Name: Bill Burr & Joe DeRosa - Picking Up A Girl Without Alcohol
Uploaded: 2024-07-13T19:38:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Joe DeRosa - Picking Up A Girl Without Alcohol' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Joe DeRosa - Picking Up A Girl Without Alcohol' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-13. Transcript available.

it's impossible i'm trying to think if i ever picked up a girl without a drop
of alcohol in me
you can't the booze is the booze you have to say it like that every time the
booze it's the it gives
you the confidence to be mr hey when we go you know when we go back to my place
and it's the
lure it's the lure to get a girl back to your place you go up to her you're
hanging out bar
closes you go you know i got drinks why don't we go back to my place and have a
drink and she goes
um okay you can't do that sober you can't it's impossible sitting in a coffee
shop next to a
girl you need it to get your courage up and she needs to she needs it so she
won't feel like oh
gonna go up to some girl at starbucks hey i uh i got coffee well you know what
joe that is the
ultimate level that's the game if you can actually if you can actually do it so
have you ever have
any of you guys ever like seriously just like seduced a girl like just swept
her off her feet
yeah like a couple times but that's it's great when what did you do that just
swept a girl off
her feet joe you just why do you say it like that because i just don't find you
charming i just don't
picture any woman picturing you riding on a white horse bill you smooth
operator you i've never done
it you have to you absolutely have there was one time in your life i have never
been complete i've i
first of all every girlfriend i've ever gotten i've gotten when i've been
hammered i see them in that
oh they saw oh they saw me in it like perform in an acting class i had a tap
dance or something i have
never just walked up to somebody you told me the story of how you your current
girlfriend of how
you executed the first hookup with her and it was very it was very smooth it
was a oh smooth it was
definitely smooth but no no i'm saying like swept a girl off her feet like a
period piece joe the old
fucking days the way they used to do it you know you throw a couple pebbles at
a window and you
read her poetry one time my girl this girl that i dated in college who became
my girlfriend for a
little while the first time she came to my apartment like our first like date
because in
college that's a date uh-huh uh we were on the couch and i was really i was in
a play with her and i
was really funny in the play because i had like the funny part or whatever and
i had really been
charming her for a long time so when we finally got to my house we were on the
couch making out
and she stopped and she was like this she was like smiling and like oh that's
creepy her shoulders
and i was like what i go what are you doing she goes i'm swooning
is there anything fucking worse than that well any sort of like emotion either
complete lack of it or
too much of it and i just i just want to leave the room i liked it when she
said it it was nice
oh that girl i was telling you about that one time i was trying to have phone
sex with this girl
like what are you doing you're laying in your bed she's like yeah just like i
literally just put
the phone down on my lap like oh god i was having phone sex with a girl once
and i go yeah she goes
she goes what do you want to do to me and i go you want it in your ass you want
me to put it in
your ass and she goes well do you want the honest answer or the phone sex
answer i was like
can you just say yes stupid you're across the country it's never gonna fucking
happen
an idiot yeah i don't give a fuck what i asked her i would i would break up
with her right then
you told a story once on the air and uh it it makes me laugh every time i think
about it where
you said you were dating some girl and she invited you over and she was trying
to be like sexy for
you so she opened the door and she was wearing like oh and you were into like
she thought you
were into jazz like weird acid jazz did i did i tell that on this show though i
don't know i don't
know i don't know i don't know i think it was actually uh i think it was ona
you told it on but
dude i get the visual from that story where she opens the girl in the towel
yeah yeah and she was
wearing like she wanted to be sexy so you said that she had shoes on terrible
black flats
it was brutal it was brutal i was dating this girl all right i gotta tell the
story now for uh first
time listeners everybody else take a bathroom break i uh i basically you know i
was banging this broad
over there right i was i was hooking up with this girl and um it was great man
we were you know we're
having a good time or whatever so she basically had uh this is how i met this
girl was a great angry
