Name: Bill Burr - They Are Making You Do Their Job
Uploaded: 2023-04-27T15:20:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - They Are Making You Do Their Job' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - They Are Making You Do Their Job' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-27. Transcript available.

I actually yelled at one of those, what the hell do they call those idiots
there who search
you at the airport? TSA or whatever the hell they are? I call them the security.
I call them
Joe. I'm going through security, right? Right. Okay, I've done this a million
times. I know
what I'm doing, right? I get everything off. Everything's great. I go through
that and they
say, sir, we need to check your bag, sir. Yeah, of course. And they take out a
thing
of toothpaste. Tom's main toothpaste. No fluoride because I'm true to the show,
right? So I
go, it's toothpaste. You can't have any liquid or gels. And I go, it's
toothpaste. Well, we
consider it a gel. I'm like, it says paste on the side of the thing. And she's
like, well,
you can go back if you want to. I go, what? Uncheck my bag? I didn't drop the F
word.
No, you're a bigger man than I am. No, dude, I'm not going to do that. No, I do.
No, you
don't. You don't drop the F bond with those $8 an hour people because they'll
take you in
the back room. I'll tell you a story when you're done with your story. Oh, am I
boring you?
No, no. I'm saying I'll tell you how I react. Oh, I thought it was some passive
aggressive
thing. Hey, dude, whenever you finish. Whenever you're done, Bill. Yeah,
whenever you can get
around to it. No, but dude, I've just, I don't know. I've just realized that's
the new
thing with corporations. They're having you do the job more and more. You've
bring a rental car back. You've got to write the gas and the mileage down. It's
like, dude,
I don't work here. It's ridiculous, man. I saw my brother like literally took
the keys
as he got out and the guy's going, stare, stare. And he just fired him right at
the
guy's chest. He goes, I'm not doing it. It's ridiculous, man. I got tied up in
security
at the airport the other day and you know, the gray tubs that you put your in.
Yeah.
They were so off their game that coming, that the tubs were lined up all the
way to where
they come out of the conveyor belt. Yeah. With people that they were like doing
random
checks on. So everybody's all backed up in line. My share at the very top of
the line
had just come through the machine. And I'm like, all right, I can't hold up the
line because
these morons can't do their job. So I take all my out with my laptop and I walk
over to
the table at Burger King. Uh-huh. I put my bag down and I put my laptop on top
of a brand
new laptop. It slides off my bag, just boom, bounces off the floor because
these morons,
if they had their together, I would have put it in the bag when I was supposed
to. And I
just go like that. It just echoed. I was going to say, there's no way you're in
a terminal.
There's no way you didn't get the echo off the linoleum floor plate. Yeah, dude.
But it's
ridiculous. Nobody, nobody does their job. It's absolutely absurd. I, I dude, I've
had
meltdowns. I had a meltdown in, I think I already told this story on the show,
so I won't tell
it again, but I've, I've meltdowns at the customer service desk in Best Buy. I've
had like five of
those. Dude, my thing is just don't do their job. No, not, not the idiots, dude.
I'm talking
about how now they're making you do it. I was in Arizona and they had these new
things. You go
to the grocery store. They, they want you to check yourself out. Right. It's
like, I went
to college. I'm not, I'm not checking my, I'm not, I didn't get divorced. I'm
above this
job. Have somebody else bring up my bananas. That's funny, man. And you know
what I love
is that they only have two of them. They just have two, just testing, just
trying to get
you, get you used to it at first. Kind of like they're just putting microchips
and dogs
like that isn't eventually coming our way. Right. So they can just, they can
laser you
from outer space. Yeah. Half the that we're probably talking about here, just,
just with us.
Dude, it's over. It's over. We're in bad shape. We're, we're, we're in really,
it's, you can,
you've turned me on the conspiracy theory stuff. I used to think you were wacko
and I've totally
come to your side. Dude, I'm going to tell you, I have no, I have no idea what
they're really
doing. These are obviously just theories, but I'm just saying, I, my thing has
always been,
I don't know what's going on, but I know it's not what you're telling me. That's
it.
I'm not saying that there's aliens and you know, I don't know, pick one of
those, those
complete, you know, the flying saucer came out of the ocean. I'm not talking
about that. I'm just
talking about how they ease you and they just slowly turn the screws and these
idiot people
are standing there checking themselves out. Well, look how much corruption,
look how much
corruption there is. Just, just take it from show business. Just start there.
We're in show
business. Look at my, how much corruption and dirty play goes on just amongst.
At this level. At just this
level of show business with guys that have marginal power, marginal authority
and marginal
money compared to real rich people. Right. And then just take that up 20 notches.
Yeah. But
somehow if you have like an American flag waving behind you, then all of a
sudden that these guys
actually give about you, they don't like, I've never felt more expendable than
when I, when I go
through airport security, the Marines aren't there anymore. Remember after 9-11
was great. They had a
couple of Marines there, you know, they got the M16. They had the goddamn bayonet
there. It was great. It was like, great, good.
That freaked me out more though, to be honest with you. I loved it. Cause I
wanted a guy with like, you know,
with those, that gun where you got to feed the bullets into it. I wanted a Jeep
in
there. I wanted the whole thing. And anybody remotely with any sort of, I don't
know, anybody with flip-flops, you, you, the gun right on one of those guys
with the curled up Jesse
Ventura cowboy hat from better, that's curled up on the sides. Yeah. That's
what I want. I want a couple of those guys from, uh, Apocalypse Now, those guys
who were hanging with, uh, Marlon Brando when they left the program. That's
what I want at the airport. I don't want, this is what it finds. Like when you're
in the
80s, it's pretty much, uh, it's pretty much like black dudes, Puerto Ricans
when, and then when you're in like Nebraska, it's like some 80 year old white
dude. And then like a 30 year old white guy or a white girl who has still has
like braces. Like they finally got money for like orthodontics. Yeah. Everybody's
annoying. It's the,
anybody that works that job, whether they're, whether, whatever the race or
culture is, it's just infuriating. And then also too, you know what? This is
what I hate too. I was on the plane. I think I texted you about this. There's
nothing worse than when the dumb stewardess on the airplane does the
announcements in like a funny way. Oh, like Southwest. Yeah. And they're just,
she's just sitting there. Like the one waitress she goes, or stewardess, she
goes, uh, she goes, ladies and gentlemen, this is a non-smoking flight. So you're
not allowed to smoke. And you know, on second thought, just don't smoke.
It's bad for you. And I care. So, you know, just don't do it. And everybody's
laughing. They gave her a round of applause at the end of the flight. And I
want, I.
Now, didn't you have, then talk about airline safety. Didn't you have the urge
to just kick that cockpit door in?
Yep. And just for the, for the sanity of the world, just fly that thing into
the ground.
Yep. Yeah. Just sacrifice. I do. You would have been a hero. I would, I would
have figured out how to carve you on a marble with a mic stand and a, and a
flag behind you.
I would have put it up right down in front of the comedy cellar.
Say this man is a hero. I would, I would make that Vietnam Memorial with your
name right across it.
Joe DeRosa.
I want to be sitting in the chair, like, like, uh, Lincoln.
Oh, my God, uh, uh, uh, uh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.