the sadness on your face.
I don't think that's an option.
It's possible.
You never know.
But yeah, legally, who knows if that could even happen.
But we've, you never know.
You never know.
I just know Giannis doesn't want to come near me because I'm living in Brooklyn
and he thinks
that if he comes and sees me, he'll get the coronavirus.
But what I said is he's hanging out with Verzi, who admits he had the
coronavirus.
So I don't understand, Giannis, why you're scared of me, but not scared of Verzi.
He was never tested.
He had symptoms, but he had the light thing here.
Listen, people want to work again when this is over, okay?
Don't be fucking going around, you know, making everybody out to be Rock Hudson,
okay?
Let's try to have a little fucking, you know, little tact here with people's
personal lives.
Didn't Paul say publicly he had it?
Yeah.
I think you guys said that and then he had to come out and say something.
I think that that's what happens.
That's what the hyenas do, Bill.
Get ready.
All things comedy, we're going to eat some shit up.
You're going to have to fucking back us out of a few things.
Yeah.
You think he had a problem with Ari Shaffir?
Well, here we are.
Yeah, Ari Shaffir, that's nothing.
That's Little League shit.
That is, that is.
We told him we fucking are tweeting at AOC telling her that she's going to be
working at Rainbow any day now.
I mean, we're fucking.
Those things are true, guys, but Verzi came on and told the world himself on
our podcast and then went to Andrew.
Oh, he did.
Also, he did it first.
So it's another thing Schultz stole from us.