fuck the first time i met her was i was calling up to find out what my my uh my
my lodging was going
to be at this college gig and she was just being a jerk about it she ended up
sticking me in a hostel
which i had no idea what that was and i showed up and it was like me and some
fucking arabian
sword swallower and like these bunk beds right so i was fucking pissed right
and she we already had
like we kind of had like this fuck you fuck you without saying it on the phone
so when she she
kind of had this attitude with me when i first showed up so she booked me and
this other comic
who was missing part of his ear oh that's what i yeah this really i don't know
why dude what was i
gonna ask him that's exactly what i should have said i should have literally
pointed at his ear
going ew why no i don't know he's missing part of his ear so i was like wow
that's weird you know so
he had to have like really like 70s length hair right so he ends up going up on
stage right she's
all proud of herself that pissed me off she booked two comedians right so i
could have taken half that
fucking money and actually had a decent place to stay long story short the
fucking dude with the
fucked up ear goes up and has a fucked up set he's bombing and immediately she
has this panic
looked on her face looking at me like now i got to come in and save the day so
of course i went up
there and i had to follow this fucking guy who stunk i went up and i killed so
immediately she wants
to fucking bang me but she couldn't because we're in chicago baba boss we end
up why the fuck did i go
i went literally went back like 200 pages in the story let me get let me get to
the point here so
all right so i'm banging this i'm banging this broad wait why couldn't you fuck
her that night
oh she had fucking niece showed up and i had a bunk bed and she had no place to
go it was terrible
and you can just feel the vibe so then when did you end up fucking her she
ended up calling me
she called my stupid college agent who gave her my home phone number she's like
we're definitely
going out we're definitely partying oh she came to new york yeah she like moved
here right so she
was working at one of these universities here and uh she was like in charge of
the dorm like she
checked in and all the kids so i guess one of the things was you couldn't have
any sort of uh
couldn't have any candles there were certain things that you couldn't have in
your dorm room any sort
of paraphernalia if you did you got in trouble so she wanted to role play sex
she wanted me to be that
guy come over to inspect her room to make sure she didn't have any of the stuff
there that she
shouldn't have had and her old thing was she wanted to come to door and nothing
but a towel
and high heel shoes and of course i was going to go in there find shit that she
wasn't supposed to
have and then she would of course have to be disciplined and like you're
showing up and going
right into this it's not like you guys were hanging out no no no we'd already
been going out for a while
i completely fucked up the story by telling other bullshit right okay so
anyways so basically by this
point we're like three three months into the fucking relationship right i tried
to get this thing
going and it's just it's not going good like she said she was into jazz so i
bought her like this
john coltrane cd i'd try to be a good guy but we're basically she we get into
this fight on the phone
and i'm going over there and it's like i'm thinking the whole way right over
like i gotta break up this
girl what the fuck am i even doing with this shit right i come up to the door i
knock on the door
he opens the door and i'm already have this big breakup fight she opens the
door and she's standing
there nothing but this towel okay and these high heel shoes but they weren't
they weren't sexy shoes
they were like this sensible shoe and literally had like an eighth of an inch
fucking you know those shoes you wear so you don't have back problems as a
chick you know and that's
what she's wearing and in the background she'd put the cd on the jazz cd that i
got her this is this
big romantic moment and i bought her this john coltrane cd i didn't know
anything so it's like this jazz
that's like so i was playing that and she's standing there she looked fucking
ridiculous and i was
literally i was gonna burst out laughing but i knew if i if i laughed at her in
that moment you know
that i was i was gonna ruin her for the next guy i was literally she was gonna
be like the next time
the guy tried to touch her she'd be fucking in the fetal position drawn with
like a purple crayon or
something right so what i did was basically i had to play it off like she had
like like i was so
surprised right because dude my dick was literally slumped over on my fucking
leg like whatever you're on
your own so i had to act like like i was so overwhelmed and the first thing i
did when i got in there
