Name: Bill Burr - Why Are You Going To Indianapolis, Bill?
Uploaded: 2022-04-27T01:26:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Why Are You Going To Indianapolis, Bill?' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Why Are You Going To Indianapolis, Bill?' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-27. Transcript available.

I had an incident on the airplane going to Indianapolis where this guy just
started interrogating me.
He thought I was some sort of flight risk.
About what?
I don't know. He was on something. I don't know what happened. I was sitting
down.
So he's just a passenger?
Yeah. I didn't know if he was a Sky Marshal, but he ordered a Dewar's in the
beginning and he just slammed it.
Neat. So I'm like, this guy's not a Sky Marshal. This guy's boozing it up.
So he just goes to me. He's like, we're just sitting there.
And he just says, he goes, hey, are you afraid to fly?
Oh, God.
And I'm like, what? He goes, are you afraid to fly? I go, no, I'm not afraid to
fly.
And he goes, is you sure? Because, you know, it's okay. You can tell me if you
are.
And immediately I'm looking at this guy. What do you mean? It's like, okay.
What is this like interrogation 101, build a relationship with your subject
thing that you're doing here?
And I was just like, no. He goes, all right. Because, you know, he's just kind
of fidgeting and looking around.
I was like, no, man. I go, I'm cool.
He's like, oh, you like to fly? I'm like, when I'm up here?
Because, you know, I bump myself up. I go, when I'm back there, I don't like it.
And then he goes, he's all right, you know. But, you know, you can tell me if
you're afraid to fly.
So now I'm just like, dude, I'm not afraid to fly.
So, and he's staring at me. And I put my hand like this to show that it wasn't
shaking.
I go, I'm not nervous. All right. Thanks for asking.
And then he goes, well, anybody can do that. And I'm just like, oh, Jesus
Christ.
And I just said, look, dude, I'm drinking water. You're drinking Dewars.
Okay. And he goes, that wasn't Dewars. Right. And I'm just like, all right,
this guy.
So I'm sitting there.
You saw him order it.
Huh?
You saw him order a Dewars.
Oh, yeah. He said, let me get a Dewars.
And she brought it over neat. And he threw it back like he was drinking baby
milk.
Right.
I was impressed. This guy's old school.
Starting off good. Right.
So then there's like five minutes of silence. More passengers are getting on.
And then the guy goes, hey, you know, I'm sorry, man.
I just just got off on the wrong foot there.
Right. He goes, my name's so-and-so. What's your name?
Asked me like what my name is.
And I was thinking of saying something like Steve, you know, or some silly.
Lenny Clark.
I wish I said some silly name, you know, but I didn't think of one.
I just went, it's Bill.
And he goes, oh, cool. He goes, why are you going to Indianapolis, Bill?
He started doing this shit.
And I just look at the guy and I go, I'm like, yeah, I don't have to answer
your questions.
Whoa.
I don't. He has no fucking authority.
You're not a sky marshal. You're drinking booze.
You're an asshole. What do you want?
Are you afraid to fly? Go fuck yourself.
Leave me alone. Right.
So then he goes like, all right, now, now I'm concerned.
OK, I am concerned.
OK, why are you going to Indianapolis, Bill?
Right. He says this. Right.
And they close the doors and they're doing all this stuff.
And I just I just start like I joked on my podcast.
I just started smirking like Ryan Gosling.
You know, he does that little Mona Lisa smile.
You just kind of smile.
And I'm just sitting there shaking my head at the guy. Right.
And I'm literally taking out my eye pillow.
I wear like a mask just to say I'm so not worried about anything that you're
going to fucking do.
All this passive aggressive shit just to piss this guy off.
And he's go, why are you going to Indianapolis, Bill?
And I just just kept I didn't say anything to him.
I just kept laughing, just kept shaking my head and was taxiing down.
And he goes, dude, because he goes, I fucking do this for a fucking living.
So F F F F and all this stuff.
The lady in front turns around, starts looking at we're taxiing down the thing
because you don't answer my questions right now.
I'm going to hit that call button.
I will hit that call button.
I will stop this plane and you will be fucking arrested, like saying all this
stuff.
And I'm just looking at him, smiling, shaking my head, like, go ahead and push
it, dude.
Let's see where the fuck this goes.
This is going to be hilarious.
What happens?
Does the pilot come out?
Right.
Does the police car pull up to the plane?
No fucking clue.
So he goes to push it and he can't find it.
It was kind of a weird place and he finally found it and he hit the button.
I'm like, holy fuck, he hit the button.
This is hilarious.
And I'm just sitting there.
He goes, now you wait.
You fucking wait.
Blah, blah, blah.
And I'm just sitting there smiling, shaking my head at him.
I'm like, dude, I don't care.
I don't care.
You're not, you have no fucking authority.
You're not going to hit me.
You're not going to do anything.
You're on fucking something.
Right.
But I'm not getting that.
Dude, if that guy had a vibe like he was going to punch me, I would have been
up in the aisles.
But he didn't.
He just had like that.
It was like a kid throwing a temper tantrum.
He wanted like this.
He almost seemed like he wanted to be an army ranger, but he didn't quite make
it.
What did he look like?
What did he look like?
He was like a wiry dude.
He was in good shape.
You know, wiry dude.
White dude.
Like that dude who f***ed that Trayvon Martin kid who wasn't really a cop.
Yeah.
But he wanted to be a cop, so he took it to the next level.
And here's the thing.
I could have squashed the whole thing and just been like, look, I'm a comedian.
I'm going to Indianapolis.
If you'd like to come out to the show, I could have done that.
But I'm a dick.
