Name: Bill Burr - Why I Never Perform On A Cruise Ship!
Uploaded: 2023-07-04T17:16:58.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Why I Never Perform On A Cruise Ship!' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Why I Never Perform On A Cruise Ship!' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-04. Transcript available.

i went on a cruise one time and it freaked me out it did freak me out and my uh
my girlfriend at
the time was just going we should take a cruise and i'm like i don't want to i
don't want to go
on a cruise and she goes why not i go because i i you know i've like most of
the books i've read
are classic books so it all half of them take place out at sea mutiny on the
bounty moby dick
oh hell yeah old man of the sea the count of monte cristo even if one point he's
on an island and
he gets on a damn boat and just all these keel hauling horrific uh you know
just wooden ships
getting crushed so what was hilarious was my girlfriend at the time and her
other girlfriend
laughed at me that i that i thought it was you know scary thing and i swear to
god like within two
months like i forget what happened to this cruise ship it either collapsed or
collided with another
one yeah and people died um horrible and i felt vindicated by the death of
those people
when i was on that cruise ship though like they totally lied to me
where like they asked me to do the cruise ship and i was like i don't want to
do this i don't have an
act for a cruise ship oh you do some act that you have to do some comedy on
there yeah yeah it's a
bunch of old people i just no i don't want to do and they're like no we're the
young hip cruise ship
this is where all the kids are going today so i'm like they offered you good
money and they probably
of course yeah it was great money so i'm like all right i'm gonna do it so i
show up i get in the
van to go over and i'm with a juggler swear to god nice enough guy but he juggles
he juggles
juggles yeah just different craft started off plate spinning at open mics and
then worked up to
juggling and eventually was going to get a puppet so we we get on the boat i
get on the boat the
first thing i see is like this i swear to god 120 year old like vietnamese lady
sleeping with her
mouth open and literally has the platoon in the rice field hat on i swear to
god i'm not being racist
it was it's cultural she was wearing it and she had her mouth open and she was
missing like from
six to eleven for those of you in the dental field that's canine to canine and
i saw that i'm like
i'm gonna eat my balls this is gonna be horrible so i go down in the front row
no she was like one
of the first people i saw when i got on the boat she was already asleep there
was no excitement oh my god
we're going on the cruise um the family probably brought a vietnamese flag so
they could have a
burial at sea just slide her underneath the thing like a death so anyway so i
go down to go do the
show and it's going to be me the jugglers going first and then i'm going to
close and i can't curse
and there's one yeah one show late at night that you can you can you can do
your real act or whatever
in the lounge so the the host comes up to me like this total guy smiley hey how
are you nice to
live here you know the blue blazer full head of slick black black hair and all
that and uh this is
he goes out i know i've told this story before if anybody knows me but he goes
out to the crowd
and this is how he wants so he comes out he goes hey how's everybody doing you
feeling good and he
goes if you're happy and you know it clap your hands and they did it and they
did it and right then
i'm literally going like oh my god what am i going to talk about what am i
going to talk about then the
juggler comes out he's doing the seal thing the thing you know going over and
stomping it up dude
it was like it was like lawrence welk wouldn't book these guys in the late 60s
okay so and they and
they had this little band that played so i went and you know when i go out and
the curtain is drawn you
know i'm i'm standing in front of the band is right behind and i go into my
stuff and i am dying a
miserable death and the only thing that's making keeping me going is the band
is laughing because
they're like you know born about the time i was born and i remember at that
time this is how long
ago it was this is when that movie the titanic was a big deal and i was like
and i said hey did any
you guys see that movie the titanic and it was just crickets so i go all right
let me rephrase that
how many of you were on the titanic right and then they all go oh and i'm like
what you're old what
am i supposed to do here they told me you guys were going to be young and i
just said and they
would die and laugh and and then that was what ended up happening i ended up
hanging out with the
band and they started telling me all these hilarious stories about working on a
cruise ship where one
time they they were they were on this cruise ship and they got like the two big
propeller the props in
the back yeah and one of them kept crapping out on them and they knew they
should dry dock it but they
had a cruise so they risked it one more time and they went out there and one of
them died so now
the best they can do is half speed so they're not going to have enough time to
go to cancun and all
the places they're going to be so this is like when back then when you went out
to sea there was no
internet so right so the captain lied said uh you know unfortunately you know
we were going to go into
cancun but there was a hurricane it's an act of god it's beyond our power and
everybody's like oh
long story short somebody had a heart attack or some sort of medical thing and
immediately they had
to go to the closest port i forget what happened and they pulled in yeah they
pulled in maybe they
didn't have a helicopter to get the guy off i don't know what but they pull in
and there's like
bright sunny day in cancun there's two other cruise ships there everybody is livid
and you know
anybody yeah the captain everybody's nowhere to be found and all that but long
story short on that
thing i wish i saved the letter the captain wrote a letter about how mean i was
and how i was no racist
i was a racist i was offensive to the handicap because i had a joke about midgets
and
all of this stuff and um oh my god you should have saved that letter i should
when i never had
it i should have asked for it oh yeah because when i called up the agency to
get the feedback you
know once they said the captain wrote a letter did you get paid did you at
least get no i got paid and
it was like yeah but the whole thing too is they had me like my place where i
was staying i was like
on like the lower deck of the ship with like the round porthole i was down
there with the provision
right and it was like one night there was rough season and it wasn't really bad
but bad enough you know
yeah and it was just like i saw some of the spray coming up near my window and
i was just like
too close oh yeah no i needed a cyanide pill just to relax so i just had that
option
Oh, my God.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.