Name: Bill Burr & Mike Tyson - Religion & Spirituality
Uploaded: 2021-02-28T09:25:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Mike Tyson - Religion & Spirituality' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-02-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Mike Tyson - Religion & Spirituality' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-02-28. Transcript available.

Okay, I got a conspiracy for you.
All right, go for it.
I think that water in nature is the toxic waste left over
from the last people that fucked this shit up.
And then we grew out of it.
And to us, it's delicious.
Water's delicious.
And then I think once we're dead and we're all gone,
I think the next people are going to be eating plastic,
you know, like it's apples.
And it's going to be delicious to them.
I'm sure there's a lot of holes in that.
There seems to be a couple of holes in the nutritional value of plastic.
No, but the next people, though.
That means they'll live off the nuclear waste and all of that.
That's the burrow.
I know you don't believe me.
I should look at your eyebrows.
Do you see how his eyebrow went up like that?
Are you an atheist?
Do I know what?
Are you an atheist?
Does that mean I don't believe in a higher power?
Well, that's what you're speaking as if you don't believe in God.
I don't know about a higher power.
I am confused with that right now in my life.
Why is that?
Because I don't understand why God doesn't take credit for his work.
Like, why does he make sociopaths and then punish them?
Who said he punished them?
Well, going to hell and all of that.
I'm Catholic.
What did they tell you?
What did you grow up?
Listen, I used to be a Catholic.
But listen, I'm holding my buttons and I go past the graveyard and all that
crap.
But when you really look at the experts, what do you really think about God?
Forget your religion.
What do you think about him?
How are the elements of what it is?
I don't think he's mad and I don't think he'd get judged for what you did.
I don't.
So he tells you that you think you're navigating your life now?
You think he has nothing to do with you being here, you being the funny man
that you are?
Yeah, see, that's the thing, because I feel that, like, if I do good things,
good things happen.
There's definitely these laws.
See, my thing about religion is I think that people came up because they couldn't
explain how we got here.
So I think everybody has these theories that turned into religion and then
these elements.
It's like if you're a conspiracy theorist, you've got enough conspiracy, one of
them has got some truth in it.
But, like, I think all religions are inherently flawed because they were made
by people who are alive.
So they don't know the biggest answer, which is what happens to you after you
die.
So that's, like, the biggest guessing game.
And I needed a whole new reprogramming.
So what I wanted to do was I went the entire the other way.
This is all bullshit.
People made it up.
You die, you go into the ground.
I went through that.
And now, since then, I had kids.
It's just, you know, there's no way to describe it unless you had a kid.
And then I'm just like, there's got to be something.
There's something beyond this.
There's something.
There is something beautiful behind all of this control of.
So what are you talking about?
The Wizard of Oz?
Yeah, that sounds like The Wizard of Oz.
There's something behind it.
That sounds like The Wizard of Oz.
There's something behind it.
Pull the curtain.
Meet the wizard.
Yeah.
But religion is inherently there, too.
There's this guy.
He's watching you.
He's hanging out.
But check this out.
I know religion has its flaws.
I'm with you 100%.
Okay.
How do you think we would be without it?
You think we would be better off?
Really, really, you think.
Imagine us thinking for ourselves.
No, I don't think you need to go all the way the other way where now there's no
judgment
and blah, blah, blah, the bullshit that I was at.
I think that if there was a...
No, no, since you think it's so bad, just say, what do you think?
There should be no religion.
No, no, no.
I don't think that.
There shouldn't be no Catholic religion.
No.
It's like you're looking at an old house that needs to be redone.
You don't need to tear it down.
You just need to upgrade it.
What about spirituality, Mike?
There's spirituality, your connection with God, without being in any one of
these religions.
I don't know.
It's spirituality, but spirituality comes from religion, pretty much.
It doesn't have to.
You know?
You know?
All right, so you're dictating your own show, then.
All these rules are my rules now, so I'm spirituality, so I'm pretty much, I'm
a prophet, also I'm
God, since I'm going through a spiritual perspective, and it's my spiritual
perspective.
Why don't I write a few lines in the book or something?
Matter of fact, why don't I make up my own book?
People have made up their own book, but I'm sitting over here.
I'm the Jewish guy.
I knew it.
You knew it.
He smelled the Jew.
The ginger smelled the Jew.
It's an old Marc Maron joke.
I'm fucking with it.