Name: Bill Burr - My Retirement Plan
Uploaded: 2020-07-21T10:58:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - My Retirement Plan' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - My Retirement Plan' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-21. Transcript available.

I'll take the if I'm next in line to you, that's fine. I highly doubt it. But
you're going to be
around for a long, long time. You're never going to quit comedy. It's never it's
not you're not
going anywhere. What are you talking about? You're never going to quit. I am I
am going to become a
slumlord. Are you? My dream is to to own apartment buildings that I can just
live that are paid off
and I can just fucking sit in my bathrobe. And if I decide I want to go out and
do my jokes
at Circus Circus that weekend, I can do it. Dude, you can't you cannot fucking
I just I don't trust
this business. I've just been stolen from so many fucking times. You have an
audit people and all
of that shit. It's just like this game does not give a fuck. No, it doesn't
give a fuck. It doesn't
care about you. So you have to just man up and realize that I am not special.
Right. I watched
on Jeopardy yesterday. The obvious answer was Richard Pryor and nobody knew it.
But then there
was something from the 90s that that all the contestants knew. And I'm like
that right there
is why you cannot invest your happiness, all of your finances and everything in
this fucking
business. Because if you can be as great as that guy, and then young people, I
don't know
who that guy is. You know, yeah, you're cooked. Well, do you think? Yeah, I'm
gonna buy some
apartment buildings. Just have my money diversified. That's all. Yeah, spread
it out.
Going. Maybe the train keeps going. But if it doesn't, you know, right. I got
that old lady
I can call up. I want my money, bitch. Or I'll redo your apartment. Now move
some youngsters
in there. But Bill, you've been so nice to me. No more. Get the fuck out. That
was on
TV, Bill.
Truthfully, what you're saying is real, though, because at the end of anyone's
career, you
only remember people, especially posthumously, in the perfect light that you
wanted to. Like
I was talking to, why can't I think of his name? Chicago comic, too. Been on
the Tonight
Show more than any other comic. Why can't I think of his name? I'm drawing such
a bad
blank. Tom Dreesen. Tom Dreesen. I was talking to Dreesen and he said, like
people remember
Sinatra as this young, beautiful image. But, you know, the latter half of his
singing career
wasn't so beautiful. You know what I mean? It's like it got bad when he was
older. But you
only remember people in this in this perfect little light. So I don't ever want
to get to
the point when you're on the other side of it and people like, oh, yeah, I saw
him at
Circus Circus. It was fucking bad. Like, I don't want to get to that point. At
that point, you're
not on stage for them. Right. You're on stage for you because if you actually
retire, if you
literally, if you just like retire. Yeah. I could not get it out of my head
that I am just
waiting to die now. The thing about working yourself to death is that, you know,
you're just
going, going, going, and then you fucking drop. The genius people are the
people that make
a decent living and vacation on a lake. Those are the people that are smart. I've
been watching
Ozark, right? I was going to, it sounds like it. Yeah. You're going to retire
down there.
Vacation on a lake is the way, if you can get past the racism, you know. Yeah.
Yeah.
This is your choices are basically this. You can go to a Caribbean island and
listen to
wokeness and possibly have, you know, your drink drugged, right? Or you go to a
lake and
you got to listen to people defend the Confederate flag. Now I'm painting with
the broad brush.
All right. But what I'm saying is there's nothing wrong with the fucking lake.
That's what I've
realized. A lake vacation. Yeah. You can take a longer vacation. You can get
there quicker.
You can keep your fucking money. Right. All right. You don't have to deal with
hipsters,
even though they're still going to be selling hipster beer. People would
actually be drinking
it non-ironically. They'll actually like it. Yeah. Yes. You're basically
pitching me right
now. You bought lakefront property and you're looking to get me in there to
rent, right? Is
this Airbnb? No, no, no. No, not at all. I just want, I was just like the, I
think somewhere
around MTV Cribs and then all these real estate shows, they introduce people to
an incredibly
stupid lifestyle. Right. That nobody needs to be living. And then all the
celebrities who
got on MTV Cribs then had to top each other's houses. So then they had
everything all fucking
bedazzled. And then people thought that that, that was wealth. Right. Yeah. And
the reality
is, is you, you know, especially during this pandemic, he can live like, I was
joking with
a buddy of mine the other day. He actually texted me, Dave Kushner, who does
some music for
F is for Family. He goes, you know what's funny? He goes, I realized that I
only really
wear three shirts. And I said to him, that's what happens on vacation too. The
rest of your
wardrobe, I think is for your close friends. So you don't bore them. Right.
They'll still
want to hang out with you. So everybody's like, what do you think of this?
There's this little
number. But in reality, you don't need all of this shit. So yeah. So what I
found is the
combination of being married in the existence of Amazon is the ability of
somebody to just sit there
and click and fill up a fucking house that you have no business filling up.