Name: Bill Burr & Lovely Nia - Her Boyfriend Carries a "Tool" Everywhere
Uploaded: 2025-07-28T01:12:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Lovely Nia - Her Boyfriend Carries a "Tool" Everywhere' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Lovely Nia - Her Boyfriend Carries a "Tool" Everywhere' from Comedy University on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-28. Transcript available.

not only is the lovely nia here welcome hi um i also just wolfed down a pizza
we had a small pizza break yeah i did i ordered a small pizza moment of silence
for this small pizza break what is that snip dog i don't i'm white nia i don't
i don't know
what that is chronic break instead of pizza oh i added pizza so that i don't
know you know something i
never got into that west coast rap when it first came out you don't like doggy
style though that
that whole weep beep beep beep yeah but snoop's first album's like solo album
is awesome no he's
great he's great and he's aging he's aging better than anybody he went
seamlessly from you know
oh my god who is this young hooligan into all of a sudden he was uncle snoop
and white people
just he said was it he's they love them pistachios those uh pistachio he's on
pistachios vaporizer
pens he's like he's just fully embracing like i will sell anything as long as
it brings me money
no i actually wouldn't agree with that because both of those things are awesome
pistachios and vaporizers
now if he was gonna sell anything there would be like you know clorox bleach or
some in there just
like shaq sells like what he used to do nestle crunch bars which i thought was
kind of weird
shaq lost all credibility when he was in that little ass buick remember that
trying to say how
comfortable it was and then he did that stupid point he was pointing at his
friends who were laughing at
i'm going look at shaq first of all you don't drive buick when's the last time
when's the last time he
drove a fucking buick yeah that's true you know junior high junior high by the
time he was in high
school a rapper though and he was in uh like with leaders in the new school and
all those people
too wordy bill um anyways let's let's get to this here uh okay bill my
girlfriend doesn't like me
carrying around a knife all right i have a problem with my girl i am an ex-marine
and trained for years
before that with weapons as a result i am in shape and i carry a knife wherever
i go stop bragging
let me stop bragging no this everybody else is a fat out here this guy he's
learned how to defend
himself everybody else for the most part mia did you see the people at brunch
today wow so what though
that's most wow in america and people who are in shape really need to like get
off their whole
and high horse about it like you went to the gym congratulations what are you
talking about this
guy's a hero all right anyway wait a minute wait a minute back up do you see
any back up back up
i didn't say that everybody america wasn't you know couldn't lose a couple
i'm just saying here's a guy who's actually in shape so he says can we continue
please
i don't like how you already hate this guy even heard what he's done because i
don't think he has
a problem with his girl i think he has a problem with his ego and his paranoia
but let's continue
see this is why i bring you in this is so into the female perspective okay he
goes now my girl
hates it when we go out and i have it on me meaning the knife it isn't a little
pocket knife it's a
foot-long fixed blade knife i can see oh is this he has a little dick you think
he has a little dick
i can seal it under my shoulder under my jacket she says i don't like to feel
it when i hug you
which is both we have fought about this and i refuse to give it up because it
is an invaluable tool
and it gives me a small sense of safety should i break up with her cave and get
rid uh rid of it or lie
and hide it in the car oh my god if you are willing to lose your girlfriend
over an inanimate
an object as i said in the beginning before we got to the end of this question
you've got more
problems than your girlfriend i don't know if you got ptsd or whatever it is
but if you're seriously
asking bill if you should break up with your girlfriend or put your knife away
because it
freaks her out that you carry it under your shoulder like some renegade in some
goddamn
kurt russell movie from the late 80s then that's a serious problem can we back
up what was what was
uh pdst what is that ptsd post-traumatic stress disorder which is a serious
thing that a lot of
veterans suffer with so i don't i don't mean to to belittle it if that's a
thing that you feel
because you're a marine and you went through and dangers around this guy with
this guy was into
weapons before that clearly and that's the other thing too that's what i mean
like if it's really
like my knife or my girlfriend is that sir is that is that a real question you
know what i think you
just came up with one of the great bumper stickers that you could sell in a lot
of rural areas in
america my knife or my girlfriend and you just have some dude like i don't know
is that really a
question though seriously like that's what i mean is it really a quite my knife
or my should i break
up with her just play along just just act like all of these are real it makes
it so much easier to get
to the comedy and why a woman hugging you and feeling a knife that you keep
concealed on your shoulder at
all times is a little no it's underneath it's on his lunch i understand that
but do you know what until
somebody shows up with a gun and he pulls out that knife he goes hey hey i got
a knife here
i will deflect these bullets like wonder woman why do you have the knife sir do
you have ptsd
is that what it is you feel like you need to have it because of the that you
