Name: Bill Burr & Nia - I Quit P0rnography For A Year
Uploaded: 2025-06-26T01:12:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - I Quit P0rnography For A Year' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-06-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - I Quit P0rnography For A Year' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-06-26. Transcript available.

Hey, you know what?
No porn for this year.
Is that what you decided?
I have yet to watch porno this year.
Well, it's still early.
And, oh, Jesus.
There's that support.
There's that support, everybody.
Why do you need me to support you not watching porn?
I don't have a problem if you watch porn.
You know what?
Somebody sent me an article.
I've got to hit pause again because I'm going to find this.
Somebody sent me an article about how watching too much online porn,
how it's not healthy for you and can actually add to depression,
if I can say that word.
I feel like it probably gives you, like,
a higher expectation of what your sex life should be.
But, you know, because we're not all porn stars.
Back to what you feel should be going on in your life in a moment.
Let me just...
No.
I feel like he should be able to pick me up over his head
and turn me upside down and do things to me.
Is that unreasonable?
With my back problems?
Hang on a second.
Hang on a second.
You know what?
Sorry to say I can't find that.
Email that dude sent me,
and all I found was a bunch of people trashing that online porn is not
addictive
and saying that it isn't bad for you.
But I don't know.
It's just, you know...
It depends on your personality.
Yeah.
It's one of those deals.
Neil, why don't you put the microphone over your shoulder?
You're listening to playing with me.
That depends on me.
Sorry.
You know what?
I'm going to...
I'm going to get a desk down here with two fucking chairs so the mic will be,
you know...
Yeah.
...right there.
Okay.
Okay?
Okay.
All right?
We'll work on it.
Okay.
All right?
I feel like you have something to contribute, and I just don't feel like people
are hearing you.
Thank you.
See how I did that, people?
I complimented her.
I stroked her ego so she can do it.
Thank you.
That's all I was looking for.
I just want people to know that I'm here.
I have not watched porn this whole...
Sometime at the end of December, I watched something, and it was so disgusting
that when
I was done, I actually bursted out laughing as if I just watched Bridesmaids.
It was just...
And I was just like, what is wrong with me?
Like, I actually got to that point in porn where the porn was so fucked up, it
was just
funny to me.
Not that the people were doing it.
There was just something pathetic.
And I was like, you know, I got to walk away from this.
Hey, last year I didn't drink.
This year I'm swearing off the porn.
Okay.
See that?
All right.
I'm always trying to become a better person, Nia, and what do you do?
Constantly shit all over me.
By the way, you got a couple of shout-outs in Houston.
Oh, did I?
Yep, when I brought up the podcast.
Yay.
And I said I was with a wonderful lady.
What's up, Houston?
A few people yelled, Nia.
And then one of your friends texted you and said, oh, you got a couple of shout-outs.
So then when you brought it up in the car, I was like, you were like, what does
that
mean?
What does that mean I got, like, shout-outs?
Like, you don't know what a shout-out is.
I didn't.
Yeah, you did.
You wanted to hear what people said.
Read us the email.
Were they chanting my name?
That's going to be the end of us, Nia, when people start liking you more than
me.
And then we're going to break up like Sonny and Cher but still perform together
for a
little bit.
If we break up, your fans are going to hate me.
I just know it already.
Because they're already going to be on your side.
They're just going to automatically side with you.
Way to take all the fun out of it.
Because that's what they do.
They have loyalty.
I'm going to be you first and I'm always going to be second fiddle.
Marsha, Marsha, Marsha.
I don't blame them.
All right.
Number one.
Numero uno.
Ahora.
Hey, Bill.
I'm a 21-year-old guy who still lives with his parents.
I have a history of being very introverted.
Oh, my God.
If you start saying that you torture small animals, I'm going to stop reading
this.
I've been that way ever since I was in junior high.
Well, what were you in elementary school?
Were you going all out?
No, because I would have related to that.
I'm in college now and I've become more social, at least when I'm on campus and
at my job.
But I'm having a really hard time building a life for myself outside of those
arenas.
Did I write this to myself 20 years ago?
Totally relate to this guy.
I don't really have much of a life.
I'm really bored most of the time.
And I feel like I'm wasting my youth.
I know that I have to go out more and hang out with my friends.
It's up to me to take some kind of initiative.
And if it was up to me, I totally would.
I live with my parents, though, and that's why it's kind of tricky.
My parents are very into the Lord.
Oh, Jesus.
I don't really share their beliefs.
Good for you.
And so when I want to go out, the evening usually includes a variety of
activities that my parents would give me
a hard time about normal stuff, such as drinking a little weed, man, and secretion
of the semen.
Oh, God.
Okay.
You have to put it like that.
Wait a minute.
You're drinking, you're smoking weed, and you're getting laid?
