Name: Bill Burr - How I Got Into Cigars
Uploaded: 2020-07-02T12:14:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - How I Got Into Cigars' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - How I Got Into Cigars' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-02. Transcript available.

you know like you never did a drug and thought oh you know like this could kill
me or like this like or I'm drinking heroin I was like this is really really
good I could definitely go down this path and I was like no I'm not fucking
this anymore yeah so you were able to kind of the recreationally use that yeah
pretty much my thing was alcohol too much my thing was alcohol and now it's
cigars because I just replaced that and then like my brain never shuts off so
cigars is good for that but then like then you're fucking wired from the
tobacco yeah now I gotta lay off those things but then I have all these cigars
smoking friends now and there's this whole fucking you can't get rid of cigars
because there's this big thing like oh here's oh try this one try this one so
you get away three and you get five back yeah and your humidor just keeps going
and then everyone just buys you cigars because they hear you're kind of into
them so they're like oh Christmas is coming get them a cigar everybody gets you
cigars kind of into them is not the word I fucking love them to an unhealthy
point
so I'm trying to get that really have a humidor in your house like I just I
I just had the little but I to this is my third humidor because the other two
times I gave away my cigars and I gave away the humidor and I was just like
okay if I don't have that I won't fucking do it but then somebody gives me such
a
nice box it's like sacrilegious to let them go bad I'm like fuck you know but
you
don't really inhale a cigar right you just puff on yeah you just get the mouth
cancer oh my god do you smoke cigarettes too or no no I've never smoked a
cigarette in my life wow good
for you so how'd you get into cigars oh the rose bowl I went I went to the fuck
you
rose bowl no I went to the rose bowl my buddy Joe Bartnick and we just uh we
decided like New
Year's Eve it's this weird thing where it's the greatest night of the year as
far as your money
you get make make like double your money because the ticket prices are more but
it's the most drunkest
fucking horrible crowd and they can just have so many bad experiences so I came
up with this thing
it was just like dude why don't we just do some extra gigs in December make our
New Year's money
not fucking work New Year's and go to the fucking rose bowl get shit face and
chill out so he's like
all right so we did that had well had beyond a great time almost got kicked out
within the first
fucking two minutes because we were so hammered my buddy brought the cigar in
like because they
would just scan the tickets and he had it in his mouth like fucking patent and
he just fucking
walked in they didn't they didn't see yeah so um so I started with those like
and I would really enjoy
and I would just it was weird for like three years I just had that one every
year and then I did a
movie when I was in Boston and we were gonna go on this boat ride I was
thinking like what can I you
know you always try to get something for the cast um so I bought this box of
cigars and then the boat
was so small and there were so many people that didn't smoke I was like this is
gonna be obnoxious I'm
not gonna do it and then I had him and I brought him back and my mother always
taught me don't waste
things yeah and then there was just one day I was on the back porch of my house
the middle of the
afternoon and I lit up and I smoked a cigar and I was like oh my god this is
the greatest fucking
thing I get why people do oh you feel like you fucking won a war like you haven't
even done
anything with your day still in your pajamas if you light up a cigar you just
have these delusions
of grandeur just start floating out of your head like I'm fucking amazing
this has been a great life I'm smoking a cigar at 1 30 in the afternoon what
are you doing so
wow and I smoked it by myself and was being a loner I was totally fine I'll
tell you it was fucking
hilarious though one I I had to roast uh big poppy the red sox uh David Ortiz
oh my god I came up
with my whole roast thing smoking a cigar I sat on the back porch by myself
talking to myself
saying jokes and then laughing and then I would just record them and then I
would just keep throwing
out uh you know just just going on and on and on and on and then I just sort of
I just had like this
fucking set and I came up with the whole thing like I don't know it's a weird
but I have to be
careful with it yeah because uh you know I was doing great November was bad
though November was
bad I just I just smoked a million of them god that's cool at least you don't
do anything else
like if that's your one thing you know have you ever smoked CBD do you know you