was i got the fucking cd off i shut that off and then i was sitting there and
she was all proud of
herself like she had totally like seduced me and she's sitting there with their
fucking legs crossed
do you know when they swirl their foot around and i'm looking at that was the
toe stupid issue with
the fucking shoe on was it hanging off or was it was it i know it was still on
it was snug and it was
on and she was all proud of herself like she was this sexual vixen and like i
just oh i wanted to
strike a smotherer with the fucking towel somehow i got it i got the shoes off
and then i had to
basically splice together every horrific porn scene i had ever seen to some i
just bent her over and
just i did it like a job i literally got out of there oh there's nothing worse
than a woman
can somebody throw something at me for how long that fucking story was i can't
enjoy it oh you did
you stay dude you didn't even give me any sort of active listening i was
listening paranoid that i was
bombing halfway through i'm a defensive guy i enjoyed it
i uh there's nothing worse than a woman who acts sexy and is very satisfied
without like when she's
got that look like i'm being sexy right now you know i am it's like oh it's so
forced that's like a
comic going hey man i'm dangerous i'm edgy you know what i mean it's the same
just skin crawl
people can't handle oh when a girl tries to make a sexy face in bed when she's
like you know like
oh fucking get off of me get away from me there's no if it's not organic it's
just such a fucking
turnoff that's why i don't like the the role-playing stuff i never was
interested in that because it was
it's not organic in any way you know dude you know all it is is it's just
talking dirty like
it you know what it's just like a real porno you know like when you run a porn
they're like hot
sexy nurses and you put it on and for half a second they're dressed as nurses
then they're
just another naked girl on a couch yeah it looks like every other porno that's
all it is i love
those ones where it'll be like it'll be like you know you know teens like 18 19
year old girls and
then they dress up as like like they're younger and that they don't know what
they're doing and
they'll have them in like pigtails and little dresses and shit you know and
then like you know
they'll do like the whole scenario where the guy comes in he's like where where's
your mom
you know oh she's out and like she's acting like she's a kid or something and
he's like don't tell
her we did this but why don't you lick just lick it for a minute and the second
she puts it in her
mouth she's like yeah
like can you fucking act like you don't know how to yeah you gotta hit you
gotta hit you gotta say cut yeah
you're breaking character went from teenager to 36 year old divorcee
oh my god

Bill Burr & Joe DeRosa - Picking Up A Girl Without Alcohol

it's impossible i'm trying to think if i ever picked up a girl without a drop
of alcohol in me
you can't the booze is the booze you have to say it like that every time the
booze it's the it gives
you the confidence to be mr hey when we go you know when we go back to my place
and it's the
lure it's the lure to get a girl back to your place you go up to her you're
hanging out bar
closes you go you know i got drinks why don't we go back to my place and have a
drink and she goes
um okay you can't do that sober you can't it's impossible sitting in a coffee
shop next to a
girl you need it to get your courage up and she needs to she needs it so she
won't feel like oh
gonna go up to some girl at starbucks hey i uh i got coffee well you know what
joe that is the
ultimate level that's the game if you can actually if you can actually do it so
have you ever have
any of you guys ever like seriously just like seduced a girl like just swept
her off her feet
yeah like a couple times but that's it's great when what did you do that just
swept a girl off
her feet joe you just why do you say it like that because i just don't find you
charming i just don't
picture any woman picturing you riding on a white horse bill you smooth
operator you i've never done
it you have to you absolutely have there was one time in your life i have never
been complete i've i
first of all every girlfriend i've ever gotten i've gotten when i've been
hammered i see them in that
oh they saw oh they saw me in it like perform in an acting class i had a tap
dance or something i have
never just walked up to somebody you told me the story of how you your current
girlfriend of how
you executed the first hookup with her and it was very it was very smooth it
was a oh smooth it was
definitely smooth but no no i'm saying like swept a girl off her feet like a
period piece joe the old
fucking days the way they used to do it you know you throw a couple pebbles at
a window and you
read her poetry one time my girl this girl that i dated in college who became
my girlfriend for a
little while the first time she came to my apartment like our first like date
