Name: Bill Burr - Lay Off The DONUTS
Uploaded: 2021-09-26T12:29:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Lay Off The DONUTS' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Lay Off The DONUTS' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-26. Transcript available.

hey reuben paul just texted me let me send him a nice picture of you don't do
that joe why all
right i don't like the way i look today i'm not just you know i didn't do my
hair bill you're
beautiful and you need to accept it that's right and i am sick of hollywood do
you realize how
hilarious it is that some of these women are just sitting there saying like
hollywood puts out these impossible images to live up to it's like you can't
even fucking live up to
the person down at the fucking fruit stand oh god like where how arrogant like
i don't fucking watch
a brad pitt movie and be like how am i supposed to live up to that i'm grounded
enough to know that i
can't yeah it's uh what are you gonna get mad at next some guy who can dance
well no it always bugged
me too because i was like i was like yeah so you have to look at angelina jolie
and i got to look
at zach efron and actually it does make me feel shitty about myself because i'm
like okay if
that's perfection i'm never going to be perfection they never say it's
perfection you know it what
it is is it's self-involved people going to the they're so fucking self-involved
that they can't
divorce themselves from the fucking movie they're watching well that was like
the chick that did the uh
um the skinny privilege chick that that lady from england did you see that i
imagine she was fat
she was a fat lady from england she did this video she's like skinny privilege
you need to realize
like when you walk into a store and eat a donut and everybody doesn't stare at
you and it's like
nobody's fucking staring at you either this is all shit in your head that you're
projecting out
nobody cares and meanwhile lay off the donuts or don't like no but here's the
thing joe she has
the solution she has the fucking solution there's treadmills there's salads if
you don't want people
staring at you as you're shoving another fucking fucking donut down your
fucking pie hole get on a
fucking treadmill but here's the thing i i hear you i don't think people are
staring at her i think this
is her own self-esteem it's like an alcohol i bet it's yeah about 50 50 it's an
alcoholic sitting
there going you all think i'm you all think you're better than me so joe stop
reciting shit from what
you said last night at the league you know what i mean it's like nobody thinks
they're better than
you dude you're sitting there drinking and you think we're all talking about
you and we're not
like you're just drunk but that's how alcoholics think you know this woman's
stone sober she just
like drunk i'm saying well dude her addiction is food so then what her
addiction does to her
and to make her feel bad is not a drunk thing she's not sitting there going you
drunk piece of shit
you're a loser she's sitting there going you're a fat tub of shit you're a
loser and then that starts
to manifest in other ways here's what i feel about addiction joe okay what do
you think if you have
a fucking addiction that is your fucking problem and you have to go deal with
it stop telling me that
i have to adjust my behavior because you can't stop shooting smack and fucking
eating donuts
that's not my fucking problem it's not my job to try and make you feel better
about something that you
know you're not supposed to be doing she's obviously eating too many fucking
donuts if she's building that
fucking dialogue in her fucking head so lay off the fucking donuts why you know
man it's what do i say do i say people are pigment privileged when i'm fucking
wearing shorts and i
know everybody's staring at my chalk white fucking legs i mean i i just wear a
pair of sweatpants you
don't bother me about the argument you don't bother me about her argument my
mom's always had food
issues and i'll be honest man my heart goes out to people that have a food
issue it's a it's a it's a
substance that it's not cocaine it's not crack it's not a thing that you can
cut out of your life
so i understand it's it's that's a very tough fucking kick um and when i see a
heavyset person
in public eating alone it really isn't joe well hold on let me say this when i
see a heavyset person
eating alone in public even if they're eating crap if i look at them it is not
me judging them
what that's such a sad image that's what i'm saying it makes me feel bad why
are they eating alone in
public that's what i'm saying it's like i'm not judging the guy i'm trying to
think the last time
i saw a heavyset guy just fucking eating alone in public i feel bad for the
person i'm like uh that's
somebody that's that's feeding an addiction i don't i'm not judging them look
at that fat so i'm like
i feel bad for this person man so it's it's sympathy so this chick is saying
what i'm doing is the
opposite of that that it's judgment and it's this it's like it's not it's
fucking sympathy
i'm not thinking anything bad about you i don't want your sympathy you know no
joe here's the thing
she is not dealing with any sort of a solution i agree i do agree with that so
what you're doing
it's like would you let me do my smack in peace well the difference though is
is you don't there's no
there's no world where you have to take in a little bit of smack every day you
have to eat food so if
your if your thing is joe that's a tough joe you need to drink water so does
that mean you have to
drink booze no that's different though it isn't different that's different joe
you can walk into
a fucking supermarket and there's all kinds of fruits and vegetables and
fucking healthy shit that
you can buy it's a fucking choice that you're making and if you don't know how
you if you don't
like the way you look you take positive steps you empower yourself to do that
what you don't start
doing is scolding other people because of your fuck this is your we all have a
fucking problem i have
an anger fucking issue you know why do i fucking don't say you just screamed at
me you just screamed
at me about the fucking hdmi kid i know dude you freaked me out you freaked me
out i don't like the
way you're laughing in my anger right now you are you're an you're you're you're
non-angry shaming me it's
not sympathetic this is the thing joe all of these fucking people are are they're
they're they're just
avoiding their own issues i agree with that and then and then what kills me is
then you owe them a
fucking apology because they're eating donuts i agree with that yeah it's like
that so grow the
fuck up my thing goes in between my thing goes in between it's like dude i'm
with you till you start
scolding me once you start scolding me now i'm pissed because now you're
praying on my sympathies and
it's like i i'm willing to be open-minded and i understand what you're saying
like i've never
walked in and seen a fat guy eating a donut be like that's that point adam oh
it's fucking sad yeah i
i don't know i i just look and i you know in my head i go jesus you know but i
don't fucking say
anything i swear to god dude my my thought is i hope he has love in his life
that's my first thought
it makes me it makes me feel terribly sad but joe i don't i don't think that
they want that either
oh my god i feel so bad for you joe most of the world is starving to death so
if there's somebody
going in there with mantis eating a fucking powdered donut like how much
sympathy am i supposed to have
i know that's fair that's fair i thought you look you know the fucking the japan
they drive all those
dolphins into the cove and they beat the fuck out of them and you're sitting
there eating a donut and
i gotta fucking take time to feel bad for you oh my god uh uh uh oh