can smoke CBD
yes CBD is the most harmless because CBD has no THC in it so you don't have to
worry about getting high
there's this is the greatest thing about weed now because it's legal there's
all these people who
aren't doctors like giving you advice I know CBD is like not addictive it's
like totally healthy oh
okay there okay I don't I'm looking for the MD uh certificate on the wall I don't
see it
that's like everybody always like uh like when they give you like an edible
because I know I've
done shit like that I don't like I don't do weed I don't do weed or edibles
people always they don't
even know what they have yeah yeah yeah they're like this is like maybe next
day like dude what
the fuck dude I told you just to lick it no you didn't you told me to eat a
fucking square and I
did I was fucking tripping watching Peter Gabriel I started laughing I started
laughing I couldn't
stop fucking laughing and then I was getting paranoid everyone's gonna see me
laughing which made me
laugh more and my wife was just looking at me she you know when you're laughing
so hard people don't
even know what you're laughing at you're just laughing at how hard I was
laughing that fucking hard
and I love Peter Gabriel did you like the edible uh I don't like that no it's
just like it gets like
I don't like feeling fucked up I just don't like how like I always felt with
alcohol you you could
tell yeah where you're going you could tell it's just like okay now I can I
would take another step
now we're gonna do another step that shit it's just like it comes on it's like
hey it's just like
you're going up into the atmosphere it's like all right is this thing gonna
stop this has to be
then you'll sit there for like a few seconds at this level and be like all
right this is this
has got to be the height yeah and then uh you're like fuck where are we going
yeah trying to pull
yourself back down that is the worst it is the worst I will say I hate them too
I do hate them but I'm
I'm not a doctor but I will say CBD has been really helpful because it doesn't
make you feel
fucked up and it doesn't have THC in it it's just like the the healing but we're
also lab rats we are
in a way yeah because it's not like a long time and people always sit there
going like hey man like
weed's all natural it's like that shit in the 70s we had to smoke half a bag
just to get that shit
was natural this shit now where it's just like dude you might want to just take
half a hit of that
it's like the amount of chemicals yeah there's crystals all over it yeah the
old shit was like
your backyard lawn clippings like yeah I know now weed is way too strong I don't
smoke weed I can't do
it yeah that actually I liked like weak weed weak weed was awesome because you
just knew what you were
getting into yeah I got a couple of my friends they're like old school pot guys
like I don't even
fuck with it anymore no they're just like dude weed is not weed anymore weed is
no it's crazy
fucking insane people's tolerances have gotten so insane that they need like
crazy fucking weed
otherwise they don't feel it you know what I mean like no I know a guy that he
eats like 50s like
they're golf balls see I just can't I can't imagine I mean what happened to me
that Peter Gabriel
no that was that was 10 right that was 10 milligrams and I was just like too
fucked up for I thought
fucked up the next day I woke up and I was like I'm still fucked up like I'm
still fucking tripping
like it's kind of crazy yeah I won't fuck with edibles again but yeah no I mean
you know you got to do
do what you got to do but yeah I mean everything's fucking gonna kill you at
some point I guess you
know like it's kind of crazy she's doing it again I am I'm saying it's true I'm
so I'm so I'm talk about a
dark cloud we're all gonna die of something guys so might as well do might as
well just do a little
bit of everything my dad always used to tell me everything in moderation he's
like you'll never
go wrong if you just cool yeah but it's like if you have but if you have that
ability if you have
that ability you have that ability I learned that I if I do something I fucking
do it so I get all the
way into it so I have to be careful what it is but I'm not like an addict you're
an all-or-nothing
guy yeah I'm a binge drinker I'm a binge drinker that's how I always drank you
drank to get fucked
up you drank to try to drink more than your buddies you had to shotgun a beer
to get in the club and
all just it was just always about abusing it and um yeah I don't think I've I've
I uh maybe like with
wine occasionally there's been like a glass of wine you could have a glass of
that would compliment
when I was eating but then I felt like I really need to drink a water next to
just sort of make
the little bit of a buzz go away because if I just hey I'll have another glass
of wine
yeah that thing's like let's fucking do this