Name: Bill Burr & Joe Rogan - Don't Be THIS Dogparent!
Uploaded: 2025-01-30T00:59:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Joe Rogan - Don't Be THIS Dogparent!' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-01-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Joe Rogan - Don't Be THIS Dogparent!' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-01-30. Transcript available.

I got a dog for you if you want a dog.
No, I can't.
His dog's a whore.
Don't take his dog from mine.
No, my dog's awesome.
His dog's a serious slut.
My dog, I actually, I finally, we worked with the trainer and we got it and now
it's all
cool.
And he came down.
How long did it take?
What was wrong?
Six months.
Six months?
And did they train at your house or did you drop them off?
What's wrong was I was a psycho.
And like, no, seriously, like dogs, dogs, they feed off of your f***ing energy.
So, you know, I'd watch games, I'd slam the table, you know, and I just, just
in general,
that f***ing the same energy that I had.
When I was a kid, man, we had these little West Highland Terriers.
We turned them into maniacs.
Really?
This one thing bit me in my face.
I had to get f***ing stitches.
What do you do?
Do you beat the kids?
What do you do?
We would f*** with it.
We didn't know any better.
You beat the dogs?
No, we didn't beat them.
We just, we used to play the glove game.
The glove game?
The glove game?
Like a baseball glove?
Oh, you just wrestle with them.
I'll get to it.
It's the, Jesus Christ.
It's like we're on f***ing the $10,000 pyramid.
Jesus f***ing Christ.
A gardener's glove.
And we would just f***ing mush him in the face, and then he started biting too
hard, and
we like f***ing, and then moved on to the brook.
We didn't realize it.
We turned it into a f***ing maniac.
We basically, any psychologist who wanted to see how f***ed up my family was,
all they would
have to do is walk in, look at the dog, and be like, wow.
Wow.
It's a trickle-down effect.
It's like what was happening to us as kids, we did to each other, and then
everybody did
it to the f***ing dogs.
That's true.
When I bought this house, this house was, I gotta be careful how I say this,
because they
were nice people, but the woman was very hot, and a little bit older, but still
hot, like
in a MILF way.
Right.
But super controlling, and the man was just like this sort of a meek guy who
happened to
be rich, and the woman had these f***ing dogs, and this woman was a mean lady,
she would
yell at her husband in front of us, and she had these dogs that would f***ing
snap at everybody.
They would bite people, they bit like three different people, and they'd growl
at people,
and I grew up with dogs.
I grew up with pit bulls.
Pit bulls, my whole life, I had crazy dogs.
So I saw these dogs, and they came running up to me like when I was in the
house, and the
dogs got right up to me, and I go, "What's going on, guys?"
And I gave my hand, and then she goes, "This is incredible.
They don't let anyone touch them.
They would tear your throat out by this time."
Yeah, great owner.
And I'm like, "What the f*** is wrong with you?
You've got these crazy animals living you that want to tear people's throats
out when you
invite them in your house?"
And she...
She lets them come up to you.
Yeah.
You come into my house, and I go, "Hey, there's...
Say hi, Johnny."
Johnny will come over wagging his tail.
You can pet him.
He'll kiss your face.
This...
He recognizes you as a friend.
You're in this group of nice people.
What the f*** is...
That's indicative of a creepy person, right?
Right.
I was just f***ing wound up, so the dog, they feed off the f***ing energy, so
the dog
started getting wound up, and then it started growling at people on the street,
and then
I got nervous, so then the dog would sense my nervousness, would growl a little
bit f***ing
more, and it just built.
And then I would be terrified walking down the street with the thing, and the
dog...
And then the meanwhile is the dog would come up on the couch whenever it wants.
It's just sort of running shit, and I didn't know any of that s***, but so we
undid all
of that.
Now, the dog is totally f***ing cool.
People come over, it's wagging its tail, and it all had to do with...
The way you were playing with it.
My energy, the...
I mean, no, I didn't do anything that roughhousing with the dog, but the joke I've
been doing
in my act is, even if you roughhouse with the dog, you've got to bring their
energy back
down to being chill.
You can't have them at this heightened f***ing thing, and then walk outside,
because they're
f***ing...
Especially like pit bulls, the thing if you own one, you have to address the
fact that you
f***ing own a dangerous breed.
Yeah.
Because people just sit, "No, she's the most lovable, blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah."
It's like, yeah, and also has the ability to rip somebody's face off.
So I was having panic attacks, like, "If this thing ever bit somebody and
called nerve
damage or f*** their face," I mean, beyond getting sued, it's the level of
guilt I would
have had.