And I hate, I hate fucking, I hate authority.
And this guy doesn't have any, so f*** him.
So I just laugh.
Now he pushes the button.
So then the stewardess comes over and she goes, yeah, what's the problem?
He goes, this guy is a flight risk.
I am not comfortable flying with him.
Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, and all this shit.
I was surprised how few people were looking around.
People were just kind of sitting there and this guy was wigging out.
And I'm just sitting there.
And then the stewardess was like, all right, did anybody else see any behavior?
And the lady was sitting in front of him, pointed at him and said, yeah, he was
berating.
And she pointed at me.
He was berating him.
And I'm just like, perfect.
So I'm literally putting my f***ing eye mask down as I'm talking to him.
Just going, hey, I'm just a guy trying to go to Indianapolis.
This guy, he's drinking Dewars and he's dropping the f***.
And then I'm thinking, f***, I said, b***h.
You know, it was going to be a problem.
But that wasn't a problem.
And this guy's just doing this thing where he wants to win.
He wants some sort of recognition of whatever the f*** he thinks he is.
The plane's still moving.
No.
At this point, it f***ing stopped.
It pulled over.
I forgot that part.
It pulled over and stopped.
Dude, it's a f***ing red eye.
Okay?
It stops.
Another stewardess comes over and he goes, what's the problem?
And he goes through the whole f***ing thing.
And it's like, basically, the captain at this point is going, do I really have
to come back there?
It's like, really?
The red eye f***ing flight?
My last flight of the day?
I used to fly combat missions.
You know how f***ing boring this is to fly this f***ing bus?
I don't want to deal with this f***ing bullshit.
So I really have to come back there.
And then they finally asked him, they said, hey, are you going to be
comfortable flying with this guy?
And he, uh, I think they acknowledged that he had some sort of something there.
So he goes, you know what?
No, it's okay.
It's going to be okay.
Just put whatever, right?
That he had some sort of something.
Like some sort of power that, like, they checked with him.
Like, you're going to stand down, sir?
Like, whatever f***ing spy he thought he was.
So now we get back in line and we're taxiing.
And as we're going down the runway, I got my eye thing on.
And I'm just sitting there and he's yapping in my ear.
He goes, you think this is f***ing over?
You think this is f***ing over?
And at this point I'm laughing.
I'm holding my stomach and I'm f***ing laughing and just driving him nuts.
And I'm having a f***ing ball with this guy.
And he goes, you know, my dad's the CEO of some f***ing company in Indianapolis.
And he starts saying that he's going to have me f***ing arrested when I land.
And he starts describing the view I was going to see from the jail.
Like some Law and Order episode.
Did you get a picture of this guy?
Did you take a photo?
No.
Oh, how could you not?
You should have been filming video this whole entire time.
Yeah, that would be amazing.
Can't you just be in the moment and not turn into a film crew?
No, because then the story's even better.
The universe gave me this f***ing moment.
I'm telling this story.
I don't, you know.
So he f***ing, so then I got my things down.
And then finally he's going, yeah, oh, you're going to love the view from the
jail.
You're going to see Lucas Oilfield and blah, blah, blah, and all this s***.
And then he finally...
Lucas Oilfield.
That's where the Colts play, tell me, like this view.
Dude, it was such hacky interrogation.
Then he finally said, he goes, you know what, I'm glad.
I'm glad.
You know what, I f***ing hope you do something.
I f***ing hope you do something.
We're up there.
And I'm f***ing bursting.
What?
I hope you do something.
And I'm sitting there with a blindfold on laughing at him.
It was driving him f***ing nuts.
It was great.
So then five minutes of silence, ten minutes of silence goes by.
And I'm finally thinking that maybe this s***'s over.
Or is he just sitting there staring at the side of my head?
And then all of a sudden I just hear, right as I'm starting to nod off, I just
hear,
why are you going to Indianapolis, Bill?
And I just laughed.
So, dude, my adrenaline was f***ing going.
I was just like, wow, they're going to stop the plane.
This is f***ing intense, man.
This is crazy.
What's going to happen?
And I'm totally innocent, so I got to kind of watch it happen.
So then I couldn't sleep.
So I was sitting there with that stupid mask on for like a half an hour.
And then finally I was just like, all right, f*** it.
I got to take it off.
And I got to deal with this guy.
And I take it off and I look over and he's just passed out, head hanging, this
f***ing special ops guy.
You know what you should do?
Completely passed out.
You should f***ing waylay him with a huge haymaker right in the face and then
immediately pretend you're asleep.
No.
No, because someone would have seen that.
But they're all asleep.
No, you know what I did?
Was I immediately started pounding waters because I didn't have to go to the
bathroom.
And I wanted to get up on the plane just to see if he was going to f***ing wig
out again.
So you made yourself go to the bathroom?
No, I started slamming waters.
Just so that you would have water in your bathroom?
Yeah, so now I have to go to the f***ing bathroom like you can't believe it.
And this f***ing guy's passed out.
I held it for the last hour.
He didn't wake up until we landed.
And then we pulled up to the terminal.
And I got out.
And I stood up and he wouldn't look at me.
And I'm thinking, hey, he probably slept it off and I was feeling f***ing weird.
Hopefully.
And the lady in front of me got up and she just goes, she smiled and she said,
hey.
And I just said, hey.
And I go, that was an interesting one.
And then he had the pillow like this, Joe.
He had it behind there in some weird position in some sort of like alpha male
way.
He tried to get some sort of tough thing.
The last word.
He took the pillow out and he threw it down between his legs and he like grunted.
He went like, ugh.
Like he threw a pillow down.
That was it.
That was my trip to Indianapolis.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.