Name: Bill Burr - How To Travel A Third World Country Like A Pro
Uploaded: 2021-12-27T14:30:55.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - How To Travel A Third World Country Like A Pro' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - How To Travel A Third World Country Like A Pro' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-27. Transcript available.

because somebody was trying to explain to me what Puerto Rico is because there's
so many of them in
in Tampa this weekend and I couldn't help thinking about how many impoverished
Latin islands there
are and we just we've you know Turks and Caicos is the lowest per capita income
of anywhere in
the world and yet it's a fucking huge tourist destination that's why I went to
the Dominican
Republic one time and you get on this bus you land there you get on this bus
and they what they
immediately do is they drive the bus as fast as they can through some of the
fucking most jaw-dropping
poverty you've ever seen in your life dude like 10 fucking shacks and then they
stick you on this
resort and they got these walls that look like fucking seated junction the wall
pole yeah you're
you're not on a resort you're in a resort that's got prison walls around it and
you can feel it
yeah if you get too close to that wall you're going to get fucking yoked over
and then that's it then
your face is going to be on CNN you cutting into the birthday cake you know
that classic white guy yeah
missing picture yeah he's always sunburned like the first half of the vacation
had gone well yeah and
then they always have that little neutral area like I went to Cancun and it's
like that where it's
basically a sandbar with fucking uh Johnny Rockets and TJ Fridays and Banana
Republic's built up on it
and then there's part of the fortress well it's part of the fortress and then
there's this little
middle ground where you can go and you can buy indigenous beads and you can
have a taco from a
lady who has a bottle right and then you get the fuck back before it gets too
dark but they they tell
you how to get down there but you don't go anywhere except there I did a dumb
tourist thing when I was
in the Dominican Republic I'm like I'm sitting there I fly all the way to this
different culture
right thinking I'm going to see some different shit next thing I'm sitting in a
bar pool talking to
some guy from Cleveland yeah and it's just like why the fuck did I come here so
I'm going to get
out of here so they had this little thing where you could go horseback riding
and go into these
fucking mountain things which ended up being great but the thing is the guy who
took us there had to go to
his house first okay so we pull up to his fucking house and dude that's the
whitest I've ever felt
I'm in the middle of these goddamn tin shacks and there's people just looking
at me and this guy is
going into his house it's taken for fucking ever and I'm just sitting there
trying to play it cool
and I just keep thinking about you know arrested abroad and all these types of
fucking shows and
fortunately we got out of there and like when we were when we were on our way
there I was thinking
this is going to be great all those fucking idiots sitting there drinking pina
coladas then they
might as well just been in Florida yeah but when he made that pit stop I was
just like wow this is
one of the dumbest things I've ever done and he's laughing and in your head you're
going like either
he's just so at ease with me that we're about to have a great time or he's
already laughing at my
imminent death oh yeah and you don't know because what are they going to get
out of me like it would
have been a kidnapping situation I have no idea but I gotta tell you we went
out there only time I've
never ridden a horse we fucking went into these caves and shit had to go
underwater was awesome
no it's it's always worth it if you if you have the ball live but the thing is
is you do like when
I was 18 I uh I got out of high school I saved up three grand I was I was a caddie
during the day and
I and I cooked at TJ Fridays at night I got three grand I got a backpack and I
travel around Europe
by myself for six months I fucking went to you know through through Spain and
through uh through all
over Ireland all over Scandinavia all over France Greek islands bouncing around
on boats I didn't have
a fucking worry because once you're over there you realize there's nothing to
be scared of you know you
realize you you have your gut about you you you kind of know what's wrong and
right there's certain
areas dude Amsterdam remember Amsterdam I was out late at night and those those
fucking drug addicts
who steal the bicycles yeah this dude comes up dude he's got I don't know what
he had scabs all over
the side of AIDS no I don't I don't know what it was but he comes up he's a hey
guys on a live bike or
whatever and we were just like nah man we're good and he just goes and then he
just starts scratching
the scabs and I was sitting there and I was sort of boxed in and I'm just
thinking front kick that's how
you always handle a junkie you always got to go front kick yeah right just
right to his fucking
brittle bones you don't want to get your hands dirty don't get anywhere near it
you don't get
scratched so I just sort of did like a side sort of subtle sidestep you know
like a stretch
I'm getting the fuck out of here yeah no this definitely is like we both I don't
know we both
grew up with enough sense to know and then people know that you know people
that get myself in
situations out LA is fucking weird LA is but you generally can exude a certain
confidence and know
how that people look if I'm mugging people forgetting I look like Ron Howard it
doesn't matter it's all
in how you carry yourself I mean if I'm looking to mug someone I'm looking for
path of path of least
resistance and if a guy looks like he's gonna make eye contact with me I'm not
fucking with that guy
dude if I was um if I was actually a mugger and I saw the amount of times I
would actually break my
nose in a mirror because I saw my face and I thought it was an easy time
you'd mug you I absolutely do
oh my god
oh my god
oh my god
oh my god