Name: Bill Burr - When Is It Ever A Good Time To Cheat?
Uploaded: 2023-03-17T23:23:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - When Is It Ever A Good Time To Cheat?' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - When Is It Ever A Good Time To Cheat?' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-17. Transcript available.

when is it ever a good time to cheat and I I my thing is it's such a despicable
move that that I
don't think there's ever a really good time to cheat unless unless she's so far
cheating on you
you you have the well what was I supposed to do excuse well you can actually
just have a picture
like I mean come on no I know it's painful but come on I mean look look at it
no it's painful
well what was I supposed to I know it's painful oh have you ever been cheated
on has anybody ever
cheated on yeah yeah uh it's gotta be okay and probably way more times than I
actually am aware
of yeah that's gotta be that's a thing to do it's but I never I I dated a girl
and she she ended up
she knew this other couple and they were married and I'm not going to get into
the details because
I'm not going to try to out people but whatever she was spending time over
there because they were
working in the same field and the wife was getting jealous and she used to come
my girl would come
home to me be like I would never do that I would never whatever so she annoyed
me so I broke up
with her and then like six months later I just started doing comedy no I was
about a year and
a half into doing comedy and the wife from the other couple came out to one of
my shows she's like oh
my god I heard you're doing comedy had to come out to a show and I was like oh
yeah yeah go where's
your husband and then she was just like and she teared up and said oh she's
with so-and-so now my
ex-girlfriend was with with her husband yeah so there's no way she at least
gave the guy a hand
when we were oh yeah oh yeah they're filthy filthy and the thing is is only
guys seem to to to have the
reputations probably because we're so bad at it and women have that intuition
and they just can smell it
they just know something's going on and women are just you know what's that
expression like uh
about the secrets in a woman heart woman's heart it's a really creepy one I'd
mess it up
you know that oh you're the worst dude last night I slept like a stone
yeah it's like when you got six eggs and a dozen of dozen nuts yeah dude I'm
bad with that stuff but
dude it's brutal man like we were in Indiana man and these these four women
from Iowa showed up
you know to this like after party all married and this girl married women are
the worst and she goes
married women in their 40s uh the they they go through this midlife crisis of
like am I still hot
right and then and you combine that with the fact that they've been with some
dude for 10 15 years at
this point and you know whatever his testosterone levels of going down and it's
just with their head
and dude when they go out you know they get a sitter and they put on their I'm
going out glitter top
dude when they come up for a picture afterwards it's like they've never even
understood
no they don't get sexual harassment how many times did they put their arm
around you they got their
hand on your ass they go to kiss you they're rubbing your chest it's like get
away from me
dude it's it's really fucking dudes don't know she's like yeah this is our
girls weekend out we all left
the husbands at home they're all hunting or whatever and like she was like I
was like do you cheat on
your I was like do you do you cheat on your husband like the way she was
talking and she goes
what the do you think of course honey okay like in other words like grow up and
she goes yeah I'm a
local reporter the weather mess and I was just like jesus but that but that's
not a good indication of
women do that no no no I'm not saying that that's like no no no I'm not I'm not
saying that that's
women but like the whole cheating thing like is there ever a good time I gotta
I gotta tell you
like I can't the amount of times that like you know a woman like that comes up
to me and just
immediately comes up like she's gonna kiss me full on the lips and I pull away
and she's like
and she looks at me like gee what's wrong with you think what's wrong what's
wrong with you weirdo
yeah red wine breath you know you know get away from me you know I literally do
like you know if
it was if it was acceptable to mush a girl in the face I would just push their
head back with the
back of their heads touching the top of their back I would you know how I know
the real horse
because the real horse no this how do you know the real horse Paul this is how
I know the real
horse because I talk about my wife and my kids a lot in my act and that
literally that makes the
like all decent girls all the decent girls yeah yeah that's a good indicator
right I talk about
Nia they all they all fucking but there's always a few stragglers yeah there's
always the few that
are like so you know I'm fighting like dude it's yeah like it's just it's like
did you hear me
