Name: Bill Burr - Being Your Own Parent
Uploaded: 2020-07-25T15:24:58.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Being Your Own Parent' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Being Your Own Parent' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-25. Transcript available.

oh i brought some over to uh to marin and uh i dropped it off and he texted
back that i i totally
uh endorse your your next career now that comedy's over you should just open a
bakery
yeah he liked it huh yeah yeah i gotta yeah he's a guy i'm just running into i
know i know but then
he also he quit smoking cigars so oh he did yeah have you quit that too i did
and then it came back
it did and got me again well i i quit in january january 13th then my buddy
versey came to town
we were at a lakers game and they have a little cigar place where you can smoke
in the staples
center oh wow so yeah so probably didn't need to know that did you tom well now
you do so i smoked
there um and then i didn't smoke again until may i had two in may because i was
writing some roast
jokes for a buddy of mine right and i just that's like my habit thing like i'm
writing roast jokes
i just like i go on the back porch and i used to i'd have a couple of drinks
and i just start
saying shit making myself laugh and i just write them down and i would just
come up with i i did that
when i had i did a roast of david ortiz oh nice and the roast went great so
that's like my superstition
now so i smoked two in may and then in june was my wife's birthday my son was
born my birthday and
father's day and i did rogan's podcast oh boy so i smoked seven oh my god the
floodgates were open
this is why you have you have i understand why you have a problem coming back
to drinking because it
won't be just one it'll be well i never used to be that way that's what i'm
fascinated by is that i don't
have that addictive thing it didn't come until late in life why i wonder why i'll
tell you what happened
was um i think a lot of it was was i brought it into my house uh-huh i never
had booze in the house
so right i would never think to drink i never had cigars i never even smoked
cigars i didn't i didn't
have them in the house right it's like right now i got through all my cigars
because i got cigars for
father's day and my birthday so i just had you know you know i had to get
through them so i made sure i
didn't get too many so i i finished those and now i don't have any right so now
we're 11 days into this
month and i'm not even thinking about it again right but it's in the house it's
it's literally
whispering to you no no i don't have any of them i'm saying if it was in the
house yes it's like
that's what i i'm like a guy if there's a box of cookies there i'm gonna eat
them exactly if they're
not there i don't have that addictive thing where like i'm gonna you know i'm
gonna steal from my
grandmother and go out and go get some right no but like i i have like uh you
know and all i have to
do is go like you know like six to ten days and if it's not in the house i don't
think about it
because i have a bunch of high-end booze that i bought over the years like pappy
van winkle's and
like that and i walk by it every day and last night was the first night i
actually looked at it and
thought about it yeah and i was like that don't want to do that yeah i don't
want to do that i'm
the same way it's an interesting thing if it's in the house if i know it's
around and and i do the
shopping like i usually pick up the food and i'm like i'll find i'll be like i
shouldn't be eating
like doritos that shouldn't be something that should be and i'm literally as i'm
saying don't
do it i'm putting it in the cart it's like two people in the one head putting
it in the car bring
it home and now i've set up a challenge for myself who else is going to eat
these it's going to be it's
now just putting off how much how long until i eat it i brought it into the
house in the first place
yeah no it's a uh it's something you have to kind of i kind of learned as i got
older that
you have to be your own parent and that's that's the thing that they don't
prepare you for like when
you go off to college you finally move out it's like i remember the first night
um when i moved to
new york city because i i was a commuter i lived home right through college so
when i moved down to new
york my you know mid to late 20s i mean i was living at home right up until i
was 27. i was a
loser whoa but i was but i was seven yeah i moved in 1995 i was 27 when i came
down the city but i i
paid off all my student loans paid off all my debt and saved up a nest egg and
then went down i started
stand up late too that was the thing right right and i kept wanting to move out
but this this chick at
nick's comedy stopped rita said don't move out you got your whole life to pay
rent and mortgage i wish
i moved out so i was just like all right that's smart i'm gonna pay down all of
my shit so that's
what i did and i remember when i first moved to new york and i was hanging out
at the comic strip
you know and lucian was like i already have enough white guys
and i remember thinking like wow i can like stay out all night if i want to i
don't have to answer to
anybody like i learned that at 27 right and um i just think gradually you know
the road got to me
some bad habits drinking and smoking and shit right and then i compiled that
with uh i remember uh
another thing de rosa was renting my apartment in new york yeah and he had booze
in the house
and it'd be cool i'd come over we'd have a couple of belts we'd be laughing yep
oh you know what used
to do we used to watch netflix uh when they first became streaming uh-huh and
anybody with a pulse
could get a special on there and there was some terrible specials and we would
get drunk and we
would watch them oh my god and it would just be the most obscure comics i can't
even remember their names
and some of them would end up being really good but you could tell that they