because in
college that's a date uh-huh uh we were on the couch and i was really i was in
a play with her and i
was really funny in the play because i had like the funny part or whatever and
i had really been
charming her for a long time so when we finally got to my house we were on the
couch making out
and she stopped and she was like this she was like smiling and like oh that's
creepy her shoulders
and i was like what i go what are you doing she goes i'm swooning
is there anything fucking worse than that well any sort of like emotion either
complete lack of it or
too much of it and i just i just want to leave the room i liked it when she
said it it was nice
oh that girl i was telling you about that one time i was trying to have phone
sex with this girl
like what are you doing you're laying in your bed she's like yeah just like i
literally just put
the phone down on my lap like oh god i was having phone sex with a girl once
and i go yeah she goes
she goes what do you want to do to me and i go you want it in your ass you want
me to put it in
your ass and she goes well do you want the honest answer or the phone sex
answer i was like
can you just say yes stupid you're across the country it's never gonna fucking
happen
an idiot yeah i don't give a fuck what i asked her i would i would break up
with her right then
you told a story once on the air and uh it it makes me laugh every time i think
about it where
you said you were dating some girl and she invited you over and she was trying
to be like sexy for
you so she opened the door and she was wearing like oh and you were into like
she thought you
were into jazz like weird acid jazz did i did i tell that on this show though i
don't know i don't
know i don't know i don't know i think it was actually uh i think it was ona
you told it on but
dude i get the visual from that story where she opens the girl in the towel
yeah yeah and she was
wearing like she wanted to be sexy so you said that she had shoes on terrible
black flats
it was brutal it was brutal i was dating this girl all right i gotta tell the
story now for uh first
time listeners everybody else take a bathroom break i uh i basically you know i
was banging this broad
over there right i was i was hooking up with this girl and um it was great man
we were you know we're
having a good time or whatever so she basically had uh this is how i met this
girl was a great angry
fuck the first time i met her was i was calling up to find out what my my uh my
my lodging was going
to be at this college gig and she was just being a jerk about it she ended up
sticking me in a hostel
which i had no idea what that was and i showed up and it was like me and some
fucking arabian
sword swallower and like these bunk beds right so i was fucking pissed right
and she we already had
like we kind of had like this fuck you fuck you without saying it on the phone
so when she she
kind of had this attitude with me when i first showed up so she booked me and
this other comic
who was missing part of his ear oh that's what i yeah this really i don't know
why dude what was i
gonna ask him that's exactly what i should have said i should have literally
pointed at his ear
going ew why no i don't know he's missing part of his ear so i was like wow
that's weird you know so
he had to have like really like 70s length hair right so he ends up going up on
stage right she's
all proud of herself that pissed me off she booked two comedians right so i
could have taken half that
fucking money and actually had a decent place to stay long story short the
fucking dude with the
fucked up ear goes up and has a fucked up set he's bombing and immediately she
has this panic
looked on her face looking at me like now i got to come in and save the day so
of course i went up
there and i had to follow this fucking guy who stunk i went up and i killed so
immediately she wants
to fucking bang me but she couldn't because we're in chicago baba boss we end
up why the fuck did i go
i went literally went back like 200 pages in the story let me get let me get to
the point here so
all right so i'm banging this i'm banging this broad wait why couldn't you fuck
her that night
oh she had fucking niece showed up and i had a bunk bed and she had no place to
go it was terrible
and you can just feel the vibe so then when did you end up fucking her she
ended up calling me
she called my stupid college agent who gave her my home phone number she's like
we're definitely
going out we're definitely partying oh she came to new york yeah she like moved
here right so she
was working at one of these universities here and uh she was like in charge of
the dorm like she
checked in and all the kids so i guess one of the things was you couldn't have
any sort of uh
couldn't have any candles there were certain things that you couldn't have in
your dorm room any sort
of paraphernalia if you did you got in trouble so she wanted to role play sex
