Name: Bill Burr & Joe Rogan - Bill Burr Fights A Monkey In Costa Rica
Uploaded: 2024-04-15T17:39:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Joe Rogan - Bill Burr Fights A Monkey In Costa Rica' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-04-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Joe Rogan - Bill Burr Fights A Monkey In Costa Rica' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-04-15. Transcript available.

I was in Costa Rica and these army ants just took over our little, I don't even
know what
you'd call it. There was like these expatriates had literally this giant tree
fort that they
lived in and then they had these little bungalows so you had to walk up a
ladder to get into
and these things just took over the place and the guys like came walking. I go,
yeah,
there's like a thousand ants in there. Like they were all in single file and he
just came
watching. He goes, yeah, those are the army ants. He goes, yeah, you just can't
do anything
about it. We're standing there looking at them and I got like these flip-flops
on and he goes,
you can't do anything about them. You just got to let them pass through. It'll
take a couple
of hours. And he goes, watch out though. They bite. And right as he said that,
one of them
bit me and I was just like, dude, you got to be kidding me. So they had a
monkey. They had
a spider monkey. A pet? Yep. Not really a pet. I mean, not a pet by its choice.
But he hung out.
Yeah. They had it. No, they had it as a pet by their choice. The monkey was,
was a prisoner.
Oh. So, so he's in a cage. So I went over there and it's, no, it's sitting on
top of like,
looks like a birdhouse. So like an asshole, I walk over to this thing, like
giving it food and
everything. And it jumps on me in two seconds, it jumped on me, inverted, had
its tail wrapped
around my neck, reached into my pockets, took my bungalow keys, and then ran up
the tree with the
keys to my bungalow. So I couldn't get into it. And it all, it all went down in
like, like 0.3
seconds. The thing just went, and I was standing there feeling subhuman. I was
like, I just got
outsmarted by this thing. Like this is one for their side. And the monkey was
up there looking at
me. And I know it's at me going like, oh, you dumb motherfuckers. Keep it right
in your right
front pocket. I get it every time. So then I was sitting there going like, all
right, all right,
right? You want to have a battle of wits? Here we go. So I get some food, right?
So I come down
and I know I'm judging its leash, how far it can jump. So I get all the way
back down on its little
birdhouse, which was probably about three feet long. So I'm sitting there
walking with the food
and it knows I want the key. And it's actually holding the key away from its
body, seeing if it
can have its cake and eat it like a human being. So yeah. So I get the food.
And what I did was I set
it. I took a big chunk of whatever it was. So it would need two hands. So it
set down my key. So
it set down the keys on the other side of the thing. And then it was walking.
It was slowly
walking towards it. And right as it got to the food, this is why I'm a sadistic.
So right as it
got to the food, I've slapped the food off the house so it'd be out of its
reach. And then I grabbed
the keys and ran. And this thing leapt at me. I swear to God, I could feel its
breath. And I
made it away to the other side of it. And it was pissed at me. And I was
standing there. This is
me in Costa Rica going, yeah, you mother. Right. So here's the funniest part.
Right. So I go to my
bungalow and I'm still kind of pissed at that thing. And I go in, unlock the
door and I'm sitting there
for like 20 minutes reading a book or whatever. And then I just got, I don't
know, I just started
thinking about the monkey. And I looked out the window and it was sitting there
all by itself,
looking all sad and everything. And then I felt bad. So then I went and I got
food and I didn't have my
keys this time. And I actually kind of made friends with the thing after that.
But I felt when I saw
it all lonely and she was like, you know what, this thing's a prisoner. It
doesn't want to be here
and I'm being a dick. I got to give it the food. So I gave it back to it. Yeah,
I felt bad.
That's a happy ending. I felt bad. I don't got it in me. Oh, that's cute.
Oh, my God.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.