were like a niche market
like there was this new orleans like legendary comic we love the beast i can't
remember his name
his white dude cajun accent and shit oh wow just murdered well like who the is
this guy and it was
like what i like how wrestling used to be territories like how i never saw rick
flair wrestle when i was a
kid because it was still territories with the wwf up up on the east coast and
it wasn't until youtube
that i got to see all his great promos right um so yeah and anyways i'm getting
off the track here so
then i i went out and i got a i got a uh a bottle of whiskey and i brought it
home i remember i felt
me it made me feel like a man that's right and i had whiskey taking it out of
the paper bag
yeah which should have made me feel like an alky but it didn't
and then i think what ended up happening was because i go on the road you know
i do my shows
had a couple belts afterwards then i came home and then it was there and then i
didn't sort of detox
but then i had a some level of a of a habit addiction whatever you want to call
me i just
think out of out of uh it's almost like you know it's like if i don't eat sugar
if i look at desserts
that i look like why the would you ever eat that yeah no if i just had a cookie
i want to snort a cake
yeah i know and look i always talk about it like uh i'm always big about giving
advice and then doing
the direct opposite but i i do believe that if you can be your own parent and
be like shake up one
martini and then just have that one at five o'clock and then you're good for
the night that would be
great and i try to do that but then in the middle of that one you're like oh
the next one's gonna be
really good this one's so good it just goes by so fast so fast it goes by so it's
like it's like
eating your favorite food you ever eat it so fast the person you're with is
only halfway through and
you're jealous of them i know and like your caveman dna starts coming up like
what if i just grab this
this this pepper thing and just smash him over the head and take it like 2001.
have you ever eaten pizza with colin with colin quinn
no oh my god oh my god because he'll like recruit you if you're at the cellar
or he'll like recruit
you like he's like he's looking for an enabler he's like come with me to joe's
and the same thing it's
like you're just about to take a bite and he's wiping his mouth he's through
two slices immediately
it's like and he has that that real addictive personality of just wow wow yeah
i remember a long
time ago uh another comic with that same thing yeah i made him uh a soft cook
egg which is basically it's
like a poached egg but my mother had this little machine and she gave it to me
or gave me one and
you know that's kind of a bitch but once you get the timer down right perfectly
it's the greatest
thing ever and then when you make a slice of toast right put a lot of butter on
it and then you break
it up and then you put then you drop the egg in there you mix it all up and
then you put some nice
sea salt on top and a little bit of pepper and it's delicious man dude i gave
it to him he took one bite
and then one just went dude it was like watching a prisoner eat and i was just
looking at him i was
like dude i can make you another one and then he just sort of like looked up
and he's like dude i'm
and i was just like wow i get why this guy can't drink because yeah dude he he
it sounded like a saint
bernard would have ate it quieter and slower you literally feel their energy
you it's like a rush it's
like a it's like a like an ocean wave of just of desire
it's like that movie ghost when she would feel him sit like sit in her body it's
the same thing
say if you're just sitting across and watching him devour something oh but
thank god i don't have
that because i i have a lot of respect for addicts that are able to overcome
that because i i don't
think i i don't think i would uh uh yeah i'd like to think that i would but
that's you know
we've obviously you and i have both seen some pretty smart people succumb to
addiction so yeah
that's really a um yeah you know that's why i'm trying not bear i don't want to
get back into it too
because you know we've had some cookouts here just like family yeah things and
i got this this flat
truck you got to get a flat top dude flat top grill it's literally like you
know when you're at like a
like a diner yeah and they got a bunch of pancakes and eggs and hash browns
going yeah it's one of
those but it's portable like i bring it to the rose bowl every year it's got a
little you know gas thing
with it right right and um you know i was i was you know cooking up burgers and
dogs for fourth of july
and i remember you know looking at my wife and my kids and just thinking like
you know if i was
drinking i would be at least two beers in and my wife would start looking at me
being like you having
another one you know and then in my my buzz brain i'm like you don't tell me
what to do i'm gonna have
more my funny bone money that paid for these burgers you know in that dumb mode
i kind of find with
drinking one yeah the way for me to be able to do it is then i need a large
water after it a nice ice
water and when i get halfway through that as my buzz is going down i become
rational again that's right
yeah but it's just like like putting water on a fire yeah but if i don't then
like the you know
the the mr hyde starts going in another one have another one so when it got to
the end dude i was
drinking like a you know i was like a glass this high like i just fill it with
whiskey i mean whiskey
by the way i know it's become trendy bourbons and whiskeys and scotch that is
strong strong stuff that
is not a wine and beer and i was crushing that is all i needed was one ice cube
and i was getting to the
point that's a lot it's annoying me jeez yeah because i wanted i wanted to feel
the bite yeah
yeah no that's that's that's that's put it away for a while time