Name: Bill Burr - Reads the Story of 'Curious George' to His Son
Uploaded: 2023-12-02T01:08:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Reads the Story of 'Curious George' to His Son' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Reads the Story of 'Curious George' to His Son' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-02. Transcript available.

Dad, Daddy, can you read me Curious George, please?
Absolutely, my goateed little son.
Thank you, Daddy.
All right.
Oh, this, oh, Curious George Goes to the Zoo.
This was one of my favorites when I was in.
Yay!
Okay.
This is George.
George is a good-looking little monkey.
Oh, George is a good little monkey and always very curious.
Today, George was feeling very excited.
The man with the yellow hat, he owed taxes, so he never gave his name.
Why did you throw that part in, Daddy?
How did you know I threw that part in?
You can't read, you cunt.
Well, Daddy.
The man with the yellow hat, don't tell Mom I said that, was taking him to the
zoo.
Okay, is that proper for a full-grown man to take a hairy little monkey boy to
the zoo, Daddy?
They're speaking in code.
They're going to go score some smack in this little red-roofed house there.
Daddy.
This is the first red-roof end.
Daddy.
Filled with crack holes.
And as they drove, the man explained to George that this wasn't just any zoo.
They're going to Brooklyn.
That they were going to visit.
Remember Old Dirty Brooklyn?
A little shame on you.
Daddy.
It was called Old Dirty Bastard.
It was one of the-
Stop!
Be nice, Daddy.
Read-
Go up to your mother right now and say, Wu-Tang.
Wu-Tang.
Daddy.
Read nice.
All right.
Oh, your mom's already read this book, so you know how it goes?
All right.
It's called the Wild Animal Park, the man said.
All of the animals roam around freely.
They must be down Wall Street.
Daddy!
When they arrived, George saw a huge banner.
George looked up at it, but he could not read the words, because he's f***ing
illiterate.
Daddy!
No swearing, Daddy!
I didn't.
I said fudgical.
A friendly zookeeper explained.
Let me tell you something.
There's no such thing as a friendly zookeeper.
What do you mean, Daddy?
They all hate animals, and the only thing they hate more than animals are
children.
If you ever go to the zoo and you get lost, do not trust a zookeeper.
Daddy, stop!
All right?
Stand near the f***ing reindeer, and I'll find you.
Daddy, be tender!
It's an extra special day here at the Wild Animal Park, she said.
What does that mean?
You know, I went to the zoo one time in Iceland, and they actually had pigeons
in there, because
those were exotic to them.
Wow, Daddy!
And cockroaches.
They actually brought insects there.
That sounds fun.
What a nice add-on, Daddy!
It was.
Did you take a creative writing class, son, that you already know what an add-on
is?
Are you making fun of me, Daddy?
Absolutely!
Daddy!
I'll tell you right now, between you and me, I don't think you're mine.
Daddy!
Ow!
Your mother and I went through a rough patch six years ago.
Daddy!
It's our baby rhino's first birthday.
We're going to have a party for her later on.
A party!
Yeah, of course, because it's a female rhino, right?
If that was a male rhino, they would have skipped right over it.
Daddy, you're too angry!
Only a f***ing broad rhino could still figure out how to have a goddamn
birthday at the zoo.
Daddy!
Jesus Christ, let's go dig up some plant for the f***ing queen.
A party!
That was going to be a wonderful trip to the zoo.
Stop swearing, Daddy!
George tried to walk into the park where the animals were, but the zookeeper
stopped him.
You can't walk in there, she said.
And he said, yeah, you can.
I'm a f***ing monkey.
Trying to get back in here and get away from that weirdo with the yellow hat.
What's a f***ing monkey, Daddy?
F***ing monkey is what they all are, because they'll rip your face off when you
don't give them enough...
Daddy, I'm scared!
Hey, well, welcome to life.
To explore this zoo, you have to ride in one of our special cars.
She pointed to a huge car that had no roof on it.
Huge car.
It's a f***ing two-wheel drive Suburban.
I didn't even know they made those.
On my way!
Oh, my!
What fun this was going to be!
George and his friend climbed on board, and the car drove into the park.
Okay, Daddy.
That's enough.
Can I tell you something?
How soon before somebody gets mauled by a f***ing leopard on one of those
things?
Where?
Because they used to view you and the automobile as all one thing, and now they're
starting to separate it.
The lions...
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!