Name: Bill Burr, Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Wildest Fantasies
Uploaded: 2023-08-18T22:24:58.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr, Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Wildest Fantasies' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr, Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Wildest Fantasies' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-18. Transcript available.

private island yeah i could do it it can be done there's islands to be bought
no yeah i'm going to
the bahamas thursday no they have like you know what are you going to do out
there going on a
cruise in the island island of dr moreau just going to slowly go crazy yeah
become like 400
pounds have your face painted no i got i'm gonna i want to own a bar that is
the all like the
majority of the eating is in the sand it's covered by a hut it's next to like i
want to be next to
like a passport control so everyone's got to stop in on my island and go to
their get to clear the
passport to go from the british to the american virgin islands and then i'm
sitting right there
and they come by and they're like the ribs over there are amazing he makes
three things he makes
ribs he makes french fries and he makes hot wings and they're amazing cute and
he makes friends and
he makes friends and he does stand up every night christ your island i love
your your society 2.0
imagination i live a fantasy someone was talking the other day about reading
books
i go no no i have daydream and like what do you mean i go i literally will sit
there today i was
sitting here i cleaned that man cave because i knew you guys coming over and i
sat and i was daydreaming
about like the silliest stuff like just like i would go daydream for daydream
with you what do
you got oh i can't it's so silly i can tell you my daydream yesterday yeah was
that i show up to the
stanhope taping and johnny depp comes up to me and he's like he's like hey uh i
listen to the podcast
she's been telling you're absolutely hilarious if you ever want to just hang
out like you should hang
out and just jam on guitars i'd be like oh cool and then doug would go hey did
you talk to stanhope
or to johnny depp i was like i did and he was like he's talking about the
guitars i go yeah doug's
like let's just all bail on this and go back to step to depth like i literally
had a fantasy
i've done that my whole life this is all pedestrian so far okay see i would
have taken it to the
point then i went and i played the guitar and it was so unbelievable and joe
perry just happened to
be there all right next thing now i'm jamming with aerosmith yeah i'm singing
backups that's real
by the way and then when joey kramer does some great on drums somehow i shapeshift
and now i'm
playing the drums because that's the cool part whenever i listen to a song
whatever the
best part of the song is in that moment i'm doing it every song male or female
like every solo i'll listen to aretha franklin just think that i had a cartoon
voice like mel
blank and i could sing like that for a character on my show i think like that
when i'm walking around
my dog stopping terrorism single-handedly oh my god do you ever think about uh
rescuing
like school buses full of kids i think that'll be my big what's gonna happen
hero fantasy and you're
all like oh shucks after you do it and oprah wants an interview but you turn
her down because
that's not why you did it oh yeah no i i that was the first 20 minutes of me
walking my dog today
dude you got to be a dreamer man what the else you're gonna do yeah i think
about that all the time
about like i'll get on a plane and i'll be like who am i rescuing first yeah
when this goes down and i
remember thinking i have plane rescue fantasies all the time oh all the time
especially if i see one
of them walk on board then i really start to fantasize about one of them yeah
yeah absolutely yep
yeah i get they're the worst no do you start to like fantasize about like about
taking a weapon out
of their hand oh i've fantasized about that and then doing a throat slit that's
not our fault because
we grew up on all those action movies that's true yeah we'll blame them yeah
yeah it all seemed
believable do you think do you think i because we had the a period where like
homeless guys were breaking
in to the houses around here and i i like did my scenario like of how to take a
gun out of someone's
hand the way to knock it sure like hit their hand hit the gun but you got to do
it work to the open
part of their hand and you take it away and then take it from them put it right
back in their face
i've caught serial killers and rescued people that were down in a pit oh in the
house yeah
have you a couple of gunshots and i walked out like it was nothing
you ever that was the most amazing bravery we've ever seen i was just and i
still made it to my gig
just bandaged myself up
do you ever do you ever fantasize about that one saving your okay so guy breaks
into my house
bunch of young kids break into my house uh they don't know i'm there i come in
because if they did i do i do it who avoided that i do a leg sweep like this
one guy standing back to me
i kick his feet and he hits the ground right yeah i then disarm the other two i
get them down they're
apologizing just let us go sir and my line to them is i'm gonna have fun with
you guys i was gonna say
you're gonna have a catchphrase oh and um this is gonna take a while and i'm
gonna torture them
on a box like in game of thrones that's that's on the movie poster yeah this is
gonna take a while
gonna take a while oh i think our fantasies are good torture when especially
rescue torture fantasies
yeah the flip side of that is i have i always start to do that and then i was
like i can't do that
because then i become i have to just put a bullet in somebody's head i couldn't
like
oh i couldn't listen to the screaming that's that's why i get out of the
fantasy like i don't want to do
that yeah i'll just just give me one right i don't know i get around the center
of the ice i was uh
walking leanne i was leanne's like go check the backyard make sure the uh whatchamacallits
are in
the trash cans are in but it's it's real hard to get around because everything's
closed off so i gotta
come around you gotta kind of like do an inspection so i have a flashlight that's
also a stun gun
and uh i'm going around did you buy that off bobby kelly i bought it off amazon
semi semi-automatic
flashlight they got a hat that's got a weight a lead weight in it so you take
it off and you hit
someone with it i got a bunch of i got a gun that shoots uh you're gonna walk
around with
that extra weight on your head compressing your neck at that point you kind of
you got to be hoping
more i want to use it right of course i fantasize about which way to ventura
what did you say
oh my god