Name: Bill Burr - Why I Never Drink And Drive Now
Uploaded: 2020-11-17T11:47:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Why I Never Drink And Drive Now' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-11-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Why I Never Drink And Drive Now' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-11-17. Transcript available.

you know what i was like i like reminisce about booze like i actually went on
the internet
and i was looking up uh miller highlife ponies you know the little ones those
little adorable
they're like seven ounces you never heard of ponies i don't know east coast
thing i don't
know what they're just the little ones so they had a little one next to it they
had like a shot
of like bourbon or scotch and i was just like i mean that right there you know
i don't need to do
anything i could just be happy doing that sitting at a bar during the day not
talking to any of the
regulars just being quiet and then occasionally eating a plate of heart attack
food and just
you know and then going home and passing out at like seven at night um i do
like meeting
dry drunks and then reminiscing about your favorite thing to do like i i last
year when i did that movie
for judd and pete davidson um one of the producers had been sober for all these
years and he literally
got to the point of almost being homeless and i was telling him how much i miss
day drinking he's like
oh yeah and he goes you know what my move was he goes i'd wake up at noon and
he goes and i would get
the paper and then i would just go to the bar and just start drinking and i
would just read the paper
and i was just like that sounds fucking unbelievable and then he just goes
doesn't it
just to sit there you have no boss you have nowhere to go whatever your
problems are you're running from
so they kind of don't exist then and you just get to sit there and read the
paper i mean i don't know
kids today probably don't read papers or anything like that but that's just
like i'll read the front
section get into the sports look at the real estate hey what movies are playing
and then occasionally
you know get some fish and chips or something like that i mean i don't know i
like i don't i don't need
to go on vacation if i'm doing that like oh let's go to san tropez it's like
why don't we just find a
good dive bar yeah get there and order some apps and get after dive bars were
my absolute favorite and
i did love day drinking and i would uh i would get hammered but to sustain it
through the night i would
go drink it with my sisters at hermosa beach the pier and day drinking and then
i would just disappear
and go take a nap under the pier to recharge and then to stay out all night and
then be like
where'd craig go and i was like i'm back you know but that was my thing and i i
do miss it that shit
was fun man i remember doing that one time down on the cape in massachusetts
with this buddy of mine
and we got so fucked up even knew we we even knew we couldn't drive and this
was the 80s when everybody
drove like i don't know where this country lost its swagger but back in the day
when i grew up people
had a belief in themselves right so we were both so hammered we knew we couldn't
drive so we were
somewhere near the ocean and then i don't know if you call it a bluff it was
like a hill that sort of
gradually led towards a cliff way off in the distance and then dropped down to
the ocean but it was this
amazing view so we sort of wandered halfway down it was like a trail we wandered
off the trail
and just laid down on the side of the hill like in these shrubs and the grass
like sort of that you
know near the uh ocean sort of plants just laying there and i remember i don't
know how much time
went by but i remember i had been there long enough that i was cold yeah and i
heard this lady's voice
going and then in 1692 the the pilgrims came and blah blah she was doing this
whole thing and then
as it was registering that there was some sort of tour going on
i heard this little kid's voice go mommy why are they laying down in the grass
and then i got up
uh it's all a blur because we were wasted and my buddy had got a flat tire and
i put the jack
under the car and i didn't put it under the frame i put it under the floorboard
and it started to jack it up and then the car came back down and the jack just
went right up into it
so uh oh man yeah i mean and that was it was a whole summer of that i mean from
like
age about like 19 to 21 till i got a dui like it was just it yeah it was just
mayhem just
stupid stupid stupid stupid suburban white kid dumb like that oh yeah i don't
know how i don't
didn't get a dui because they say you got to do it at least like 600 times to
get caught because
there's so many drunk drivers versus the cops and uh that was 100 correct on on
my side the best thing
that ever happened to me thank god is i got pulled over and arrested for that
shit before i i hurt
somebody um because you know i mean that was no yeah that's just but just what
people did it was
mothers against drunk driving was just coming out and i remember part of the um