What's the problem?
The problem is you live with your parents.
No, does he want to do that and he doesn't?
Or he's saying?
No, he's saying he goes out and he does this shit, and his parents are giving
him a hard time.
So he's doing this shit.
Maybe he's getting guilt.
Why don't I read the rest of it?
I know that I'm a young adult and I'm old enough to make my own decisions.
I just don't have the strength of character to look my parents in the eye and
have a discussion
about all this stuff with them.
I especially have the problem with my mom.
She was raised religious and has a very different idea about being 21 than I do.
I just don't feel like she would understand if I tried to have a conversation
with her about my thoughts.
I wish I could just come and go as I please without being bothered.
I have a car, but I can't avoid the questions about where I've been.
I know that my personal life is my business, and I don't share all of it, but
they don't seem to understand that.
On top of all this, I'm obligated to go to church every week, and I would
rather fuck my own ass than go to one more church service.
All right, dude, you've got to move out.
Yeah.
You've got to move out.
But again, I feel trapped.
I want to move out.
There it is.
But I have no money, and doing my job, selling burgers, isn't going to pay the
rent in any place.
I'm not sure what to do.
Please, for the love of God, rescue me.
Oh, Jesus.
Rescue yourself.
Yes, rescue yourself.
You've got to – you're 21.
You're still working your way through college, right?
Yeah, you've got to get on a track where you're going to get some sort of
better-paying job.
Exactly.
Get a better-paying job.
Find a roommate situation because you're not going to be able to afford a place
by yourself.
Why don't you take some student loans?
Take out some student loans, which is a bad idea because then you'll be even
further in debt.
I was going to say live at school.
There's a way to do it.
Yeah, why can't you live on campus?
All right, how should he do it?
Because I don't have anything.
Well, you know what, though?
He's probably not living on campus because maybe his parents can't afford it,
so that's why he's living at home.
They can't afford that part of the education.
Either that or they don't believe that they should live there because of all
the sinners he'd be with.
Exposed to, yeah.
The devil is in that quad.
No, you just got to work his ass off.
You need to get another job.
You got to find a roommate situation.
Save up your money.
Get a car with a bench seat.
Do all your in there and then come home and just always have library books that
you're walking in with and just live a lie.
Yeah.
Until you have the money to move out.
You don't have to necessarily talk to your parents about anything in particular
unless they're doing something that's really abusive to you or something.
You don't have to talk to them about your life.
It's your life.
Yeah, try sarcasm.
What did you do tonight?
Smoked crack and got a hooker.
Good night, Mom.
Exactly.
Then she'll be praying the rest of the night and she'll leave you alone?
No, but you got to make some sacrifices so you can save some money, get an
apartment with a roommate, and live your own life.
He's flipping burgers, though.
How can he do that?
This is like a guy who's on the verge of selling drugs.
Isn't that what they always say?
What do I do, sell burgers?
I need to make some money.
Well, I don't know.
You know what?
I'm not 100% sure there.
His ghetto is his parents' house.
Yeah.
Get another job.
Ask for a raise.
You got to figure it out.
But I think you're also becoming a little bit complacent because you don't have
to pay bills and your parents buy your food for you and all that other stuff.
So I think there might be a little hesitation on your part to really fully
leave.
Get a car with a bench seat.
That's all I'm saying.
What is a bench seat in a car?
What is a bench seat?
It doesn't have the little console.
It's not bucket seats.
It's one of those ones.
Back in the day, you know, yeah, you could f*** in cars.
Yeah, yeah, I know what you're talking about.
Like you could never do that now.
Yeah, the bench seat like my truck has.
Yes, yes, it does.
Have you told them about your truck?
No, I didn't.
I bought an old Ford truck.
Oh, jeez.
Yeah, it's got a 360 V8, shifts three on the tree, and I'm getting some new
headers put on it because you could light my breath on fire.
This young man.
I would drive it like Ace Ventura down the street because everybody kept
telling you, you know, your headers look fine.
I'm like, dude, I'm telling you, you could light my breath on fire if I drive
this thing for 45 fucking minutes because they would drive around the block and
be like, dude, it's fine.
And you couldn't see anything really come, at least our untrained eyes.
So I get it back today.
Yes, you do.
Getting back to this whole scenario here, you need to stop having your little
pity party there and pick yourself up by your bootstraps.
Get your shit together.
No more of this.
I'm awkward.
I don't have friends.
I don't understand.
Start reaching out to some people.
Figure out what to do about a job.
Save your pennies.
Get a car with a bench seat and do what you want to do.
And move your ass out.
Figure it out.
Start talking to people.
Maybe someone's looking for a roommate and they're like, hey, you know, only a
couple hundred bucks.
I'll let you sleep on my couch.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.