she wanted me to be that
guy come over to inspect her room to make sure she didn't have any of the stuff
there that she
shouldn't have had and her old thing was she wanted to come to door and nothing
but a towel
and high heel shoes and of course i was going to go in there find shit that she
wasn't supposed to
have and then she would of course have to be disciplined and like you're
showing up and going
right into this it's not like you guys were hanging out no no no we'd already
been going out for a while
i completely fucked up the story by telling other bullshit right okay so
anyways so basically by this
point we're like three three months into the fucking relationship right i tried
to get this thing
going and it's just it's not going good like she said she was into jazz so i
bought her like this
john coltrane cd i'd try to be a good guy but we're basically she we get into
this fight on the phone
and i'm going over there and it's like i'm thinking the whole way right over
like i gotta break up this
girl what the fuck am i even doing with this shit right i come up to the door i
knock on the door
he opens the door and i'm already have this big breakup fight she opens the
door and she's standing
there nothing but this towel okay and these high heel shoes but they weren't
they weren't sexy shoes
they were like this sensible shoe and literally had like an eighth of an inch
fucking you know those shoes you wear so you don't have back problems as a
chick you know and that's
what she's wearing and in the background she'd put the cd on the jazz cd that i
got her this is this
big romantic moment and i bought her this john coltrane cd i didn't know
anything so it's like this jazz
that's like so i was playing that and she's standing there she looked fucking
ridiculous and i was
literally i was gonna burst out laughing but i knew if i if i laughed at her in
that moment you know
that i was i was gonna ruin her for the next guy i was literally she was gonna
be like the next time
the guy tried to touch her she'd be fucking in the fetal position drawn with
like a purple crayon or
something right so what i did was basically i had to play it off like she had
like like i was so
surprised right because dude my dick was literally slumped over on my fucking
leg like whatever you're on
your own so i had to act like like i was so overwhelmed and the first thing i
did when i got in there
was i got the fucking cd off i shut that off and then i was sitting there and
she was all proud of
herself like she had totally like seduced me and she's sitting there with their
fucking legs crossed
do you know when they swirl their foot around and i'm looking at that was the
toe stupid issue with
the fucking shoe on was it hanging off or was it was it i know it was still on
it was snug and it was
on and she was all proud of herself like she was this sexual vixen and like i
just oh i wanted to
strike a smotherer with the fucking towel somehow i got it i got the shoes off
and then i had to
basically splice together every horrific porn scene i had ever seen to some i
just bent her over and
just i did it like a job i literally got out of there oh there's nothing worse
than a woman
can somebody throw something at me for how long that fucking story was i can't
enjoy it oh you did
you stay dude you didn't even give me any sort of active listening i was
listening paranoid that i was
bombing halfway through i'm a defensive guy i enjoyed it
i uh there's nothing worse than a woman who acts sexy and is very satisfied
without like when she's
got that look like i'm being sexy right now you know i am it's like oh it's so
forced that's like a
comic going hey man i'm dangerous i'm edgy you know what i mean it's the same
just skin crawl
people can't handle oh when a girl tries to make a sexy face in bed when she's
like you know like
oh fucking get off of me get away from me there's no if it's not organic it's
just such a fucking
turnoff that's why i don't like the the role-playing stuff i never was
interested in that because it was
it's not organic in any way you know dude you know all it is is it's just
talking dirty like
it you know what it's just like a real porno you know like when you run a porn
they're like hot
sexy nurses and you put it on and for half a second they're dressed as nurses
then they're
just another naked girl on a couch yeah it looks like every other porno that's
all it is i love
those ones where it'll be like it'll be like you know you know teens like 18 19
year old girls and
then they dress up as like like they're younger and that they don't know what
they're doing and
they'll have them in like pigtails and little dresses and shit you know and
then like you know
they'll do like the whole scenario where the guy comes in he's like where where's
your mom
you know oh she's out and like she's acting like she's a kid or something and
he's like don't tell
her we did this but wh