Name: Bill Burr - I Was ALLOWED To Have A Wild Childhood
Uploaded: 2022-04-24T02:47:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - I Was ALLOWED To Have A Wild Childhood' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - I Was ALLOWED To Have A Wild Childhood' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-24. Transcript available.

Where do you think that comes from, the desire to kind of be a, you know, a sh**t
disturber like that, you know?
That was sort of my, my, the family I grew up in.
I remember describing it one time to a therapist, and he sort of described it
like Lord of the Flies,
because I had, I had, like, I had four brothers and a sister, and it just, it
was a pecking order.
Like, you know, my dad sort of f**ked with all of us, right?
My older brother, you know, messed with me on down, then I messed with, you
know, everybody beneath me,
and it literally went all the way down to the dog, and like, everybody f**ked
with the dog,
and we had this little West Highland Terrier, and we turned it into like an
attack dog.
Like, we started off, played like the glove game, where you took a Gardner
glove, you sort of mushed it in his face, right?
It bit your face.
No, and then, yeah, eventually it did. It ended up biting too hard, so then it
became like a hockey stick.
Not like hard, just like you're digging for a puck in the corner.
And at that point, it learned how to do that s**t, you know, where they bite
and they, they do like that.
They're trying to, like, break the neck. That's why they do that s**t.
And we thought it was hilarious, but then the dog started doing it to us, and
one day I was f**king with it while I was eating,
and it actually caught me in the face. It got me, like, I had to get stitched.
My dad's a dentist, so I actually went in, and he stitched me up.
Your dad stitched you up.
Yeah. He used to do it a lot at home, because, I don't know, I don't like
talking about this s**t too much, because it's a little bizarre, I think,
nowadays, the way people grow up.
But, yeah, we used to, this is what happened. We would get into fights, me and
my brothers, and someone would end up needing stitches, and we always said the
exact same lie.
I was running through the woods, and I tripped. That's what we would say, and
we would always cover.
Like, one time, I picked a big rock up, and I threw it at my brother's head. I
just, I don't know why I did it.
I sort of threw it this direction. I didn't think it was going to hit him, and
I nailed him right on top of the head, and I apologized, and he was, you know,
and then he's, what happened?
I was running through the woods, and I tripped. There was a lot of that.
There was no internet. There was no f**king things. There was nothing to do.
My brother, I saw one time, he jumped out of a tree, and there was this stick
that was pointed up in the air, and he landed on it, and for half a second was,
like, impaled on it, and he looked so ridiculous.
We were laughing our asses off, including him. He was laughing, because he felt
stupid, but then when he landed, he lifted his shirt up.
He was bleeding, and then, of course, you know, once you saw blood, you were
freaking out, so then we would go in, and my dad would be like, oh, for Christ's
sake, I don't need this s**t, and he'd take you upstairs, and go in the
bathroom, and then, like, whoever was the oldest had to, like, assist was
basically what happened.
I remember I got over being queasy with head injuries, but when my brother,
with his chest, there was a little bit of tissue, not to gross you out, but I
really, I almost passed out. It was f**king nasty.
I didn't realize dentists were so, uh, surgically.
No, no, no, my dad, my dad's hardcore. He was actually, uh, well, he just does
dentistry when he's, like, you know, that's like whittling to him.
He's, um, no, he used to work on babies with cleft palates. That was the funny
thing about my dad, so by the time he got home, his patience, it was, it was
over.
So, I mean, we kind of, he was like, uh, sort of Mike Ditka meets, uh, like, a
bookworm, because he was, like, a really smart guy, but he definitely had a, he
definitely had a level of intensity, you know, that you didn't mess with, you
know, he's a great guy.
Got to throw that in. I always get nervous, you know, because when you talk
about this s**t, either people come up and, like, dude, that's hilarious, my
dad was just like it, or you get these people, like, oh, my God, he felt like a
monster.
He's like, no, he's a s**t. Took us, you know, took us to church every week,
made Sunday breakfast, taught me how to drive when I was, like, 12, back when,
uh, uh, malls weren't open on Sunday, and we'd go down there. He taught me on,
on a stick.
Yeah, that's, see, I, uh, we're about the same age. I wanted to ask you what
your favorite.
Yeah, 53.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, don't tell everybody.
42.
Yeah, yeah, I just turned 39, and I was going to ask you what your favorite
thing was about growing up in the city.
70s, because when you mention playing in the woods and getting impaled on
sticks and not having the internet, these are the kinds of things that I did
growing up in Canada.
Yeah, the games. Like, I mean, when it rained out, there was this, we lived on
a busy street, and there was this area that this big puddle would grow up,
would just sort of build, and would get to a certain level.
My mother was fine with it. We'd go out with T-shirts and our shorts, and we
would walk, and we'd stand on the side of the road and point at it as motorists
came by.
And these people would drive their cars to, five, like, basically toddlers to,
like, a nine-year-old.
Like, God knows if it's too deep, it might make you drive over. They didn't
give a fuck.
It was the 70s, and they would just drive into it, and all this dirty puddle
water would wash over us, and my mother would fucking hose us down outside, dry
us off, and then we'd have dinner.
That's one thing I actually, looking back, was great about the 70s, was I was
allowed to have a childhood.
I was allowed, like, all this shit wasn't, you know, I mean, occasionally
someone would get a dirty magazine, and it would be, like, this unreal thing.
But, like, I, when I was a kid, thought, you know, right up until, like, the
age of, like, 10 or 11, I thought, like, where I put it in, I thought it was
right in front on a female.
I thought it was literally, it didn't make any sense that, where it is.
I mean, it makes sense now, but just, I had no idea.
But now, if I knew what to click as a 3-year-old, I could just hit images and
see it, right?
The innocence is gone.
Yeah, it is.
And now we're kind of told, I would think people are more told what they're
supposed to do for fun now.
Like, you have to go out and be a little more creative back in the 70s, kind of
invent things.
And you could just open the door, and you could go outside, and there was no
worry of any sort of, like, anything was going on.
That's what I remember.
My mother would just, she worked the late shift, and she would open the door,
and she would just send us outside,
and then would literally ring a dinner bell for us to come in.
And we would just, you know, we did all sorts of shit that she had, you know,
rode our bikes to McDonald's one time on the side of the highway.
She had no idea, like a fucking, like a 9 and a 7-year-old.
And nobody stopped.
People just kept going.
Like, there was really no, I don't know.
I think it would be all of that.
Oh, my God.