Name: Bill Burr - Can Joe DeRosa Catch A Roadrunner?
Uploaded: 2023-01-26T18:20:55.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Can Joe DeRosa Catch A Roadrunner?' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Can Joe DeRosa Catch A Roadrunner?' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-26. Transcript available.

He was great.
You know what I actually learned about this past week?
I actually learned about Roadrunners, Joe.
Did you, Bill?
Yeah, first of all, they don't, believe it or not, Joe,
they don't look like that fucking bird on that cartoon.
I don't believe it.
No, but I actually thought that they were.
What do they look like?
They look like a fat blue jay with like a mohawk.
And they got like sort of muscular legs.
And they're actually, I think, brown with like spots on them.
But they're small?
First of all, they can only run 17 miles an hour.
So that horse shit that they do, I mean, oh, it's a cartoon.
But I think a coyote could catch a, I was going to say a raccoon,
a fucking Roadrunner.
But they're small.
They're not like, because I always thought that was like the size of an ostrich.
That's the way they make it, like a supermodel ostrich.
That's the way they made them.
Yeah, but he's not that big.
No, no, dude, it's like, I swear to God, it's like a fat blue jay.
And they can run like 17 miles an hour.
Basically, Joe, on your best day of your life, on a bicycle.
No.
I don't know how fast 17 miles.
That's pretty fast, it seems like.
Can a human being run 17 miles an hour?
What about those guys who run like a three-minute mile?
And then they look like, literally like they're going to die?
I don't know, that's fast, dude.
17 miles an hour?
Dude, I could run 17 miles an hour.
You get in a fucking cab, I'll catch it.
There's no fucking way.
Wait, 17 miles an hour?
I'm not saying I'd do it for an hour.
What's a three-minute mile?
What's that breakdown into?
Well, it's really like a four-minute.
It's like a four-minute mile, four times, yeah, you're running 20 miles an hour,
right?
Wait.
No, if it's three, it's 20 miles an hour.
Wait a second.
Okay, yeah.
Wow, I'm stupid.
Wait.
Four goes in at 60, what?
Goes in there once with two left over five.
That's 15.
Mm-hmm.
What does that mean?
It's 15 miles an hour.
I just got a fucking headache doing that.
It's 15 miles an hour.
I just added that up, gave up with a number.
I'm like, all right, that's 15.
It's like in the middle of some flint slam, and I totally forgot to scam.
See, and I'll fucking vacuum up the rug with that shit.
Dude, I don't even know what the fuck that meant.
Do you know I can't do that?
I can't even figure it out.
I'm impressed that you figured it out.
I was done.
Oh.
I was done.
I had nothing on breaking that down.
So, wait a minute.
So, that means if it goes in, what the fuck?
Four minutes.
Four minutes, so you would run 15 miles.
Four into 60 goes 15.
15 times.
That's 15 miles an hour.
That's 15 miles an hour.
Yes.
All right?
And he does that for three minutes.
So, at some point during that, he's running 17 miles an hour.
So, maybe I couldn't do it.
He doesn't.
It's either a four-minute mile or a three-minute mile.
Dude, he doesn't run the exact same speed the whole fucking time.
Because you've got to figure, he's starting off, he has to get up to 15 miles
an hour.
All right.
So, to compensate, shut up.
For the first four seconds of it before I fucking have a brain cramp again.
He has to run.
Right.
He has to run like 17 at some point.
But I think the bird can sustain the 17 miles an hour for longer.
I know, but I'm saying you sneak up on it, Joe.
Jesus Christ.
Do you watch the Discovery Channel?
No, it's gone, dude.
Do you see how fucking animals...
Animals aren't like people.
They don't build up to it.
Like, an animal just...
Boom!
It's at 17 miles an hour immediately.
So, I'm talking about Barry Sanders today could catch a fucking Roadrunner.
I'd put money on it that he couldn't.
Huh?
Joe, this isn't a cartoon, okay?
It's a fucking real Roadrunner.
It doesn't make that stupid beep-beep noise.
You don't set up an anvil to drop it on it to catch it?
No, he doesn't run down a road either, which is...
Well, first of all, you know what I learned, dude, is they fucking eat rattlesnakes.
And the way they do it, and I've been scouring, if that's the right word,
YouTube, trying to find a video.
Roadrunners eat rattlesnakes.
And the way they kill them is they use their wings like a matador.
So, they strike and they just hit the feathers.
The balls of that, first of all.
Because don't they have those little arms on the top?
Yeah.
Don't they have the little baby arms, right?
Little pterodactyl arms.
Yeah.
Yeah, I got it.
So, yeah, so they do that.
They sit there and they shake it at it.
Once it goes to strike its feathers, they grab it by the tail, and they slam
its...
They whip it and slam its head against the rock repeatedly until it's dead.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.