went through in the
marines which is completely legitimate in which case well you need to have a
more legitimate tone
you need to talk to somebody about that and then you need to talk to your
girlfriend why you feel
like you need to have it because why do you feel like you need to have it he's
never said in this in
this question at all why he feels like he needs to carry a knife at all times
when he's going on date
night with his girl he's got the knife under like his his blazer listen that's
not a little bizarre
that's a little excessive to you first of all even gun nuts aren't carrying
that constantly listen
first of all what it'd be crazy out there in the streets you never know
when you might need and i mean what is it's like a foot long a foot long knife
that he keeps hidden
under it like i mean at what point does it become a sword two feet and he's
talking about giving up
the knife or breaking up with his i mean the real thing the real thing is the
real thing is the
guy needs to get out of this relationship because if he's even remotely
considering you know what yes
break up with her and spare her you're crazy hey hey easy yes break up with her
do her a favor let her go
because you clearly got some to work out and you are questioning whether you
should keep a knife or
you keep your relationship can i give you some constructive criticism no no you
can't because
this is not bill gives me a constructive criticism hour this is nia comes on
the podcast and gives her
opinion hour so that's what she's doing well how about can i give a third
person how can i give you
can i give you constructive criticism for a minute let me ask you 30 seconds
let me ask you this well
first of all don't put me on the clock on my podcast i'll shut off your mic um
that's my knife
your knife is your microphone that's right it is it's my security blanket
your microphone or your wife listen let me first of all listen i already
admitted that i like and make
cupcakes i don't need to go even further in this thing um that was very sweet
and they were delicious
okay can can i get to this sure you when you make points on this podcast you
want people to hear
um right that's not you don't go you kind of went like the way people make
points on the internet where
people go rather than just making their point to help they'll just be like hey
dickhead maybe if you
that's how people start when they're making a point okay so at which point at
which point no cool-headed
like you no no no no no i should follow your lead no right just be really like
even tempered and and
fair-handed perfect person and just not like reactionary and freaking out and
screaming i was
out in the balcony i heard you screaming about whatever the you're screaming
about this week i was
singing it's the same thing listen this guy definitely uh he has some security
issues
without a doubt um i don't know you know like maybe he got stabbed when he was
younger and he was like
that's never going to happen to me again so now he's got a that's why i said ptsd
which is a very
legitimate thing wow would you stop with your in catchphrase psychology
psychology ptsd add you watch
anything about veterans or anything it's a real serious issue for these guys i
know but you're not
a psychologist you're sitting over here like dr joyce brothers listen i'll put
your lab coat away
you don't need to be a psychologist to hear when someone says should i keep my
knife or break up with
my girlfriend to know that something is seriously wrong you know maybe i don't
need to be a chef to
know that the toast is burnt well let me oh oh snap bam oh jesus hey wait a
second well what if he
sent it via his phone he's typing with his thumb so he had to you know because
one other hand is on his
knife that's still a problem
well let me ask you this though what if uh you know you like a hard body right
you're like hugging on
somebody that's in shape this guy's in shape then what do you need a knife
doesn't the knife
because yeah what do you mean what do you mean knife for because we're made out
of 90 water
okay you could stab if you hit me if you were able to make a stabbing motion
okay fast enough with
the straw you kill me okay that's real talk that's real talk that's real talk
so what do you have a
tornado picks up a box full of straws in some godforsaken diner in the middle
of nebraska
okay you better hope you're already in your bathtub with the legs on it what
are you getting at with
the whole i like a hard body what does it have to do with a knife i'm saying
don't you guys okay you
like a guy's in shape yeah rugged he seems like he can protect you yeah and he's
and you know he's
ready to be a bad you know bad guy in like a steven seagal movie he's ready he's
ready i'd rather his
body be a lethal weapon not feeling like he has to carry one yeah but nobody's
body is a lethal weapon a
lot like aren't like i don't know kung fu masters and yeah those are movies
aren't there people in real life who can like have their their hand like floyd
mayweather that jackass
can't he have his why don't you like him with all his white cars you know why i
don't like floyd
mayweather i'm not getting into it on the podcast i actually don't know why you
don't like floyd
mayweather we didn't talk about this we didn't talk about how just just can you
just him and his
relationship with women that's all i'm gonna say just google it no no don't no
no no no come on just
google it well what what does he do what he bangs a lot of women he should be
he's the champ
bang if you mean the champ around yes the champ gets yes if you mean banging as
in beating them up
sure he bangs a lot of women hey i tell jokes at home i mean everybody brings
their job home oh my god
you really need to stop