talking about the love I have for my kids you fucking slut we were in New
Jersey we did that theater in
New Jersey and oh that was hilarious dude all those those so you had like a
dude yeah dude we do the
count count facey in Jersey and these two girls are waiting to talk to Bill and
all of a sudden they
just basically gave him a proposition they just basically were like two girls
that were like hey
we want to without saying it we want to have a threesome what you can build
just goes
yeah yeah don't think my girlfriend would appreciate that no you know what I
hate it you know what I
hate it I actually talked about the podcast was the fact that that that door
guy cockblocked they're not
like I was going to do anything what door guy the guy who worked there cockblocked
it because they
they said their proposition and he was like 10 feet away and he just he does
the whole like whoa what's
going on over there oh I'm not going to do it I'm locked down can I at least
for half a second have
the ego stroke of the fact that these two girls were going to do this just go
hey now watch out
it's like those Heineken commercials remember that that dude from 30 feet away
not 30 he was close
what's going on over here yeah look out
yeah but like those girls those girls were shameless those girls were just like
hey so we
want to go get some and I was so naive at first I didn't get it I go dude they
want to really go
get some no they said hey you want to go get some banana pancakes it was a it
was a bit was it a bit
it was the bit that I did but I can't do it like the way they said it it was
just and I just saw
you kind of just look back yeah I don't think my girlfriend would appreciate
that and then they
kind of just it was like that awkward like leaf well also to make it seem like
I'm not like some
titanium dude here like they you know they were you know yeah yeah they were
kind of you know
middle of the road and the real good ones go hey good luck with your babies
good luck with
your family like then you're like oh man these are real you know and if they're
really hot you get
mad in a way that you actually brought up that you're in a relationship but isn't
it amazing how
a girl could be such a sleaze like this one girl goes no what are you doing
tomorrow and I go I'm
flying back to New York and she literally looked at me in the eyes and she
rolled around she goes
you're flying back to New York tomorrow we're gonna go to a lounge you want and
it was like
no like I have a family no did you get it did you that's why one of the best
years I had on the
road was when I wasn't drinking because I didn't run into any of those people
but if you hang
out you end up running into those those maniacs I told one time dude you ever
run into the one I shouldn't be
telling I shouldn't I shouldn't be telling these stories one time I think I'm I
probably did it
yeah you should of course you should it's a podcast let's do it I told neither
the story anyways right
one time I was I was in I'm not gonna say where I was I don't get anybody in
trouble okay I was
I was I was not home Paul I was on the road so the feature acts go you know let's
go out to the
club get some drinks blah blah so I got to this club and it's like literally
like the dance club and
so I'm already feeling old but you know I'm still having a good time you know
looking at
everybody all the beautiful people it was great so we were in this little like
area that had like
these couches so we're sitting there drinking and there's this other crew of
people like couples that
kind of came out with us with a couple extra girls or whatever and we're
sitting there drinking and
everything and I stood up to talk to the feature somebody and I feel somebody
like grabbed my ass
and I turned around I literally thought it was going to be some dude like being
like an idiot
I turned around was this this blonde chick I was just like hey hey what's going
on or whatever right
so I sit down she starts talking to a friend who's sitting on the other side of
me she leans across
me has both her forearms on like my legs like basically if you took them out
her head would
have fell down under my dick so I'm sitting there like what the right Jesus and
I see she's got a
wedding ring on Jesus and I go I'm going hey hey whoa hey what's going on I go
aren't you like
married or something like that she goes no my husband he's been blah blah he's
on my space this
how long ago he was saying he was on my space and he's always I always catch
him looking at you
know talking to these hot girls on there do you think anything's going on I was
like
hey you know I don't know whatever you know she's like leaning on my leg and I'm
like where's where's
your I go well where's your husband tonight she goes oh he's sitting on the
other side of me
oh my god dude and he was sitting there like completely ignoring her like going
through his
phone like their marriage was basically over and it was like I really got upset
with it because it's
like you're you're basically testing to see how much this guy still cares about
you with my face
oh my god
oh