part of the uh
sentence that i got the community service and loss of license was you had to go
to um
a mother's again two two a a meetings and a mother's against drunk driving
uh meeting so i was like like that was when i was sweating like oh my god i'm
gonna have to sit there
while these mothers who lost their children because of people like me they're
gonna be crying they're
gonna be yelling at me throwing stuff it was the exact opposite showed up to an
auditorium it was
a bunch of drunks sitting in the crowd like fulfilling this part of this their
sentence and
then this poor woman up there trying to tell the story of how her kid died
coming back from band
practice changing attire and these fucking assholes were bitching to her about
their case
oh my god like i blew a point away you know i drive for a living i heard and
this other guy yells he
goes i think there's a statute that says that you drive or there's some so i
think it's called the
something sunson statue and the guy's like i call it the working man statue and
then the ladies up
there yes so as i was saying brian was coming home and that was the thing for
me as i sat there and i was
like wow this is the i'm in this demographic of mouth-breathing fucking morons
i mean i'm smart enough
to know that i'm supposed to be listening to it but still i'm way more like
these people than that
that person up there who has she has her act together so that was like a huge
thing where
and i was also 21 so it was starting to become like where's the fun in this
anymore i'm not getting
away with anything now i'm just blowing money you know inching my way through
college i was horrifically
behind and so then after that i mean i started comedy a few years after that
you know i got through
college i started comedy and then i didn't drink really at all and was that a
dog or something
that's my cat i really get a man i thought someone wasn't enjoying the story i
was like oh
shut up no let them both out they're gonna fight
cats when i started comedy it just turned out the people i started out with
uh bobby kelly dane cook patrice o'neill none of them drank and i was really
like a follower so
if they were raging i would have done it too and they didn't thank god and then
there was a bunch of
a bunch of headliners in boston who in the 80s you know got paid in cocaine and
i'm not even joking
and all of them were getting their wages guarded by the irs they couldn't even
leave the state without
informing them and so many headliners i worked with started off with going you
know their opening joke
was you know or opening line was so i've been sober for you know such and such
amount of time and we saw
really funny people that you saw maybe had missed their window because of that
so it wasn't until um
in the 2000s when my personal life wasn't coming together when i was doing well
and i was getting to
a certain age and i wasn't married and i didn't want to be in a relationship
and i didn't have any
kids and it was just like the only thing i was good at was being a comedian and
so that was like
20 miles down the road and the rest of my life was still sitting there waiting
to start
and i was sleeping on a futon and all that um what i should have done was face
my demons
but instead i met a man named joe de rosa and oh me and joey hit it off now joe
was only in his
20s so his behavior was fine and normal i mean i think joe was like 24 25 i'm
like 10 years older than him
and i was 34 35 and i was like well this is easier i really like this guy i
love joe he's one of my
great friends and where his life awesome yeah where his life is at right now
feels way more comfortable
than me facing whatever issues i have so i got back into drinking and continued
hurting people in my
personal life and uh yeah just i was the worst i was the worst because i looked
like you know the norman
rockwell painting this is a guy you can settle down with and i was a i was the
exact i was a clusterfuck
so um yeah and then then i met my now wife and my whole life came together but
then i sell i don't
know trying to work this then i started selling tickets and i started drinking
beer i was drinking
beer and i was getting fat so i was just rather than quitting beer i was like
well i'll switch to
hard stuff because it's just a teeny weeny thing all of this was just why don't
you just stop drinking and i
didn't yeah so then i started doing that but then what happens is your
tolerance goes up but now you
can drink like a viking that's what happened and then i started making money on
the road and then i
was like oh this is peppy van winkles and so you know now i'm like this you
know top shelf drunk so i
mean i did that to like my late 40s until i was finally like i gotta stop this
i gotta stop so nice well
that's glad you stopped yep i got arrested three times got raided and tried to
hook up with my
cousin so i was like all right i'm done uh first cousin wow yeah so i'm seven
years sober i probably
shouldn't have said all that anyways this is probably hey you know we all have
a different bottoming up