Name: Bill Burr - Drunk Dialing Joe DeRosa
Uploaded: 2023-12-18T18:34:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Drunk Dialing Joe DeRosa' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Drunk Dialing Joe DeRosa' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-18. Transcript available.

All right, Joe, you had a message, but before you play it, can I at least tell
the story?
Yeah.
All right, this is what happened my last night of drinking.
This is basically why I quit, Joe, was I was, or took a hiatus, taking
inventory.
I was down in, I was at this club, I'm just going to remain nameless, and I can't
believe
I'm going to tell this story.
I hope they don't have XM here.
Anybody in this story better not have XM or I'm going to get a fucking letter.
Basically, what happened was I was, I've already said when the gig was, so they're
going to
be able to do the math.
Fuck it, I'm saying it.
I basically did this gig, right?
It was the end of the night, and this couple who I guess I had partied with the
last time
I was down there, which I didn't remember.
So I already, but when I came to town, I'm like, dude, I'm not drinking this
week.
You know, you just say when you come to town, right?
I'm eating lettuce, I'm doing sit-ups, I'm going to come home, I'm going to be
shredded,
right?
I'm going to write jokes every night, you know?
Yeah, you treat it like prison.
Yeah, and then you're hammered, jerking off the tube eight.
Yeah.
It's so bad, dude.
It's pathetic, right?
So basically, I get off stage, all right, and they're already sitting there,
and they
already got, I was drinking Jameson last time I was there, so they already have
one ready
for me.
And I'm, you know, signing my CDs, whoring myself out, and they're like, hey,
Bill, we
already got a drink for you.
So I'm sitting, you know, I don't want to be a jerk.
Right.
You know what I mean?
Like, I hate when, like, somebody buys me a drink, and I go, ah, I can't have
that,
then they think, you know.
Right.
Oh, what, are you too big for me?
Yeah.
Can't drink Coors Light anymore?
Yeah.
It's probably some awful beer.
So I'm like, all right.
So I go over there, and I drink one.
Of course, I got to have a beer chaser, right?
Then they get me another one.
They're shooting the shit.
Ah, you know, the guy's girl is, you know, she's a little whore-ish.
Right.
The alcohol's kicking in.
She's got tattoos.
And the night's on.
Next thing you know, he's like, ah, yeah, I work at a bar down the street.
Bam.
We're down the street.
Next thing you know, more Jameson.
Boom, boom, boom.
Hammered and all this.
Dude, I'm really getting paranoid that they have XM.
I don't know if I can.
The story basically ends.
I just, she tells me she's not wearing any panties.
Okay?
Jesus Christ.
The dude is like five feet away.
She's showing me she's not wearing panties.
Of course.
So then in my hammered state, I look over to the other comic I'm with.
I'm like, ah, she just showed me her clam, all this stuff.
And then her, whatever he is, sticks his head in between the two of us.
And he's like, what happened?
What's going on?
And I immediately went, oh, I just put up this chin-up bar.
At my house, I tried to play it off.
Then she gets, I swear to God.
Then she gets all, and I'm wasted, dude.
She gets, and then she gets all in my face with like this red wine breath.
She's like, well, you got to kiss me.
You got to kiss me.
I'm like, I don't want to kiss you.
She goes, I just showed you my clam.
Whatever.
She didn't say clam, whatever.
She goes, you got to kiss me.
And I go, I'm not going to kiss you.
Your boyfriend is like two feet away.
Dude, it was brutal.
Then she walks off, and now she's over there having a little powwow with him.
So as the comedian is talking to me, I'm acting like I'm listening, but I'm
really watching
this other dude waiting for the glass up to the side of my head, which I
totally deserve
at this point.
And the last thing I remember her was walking up, asking me if I had any Coke.
Right?
So they end up leaving.
Now, mind you, I have to get up in like four hours to do radio.
They end up leaving.
I was just going to have one, and now I'm still there.
I'm like, yeah, let's have another one.