So, I knew a couple of people who had pit bulls, and I took them to this guy,
and he just
did a great job.
But it was literally...
It was six f***ing months of...
In your house, or did they...
No, no.
He took the dog...
For six months, and then you get it back a half a year later?
That's awesome.
That's awesome.
That's awesome.
No, no.
He had it for, like, a month.
No, he had it for a month.
Tying an electrode.
The same s*** they did to Dana Diorama.
Yeah.
Putting electrodes in its a**hole.
No, no.
He had it for a f***ing month.
The whole month.
That's great.
He has it for a month.
Well, because you've got to chill the f*** out.
Oh my God, there's a cost.
Yeah.
It wasn't cheap.
Okay, no more.
But it was way cheaper than getting the living s*** suit out of me, and being
guilt...
and feeling the guilt.
We went through all of that bull****, and now the dog is just like...
It's cool as hell.
So he just trains it all day, every day?
No.
It's like...
Well, the funny thing is, it's like the dog, the second he's around him, and we're
removed
from the equation, it goes back, and he's chill, and he's in control.
It instantly was fine.
The dog was instantly...
The problem was us.
We didn't know, and now we were all f***ing scared.
Anytime you would come over, "All right, dude, just..."
And everything I was doing was f***ing wrong, and it just kept building the
experience, which
would add to my paranoia.
So it just became a really bad situation.
But the second he went over with him, you know, it was fine.
He was walking with dogs, everything was cool.
He had to learn, like...
Because he's walking into a totally new environment, new set of rules.
We were gone.
It didn't feel like it had to protect anybody, so the dog was instantly fine.
What he had to do was undo us.
It had nothing to do with the dog.
It was us for...
And the reason why it took six months was because I'm on the road every other f***ing
week.
Wow.
Sounds like the whole family grew from that experience.
I think so.
I think I grew from hearing it.
It was awesome.
It's very romantic.
It's crazy.
It's good that there's someone out there that can do that, man.
Because there's a lot of people that would...
I wish it was cheaper.
Because there's a lot of people with f***ing dangerous dogs.
There's a guy that lives down the street from me.
His pit bulls are always out.
And he's like, "Oh, they're nice.
They're friendly."
Like, "Get the f*** out of here, man."
I've had pit bulls.
I've had a bunch of them.
They don't like other dogs.
If somebody else's dog is loose, too, likely you're going to have a dead dog in
the street.
It depends on...
It really depends on...
Like, if we wanted to get another dog, we would have to...
Ours is a female.
We'd have to get a male, and you have to get a puppy.
So they would have a mother...
Yep.
A big sort of relationship.
Yeah, absolutely right.
And then you do it that way.
You don't bring in...
Another female.
Yeah, like my dog, just its personality.
It's not the kind of dog that you want to walk with other dogs.
Very possessive, very jealous.
So it's something you have to keep in contact.
But they're just like people.
They have different personalities.
Different personalities, yeah.
Where I'm f***ing a wound up psycho, there's another guy who's just totally f***ing
chill
and wouldn't have had a problem with the dog.
Right, the dog would have become a chill dog.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Dude, they do that show.
You're watching a game and something.
What the f***?
And then their ears come up like, "Yeah, dude, what the f***?"
You know, they start getting into that mode.
And then if you have a dog that's, you know, bred to fight in a pit, it's ready
to go.
Yeah.
It's amazing that you could just buy that.
And then people...
I mean, they're great dogs.
They're super friendly and super sweet.
No, it's ridiculous that you can go down to a shelter and they just...
It's like just giving somebody a gun and you don't even know what end of the
bullet
comes out of it.
More than a gun.
It's like giving them a monster.
Yeah.
Your buddy.
You know?
They don't even speak English.
You can't even tell them, "Listen, you can't eat kids."
You can't even f***ing tell them s***.
Yeah, do you understand?
Listen, I have a bank account.
This is how your dog food comes from.
How about this?
You shouldn't f***ing kill people.
You'd be a nice doggy.
You know?
This is how your dog food comes from.
This is how your dog food comes from.
This is how your dog food comes from.
This is how your dog food comes from.
This is how your dog food comes from.
This is how your dog food comes from.
This is how your dog food comes from.
This is how your dog food comes from.
This is how your dog food comes from.
This is how your dog food comes from.
This is how your dog food comes from.
This is how your dog food comes from.
This is how your dog food comes from.
This is how your dog food comes from.
This is how your dog food comes from.