And I stayed there for like another three.
Dude, I think I had like nine.
How did you get up for radio?
That's the worst part of the story.
Because of a company man, Joe.
I guess like the next day, like the guy I was working was like, dude, do you
even remember
any of that?
Like, do you remember when we went, do you remember when we went to go get
pizza?
I was like, no.
I don't even remember anything after leaving the bar.
Evidently, I went into the pizza parlor, and the host of the feature act, he
met some
chick there.
So I guess he already knew her, and he was trying to close the deal with her,
and I was
hammered.
I thought he just met her.
So I was just like, he killed tonight.
He was hilarious.
That guy killed.
Who was the feature act that saw you?
No, there's no names in this story.
In this state, this poor kid that probably looked up to you.
I'll tell you off there.
There's no, oh, dude, come on, man.
We laughed the whole weekend.
I don't give a shit, right?
So then basically what ended up happening was, now at this point, I'm
completely blacked
out.
I don't remember any of this.
And evidently, I went back to my hotel room.
You got the message ready?
Yep.
And I drunk dialed Joe DeRosa.
Because at this point, I think I was already taking stock in my life that I can't
do this
anymore.
This message is more embarrassing than anything he did in that story.
This is just so, it's just so, Danny, you know when you just see something,
and you go, that's so fucking gay.
Yeah, you get the douche chills and you feel like you can't listen.
Yeah, well, you better put a coat on for this one.
You're going to get, I'm going to cure global warming with these douche chills.
Here it is.
I'm Rosa, go Burr.
Miami is the devil's armpit.
I'm drunk.
I just spoke some truth in my own reality.
Oh, what does that even mean?
Fucking asshole.
You got to admit, dude, for eight Jameson, nine Jameson, I'm not slurring too
much.
I don't even know what, you know what that in my drunk mind was?
I had made up my mind that was the last time I'm going to be involved in that
situation.
I already felt, I already felt, dude, I felt horrible.
Dude, you know what it was?
It was one of those deals with that couple, like their relationship was falling
apart.
And you just ended up being the catalyst to probably, they probably broke up
after that night.
I'm so happy that I missed that phone call.
Why, dude?
You could have kept me on and, I wouldn't have to do a show.
I couldn't have recorded it.
There was no way for me to record it, and I just would have been cornered with
your drunk fucking, you know,
Hey, you show me a clam.
You show me a clam.
And then that would have spiraled into some theory about the country.
That's what's wrong with this country.
They're going to bankrupt it.
They're showing us clams to distract us from what's really going on.
I can admit, I don't think, I don't think it's that bad.
It's definitely douchey, but like when you do, the way you, the way you hyped
it up to me, man,
I thought I'd talk for five minutes.
That was a nice, quick little.
No, it was a quick, but you just.
Straight right of douche chills right to your grill.
As I said, the, the, the, just the air of, of pride and confidence in your
voice that you really just said something.
That's the worst part of it.
You, you can hear that.
You're like, yeah, man.
I just, I said it.
And you're like, oh, you fucking.
Oh, 40 years old.
I'm 40 years old.
And I left that.
I mean, that's the kind of message you leave sophomore.
Maybe end of freshman year in college.
I mean, that is just pathetic.
Oh, that's great.
Yeah.
So anyways, so anyways, people listening at this point who haven't just like
projectile vomited with that, that message.
Yeah, that was it.
And the next day I woke up, Joe, and I felt, I felt so bad.
I mean, if the people who are listening, man, I apologize for my behavior.
I'll take 50% of that.
Okay.
You know what I mean?
My, my half of that.
I apologize, man.
I, my behavior was ridiculous.
And, uh, and I am not sober.
They're not listening.
Don't worry.
You're in the clear.
You're in the clear.
They're not listening.
Nobody's listening, Bill.
We can say whatever we want in here.
You can confess to a murder right now.
Wouldn't make a bit of fucking difference.
Oh, my God.